Zeoanne

Life on a farm A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

You're drooling on me !!

WOOHOOOOO!!! What a Ride!!

DUDE!!! Where's my car?!?!

So Nephy, what are your 4 words you have to say to me, huh? Remember, we're in Jail!

LOL!! Got mine from one of my daughter's friends off F.book also! Hmmm, maybe the same guy? How you get Lube?

I need a beer!

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then with a towel, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.' (And what were YOU thinking???)

LOL Cia! The end of this little bitty was priceless!!! You're too damn funny girl! Surely caught me by surprise with the mirror part. Insane!

The Sneeze A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper."

I swear, if you don't laugh at these you're dead!!! For those of you too young to know about this game (Hollywood Squares) Google it so you can see how it went. Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q . Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Hey Tim, sorry I missed the bus... But nonetheless... Hope you had a great Birthday ~!!~

You and I wake up in Jail together.... Using ONLY 4 words, what would you say to me? Let's Do It AGAIN!!!!!!

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is: Every Sunday morning my friend would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive for some bonding time. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what Gramps, We didn't see a single idiot, dumb bastard, dip shit, jack ass, or horse's ass anywhere we went today!' Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ?

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy ~!!~

But what is it that bothers you and Yang? The way their actual physical looks are or the fact that there are those who wear more feminine clothing?

I don't know his name but I can tell that with or without makeup he's simply stunning.

To me, Androgyny is beautiful. I read from some of you that it's disgusting, but that's like calling a Red Cardinal disgusting because it's red because you don't like it's color. They can not help it, they're born like that. And think about it... How many homophobes call glbt disgusting? Ya'll can't help it be born the way you are, right? Neither can an Androgynous person. Now, if they were rotten, evil imps, then, yeah, I'd agree they are disgusting, otherwise? They are who they were born to be.... So are you. I really think this boy is simply beautiful! By the way, he's dressed for a play.

Have a Great day on your Birthday and the rest of the year Hun ~!!~

Those are wonderful news dear! Make sure you "Andy Proof" the house before you faint though. Don't want you having amnesia then not even remembering YOU'RE GONNA BE A DAD!!!! HOLY SHIT!!! Congratulations to both of you!

Come Here.... Let Me Show You How I Kiss...

The Kiss As we stand there in front of each other my eyes turn to yours, staring at you, willing your eyes to look back at me. My mind is screaming, 'please! Look at me! I'm begging you!'. Suddenly, as if being heard, you turn your head, in slow motion, ever so slowly, your eyes start traveling from my body... to my chest... my mouth, then gently they deposit themselves into my eyes screaming silent words toward each other. So much wanting, so much needing, raw desire exploding

Mr Too!!!! Happy Belated Birthday!!!

Have a Wonderful Birthday Baby ~!!~