Ice Fairy 4 - 6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Ryan’s POV

Ryan eyes opened slowly and he let them adjust to the light that poured into the room. He’d been smashed into Caleb’s grasp all night long, which was fine. He preferred that actually, but he wasn’t sure how he felt about things right now. Everything was getting complicated and this situation didn’t help.

What really didn’t help was that his backside was pressed against Brett’s and he was afraid to move and wake them; but Mother Nature was calling and he sure as fuck wasn’t going to leave a message.

He had to get up, right now.

Using extra care, he pulled away from the men and got out of bed to do his business. Afterwards, he shrugged on his robe and after hovering in the doorway he decided against joining them again. He really didn’t feel like he was wanted; not by Brett or Caleb. Hell, he and Sam barely did anything. It’d all been either his man or his best friend.

Ryan tried dismissing all of it under the blanket reason of fatigue, being overly emotional, and tired. He was generally pretty happy, or so he thought. But things just weren’t the same anymore. What changed?

After wandering into the kitchen and grabbing a protein shake for breakfast, he sat back on the sofa and was left alone with his thoughts. That was the problem; there weren’t enough distractions to keep his mind otherwise occupied. Maybe that was the problem?

He felt his eyes moisten whenever Caleb’s name came to mind; so he had to put a stop to that right now. He wasn’t going to fuck up this visit and Christmastime. The holidays were hard enough without the extra baggage of what may or may not be going on.

“Ryan?”

It was Sam. He’d tossed on his jeans and appeared from the hallway.

Ryan quickly tried to get it together, but he wouldn’t lie about what was in his head. He seriously felt like he was losing it.

“Yeah?” he answered.

“You okay?” Sam sat down beside him and looked at him carefully.

Of course he’d slough it off. “Just stressed, Sam. You’re looking good for being the globetrotter.” He wanted to just let other people talk. If he did, he knew his insecurities would come out and all hell would break loose. Not now. Not during the holidays.

“Ha, yeah. It sucks with the travel, but I love the crowd in every town we go to. Of course, nothing beats my hometown.” He smiled and Ryan was genuinely happy for him.

“That’s so cool. To do what you love and get paid for it and all the fun too. Plus your man traveling with you.” He sipped on his shake. “You two getting along?”

Sam nodded. “Oh yeah. We’re getting along great. He’s so supportive, Ryan. He’s there waiting for me with the other families. They all think he’s awesome, which he is of course.” He cocked his head and sighed. “My fiancé.” He glanced at the shiny ring on his finger and Ryan couldn’t help but look too and his jealousy amped up a few notches.

“Yeah, that must be cool, huh?” he mumbled.

“Hey.” Sam took Ryan’s hand. “It’ll happen for you too. I thought you guys were waiting.”

Ryan felt a surge of emotion by tried very hard to keep it at bay. “I thought you guys were waiting too. Guess Brett shocked us all.” He finished his shake and wanted to pitch the bottle across the room, but thought better of it.

“Wait…what?” Sam looked confused, but Ryan didn’t want to talk about it. “Can I make you anything for breakfast?” he wanted to get off this topic as quickly as humanly possible.

He ignored his friend and disappeared into the kitchen. He rattled around finding the frying pan and eggs, but was so lost in his own head and ridiculous emotions that he ended up dropping an egg on the floor.

Sam rushed in to help clean it up, and Ryan just wanted to push him away. But he couldn’t. Sam had done nothing wrong at all. Not a damn thing. God he was losing his mind quicker than he thought.

“I can get it…” Ryan insisted, his tone gruff.

“Lemme just help.” Sam pressed, getting all the yolk off the floor and tossing the paper towel into the garbage.

When Sam’s back was turned, Ryan found himself on the floor with his knees drawn up and his face down. He put his hands over his face and took some deep breaths, but they didn’t help. For fuck sake he was shaking, what the hell was going through his mind? He couldn’t explain it or pinpoint it, all he could do was just be confused as all hell. Unable to fight his thoughts anymore, he crumpled into sobs.

“Hey, hey. Ryan? What’s wrong?” Sam put his arms around him and held him tight and rocked him softly. His hands went into Ryan’s hair and combed it out for him, trying to be soothing he supposed.

“I can’t…I can’t talk about it.” He finally spit out. “I dunno what’s wrong anyway. Just…everything.” It was a pitiful excuse and lame ass answer, but it’s what was on his mind and in his heart. He didn’t know what the issues were; only that things had changed.

“Come on, let’s go sit on the sofa, okay?” Sam offered as he took Ryan’s hand and led him back to the living room. He snatched the roll of paper towels along the way.

The sofa was comfy and great to relax on. But it didn’t help what was running through his mind at all. He blew his nose and cleared his face, but the uncertainty and feeling of instability haunted him like a ghost that couldn’t be exorcised.

“Shhh. That’s better. If you can talk about it, then do. If not, that’s cool too.” Sam stroked his hair gently and that made him feel better. Ryan remembered so many times his mother would do that for him too and he wished he were over with his parents right now. Maybe later today if he could get away.

“Are you hungry at all?” Sam asked.

The protein shake was pretty filling, but Ryan didn’t want to risk illness. “No. Thanks, though.” He sank back into the cushions and shut his eyes for a moment.

“Do you mind if I make some eggs?” Sam asked.

“What?” Ryan’s eyes popped open. “Course not, go ahead. You live here too, Sam.” Thought not for much longer. Was that part of this? That they wouldn’t have them living there anymore? Or was it the joy of seeing them again bringing this on? No. It wasn’t joy. Nothing felt joyful, at least not in his day to day life.

Sam kissed his cheek. “You stay put. I’ll go make us some coffee too.”

After his friend’s departure, Ryan tried to get a grip on his thoughts again and he very nearly succeeded. At least until the moment that Caleb appeared from the hallway. Ryan felt his heart leap into his throat and when Brett also showed up; it was too much to handle.

“Hey, what’s wrong, baby?” Caleb’s melodic voice wasn’t much help this time. It hadn’t been for a little while now. He honestly wanted to pull away from him and just bolt from the apartment right now.

“Nothing.” He lied, knowing he was breaking the rules but he didn’t give a shit right now. Everything hurt too much to think about or even attempt to deal with it. “I’m gonna head out in a while.” He stated very matter-of-factly. “I just need space, Cal.”

He knew it sounded lame when he said it, and judging by the confused and a little frustrated look on his lover’s face he knew it wasn’t passing mustard with him either.

“Okay. Go get some space. I was hoping you’d tell me what’s up, but if you can’t or won’t, I’m not gonna make you tell me.”

Holy shit, thank goodness for that small bit of leeway. Ryan felt tears in his eyes again and attempted to blink them away as fast as he could.

“Ryan, you’re scaring me.” Caleb admitted. “Please just tell me if it’s me. If it’s something I’ve done.”

He sounded so sincere and so unknowingly responsible. Ryan couldn’t keep him totally in the dark, as much as he wanted to. Brett being there didn’t help; he felt closer to him right now than he did his own lover. That was part of the problem.

“It’s too much to explain right now, Cal. I know that’s a stupid answer and I sound like a damn girl, but I just feel like everything is different and…” could he say it? Did he want to talk about last night and how he didn’t feel loved at all in Caleb’s arms? They didn’t do anything except sleep; and that’s how it’d been for nearly a month now.

“Go on, baby.” Caleb coached.

“I just…” he searched the huge eyes of his man. “Things have been so fucked up for the past month. It has to partially do with us, Caleb. Our relationship and moreover our future.”

“Our future?” Caleb cocked a brow. “Ryan, you know I’m direct and I thought you were too. Please just spit it out and we’ll deal with it.”

Ryan was relieved the other couple was staying away during this talk; letting them have some privacy. He reached for Caleb’s hand and found it was him that was shaking.

“I don’t feel your love for me anymore, Caleb.” He put it all out there on the table. “Last night or the month prior to this. We don’t do anything but go to bed together and not have sex anymore. Have you fallen out of love with me?”

Caleb’s usually calm and placid demeanor seemed to disintegrate in front of his eyes. He looked hurt and shocked and surprised.

“Fallen out of love with you? Have I? Ryebread… how can you ask me that? You know how tired I am and you are too; I thought we had an agreement.”

Oh shit, now he was angry too. This was devolving quickly. “I know, I know. But we usually made time for each other, at least once a week. This whole past month it’s been nothing. I don’t feel your love anymore, Cal. Last night you barely touched me at all. Sam got your love.” He choked on the words. “You wanna know the truth? I wanted to beg Brett to make love to me last night. You don’t seem to want to anymore. I just feel empty, Cal.”

It felt good to let the truth out and deal with whatever was coming next. He wanted to say he was sorry for feeling this way, but he wasn’t sorry. This is the truth and real of his feelings. He wouldn’t apologize for that.

“I see.” Caleb finally responded, nodding his head slowly. “So you just kept quiet all this time and waited for them to be here so you could pin it on them?” he shot back.

Ryan’s eyes grew to moons. “What? Are you kidding me? I didn’t say anything because I thought I was losing my mind, Caleb Anthony. Until yesterday I hadn’t had five minutes alone to really gather my thoughts and my feelings about what was really happening.” He felt his teeth clench in anger. “I’m right, aren’t I? You’re not in love with me anymore are you? You love someone else.”

Caleb stood up and backed away from Ryan. “If that’s what you think, then that’s your own fault. I’m the same as I’ve always been except so tired and grumpy because I’m working my ass off. If you’re not feeling attended to, they why don’t you grab Brett for another quickie? Hell, butt fuck him for all I care. House rules don’t mean shit anymore, do they?”

He stormed off, leaving Ryan stunned and angrier than ever. Brett and Sam looked at each other and then back at Ryan.

“What the…” Brett started to ask, but Ryan stopped him.

“I’ll be at my parents. Knock yourselves out.” He stormed off to the bedroom and threw some things in a suitcase and within ten minutes he was out the door and gone.