ashessnow

Hmm. The thing about stereotypes is that they have some form of truth. You can tell by how they talk if someone is gay. Not always, but usually. Just like how they walk or look or whatever. I am gay. I sound, look and walk gay. And I don't have a problem with it. To me it just makes things easier. Of course I really dont think I "act" anyway (gay or straight or effeminate or butch), I just am. And I cuss. A lot. And I dare anyone to try to tell me I shouldnt.

Its nearing 3am and I can't sleep. I went off the meds again. It's been two weeks since my "demedification" and there hasnt been any major disasters (yet) but I think Ill keep off them for a while. Why you ask? Because. I have this thing where when Im off the meds I can get a little - some might say - overwhelming? But when Im on the meds I feel nothing at all. Which was part of the reason I started to hurt myself, it was to feel something. Not really the commonly accepted explanation of cutting as trying to "control the pain", more like cutting to feel pain, to feel anything, at all. Which was nice for a while, but then I realized there was a simpler and, more importantly, less bloody way to feel things, which was to actually feel them (by going off the meds). I think it was the right thing to do. The cuts have mostly healed. They are fairly noticeable though. I dont really mind. And theyre where youd think they were: legs, arms, and torso. The boy from the last posts - his name is John Paul. Hes bipolar too which is nice just cause we really get each other. We just . . . fit together, its all very cliche and disgusting but oh well. And he opened up to me about how he got HIV - drugs - but now thats all over and done with. I strangely feel like I can trust this one. Strange for me cause I dont trust anyone. My therapist says its because everyone I ever loved when I was younger left me so now I have trust issues. I think its a very basic analysis of my life and my issues but hey, whatever. Im the one in therapy. John Paul is actually next to me as I type this. Ive always slept better when there was someone else in the bed. Apparently thats not really working tonight...but whatever. And I was hit on my my neighbor, a pretty hot 30ish father with 2 young girls. He was really drunk and while we were talking to me he kept getting closer to me and touching himself. He wanted to tell me that he hoped I didnt think he was a dick when me and my roommates threw a party - did I talk about that? - and he wasnt the one who called the cops on us. Im not sure yet. If I want to sleep with him I mean. Dunno. Oh and John Paul knows all about my whorish past. I told him the truth - which is that it's part from the mood disorder, part from just wanting attention, and part cause Im really just a whore. And hes ok with that. As long as I tell him who I sleep with and it doesnt mean anything, hes okay. We have an understanding. Its pretty great. Of course, the chance of me actually sleeping with someone else is pretty low cause John Paul is amazing in bed. Amazing. For serious. And I am going to actively stop thinking about it . . . now. Ok. Chester French - She Loves Everybody - my new favorite song. I slept with a boy from my high school. Meaning we went to high school together. I always thought he was hot but there were a few things - and this was before John Paul. 1: Stained underware. 2: Talking about other guys while Im going down on you, not cool. Although with a few simple tricks Ive learned over the years, I quickly shut him up. And 3: Well . . . there was a number 3 at the time but now I cant remember it. I think it was the talking again. Im rambling and not really talking about anything so Im going to go. And BSG was amazing. And I love Chester French. And Semi Precious Weapons. And . . . Im out.

Sarah Monette. A great fantasy writer with straight and gay main characters. And her writings arent fluff, they're actually legitimately good. Her series is called the Doctrine of Labyrinths and includes M

Great ending to a show. Very satisfying. It really tied everything together and explained most everything. Little things: Galen and Tory: Woah. Boomer and Athena: Yes. But...aww. Roslin and Adama: Nearly cried. I did like the explaination for Hera's purpose. I knew Kara was going to leave but didn't really see that coming. Anders: Another aww moment. Helo should have died. Thought the operahouse/looking for Hera in the ship scene was great. Cavils ending: Soo funny.

I dont care. Not at all.

james, I agree with you. BSG all the way. Biggest omg moment: Dees suicide.

Reality TV needs to die. Seriously.

Id say the biggest OMG moment was in BSG. Dee went into the lockerroom, grabbed her gun and killed herself. Was like, WTF?

You can catch the DLM movie on youtube. And Six Feet Under is amazing.

So... I cant accurately describe how life has gone to shit so quickly over the past few weeks. But I'll try: -I get locked out of my house. Now for those who don't know, getting locked out is one of those things that I have a problem with. Why? Because thats how my parents kicked me out. I came home at like 4:00 AM and they had changed the lock and put all my stuff in a bag in front of the door. So when I got locked out again at like 1:30 AM it took me back to that time and a ton of feelings and emotions that I didn't know I had came flooding back. I called my roommates but they didn't pick up, I started to cry uncontrollably for a few minutes. It was pretty bad. So I called a friend and asked if I could stay the night, thankfully he said I could. -And then a few days later I smoked out with a few friends and had a VERY bad high. I can't even describe how bad it was, but it was pretty bad. Like throwing up disgustingness. I can't even believe any of it was real. Anyway. -I went to a concert (Murder City Devils) and was in the pit where this White Power Nazi f*ck tried to kill me. I was in the pit when I felt hands on my neck (another thing I have a problem with, I HATE having people put their hands on my neck for that exact reason and now someone actually tries) and he started to strangle me and I fell on the floor. And let me just say, being on your hands and knees on the floor in the pit where people are thrashing around above you is terrifying. Thankfully someone pulled me out and I passed out a few times and . . . it doesnt matter, I'm fine now. -And I started to SI again. I did it because 1. I wanted to see if anyone would notice, and 2. I actually like the way they look. Is that demented? Maybe a bit. Don't worry, I'm totally in control and if i really need to stop I will. -I got into a fight with Stephan, and in my head I decided that I was done with living here. Now, I know that we only just moved in not even a month ago, but I'm done living here. So I called around and some friends offered me a place to stay until I figure out what to do. But ANYWAY . . . I saw "Phantom" yesterday at the Pantages. It was ehh. I dont know, it just seemed like an off night to me. But the leads were amazing. Im thinking of getting more tattoos. And the guy? From last post? Not the model, Im done with him, but the other guy. He is a lot of fun. Even though he's HIV+, I really like this one. He's just as damaged as me so its perfect. yay. Oh. I start college on Monday. I'm not excited. Songs in my head: Her Hair Is On Fire / Magnetic Baby / That's Kunt - Semi Precious Weapons. And some people call me Toby. I actually hate the name but its the closest I could get my name to sound like Igby. Edit: And I never talked about rehab. Its actually not that interesting. I was there over the summer in high school a few years ago. Basically, the pills I took for being Bipolar. I got addicted. So there was that. Plus the SI. A bipolar homo cutting Prozac junkie. That's me. That's like a - quadfecta? Is that a word? Whatever. I think thats enough for today. Now I need a few hours of sleep. Later.

. . . sorry. When I get angry I get all . . . ghetto. Sorry. And let me back up. My friend Jonathan (the one who recently broke up with his boyfriend, moved out of his parents place and into mine and whose cousin recently died) is going a little nutty. Nutty meaning depressed. And stressed. And, well . . . let me explain something about Jonathan. Now this might not be very nice to say, but I don't count him as a friend. More someone I hang with to not be lonely. But I know he counts me as one. So now he needs serious help and I don't want to be the one to give it to him. There are a few things about him that bother me: 1. He's weak. I mean like really weak. If he doesn't want to do something, he won't do it. It's all instant gratification with him. He's such a f**king child. 2. He thinks he knows me. He thinks he understands me. And nothing bothers me more then people who think they get me and so obviously don't. There are more complaints but I just don't feel like typing anymore. Sooo yes, I'm a terrible person. Oh well. And he'll probably need to be hospitalized. Why you ask? Cause he's threatened to kill himself. And my first thought was god please kill yourself and save us all some trouble. Now I'll admit at the time I was really pissed at him, but I'll say it again. I'm a terrible person. Ok. I get it. Oh, and take it from someone who HAS been hospitalized before, it's not fun. Did I mention he's my roommate? To sum up, I'm being forced to take care of someone who isn't really mentally stable right now. Because, ya know, I'm the f**king posterchild for mental stability. Ugh. Anyway. I decided to go to a community college for the spring semester. Because, as it turns out, there are not many jobs for a dancer when the economy is in the shit. Although, I have so much AP credit that after about a year at PCC I could transfer to Berkeley as a junior. How awesome would that be? I'm trying to remember what I've talked about before. I know I talked about the FOX pilot, I know I've talked about the road trip, I think I've talked about rehab. Well I'm not sure. Ehh, I'm too tired to explain now. Later. And the model is over and done with. He started to bug me. Met a new boy. Taller. 23. Straight black hair. Hazel eyes. Smart. HIV+. We'll see. And http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EH1xtMe2tcs Current song in my head: Feedback - Janet Jackson. Thats it for me. I need at least 3 hours of sleep to function. Later.

*puts my hand up* But that's just because I'm that gay. I agree. I mean Id get tired really easily of carrying 9 of these things in my right pocket. And 40? Wow. I'm impressed. Ummm . . . no. You want over sharing, then Id tell you what 9 I'd be into. Of course if you want to know that's fine with me.

I love Post Secret. Actually got a book from a friend on my birthday and might have sent in a secret or two. And Razor, your opinion may be that it's ineffective, but I disagree. When, because of Post Secret, people have the courage to tell others about their experiences and lives, when people are able to overcome the things that have happened to them, thats exactly when it is effective.

Jonathan, my good friend who has been living with me, his cousin died today from medical problems. She's had these issues all her life. Over the past few days she steadily got worse and I just heard 10 minutes ago that she died. Question: What do I say or do? Im taking him out to eat in 20 minutes cause hes been at the hospital hasnt eaten in a while. Then Im guessing back home for a shower or something but after that I dunno. Give him space? Saying 'sorry' sounds trivial and asking if he's ok is stupid because hes obviously not ok. Anyone? Ideas?

Yay! Go you! Congrats to you both, thats awesome news.

Rootless Tree - Damien Rice What I want from you is empty your head They say be true, don't stay in your bed We do what we need to be free And it leans on me like a rootless tree What I want from us is empty our minds We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times We go blind when we've needed to see And this leans on me, like a rootless... F**k you, F**k you, F**k you And all we've been through I said leave it, leave it, leave it There's nothing in you And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good That you just let me out, let me out, let me out Of this hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out Hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out What I want from this Is learn to let go No not of you Of all that's been told Killers re-invent and believe And this leans on me, like a rootless... F**k you, F**k you, F**k you And all we've been through I said leave it, leave it, leave it There's nothing in you And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good That you just let me out, let me out, let me out Of this hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out Of this hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out Hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out Hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out Let me out, let me out, let me out F**k you, F**k you, F**k you And all we've been through I said leave it, leave it, leave it It's nothing in you And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good That you just let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out Let me out, let me out, let me out Let me out, let me out, let me out Hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out Hell when you're around Let me out, let me out, let me out Hell when you're around http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo

Ive never really heard anyone say they like tigerheat. Not really. Probably just me though. But, now that I think of it, it may have just been the company I was with.

--So this guy I know killed his father. Accidentally. The father had medical problems and they got into a fight which turned physical and he hit him too hard and killed him. He didnt know he killed him and left and the next day he found out when he was arrested. He was put in jail for a few days but was let go for now. So - theres that. -----What else has happened . . . oh! Uh, met a model who works at Bob's [big Boy]. Names Vianney. Italian. 6'2. Gorgeous. *sigh* Went out a week ago and going out just dunno when. We'll see. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Oh! Im in a pilot! On Fox (did I talk about this?) Not as an actor but a performer. Got paid almost 1000 to do it. Its called 'Glee' and should air in March. Its directed by Ryan Murphy, of Nip/Tuck fame. Pretty coool. Filmed WAY back in november, but I forgot about it. (And on that entertainment note, go see the movie The Spirit! My friend Seychelle Gabriel plays 'Young Sand', basically, the young Eva Mendes. So support her and watch (even if its bad.)) ---------------------------Im still a whore. Dont think that surprised anyone though. I did stoop to a new level when I . . . When I told a few friends though no one was really surprised. Kinda sad really, can't shock them anymore. Hmm . . . --I have hereby named my house, "Home for the Homos". Seriously. More and more people just keep dropping by and then never leaving. John, my good friend as been living here as well as his boyfriend Richard. Richard is . . . interesting. A gifted artist, he has a deal with 944 (a magazine). Hes also so skinny that mens clothing doesnt fit him, he wears make up and works at Hustler Hollywood. He's strange but - no - well hes just strange. But in a 2 bedroom 1 bath place, theres now 5 people living here. 5! If things contniue to stay as they are, we're going to have to move or someone has got to go. ---------------New shrink. Decided I couldnt trust the old one. Sad because it took a year of sessions before I thought I could trust him. No joke, a year. But I like this one. Hes nice. Brett. Seems a little green though. Dunno, we'll see. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I have decided: People are simple. They like to think they're complicated, but theyre not. Part of the reason I never really bought into the whole psychiatry thing. Randomness: Favorite line- Sometimes I long for a little misery, though. It can be terribly romantic. My ex made me deliriously miserable. I should be going to sleep now. But I probably wont. Ugh.

The US has a hockey team? Whatever, congrats on their victory. Yay.

Hope everyone had a great night! I just got home from the club, and now off to bed. Night!

As said to my best friend (straight) a few months ago after he said he shaves, why would anyone want to look like a prepubescent boy? Trimmed is fine, shave . . . not so much.

Thank you people! Love ya!

I know this game. Except we called it Mafia. Same idea though. There was the some Mafia, Detectives, a Doctor and Moderator or "God". Then depending on how many players, more and more other, more complicated things get thrown in.

I love it!

Me too!