MikeL

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway; The good fortune to run into the ones I do; And the eyesight to tell the difference.

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a poison capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

LESSON FOR TODAY Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass. In the process, we end up in trouble. And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember: Not everyone who shows up...Is there to help you!!!! That is the end of today’s lesson!

Doormats With Attitude:

John, who lived in the North of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken. They loaded up John’s minivan and headed North. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered at the door if they could spend the night. “I realize, it’s terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I am recently widowed” she explained “and I am afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and, if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. About nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow from the farm he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend, Ken, and asked: “Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about nine months ago?” “Yes, I do,” said Ken. “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit without me knowing it?” “Well, yes,” said Ken, a little embarrassed at being found out. “I have to admit that I did.” “And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?” Ken’s face turned red, and he said: “Yeah. Look, I am sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything!”

Happy Birthday, Dave!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter. "Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. "How can you tell males and females apart?" she asked. He responded: "Three were on a beer can. Two were on the phone."

Here's the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=y8MZlK05Cg8

Doormats With Attitude:

Scots vote "NO". New York Times article.

The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

But, they look so normal.

If Scotland secedes, will HM the Queen still feel welcome at Balmoral Castle? Will she be required to have a visa?

Think Before You Respond on Family Feud https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=nTGPf9Ow4iY

For Sale:

Nashville, TN

Get off the fence! https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=e65-wLp1yyI

Well, we used to remember December 7 every year with the same intensity. Now there are a lot more people who were living and remember September 11. Give us another 60 years and we will move on to something newer.