Marty Posted August 12, 2006 Posted August 12, 2006 (edited) Hi, Well, I've finally plucked up the courage to actually submit some of my writing in the eFiction section. It's provisionally titled "Jamie McDaid" - that being the name of the main character. The first chapter is quite short, but I'd really appreciate feedback; positive and negative. Marty Edited October 6, 2006 by Marty
Marty Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 Hi gang, I've finally summoned up the courage to post some of my writing in the eFiction section... It's about an Irish teenage boy, with an abusive father, who struggles looking for love and coming to terms with his sexuality. The first chapter is fairly short. I'll be adding more as soon as I can. I'd really appreciate feedback on it. You can find it here. Be as brutal as you like. It seemed good when I was writing it, but now I've actually put it online I'm not so sure any more... Marty
Drewbie Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 Irish gay teenager wub.gif I like it so far, although I don't have a solid opinion on it yet not long enough, also next time write in paragraphs.
DarkShadow Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 If you would post the link, I'd be eternally grateful. I can't manage to find the damn thing! Hope to see it soon! Thanks!
Marty Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 If you would post the link, I'd be eternally grateful. I can't manage to find the damn thing! Hope to see it soon! Thanks! The story can be found at the following link I'm not very happy with the opening chapter (the only one online yet) and find myself wondering whether to restart the story with a more punchy opening chapter. I know what I want the story to say; just not sure how to begin it. ~ Marty ~
Site Administrator Graeme Posted October 6, 2006 Site Administrator Posted October 6, 2006 This is more an introduction than anything else. You've raised some interesting questions and done a good job of starting things, but not much has happened yet. Good luck with the rest of the story! One real positive is that you've introduced three characters by showing the user what's going on, rather than telling them via narrative. That's good The major negative is simply that it's thin. You've got a start, but I would suggest that the first chapter should contain more about what's going on.
Marty Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 (edited) I like it so far, although I don't have a solid opinion on it yet not long enough, also next time write in paragraphs. Thanks for the feedback, Drew I'm a bit at a loss with your comment about writing in paragraphs, however. To be honest with you, I thought that's what I had done.... Most of this opening chapter was narrative. I don't think the reader would find it easy reading if I were to start joining the speech of the two protagonists together in the same paragraph. I stand by the way that this chapter has been written, for the simple reason that it was largely made up of the two boys talking back and forth to each other. For that reason the average paragraph length is probably as low as fifteen or sixteen words. The second chapter, which is as yet unfinished, will be much more descriptive in nature, and will largely centre on the thoughts and memories of the main protagonist, Jamie. For this reason the chapter currently averages around one hundred words per paragraph. That seems to be about right to me. Short paragraphs when characters are talking (unless one of them starts a long soliloquy, of course) - and much longer ones for the descriptive parts of the story. Or do you know something that I don't, Drew Now, having said all that, I'm not happy with the opening paragraph myself; for reasons I have given in one of my previous replies. ~ Marty ~ Edited October 6, 2006 by Marty
PaulP Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Yeah, we need to get our curiosity piqued, something to make us want to find out what happens next. Perhaps some foreshadowing of what the central point of the story is going to be, or if not that explicit, of the situation from which the events of the upcoming narrative will develop. Or perhaps there's something about the main character that might make us want to follow him along without our knowing any of that, just because he's interesting or unusual or quirky. Without knowing what you have in mind for the story, I can't get much more specific than that. What we see so far are a couple of brothers that seem likable and have a good relationship with each other. Also, the potential conflict with the apparently abusive father. But that's a pretty commonplace setup for gay teen stories, so all by itself it's not really a "hook." It's a good question as to whether you'll be able to get this "make 'em want to read more" factor into a chapter this short, or if you'll need to follow Jamie around a bit longer. Either way, I'll be interested in seeing what you come up with.
DarkShadow Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 I want you to consider this.... It was a hard lesson for me to learn... In every sentence, endeavour to have your reader feel, smell, touch, taste, and see what you are talking about. Mind ya.. it is no small order. You have the ideas, but pushing the words together can be a bit of trouble. DO NOT give up... You have the story in your head... just let it take the ride. We're not Banshee waiting to swoop down on ya hoping for yur failure. The Irish have many color flavors to lay upon a description. Don't waste them. I hope it helps... Take care. Shannon
Site Administrator Graeme Posted October 6, 2006 Site Administrator Posted October 6, 2006 The Irish have many color flavors to lay upon a description. Don't waste them. Flavours, too! It's a good point Shannon's made, though. Give the readers a sense of where they are. What's the room like? How is Jamie dressed (which will give clues as to the time of year)? Is there any noticeable smell when the window is opened (blossom if it's spring, the aroma of the fish cannery down the road if they are near the ocean, etc)? They only take a sentence or a few words here or there, and it really enriches the story.
Site Administrator Graeme Posted October 6, 2006 Site Administrator Posted October 6, 2006 Can I suggest locking this thread and continuing future discussion on the eFiction thread? It's getting confusing having two threads on the same story. (at least for this old man). EDITTED: Okay, merging the two threads works for me, too
Tom Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Irish gay teenager wub.gif I like it so far, although I don't have a solid opinion on it yet not long enough, also next time write in paragraphs. I think I understand what Drew was getting at with the paragraph statment. most of what you have is dialoge witch should be seperated by the person speaking, exactly as you have it. Your second and third sentences... Jamie paused with his hand on the window latch.
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