MikeL

Let's see...the big hand is on the...the big foot is on the...which is the big foot?

I'm enjoying this story and will read chapter 16 after you fix the paragraph breaks.

I'm not a big movie goer. And since I'm retired, I don't notice the seasonality of movies. I think the movie industry has really hit the skids in recent years. The worst people in the industry have to be the script writers; they seem to have such a limited vocabulary that they keep on using one word repeatedly. TV is no better, but we expect the summer to be slow. Except for a couple of edgy dramas like The Bridge and Tyrant, I found nothing of interest the last three months.

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this: A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked... 'No, I don't,' she replied. 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.' She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked. 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around, and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and saw his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night.' Patton said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' she said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.'

You will also love LOL Cats.

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads; When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=sN2C4uRW3nA

THE POTTY A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

Lunch with the girls... Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my ass hole bleached!" "Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He then addressed the men. Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower? Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it? And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...

All she wants to do is screw...

Many say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED... But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...COMPLETELY FINISHED

A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a couple having sex. "I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife. "For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play Hockey!"

One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

True friendship...

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons'. Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?' Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) an ass hole {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass

When an innocent photo goes wrong...

My vision of the future includes no politicians. You may laugh, but I invite you to stop and think about the breath of fresh air that would bring. That would result in anarchy you say? Our politicians' "deliberations" are anarchy. Seriously, I agree it is unfortunate that we can't discuss politics here. Politics is important to us. I have found that we can't even joke about politics because someone may be offended. It's a bad day when politics keeps you from having a good laugh. There is so much to laugh about. Thanks, Adam.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.' 'And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

Wingsuit daredevil meets his maker... https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=MPl8V_21E-8