The Journal of Chris Williams - 14. Journal 14

Journal entry 21:

My emotions are running a little high today. No, that doesn’t quite cover it. They’re a complete and total mess. As a result, Kyle and Corey won’t let me out of their sight; not that I’m complaining. Alpha Jennings called me in and let me know Michael had been captured. The rogue gang that attacked Parker Valley and its neighbors had been found. An alliance of packs assaulted and eliminated the gang. While that’s good news on its own, it was doubly good because everyone who had been kidnapped was rescued. At least they think everyone made it out alive. It sounded like people from other packs all over the northeast were also freed, but he stressed it’s early after the event and information is sketchy so far.

I have mixed feelings about them finding Michael and taking him alive. A part of me wishes he would have been found dead. Maybe killed in the assault or perhaps not even with the gang. The fact he was with the group who attacked my old home confirms what I thought before about his involvement. I don’t care what he has to say or if they find evidence pointing to some other reason he was there. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no reason he would have been with them unless it was to help arrange an attack. How many people had to die because of him?

I’ll never know for sure, but I guess the camping trip he suggested was really to search for those people. It’s possible they could have found and captured him, but I can’t bring myself to believe that. Michael always had a fascination with them. Lycan who lived outside the authority of the Council and did what they wanted, answering to no one. It’s the type of power and control he always dreamed of. We all heard the horror stories about the rogue lycan all our lives. Gangs of wolves and sometimes other species banded together who would raid smaller packs and take what they could, be it property or people. They were known for ransoming prisoners back or selling them in a kind of black market if the packs couldn’t pay. I’d even heard stories of them returning dead bodies to a pack after someone paid the ransom. Rape, torture, and murder as a way of life, I guess the old me would have fit in. I’m not sure what type of people would buy other lycan, but it’s said to have happened. The gangs are the lycan equivalent to the mafia and not much if anything is beyond what they’re willing to do. Their reputations made the things Michael and I did look like an afternoon at a Sunday school event. He kind of saw them as a level of power that regular packs could not obtain.

If I had gone with Michael, and he was actually looking for those guys, would I have gone as his beta or would he have used me as something to trade for their services? Is that the real reason he wanted me to go camping with him? Did I come as close as I think to becoming a prisoner or slave to a rogue gang? Would I have been forced to join them or work for them? Even if the answer to those questions is yes, it might have been a fitting punishment for me if I’d broken the agreement I made when accepting exile and not come here. If I hadn’t opened my eyes to what I’d become and to what I still had the potential to turn into as the monster I was, I might have. No… I WOULD have actually gotten with the program and willingly worked with them if Michael ordered me to do so. I keep thinking if he had traded me to be their prisoner or slave, it would be fitting for what I put other people through. I feel remorse for all of it.

I know Doc will admonish me for thinking like that, and I tell myself the same things she does. She’ll say no one deserves that, even someone like me who has caused so much suffering. I know I’ve come a long way since I first got here and started working with her. It’s just the emotion of knowing what was behind the Parker Valley attack, and Michael being in custody has my mind working on every possibility. I still think I got off light for the damage I caused to so many, and I will feel that way for a long time.

I think I’m still trying to find a way to pay for what I did or at least pay back my debt to society. I’ll probably search for some type of redemption for a long time and maybe that’s good since it is a reminder of my past. I have to remember it to successfully move forward without making the same mistakes. I am nowhere near the point of believing I actually deserve any kind of absolution. My self-hate’s not what it was when I arrived here, and yet I still have trouble looking at myself in the mirror some days. But those days are getting to be fewer. For as far as I’ve come, I recognize I still have a lot of work to do. There are good days and not so good days. Today isn’t a bad one, but not a good one either.

Kyle’s sitting across from me while he works on an essay, and Corey’s coming back later. They know how much this whole Michael thing bothers me and decided like many other times they won’t let me sit around by myself. Even if I’m writing in here or doing my homework, it feels good to not be alone.

I remember someone once saying time can be an evil mistress. One that will make a happy moment seem to pass in an instant and make the pain and heartache of one’s own doing last for infinity. I know this is a long process, and I am not trying to take any shortcuts to the finish line. I need to work out these problems one at a time and slowly address each failure in my life. Thanks to the people around me now, my moral compass’ returning to the right direction, and I’m starting to have successes I can be proud of. Thanks to Kyle, Corey, and the rest, I’m about to tell that bitch of a mistress called Time to leave me the fuck alone while I focus on the happy times my new friends are helping me create.

I do want to go back and correct what I wrote earlier. I know the punishment I would have received if I’d ended up in the hands of the rogues isn’t something I deserve. If, and I will stress if, I had broken the agreement of my exile and gone with that punk-ass bitch Michael, I would have deserved anything that happened to me. That said, since I’ve honored my commitments, I know I’m not deserving of that kind of torture. I may still think at times I should have spent a long time in jail or been sent to a Lycan Council prison for the things I did. I’m sure I’ll feel that way for a while. I committed serious crimes of my own free will. I’m happy I was given this chance. I’ve grabbed on by the horns and refuse to let go. Becoming a prisoner of the rogues might be fitting for someone like Michael maybe, but it would not be a fitting punishment for me. That bitch would have probably liked it. As bad as I’d gotten, I was at least capable of relearning right from wrong.

I did horrible things, and I can’t undo that. Yeah, I had things done to me too, but I refuse to play the victim card for anything I did. I alone am responsible for my actions. The people who stood in judgment of me decided what my fate should be. I accepted my punishment, and a chance to recover my life. I’ll live every day with the knowledge of what I did to people, and I’ll never forget. I have this journal to read if I ever do. I know Michael’s in custody now and isn’t a threat to me. I cannot move my life ahead if I keep dragging myself into the past, thinking I should suffer and be more severely punished. I’m working hard on becoming someone my new friends can be proud of. Despite my best efforts, Michael has maintained control over my life even after I left him in that parking lot. I’ve been afraid of him and of myself because of him… NO MORE!

Kyle gave me a funny look after I slammed my fist down on my desk. I explained my thought just now and he gave me a fist bump. He said I’m not getting rid of him or Corey for the evening, but he’s smiling. I told him I don’t want to be alone. I need my friends around me.

Journal entry 22:

I spoke with Mom this afternoon. She filled me in on what’s been happening. Parker Valley held a public trial for Michael and a few of the senior rogues captured. His own testimony sounded like the ravings of an insane child. Everyone expected Michael would be sentenced to death for his crimes against the pack. There would be no getting out of it this time. Before the trial concluded, Luna Stockdale apparently decided to handle the issue herself and did a partial shift in front of everyone as Michael walked past. Her arm shifted and she slashed her claw across Michael’s throat, breaking his neck in the process and killed him. Everyone who witnessed it was shocked. First since the luna rarely shows anger about anything, and second because no one knew she could do a partial shift like that. I saw the alpha do it the day I was sentenced when Michael mouthed off, but never the luna. She kept whispering as everyone left the building that she had to be the one to do it.

Mom described how people quietly filed out of the meeting hall, trying to not make a sound, and once outside remained just as quiet. Before Alpha Stockdale escorted his mate home, all the pack waited to make sure she was okay, at least physically. Someone passed out candles to the people in the square. As the alpha pair left, the crowd lit the candles for their luna. They separated to allow them to get to the alpha’s truck. People lined the street with their candles held high for her. Everyone wanting her to know how much they cherished her service to the pack. Mom had never seen anything like it in her life and said how beautiful it was for such a somber occasion.

I’m sitting here and while my thoughts are for Luna Stockdale, they keep drifting back to Michael. He’s dead. He can no longer hurt anyone. With everything he did, the lives he wrecked, I don’t know what I should be feeling. Relief perhaps? I kind of feel guilty I’m not sad by the news. The nightmare of his existence is finally over. Maybe it’s just too soon for me to process. I think I’ll sleep better since I know he can’t come looking for me.

I asked Kyle if we could go to the store so I could to buy a candle. We sat for a few minutes while I gave him the short version of what was going on back east. He had no problem walking with me to the store. We talked about the alpha pair here as well as my old leaders. It sounds like they’re a lot alike. When we got back, I placed it in my window and lit it to honor what Luna Stockdale had to do in the protection of her pack. I may be across the country, but she was like a second mother to me growing up, and she is mother to the pack. As I sit watching the flame of the candle flicker, my wolf wants to howl in sadness for her.