Button - 6. Six Feet Under

Six Feet Under

“I hate funerals,” Craig said adjusting his tie. He and Graham were dressed in like dark suits but while Craig had on a white shirt, Graham had chosen a pale gray one. This was a very uncomfortable situation they were getting into. Both of them were worried about how this would impact Button. They’d had long drawn out discussion over the past couple of days trying to figure out how to handle it.

“Are we doing the right thing?” Graham asked his big blonde husband as he adjusted his collar.

“We’ve been over this so many times. I think we should just stick with our decision,” Craig said kissing Graham. “Our moms agree and we are being careful, that’s all.”

“Yeah, let’s get Button so he can say goodbye to Andy,” Graham said softly. This was going to be a difficult afternoon for them all.

*****************

After they dropped off Button at Natalie’s for him to have the last playdate with Andy before he went to California for surgery, Graham and Craig drove towards the funeral home. Natalie had found an experimental treatment at a hospital there. She figured it was Andy’s last shot.

“Can we go over this one more time because it still feels like we should have brought Button,” Graham said. Craig looked nervously over at him; his knuckles were white on the steering wheel.

“When my mom called to tell me Aimee was dead, she said Button wouldn’t know who she was anyway. He hasn’t seen her since he was a few months old. It could confuse and frighten him to see his mother lying in a coffin.”

Graham bit his bottom lip. “How did she know in the first place?”

“Who knows? She’s probably been monitoring her name on the Internet since Aimee dropped Button off on my doorstep. I never asked. I was afraid of the answer,” Craig answered. Graham saw his husband’s shoulders were really bunched up.

“What did Carrie say again?” Craig asked.

“Mom said if we brought Button someone could say something and scare him. Sometimes people say incredibly inappropriate things in the sadness of the moment. She said we should just go ourselves and see what the family has to say about the situation. I have to admit I’m really scared Craig,” Graham’s voice quivered. “What if Aimee’s family tries to take him from us?”

“I don’t think that’s possible. I’m his father and we’ve been taking care of him for the past six years. They don’t have much of a case for custody. Don’t worry Gray. Our family will not be split up,” Craig said catching the smaller man’s eye. “I want to see if any of them want to be a part of his life. Taking Button away from us isn’t going to happen.”

“I hope not. I’d sooner die than not see him,” Graham said wiping tears from his eyes. “Aimee’s family lost all rights to Button when they let her drop him off on your doorstep like a box of used clothes.” Craig gave him a tentative smile. Graham was taking this very hard. He was so worried but this actually was a step toward Graham adopting Button for once and for all. They’d discussed that but Graham was worried some well-meaning but misguided grandparent would try to block the adoption.

Craig just wanted to say goodbye. He barely remembered Aimee but since she’d given him his little boy, he had nothing but fond thoughts about her.

When they walked into the funeral home, it was practically empty. There were only about a dozen people standing around or seated in chairs. Two baskets of flowers were on either side of an open casket. Three people were seated at the front, two talking quietly to a middle aged woman dressed all in black wearing an enormous black hat.

“Should we just sit here in the back,” Graham said chewing his thumbnail.

“If you’d like. I want to see her,” Craig said with the words catching in his throat. “Which of the flowers are from us?”

“The gladiolas on the left I think,” Graham said sitting pensively on the edge of a chair.

“Thank you for doing that and what’s more, thanks for coming with me,” Craig said looking straight into his eyes. “I know this is really difficult.”

“It’s hard on you too,” Graham said but his eyes were fixed on the people in the front. “Say goodbye and I’ll just stay here.”

Craig squeezed his husband’s hand and with head bowed made his way up the center aisle to the casket. He paused for a minute, his head telling him to just do it, his heart racing for the exit. Craig’s head won out as he approached the casket and looked in.

Aimee looked very different. Her hair was no longer blue but a lush brown, long and carefully arranged around her youthful face. Craig saw the piercings in her face had been removed. Her cheeks were unnaturally red and her face had the kind of glow only makeup would cause.

This was Button’s mom. She was gone now. Aimee would never know her little boy was such a sweet, loving boy who tried so hard at things. She’d never feel his hugs and kisses. Aimee’s hand would never clasp Button’s and Craig felt very guilty. No matter what he did, from now on, Button would never see his mother in the flesh. Would he hold this against them?

“Thank you for coming,” he heard a woman’s voice greet him breaking him out of his revelry. “How did you know her?”

Craig turned and saw it was the woman all in black the little group had been whispering to. “I’m…I mean, Aimee was a friend.”

“Oh,” the woman said sounding disappointed. “I’d hoped you were the one who sent the flowers.”

“Um, I did, I mean we did,” Craig flushed afraid to say the wrong thing. He really hated this situation. What does one say?

“Oh, thank you. Are you Graham or Craig?” she said in a rush and he saw relief in her eyes. There were fresh tears too.

“I’m Craig.”

“It’s nice to meet you. Aimee was always so closed about you. I never knew anything about you. Is little Craig here?”

“Are you Aimee’s mother?” Craig asked.

“I’m so sorry. Yes. I’m Tessa, Aimee’s mother. I wanted to meet my grandson. Is he in the bathroom or?”

“I didn’t bring him. We didn’t know if that would be good for him,” Craig tried to explain but the look on Tessa’s face was breaking his heart. She looked lost and a little frantic.

“I’m sorry. I just assumed you’d bring him. Of course, he never really even knew my Aimee. I only saw him a few times myself,” she seemed to be berating herself. Craig put a reassuring hand on her arm as she moved closer for an embrace. He hugged her as the sobs heaved within her. He could smell the sting of liquor as she kissed his cheek chastely.

*********************

After the funeral, Craig and Graham sat at a table away from the rest of the group. They all seemed to be close family and friends who knew one another. There were stories of when Aimee was young and recent stories as well. She had moved to Portland, Maine, and after her death she was returned to the Cities to be buried alongside her father. Those were the bits and pieces the two men were able to glean until after the cake was served and Tessa came and sat with them.

“I’m Tessa,” she said offering her hand to Graham.

“I’m Graham, Craig’s husband,” he said watching her reaction.

“Thank you for coming. Her life was too short and it’s nice you could make it to say goodbye.”

“I, we, didn’t think we should miss it,” Craig said putting a hand on hers. She was an easy person to like. Tessa didn’t seem to offer any threat to their little family. She talked about Aimee and at times accidently slipped into the present tense instead of the past tense. The grieving woman looked somewhat broken.

Graham could smell whiskey on Tessa’s breath. It was bittersweet, knowing Aimee had probably had that weakness as well. Being aware of what afflicted Button was at least some kind of solace. In his heart he felt sick but his head was relieved if only a little.

“After Aimee gave Craig away, she was never the same. She lost the optimistic air she’d always carried around with her. Aimee just didn’t think she could handle everything alone, especially given the baby’s complications. I told her I’d be there but…“ Tessa lost her voice.

“Do you want to meet your grandson?” Craig asked and took Graham’s hand in his before he could protest.

“Oh, could I? I’d love to see him again and I know Sarah would love to meet him,” she said looking very grateful.

“Who’s Sarah?” Graham asked nervously.

“Aimee’s little girl. She’s just four.”

Craig’s mouth was wide open. Graham looked at him and tried to discover how he felt about this little revelation.

**********************

As they drove up to the post-war ranch style home just a few miles south of their own home, Graham noticed the front garden was quite beautiful. There were carefully arranged rose bushes, hybrid teas, which were in full bloom. A variety of hostas, some quite large, were waving in the breeze under a large oak tree. The house itself was in dire need of paint, but everything was neat and well maintained. A single girl’s bicycle without training wheels was leaning on its stand next to the attached garage.

Craig exited the car and got Button from his car seat. Graham watched this act, as simple as it was, with a feeling of disconnect. This would forever change their lives. He just knew it. Aimee’s death and discovery of Button’s grandmother would alter their family dynamic. The fact Button had a sister would make Tessa and Sarah a part of their lives.

Graham had no part in this. He was the odd man out. That was the feeling he couldn’t push aside or suppress. In spite of Craig’s excitement about the adoption which could now proceed, Graham was sure this wrinkle would become a wedge between him and his little boy.

“Papa, come on,” Button called to him. “I’m meeting my new sister!”

Graham smiled. Just hearing the eagerness and warmth in his little guy’s voice broke the spell. This may not be as bad as he’d feared. He was being silly. Button was waiting for him, his hand held out for Graham to grasp. When he’d met Sarah at the funeral, that feeling of disconnect had worried him. Graham took Button’s hand and felt his heart fill once again.

“Papa, let’s go,” Button urged pulling him forward up the walk to the burgundy front door.

*******************

“When Aimee told me she dropped Craig off at his father’s house, I never guessed it was without you being there,” Tessa said sipping from a coffee mug that smelled like something much stronger. “My daughter didn’t always tell me everything, God rest her soul.”

“It was quite the surprise. I didn’t know exactly what to do but from the minute I saw him, I think I fell in love with him,” Craig explained. “Then I met Graham and he liked Button just as much so he puts up with me.”

“Stop that,” Graham said nibbling on a cookie. He glanced over to the open bedroom door. Inside that room, Sarah was showing Button her toys and pictures of their mother. Button hadn’t cried about the woman he never knew, at least not yet. Graham was worried about how this would affect him as time passed though.

“I see why you call him Button,” Tessa said looking from Craig to Graham with a smile. “Aimee wouldn’t tell me anything about you except that a nice gay couple had him.”

“How did she know that?” Graham asked honestly confused. “Craig and I met after she left him in his apartment hallway.”

“She would come home and disappear for a few hours. I think she kept tabs on you guys. I don’t know how, but then she knew Craig’s name.”

“I guess we weren’t exactly hiding but I’m surprised she never tried to see him or contact me,” Craig said. “Aimee could have at least tried to keep in touch.”

Graham was surprised by the bitterness he could hear in that remark. It stung but then Craig could show a depth that was out of character. His husband probably wondered how Button felt about not having a mother in his life. Graham didn’t think the little boy even thought about it but maybe Button just never said anything to him.

The feeling of disconnect was back.

“Aimee said it was too hard. Let me show you something. Maybe this will explain it,” Tessa said getting up from the couch. Graham and Craig followed her to another door. Tessa took a set of keys and unlocked the door and they stepped into another bedroom.

The room’s walls were covered in collages, many of them quite dark, all very disturbing. There were demons and flames and twisted figures.

“Aimee was an artist?” Graham asked touching a collage of rubber reptiles chasing one another in a swirl with a picture of a heavily pierced woman in the center. Many of them had a theme; torment and fleeing from it.

“This is one she did for Craig, um, Button,” Tessa said pointing to one that was particularly tortured. It was a series of mouths with exaggerated teeth and dripping with blood all faced toward the center. In the middle was a little plastic baby wrapped in barbed wire.

“Her art scares me,” Tessa said pointedly. “She couldn’t handle his cries and she couldn’t handle losing him.”

“You said there were complications with her pregnancy. What was the problem?” Graham asked. He couldn’t stop himself even as Craig looked at him askew.

“Craig was a preemie. He was over six weeks early. There was also a problem with his delivery, not getting enough oxygen. He was in the neo-natal unit for almost a month. We almost lost him and it took everything out of Aimee.”

“Oh,” Graham said and looked over to see if Craig was mad. He only looked sad. With a nod, Craig let Graham know everything was okay.

“I’m sorry. I can’t stay in here any longer,” Tessa said and the two men followed her out. She locked the door. “I can’t look at them and I can’t get rid of them either. It’s all that’s left of my little girl, except Sarah and Craig of course.”

Craig and Graham sat back down in overstuffed chairs while Tessa perched on the edge of the couch. Graham noticed she took a deep drink from her mug. That was definitely not coffee that made her wince when she drank from the cup.

“How did Aimee die?” Craig asked. “I know it was an accident.”

“She was riding with a drunk driver. He lived of course. But Aimee wasn’t wearing a seat belt and she was thrown through the passenger side window,” Tessa said and began sobbing. “I’m sorry. It’s just so hard.”

“Should we go?” Craig said. “We could take Sarah and Craig out for pizza or something.”

“Thank you,” Tessa said. “I’m just trying to collect myself. I’m fine now,” she sniffed.

The woman took another drink from her mug and then excused herself and went back into the kitchen.

“Maybe we should go for a while. She’s so broken up,” Graham said.

“I doubt the whiskey is helping much,” Craig said frowning. “I’m not leaving Button here alone.”

“I agree. She’s a little unsteady on her feet,” Graham said. “Should we offer again?”

“Yeah, you do it this time. I think she’d be more likely to agree if you asked,” Craig nodded. “I think she feels like it’s an imposition otherwise.”

Graham couldn’t understand that. Why would she be more likely to agree if he asked? There was something else here he couldn’t put his finger on.

“Tessa? We’d love it if Sarah came with us to see Button’s house. It’s not far and we’d just be gone for a couple of hours. They’d have a chance to get more acquainted,” Graham explained.

The woman stopped and looked at Craig and then Graham. “I suppose so. If you don’t mind. I would like a little quiet time,” her eyes were begging Graham to say yes.

“Of course not. We’d love to have some time with Sarah,” Graham said. Tessa looked relieved and she relaxed.

“I just feel guilty since Craig has had this burden for so long,” Tessa said. “I don’t want to dump another child on him.”

“We’re a family Tessa,” Craig said. Graham suddenly understood. “It’s just for an afternoon.”

“Thank you. I sometimes look at Sarah and see Aimee looking back at me. It hurts,” she said plopping down on the couch and sighing.

***********************

Sarah and Button had gotten along like a gang on fire. They played a game that Craig could only partially understand. Button called it "Ping World" and it involved the fluffy charcoal cat, toy cars, a couple of stuffed animals with a cave they created with a blanket. Sarah had been a little shy at first around the men but she took to her big brother rather quickly. She chatted away about all kinds of things. Button didn’t talk as much except to explain the game rules. He seemed really comfortable with the little girl being very gentle with her.

After they’d played in Button’s room for a while, the little boy came out to the living room where Craig was on his laptop.

“Daddy, can Sarah stay overnight. She said her mommy is in heaven, so she wants to stay here.”

“Let’s see what Papa says,” Craig said thoughtfully. He wondered how Tessa would react to that request. She’d buried her daughter only 24 hours before. She might need the little girl though this afternoon she’d been swigging the booze pretty heavily. “Is Sarah okay?”

“She was crying but I hugged her and she stopped,” Button said and then got up and ran toward the kitchen. “Papa! Can Sarah stay overnight?”

Craig went quickly to Button’s room and saw the little girl with such pretty brown hair in jeans and a little yellow top curled up next to the bed. She looked forlorn and her cheeks were moist.

“How’re you doing Sarah?” he asked sitting down next to her. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” she said with pouting lips. “I like Button. I never had a brother before.”

“Button really likes you too. He asked if you wanted to stay the night. What do you think of that?”

“S’okay. It would be fun because my mommy is gone,” she said. “This time she’s never coming back.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Craig said soberly. “It’s really hard. How are you feeling?”

The little girl shrugged. “Mommy was always going away. This time is forever grandma says.”

“Your grandma loves you very, very much,” Craig said. “And now you have Button and me and Graham too.”

“Do you love me?” Sarah said, her eyes shining. “I never had a daddy or brother before.”

“Of course we do,” Craig said hugging her close. “Do you want to stay overnight if your grandma says it’s okay?”

“That’d be fun,” she said hugging him back.

Craig got up just as Button returned.

“Sawah, Papa’s calling to see but I think it’s okay,” Button assured her. “Are you sad again?”

Sarah nodded and held out her arms. “Do you love me Button?”

Craig watched as they hugged and Button told her he’d never had a sister before. He loved it. As Craig turned around, he almost ran into Graham.

“She’s staying the night,” Graham said with very tight, disapproving lips.

“Tessa said it would be okay?” Craig asked.

“Yeah. She agreed,” Graham answered.

“Graham? What’s the matter?”

Graham pulled Craig aside and whispered to him, “She’s drunk as a skunk and I could barely understand her. It makes me so mad.”

“Honey, relax. She just buried her only child. Tessa is stressed out and with us taking Sarah for the night she can grieve how she needs to,” Craig said quietly. “Let’s not get too judgy.”

Graham relaxed a little and nodded. It was a difficult situation all around. There was no reason to get upset about it. He walked over to Button’s bedroom door and leaned in.

“So what do you kids think about some chicken strips and salad?” Graham said. “Sarah is staying the night with us.”

Craig heard a cheer come down the hall.

**************************

“I was wondering if it might be some kind of birth complications,” Dr. Ramp said pushing his glasses up higher on his nose. The kindly gray-haired pediatrician had just heard about what the guys had learned from the funeral. As Craig always said, there wasn’t any reason to think it was fetal alcohol spectrum disorder but other factors causing Button issues.

“Tessa’s quite the drinker though,” Graham said and Craig slapped his arm.

“Quite frankly it doesn’t make a bit of difference one way or another,” Dr. Ramp said. “We know what Button’s issues are and the cause is immaterial. As I’ve indicated, there is no objective medical test for FASD. We go by self-reporting and a rubric of symptoms. In some cases, the physical symptoms may show definite maternal alcohol consumption but not in Button’s case. His physical health is good. His development is getting better as well and I think you two should be very proud of your efforts.”

Graham blushed and Craig smiled. It was looking better each month that passed. Button was doing well in kindergarten this year and a growth spurt had made him about the same height as the other kids. Even though he was a year older than most of the other kids in his class, he seemed to be getting along with them well. His delays were just that, delays.

“I see here he’s at the top of his class in vocabulary and doing really well with his first attempts at math,” Dr. Ramp said smiling at them. “Only parents who are doing a good job reading to their kids and talking to them will see results like this.”

“We’re doing our best,” Graham said and looked over at Craig who was beaming.

“And it’s working. Don’t worry about what happened to Button as a baby. It’s over and done with and now that his mother has passed, we never will know. You should celebrate his accomplishments and not linger on the past,” the doctor said. “I’m very proud of you guys. I hope you know that.”

Craig and Graham left the office and picked up Button from the waiting room. They’d dropped off Sarah earlier in the day and Tessa had been fine. She’d looked tired but when she saw Sarah her face brightened. Tessa offered to have Button over sometime when Graham and Craig had something to do. They accepted the invitation.

Button sat in the car seat and thought about his sister. She was quite the chatterbox but was nice. He’d never thought much about a mom before. Daddy and Papa were his world, but now he wondered, why didn’t she like him? She’d liked Sarah but why not him? It was a little troubling but then Papa smiled and he let the feelings pass. He may not have known her but he sure had someone he did like knowing.