A Great Teacher slips...and says "Gay"

[xander]

Recently in school, we changed over to a new email system that is really difficult to manuever easily, compared to our old system. Even the teachers think that it's stupid. Well, I have this really great pair of teachers for my 2nd and 3rd period class (it's a joined, double classroom class) and a student and one of the teachers, let's call her Mrs. H. were talking about it and she accidentily slipped and said that she thought the new email system was quote, gay, unquote. Now, I know this teacher kinda well, and I know that she didn't really mean to be derrogatory, or gay-bashing or anything, that it's just the thing that's been programmed into a lot of our minds to say when we dislike something, but I felt compelled to send her an email concerning it anyway.

 

I'm a student in your american studies class and being gay, i'm offended at your use of 'gay' in a derrogatory way today. it's bad enough that other kids use it in a derrogatory way on a frequent and daily basis, not to mention that homosexuality is almost completely shunned in this part of the country, so we definately dont need a teacher to feed the hate towards gay people.

 

thanks

an offended GAY student

I did this from a new anonymous email I had created for myself. I got a reply:

 

Dear student,

 

I am very sorry. Though I meant no harm, the usage of the word was very inappropriate. Would an apology to the class be appropriate or would you rather that I drop the issue? Please know that I will choose my words with more care in the future. Again, I apologize for hurting you. Truly, I am sorry and quite ashamed of myself.

 

Mrs. H

Well I appreciated the fact that she apologized to me via the email, but you would not believe how many people use "gay" in that way on a daily basis around here, I thought it might be useful if she were to make a classwide apology, so I talked to Viv who helped me to get a reply in order, since I couldn't seem to get it put how I wanted, so thanks to her help, I replied:

 

Dear Mrs. H,

 

Thank you for your concern. I felt somewhat bad having to send that email, because normally you're a great teacher so it did hurt me when you said it. Although you already apologized to me, that doesn't change the fact that the class heard you say it. In a class that big, I'm probably not the only gay student, and it would likely help teach other people who just throw that word around as an adjective, describing things in a bad way, that it's not the respectful thing to do. However, I won't ask you to apologize to the class unless you feel it is the right thing to do. Do I feel it's right? Yes, no question about it, but doing it because I asked you to isn't what I'm looking for. Doing it cause you want to, or because you really think it's the right thing to do, however, is fine with me.

 

Student

After that I was pretty sure that she would make a classwide apology, and this is kinda big for we conservatives of SD, so I thought it would be neat to record it happening. Click here to listen to it. If that link doesn't work (its my first time using it for hosting, so I don't know if the direct link will work), click here then click where it says Download Full Size Version or whatever.

 

Following her class apology, I sent her another email:

Thank you. It meant so much to me that you apologized to the class. I want you to realize that I truly think you are a magnificent teacher and a wonderful person, and I truly believe that you strive to be a better teacher everyday, and you do. It wasn't so much the fact that you said "gay" in a partially derrogatory way that shocked me, it was the fact that you, being a teacher and role model (that is what you are--almost the whole class believes that you are a great teacher, which you are) said it, and if a teacher says it, other students will inevitably use it as an excuse, "well Mrs. H said it." I overheard a few students talking today about perhaps someone 'turned you in'. I just wanted to let you know that I havent and would never turn you for something so minor, and would never have good reason to anyway, with the huge loving heart that you have. The only time I would ever consider turning a teacher in is if they were slashing homosexuality up and down, bashing gays and such.

 

Please know that your apolgies are accepted and that, with exception of a reply to this if you so desire, I consider this settled. Thank you so much and please never forget that you are a great teacher and loved by all your students. Again, thank you.

 

Student

Which was replied to one last time:

 

Dear Student,

 

I am glad that we continued this coorespondence because I NEED TO THANK YOU!!! (In fact, I was hoping you would reply one more time). You did something very important for me; you pointed out something that needed to be fixed! Thank you also for your kind words, AND just know that I will correct myself! Your e-mails have caused me to self-reflect, and self-reflecting is one important part of teaching! Correcting oneself feels good! Does that make sense?

 

Finally, I am proud of you!! That's all...pointing this out to me took courage. THANK YOU!

 

Mrs. H

Although I'm not sure how much courage it takes to send an ANONYMOUS email , I'd say we have a happy ending here. A public anouncement from a teacher from a conservative state about the harshness of such words, and a great teacher becoming even a better teacher. I'd say thats a happy ending. What do you guys think about all of this?

 

Ronnie

[C James]

Although I'm not sure how much courage it takes to send an ANONYMOUS email , I'd say we have a happy ending here. A public anouncement from a teacher from a conservative state about the harshness of such words, and a great teacher becoming even a better teacher. I'd say thats a happy ending. What do you guys think about all of this?

Ronnie

 

The way I look at this, what occurred is that you took a negative situation and made a positive one from it.

 

I think that what you did was FANTASTIC!

 

I also applaud the teacher's mindset, and not just on gay issues. That teacher exhibited a very rare quality: a lack of defensiveness and a willingness to admit a mistake. That is one GREAT teacher!

[Kurt]

I very much agree with what CJ said.

 

It takes a lot for someone to admit their mistakes, ecspecialy to that large of an audience.

 

I also applaud the teacher, and you Xander. You were able to confront the teacher and point out her mistake, but in a respectful and kind way. Good job!

 

Kurt

[AFriendlyFace]

I'm proud of you for standing up for what you believe in, Ronnie! Way to go! I'm so happy everything turned out well too!

 

 

All the best and take care!

Kevin

[Graeme]

I can't think of anything more to add, but I didn't want to not say anything either as this event needs to be recognised, so...

 

Well done to both yourself and Mrs. H!

[jalaki]

That's absolutely friggin' AWESOME that your teacher was able to do that, and just as awesome that you were able to point it out to her (anonymously or not - being bored and bred from your neighbor to the north, I know what it can be like there ). Both of you, pat yourselves on the back

 

She definitely sounds like a fantastic teacher. I just finally got the download to go (about ten minutes after I started typing this reply *rofl*) and yeah, gotta give her some kudos. She made a mistake, sure, but you and she turned it around.

 

Way to go!

[Drewbie]

Well done Ronnnie

[rknapp]

You know what I think? Xander wants food.

 

Hehe sorry, it was weird to read all that, and then FOOD! Haha.

 

That said, good job.

[Razor]

This was really nice, and I'm glad it made everybody happy, but I have a little something to add, just to make it a little more complicated here...

 

How can you ask for an apology when you probably do the same thing in a different way? She called something gay...

 

How many times have you called something retarded? Ever think maybe a retarded kid would hear you and feel offended? What about just calling something plain stupid? Maybe there's somebody in the mass crowd of random people who gets told they're stupid every day, and you using it that way just reminds them of the way everyone puts them down.

 

I'm just saying that maybe we shouldn't ask for apologies for these things... maybe we should just kind of point it out to each other in hopes that it'll happen less and less. And let's face it, if we raise a ruckus every time we get offended, it's gonna be a helluva long time before anybody's happy...

 

Maybe a bit of passive resistance is more called for? In this case it was nice because the teacher realized she really offended someone and tried to correct herself, but is it fair to expect her to be perfect when you know no one else is? Ah, I'm not sure exactly how to articulate my idea, but I hope you know where I'm going with it.

 

Though I have to admit... the story did kinda make me feel warm and fuzzy.

[Graeme]

How can you ask for an apology when you probably do the same thing in a different way? She called something gay...

 

How many times have you called something retarded? Ever think maybe a retarded kid would hear you and feel offended? What about just calling something plain stupid? Maybe there's somebody in the mass crowd of random people who gets told they're stupid every day, and you using it that way just reminds them of the way everyone puts them down.

A good point. I think it is a matter of degree. We are talking about a term that is used for what is effectively an oppressed and hidden minority within society. As such, it reinforces negative feelings about that minority.

 

The other terms you used as examples can also be hurtful, but they are not generally propogated through society, so there is a lower impact long term. I'm not condoning the use of them, but pointing out that the impact of "retarded", while hurtful to some people, is not repeated through the wider community to the same degree as the denigration of homosexuals.

 

I'm not happy with what I've just written as it implies that it's okay to use the term "retarded" because it's not as bad as "gay", which is not what I intended. I just hope that people will understand the intent behind the poor choice of phrasing.

[Kurt]

My GSA advisor soke about something similar to this. People call things "gay" is just a 'fad' that todays teenagers, and some, adults are using. "Retarted" even though it is still used, is not said as much as it used to be. People used to use the 'N' word more as well, it is not used so much anymore, the 'new' word is 'faq.'

 

Just thought I would add that...

 

Kurt

[Razor]

Good point about it being a fad. I've noticed that too. I understand that this is especially hurtful because you can't always just stand up and be like "You know what, biznitch, I don't appreciate you using the f-bomb around me!", since not everybody is out...

 

Maybe I'm just a hopeless pessimist, but I find it hard to think that any amount of protest will result in the elimination of slurs and insults from our midst. I do think that maybe by quietly correcting people and explaining, that maybe it would help a bit, and eventually get rid of it because it would become a social taboo in itself... but that takes a very long time.

[Graeme]

Good point about it being a fad. I've noticed that too. I understand that this is especially hurtful because you can't always just stand up and be like "You know what, biznitch, I don't appreciate you using the f-bomb around me!", since not everybody is out...

 

Maybe I'm just a hopeless pessimist, but I find it hard to think that any amount of protest will result in the elimination of slurs and insults from our midst. I do think that maybe by quietly correcting people and explaining, that maybe it would help a bit, and eventually get rid of it because it would become a social taboo in itself... but that takes a very long time.

What you are talking about is a change in societial attitudes. This ALWAYS takes a long time. What you may not realise is how much society attitudes have already changed. The idea of being out when I was a teenager was one that I can't even comprehend. People did it, but it's not something I was able to consider at the time. Now, however, there are sufficient number of teenage peers who do NOT mind having a friend who happens to be gay that it's something that can be considered.

 

It's not a steady progress. There are times where a lot of progress has been made, and then times when progress winds back. Overall, though, I'm seeing an improvement in society (at least Australian, New Zealand, European, Canadian and USA societies -- I apologise to any I've missed). There is still plenty of room for improvement, but we've made progress in a lot of areas and I'm happy to see that. But the core of that progress comes from within the society, and a key driving force is and always has been young people. This is why I'm an optimist -- I see more evidence of tolerance and respect in young people today (over all -- there are always exceptions) and they will be the core of the society for many years to come.

[colinian]

My GSA advisor soke about something similar to this. People call things "gay" is just a 'fad' that todays teenagers, and some, adults are using. "Retarted" even though it is still used, is not said as much as it used to be. People used to use the 'N' word more as well, it is not used so much anymore, the 'new' word is 'faq.'

 

We don't hear "fag" or "gay" or "queer" or "homo" around school much.

 

A very popular put-down word at my HS is "freak" as in "Jeez, didja see that freak who came to school wearin' a tie today?" or "Oh, man, he is so effin' freaky it makes me not want'a turn my back on him!"

 

Another one is "swizzle stick" as in "His swizzle stick's about as big as my baby brother's." or "Hey, swizzle stick, why'dja bump into me? Watch where yur goin'!" I have no idea where this one got started. Weird. :wacko:

 

Colin

[AFriendlyFace]

I think it also depends on personal opinion. For example:

 

We don't hear "fag" or "gay" or "queer" or "homo" around school much.

all four terms depend on how they're said as to whether or not I'll find them offensive. I have some gay friends who can routinely refer to each other (and me) as a "fag" without anyone getting offended. I'm sure this has something to do with the frequent belief that members of minority groups can refer to each other affectionately using the typically offensive label. However, personally I don't mind if straight people use the term either if they're close with the gay person in question or are known to NOT have any issues or prejudices about homosexuality...if we're both cool with it then sure go ahead and joke about it.

 

Also, it's largely a matter of being politically correct. A perfectly nice, innocent person might very well casually say "oh yeah, well he's a fag" and NOT being attaching any judgement to it, instead simply stating a fact albeit in a crass way. On the other hand someone could easily say "Yeah, well he's gay", and mean it very offensively. Just because someone isn't politically correct doesn't necessarily mean their closed-minded. Conversely just because someone IS polictically correct doesn't mean they aren't a bigoted jerk.

 

I prefer the somewhat vanila, easy going "gay" too, but ultimately I think it's the context and tone that matters the most. As far as my personal reactions to just the words I like "fag" better than either "queer" or "homo", but I like "gay" the best. "Faggot" on the other hand REALLY sets me off. Add that "-got" on the end and I'm not laughing anymore. That's just my own personal biases though and I'm sure they're just based on my own life experiences and world view.

 

As far as people calling something "gay" in a derogatory fashion it doesn't personally bother me because as far as I'm concerned in that context the word has lost its true meaning, in the same way that pretty much all "swear" words lose their true meaning. It's actually quite amusing to imagine people literally meaning the definition of the word when they're on a vulgar tirade, and for that matter how can some inanimate object or bad situation really be gay? Besides that I've known several gay people (and NOT just from GA) who call things "gay". So it doesn't bother me, but I can see why it bothers some people and personally I DO try to be politically correct and polite in general so I don't use any of the "bad" words or any of the good ones in "bad" ways.

A very popular put-down word at my HS is "freak" as in "Jeez, didja see that freak who came to school wearin' a tie today?" or "Oh, man, he is so effin' freaky it makes me not want'a turn my back on him!"

personally I just can't get offended at "freak". People can also call me "weird" or "strange" as much as they like. "Boring" or "conventional" would both bother me ALOT more. Heck I'm even more disappointed by "normal", not offended because I know people typically mean that in a nice way, but I'm always thinking "Normal? You think I'm normal?" which sorta does automatically translate to "boring" in my head. I pride myself on not being run of the mill...LOL, but that's just me...and I'm NOT normal, so what do I know

 

Interestingly, I don't like "queer" precisely because it does connect "strange" or "odd" with being gay (at least in my head). Which I don't approve of. My sexuality isn't weird; it is perfectly "normal" and I don't appreciate the implication that it is odd. I'm weird for lotsa other reasons that have nothing to do with sex or attraction... and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

have an awesome day everyone, and please no one take offense at post. These only my opinions for ME, and I think they only work for me

Kevin

Edited October 24, 2006 by AFriendlyFace

[DarkShadow]

I've noticed the trend to label lame things as 'gay' in the last couple of years. Honestly... it pisses me off. Each time someone makes a remark 'that is soo gay!' I ALWAYS have some comment. It urks me, and is a new personal pet pieve. Gay is not a derogetory term no matter how hard people are trying to turn it into one.

 

It disturbs me that so many let it slide. We ALL need to make an effort to remove this from common speech. You can do it subtlely if you fear your own outing. You young kids could even become an individual and say... how is 'such and such' gay? Does it give you a blowjob? Something damnit... ANYTHING!

 

Form your own future damnit. Don't let who you are become a common curse. We're on the back slide here folks, and this new 'slang' gives me the feel of subterfuge.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one for pushing my private life into people faces and excepting everyone to act a certain way. I don't expect concessions or courtesies from people who are not homosexual. What I do expect however, is respect. Those people that can't give me that respect, have no place in my world.

 

So, I suppose I'm hoping you will all respect yourselves enough to expect it of others. Kudos to you AFriendlyFace. Keep it up!

[pingyboy]

However many times I hear the phrases "that's so gay" or "you're so gay," it always ticks me off and causes me to retort back and make them shut their mouths; at least now my friends know not to say stuff like that around me and respect my opinion. My new goal is to get people to give up cussing, although it's probably a waste of time. Nevertheless, I will go on!

 

As for "swizzle sticks," that phrase is just plain hilarious. I put it in the same category as "skeet."

"His swizzle stick skeeted all over her tatas."

HAHA-- slang is so funny.

 

Back to the topic: Ronnie's teacher seems really cool and accepting of student opinions. Many teachers still have the I'm-smarter/better-than-you-so-why-should-I-listen-to-you attitude, which is extremely frustrating when the teacher refuses to accept that he/she is wrong in anything.

Edited October 24, 2006 by pingyboy

[colinian]

personally I just can't get offended at "freak". People can also call me "weird" or "strange" as much as they like. "Boring" or "conventional" would both bother me ALOT more. Heck I'm even more disappointed by "normal", not offended because I know people typically mean that in a nice way, but I'm always thinking "Normal? You think I'm normal?" which sorta does automatically translate to "boring" in my head. I pride myself on not being run of the mill...LOL, but that's just me...and I'm NOT normal, so what do I know

 

Interestingly, I don't like "queer" precisely because it does connect "strange" or "odd" with being gay (at least in my head). Which I don't approve of. My sexuality isn't weird; it is perfectly "normal" and I don't appreciate the implication that it is odd. I'm weird for lotsa other reasons that have nothing to do with sex or attraction... and I wouldn't have it any other way. :

Hey, Kevin, I like what you say. I'm not offended by "freak" either, and I use it myself sometimes. I don't like queer, or fag, or faggot, or homo. I don't like "gay" when it's used as an expletive.

 

I am normal. Being gay doesn't change that. But I'm definetly weird! I have a rep at school as being a cutup and lots of time finding and, uh, "pointing out" funny situations in class. That's weird! I love it when I tell people that don't know me that I'm weird, you oughta see their expression when I say that!

 

Colin

[Razor]

Yeah, I think that changing societal norms is what we should aim for... but as far as insults go... hehe... I do like swizzle stick. Mind if I start using that?

"Keep your swizzle stick away from me!" ~giggles~

 

Anyway... Slurs don't bother me personally, but I know that they harm other people, and THAT is what pisses me off. They don't affect me, because I choose not to be offended and I choose not to listen to them, and it took a looooong time for me to realize that words really are just words, but I know that there are other people who are severely hurt every time they hear something like that. It's for that reason that I can't stand insults like faggot or homo or the like.

 

And yeah, I don't really expect special treatment as a homosexual, but I WOULD appreciate a dash of equality thrown into my every day life. Instead of people using part of my personal identity as an insult, it'd be nice if they'd keep it to themselves... but hey, maybe we should just start saying "gay" when we normally say "cool".

 

Like "Hey man, did you see that? It was so totally gay!" But it'd be in a GOOD way, instead of a bad way. I think we could pull it off...

[colinian]

Yeah, I think that changing societal norms is what we should aim for... but as far as insults go... hehe... I do like swizzle stick. Mind if I start using that?

"Keep your swizzle stick away from me!" ~giggles~

Hey, that would be great. Go for it! I LOVE starting stuff like this at school.

 

 

Anyway... Slurs don't bother me personally, but I know that they harm other people, and THAT is what pisses me off. They don't affect me, because I choose not to be offended and I choose not to listen to them, and it took a looooong time for me to realize that words really are just words, but I know that there are other people who are severely hurt every time they hear something like that. It's for that reason that I can't stand insults like faggot or homo or the like.

I think slurs also ingrain themselves in the minds of people that use them, and those that hear them too.

 

 

And yeah, I don't really expect special treatment as a homosexual, but I WOULD appreciate a dash of equality thrown into my every day life. Instead of people using part of my personal identity as an insult, it'd be nice if they'd keep it to themselves... but hey, maybe we should just start saying "gay" when we normally say "cool".

 

Like "Hey man, did you see that? It was so totally gay!" But it'd be in a GOOD way, instead of a bad way. I think we could pull it off...

Like I said, I LOVE starting stuff like this at school. I'm gonna try it on a few kids and see how it goes over.

 

Colin

[xander]

I prefer the somewhat vanila, easy going "gay" too, but ultimately I think it's the context and tone that matters the most. As far as my personal reactions to just the words I like "fag" better than either "queer" or "homo", but I like "gay" the best. "Faggot" on the other hand REALLY sets me off. Add that "-got" on the end and I'm not laughing anymore. That's just my own personal biases though and I'm sure they're just based on my own life experiences and world view.

My personal reason for getting upset from the teacher's use of the word is because, like everyone's been saying, it's a fad, and its a very popular fad around here, but this is a conservative state, and so a lot of them have been influenced by their parents and such that homosexuality is wrong and when at this age, it's very easy for them to become disturbed little gay-bashers. Sure there are some who just say it without even thinking or trying to be derrogatory but I'd bet my life that if that went by without correction, one day someone would say "gay" derrogatorily and the teacher would say "hey, dont say that" and the student would reply, "But you said it!". But the main reason I felt necessary to send the email was because I live with a brother who is a sick, racist, gay-bashing little dickwad who is morally corrupt and says "gay" ALL the time in a derrogatory way and I guess in some indirect way, I felt better that I was standing up for homosexuality, be it anonymously or not.

 

Interestingly, I don't like "queer" precisely because it does connect "strange" or "odd" with being gay (at least in my head). Which I don't approve of. My sexuality isn't weird; it is perfectly "normal" and I don't appreciate the implication that it is odd. I'm weird for lotsa other reasons that have nothing to do with sex or attraction... and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Well yeah, now that you point that out and I think about it, I don't really like 'queer' either. I never really have cared for the term, in fact, the Queer Eye guys tend to piss me off, lol. And you're right, it did use to be associated with strangeness....Robert Frost's "Stopping by Wood's on a Snowy Evening"...."My little horse must think it queer, to stop without a farmhouse near." as in, this must be strange to my horse...I mean, we never stop without a farmhouse nearby, lol.

 

It disturbs me that so many let it slide. We ALL need to make an effort to remove this from common speech. You can do it subtlely if you fear your own outing. You young kids could even become an individual and say... how is 'such and such' gay? Does it give you a blowjob? Something damnit... ANYTHING!

 

Form your own future damnit. Don't let who you are become a common curse. We're on the back slide here folks, and this new 'slang' gives me the feel of subterfuge.

I love your attitude on this! I completely and totally agree with you. I don't want to completely out myself just yet either, but I have made a commitment to myself to say something when someone says "gay", be it a simple, "ehh, don't say that like that" or something, but at least that.

 

Instead of people using part of my personal identity as an insult, it'd be nice if they'd keep it to themselves... but hey, maybe we should just start saying "gay" when we normally say "cool". Like "Hey man, did you see that? It was so totally gay!" But it'd be in a GOOD way, instead of a bad way. I think we could pull it off...

lol, I love it! Might take awhile for that one around here tho, but I totally agree...we could make it work .

[Masked Monkey]

Without wanting to make it a big issue, part of the history of any social movement designed to gain acceptance for a repressed minority is to "reclaim" the derrogatory words used against them. The 'N' word is used publically and often in many black communities. To them, when used internally, it is more of a statement of common identity. For me to use the same word (note that I don't even say "The 'N' word" in public, Damn CA liberal) would be offensive. Surprisingly, the feminist movement tried to reclaim words like "c**t", "bitch", "whore" etc. That is part of the reason it is acceptable for women and girls to call themselves "bitches".

 

Much of the common use of the word "queer" stems from an extension of feminist theory and theories of sexuality that are used to historically place non-heterosexual sexualities on equal footing if not more historically natural than heterosexuality. This movement was termed "queer theory" for reasons I do not recall at the moment.

 

It is a tough transition for many within any repressed group to understand the actions of more radical or more conservative members of the same movement. Bottom line, there is a difference between taking offense and feeling offended/insulted. It does us no good to take a derrogatory term used against us as grounds for an emotional response. In fact, the use of such a term says nothing about us as individuals or as a general group. HOWEVER, taking offense at a term that is used is a non-emotional thing. It is an identification of a word used by someone (knowingly or unknowingly) that is designed to be hurtful. Taking steps to identify and rectify the offense is always proper, but never mandatory based on the safety of the moment.

 

Bottom line, I am proud of you Xander. You did the best thing you could do. You witnessed something that bothered you. You didn't let it bother you in and of itself. You realized that the situation in which it was used represented an authority figure talking to lessers. You took steps to identify the incident without endangering yourself, knowing the personality of the teacher involved. Furthermore, you took the step to keep communication with the teacher to allow her to as much as possible right any wrong feelings that may have been created within you.

 

Keep it up

 

:king: Snow Dog