MichaelS36

Beautiful my boy, like you. I'll be with you soon. xo

Some of you are angry /disappointed/ or whatever with me. I can understand why. You read what I’ve written about me and how I feel about tim and you probably laughed and if you are in the know, you have likely said, “Sure you do.” I do love him, very deeply. He has certain expectations of me because of our lifestyle, expectations I have been failing in providing. That leads to his unhappiness, and he is less sure of himself, of me, and us. In the recent past I watched as tim went through a very hurtful situation that affected him deeply. I could do little to protect him. The effect however on tim was serious. There was a serious depressive episode that had him on anti-depressants so strong he began to hear voices. Voices that caused thoughts of suicide. There were daily visits to his psychiatrist, pills and recurring nightmares thought buried. Finally healing after that, tim wanted to explore some fetish behavior he was interested in. His Project, he called it. This project included somethings I’d wanted and pushed for, for some time. I was going to get what I’d desired. However, after the fact I wasn’t so sure, it was what I wanted, nor am I sure I want repeat it. Insecurities I didn’t think I had raised their heads. I’ll need to talk properly to tim about it. On top of this was a diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes for me. tim immediately redesigned our diet, I agreed to all the changes, because I want to be here for tim, my boy. Through all this I became less and less able to be who tim needs and expects me to be. Who I thought I was. This self-doubt shook me badly. I was frustrated one night, treated tim poorly and I am ashamed of my behavior towards this man I love and who I know loves me. My anger and doubt was bad enough, that after going to work the next morning, I spoke to my boss and took two weeks leave. I couldn’t deal with what was happening in my head, or the feelings. I did something I never thought I’d do. I texted tim, went home, packed a bag and told him I’d be back. I knew it would hurt him. I also knew he’d turn to his friends and they gathered around him like a herd of wildebeest and protected their friend. I am grateful to them all. I drove then, north to a place I’d been before, a lovely lodge on the French River, not too far from Noelville. Here I spent days just thinking, being in the natural world, try to figure out what the best course was. I reached out to a couple of people, one basically said get your act together sooner rather than later, and that he was looking after tim, and the other said, I understand the need for space, tim was cared for and okay and that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I appreciated the messages. I found what I needed. And that is to understand and accept that I’m not perfect, that I’m capable of jealousy and self-doubt. Those things plus my strengths make me human. Yet I am still the dominant man tim needs me to be. tim if you’ll still have me, I’ll be home tomorrow, boy. I love you. M ****************************************************************************

Just a bit of background... As I went through my younger years I found that other’s seemed to naturally follow me, and look to me for direction. As sex came into the picture, it was the same in the bedroom. I learned that I liked to lead play there, liked my partners to be submissive. I thought simply that I was a top, I am, but I am more. I am what is known as a Dominant, a Dom. It is not about being a brute or sadist (well it is if you are a sadist). It is about honesty, control and you must believe that mistakes are unacceptable. I do not mean mistakes made by the submissive; I mean mistakes made by myself. Mistakes made by a Dom can be dangerous for the submissive so open two-way honest communication is paramount. I learned about BDSM and D/s and read about these lifestyles and the more I read the more I knew what I wanted from life and from my future partner. As a young man, I also met the man who would be my mentor in the D/s lifestyle, John. He taught me much, showed me much and I developed into who I am today. Before tim, I had other subs, some interested in long term, others only in D/s in the bedroom. From these experiences I learned for me D/s would extend beyond the bed, into nearly all aspects of my life. I’ve never been one to shy away from the fact I am different from most and wanted different things. I do not hide I am gay, when we are out of the house, tim’s hand is in mine. I will hug him, or touch him and give him a kiss out there in the world. I do not care what other’s think about that. We are as human as they and if they take issue, then look away. tim I was fairly sure was submissive when I first met him; and he was who I wanted. It took time to ensure this was the case on both counts. After several months I was positive and I methodically went about making tim want me too. Once we decided how we would live we had the usual vanilla marriage ceremony. I wanted more however, a D/s ceremony, where I would collar my boy. The collar can be a simple chain, to a leather collar or metal ring, it is up to each Dominant to determine what they want. tim’s collar is simple box chain in silver, with a flat silver ring with the word Forever on it. There would be friends of ours, John and his boy and some other Dominants and their subs present but I also wanted my parents there. They didn’t know about this part of me, well not formally, but how to tell them? I did it as I do everything, straightforwardly and honestly. I took tim one night to see them and told them about my life, our life. My father listened quietly and my mother was rather more animated. She wanted to know if I beat tim, how could I hurt him if I loved him. tim surprised me then by speaking up. “Michael does not beat me. There are deep reasons for what we do but He does nothing i don’t want Him to.” We spent another hour talking about D/s and what it means to us both. Since the ceremony, I know both of them have looked into D/s and have a better understanding of what it is. tim and I have lived this way for nearly eight years. We’ve had ups and downs, but tim is the most important thing in my life. tim has paid dearly for the right to live, he has given me the greatest gift anyone can offer, he has given me himself. I cherish, love and protect that with all I have because nothing will ever mean more to me. Just a bit of background.. questions if you have them, are welcome. M

Oh tim ...

tim, this was powerful, real and touching also. you're a very talented writer, you amaze constantly. I look forward to reading the rest. perhaps as your Husband, I'd have the option to read before everyone else?? Seriously very well done, my boy. Be proud of this.

Mmm indeed. That certain someone is a very lucky boy. This is excellent Mac.

Yes but very out of tune.

I'm not a choir boy anymore. LOL

Thank you for your comments, Mac. It's wonderful when you get to that place but, someone or something new is good too!..

Reader, thank you very much !

Lol, Def. I am not so sure about that. But on this topic, I feel somewhat inspired. Thank you.

I appreciate that very much, clochette.

Thank you very much Kitt. It's interesting to write it.

Thank you very much Caz.

thank you, my boy. it is a dance of sorts - a most satisfying one.

Perhaps, but you do not want me to sing! Thank you, A xo

Thank you, boy.

Thank you moggy. I'll take wow, anytime.

Touching and sad but I hope it helped. M

I, dressed only in black denims and boots Watch you strip down to nothing You are always unclothed, baring all to me For you belong to me, you are mine You stand at room’s centre, in submission Rising for my chair I circle you, gaze at you When my hand caresses your back you flinch The skin there still soft, unscarred, sweet You utter no sound as I walk around you I want you, desire you, control you My own manhood, hard, wanting And I could take you, but I too must wait I take your hand and pass it over my hardness No sound from you, but I see you swallow “Control it, boy,” I whisper As your own member betrays you You breathe deeply in your concentration In your scramble for control of your body “On your knees, boy. Eyes on me.” You gaze up at me as you comply I retake my seat as you kneel There is disappointment in your eyes You will learn patience, control And learn I know what’s best **********************************************

Mac ... this moment: I observe your Adam's apple bounce up and down as you swallow. I see myriad thoughts swirl behind your eyes. Even though you must have known it would come up eventually, perhaps you weren't expecting it to arrive so soon. But you won't be going anywhere with me until the phrase is spoken. "Thank you," you whisper. "I would like that... Sir." When they find the word, and finally say it aloud ... it's the perfect moment, the moment of truth ... the moment we wait for. This is a wonderful second lesson. M

Nice blog, molly. The recipe sounds wonderful.

Many happy returns, Renee.

I'm proud of you, boy. You're a talented, loving man, I'm lucky to have you. You've done some amazing work.

Your poem is wonderful, molly. I think you know my feelings regarding family, sadly we all aren't so lucky. You dId what was necessary. You should be proud.