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    WolfM
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

The Journal of Chris Williams - 6. Journal 6

Journal entry 6:

 

A lot more came out during my session than I was ready for. Doc had me taken to the medical center and placed on suicide watch as a precaution. I’d told her I deserved to die. Saying I had thoughts of killing myself for what I planned on doing to Ethan and what I’d done to others didn’t help matters. She immediately called for help when I dropped to the floor crying and tried to get my claw to form to slice my wrist. I don’t know if this was a cry for help, or if I would have really tried, but it was heard loud and clear. My mind is so messed up right now. I really want to die. They should have put me to death for what I did. Why didn’t they? I want to end my life anyway I can to stop these thought and the fucked up nightmares that haunt me. But I’m scared to die. Shit… I don’t know how to deal with everything we talked about today or what we didn’t.

I have to give the pen to the nurse for now. He was nice enough to let me write this, but they won’t let me keep any sharp objects. The doctor said they’re going to give me something to sedate me for the night. I didn’t think that stuff worked on lycan, but what do I know. I hope it’s a dreamless night. I’m terrified of being trapped in my nightmares.

 

 

Journal entry 7:

 

I’m sorry I haven’t written anything for a couple days. The sedative they gave me was a strong one. I’m still feeling a little groggy even though it’s been three days. One of the bad things about being a lycan is most drugs don’t work on us. I can’t just pop an anti-depressant to try and get my moods under control. I was rapidly spiraling out of control. They sedated me so I wouldn’t be a danger to myself or anyone else, and I understand that. It was really on the off chance my wolf took control as my human mind overloaded. I could have gone feral or hurt a bunch of people. Doc said being knocked out gave my mind time to reset itself. She’s spent a lot of time sitting with me and sometimes talking once I woke up. A few people from the pack also came by to sit with me so I wouldn’t be alone. I am feeling better at least. Maybe it’s from the drug finally working out of my system. I don’t want to die today. Well, not like I did the other day. I don’t feel like I want to kill myself is a more accurate statement. I hope I can hold this feeling. It scared me how much I did want to when they brought me here. I’m only a guest in the territory and this pack is taking such good care of me. When I get out of the hospital, I want to ask the alpha if there’s any additional community service I can do. Working seems to help clear my mind. It gives me something to focus on like my school work does.

One of my two escorts, Kyle, stopped by to check up on me. We sat and talked for a little while, mostly about school. He made sure I knew he wanted to check that I was doing okay. Before he had to go, he said he’d be back to talk again unless they let me out of the padded room first. His words were, “Don’t do anything rash since I’ve gotten used to you being around.” Seems like he is the closest thing I have to a friend here. I’m hoping this little episode doesn’t get me kicked out of the territory. Even with how great they’ve been to me, I worry about hitting a point where my problems are considered too much trouble to deal with. That’s more from the way I used to treat people I guess, as opposed to how the people here treat me. Actually, I like it here. If they ever allowed it, I wouldn’t mind joining this pack. I know it’s too soon to even think about that, and it’s the only pack outside of Parker Valley I’ve been around. I think I could be happy here. For people who are complete strangers to me, they seem to care and want to help me. When I questioned it, one of the leaders placed his hand on my shoulder. “You’re a wolf who’s hurting. You may have done some horrible things, but you show that you want to fix what you’ve done. You want to change and be a better person.” He was right. I do want to change, and I think I’ve started. I hope so anyways.

I just realized I wrote this entry the way I think Mom intended me to use the journal. It’s a nice change instead of just writing in it to get things started for my sessions with Doc. If I ever tell Mom about this, I know I’m going to get an, “I told you so,” from her with that knowing smile. Maybe I’ll use it both ways now. We’ll see.

 

 

Journal entry 8:

 

I missed a week of school because of my little episode with wanting to commit suicide or at least wanting to die. Thankfully, my professors are all pretty cool and allowed me to make up any of the work I missed. I know I’m not the first student to suffer from mental issues like depression or worse. I just finished the last of the assignments I missed and submitted it. I think I’ll get good grades on what I’ve done.

I spoke with Alpha Jennings today about doing additional work around here. It makes me feel good and I want to give back to my hosts. It’s strange since I would have considered doing stuff like this around Parker Valley beneath me. I’d have bitched the entire time I had to do the work. Actually, I did when I got assigned community service after the running track incident. I told the alpha how grateful I was for everything they have been doing for me and that it only seemed fair I do something to help out around the territory. There were a few things I’d seen as I was being escorted around that looked like they needed tending to. Doing community service work was something I agreed to in the terms of my exile agreement for Columbia River to take me in. This extra stuff I wanted to do in addition to that. I wanted to show I can be more than just an outcast with a lot of problems. If I’m lucky, let them see I can be useful. Earning a place here, even if I’m considered an omega is important to me for the first time. Becoming an omega is better than being nothing, which is technically what I am at the moment. I’m a wolf without a pack who’s living among others I can’t be a part of. Even with how nice people here are to me, I never realized how lonely a wolf can be.

From the way I used to act, it feels strange wanting to be elevated to the status of the lowest possible rank. But even with how demeaning the title’s considered, it would mean I have a home. That I belong. The things I gave up because of my stupidity I never thought could be taken away from me: my family, my home, and everything I thought identified who I was. I’d include friends in that list, but looking at how things were, the people I got along with were never really my friends. And the ones I should have been tight with didn’t like me because of how I acted. I kept my so called buddies through fear and intimidation. Sure, we joked around at times, went on runs together, and did other stuff. But we were never actually that close. It was the same with Michael. I considered him my best friend, but I can see now he never was. Most times he was an ass towards me. Abusive and threatening so I always fell into line and followed.

I want to get a little ahead on my reading for history class and I have a book to start for English Lit, so I’m going to end this for tonight. I also want to get some of my thoughts in order before writing more.

 

 

Journal entry 9:

 

I’m mentally stronger. Well, at least a little bit more each day since my breakdown. It makes me feel weak for having done that and needing to get locked up at the hospital for my own safety. Doc said she was sorry for pushing me on the things we talked about that day. She knew I wasn’t ready, but thought with a little prodding maybe I would get it out and it would help. There was no way she could have known how it would affect me. I didn’t know how it would affect me. She reminds me often enough things can’t get fixed in one session, and this will take time. Possibly a lot of time to work through my issues. But she promised to be with me every step of the way. I assured her I needed to talk about those things that day. It was eating at me like acid to flesh and I had to start getting it out in the open.

When I said how all this makes me feel weak, she tried to explain it using a building maintenance analogy. What she said was sometimes parts of a building get damaged: stairs broken, roof leaking, or wall studs rotting. Those parts are weak and make the structure fragile. It takes time to go through and find all the things that need to be fixed, but in the end the building is as strong as when it was new. She also told me that in time I would be stronger.

I sometimes wonder about the times I cry myself to sleep after writing in here or after one of my sessions with Doc. Are my tears the monster in the back of my mind leaving a little at a time? Maybe I will be able to look at myself in the mirror someday.

Copyright © 2017 WolfM; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

As I said in my comment for chapter 5, Chris was crushed and overwhelmed by his guilty conscience, so much so that he was driven to the brink; but luckily he talked with his therapist about it and received the help he needed ...

 

Chris needed to find a place in his confusing world, where he would be accepted, I suppose more so as he was a wolf and they need their pack.  All that he had known before, people and situations which had been familiar were all thrown upside down upon reflection.  So here he was, with a second chance, trying very hard to be seen as useful, contributing to, hopefully, his new pack.  He had set his expectations very low, so I believe he would be pleasantly surprised.  We shall see ...

Edited by hohochan657
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This was a hard chapter to read.  Chris is at such a low point in his life.  He does seem to have support from this doctor and the pack whose territory he is in; but have to wonder if he does not need that one person that he can lean on.  Someone to give him a touchstone in his current life.  Good writing can invoke strong emotions and this chapter has proven how good you really are...

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22 hours ago, JeffreyL said:

You gave us hints in the last chapter. I went back to reread and check. But boy, was I asleep or something. I didn't see suicide talk coming! I loved the analogy comparing fixing a building to fixing a person's mental health. Looking forward to reading more about Chris's healing.

Thanks Jeff :)  My hints could probably have gone several ways.  It was the best analogy I could come up with.

21 hours ago, avidreadr said:

It seems to me that Chris' breakdown is actually the start of his true rehab.  He hit rock bottom and can now start truly rebuilding his life.  I'm curious to see where he goes from here.  

Thank you Avid.  Once you hit the bottom, once you stop digging yourself deeper, up is the only place to go from there.

21 hours ago, Lux Apollo said:

Whoa, he went through a toughie here.

He sure did, Lux :)

20 hours ago, BlindAmbition said:

 Its true... You sometimes have to hit rock bottom. In order for a true metamorphosis to begin. 
 Chris made a very critical realisation in his journey. Michael was never his friend. This single piece of knowledge should help to move forward. 
 I do believe that everyone makes mistakes. With mistakes comes wisdom. The things he is thinking and wanting are all positive. Chris could come out being a better man. With a lot to offer his pack. 
 I wasn't sure how the journal aspect was going to work. However, Chris's character is a full dimensional character. Not one dimensional at all. 
 Great Job! 

Thank you Blind :)  I can say from personal experience that your statement is true.  I wasn't sure how the journal would work out either.  It sounded good as I wrote it and it let me develop someone that was just filler in the first book.

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20 hours ago, mikedup said:

Wow a bit of a revelation here I hope the the dark space is short but helpful in his recovery. Wow can't for more

Thank you Mike :) 

19 hours ago, Geemeedee said:

I wonder if Michael asserted his dominance by sexually assaulting Chris. There's something he's dealing with besides how he acted. Like, Jeffrey, I saw the mention of suicide, but it escalated so quickly! Portraying that incident is a case where Chris' "journal" view falls short. But he's not Hemingway, right?  He can only share what he can share.

Hey GMD.  It's possible, but so far Chris hasn't said one way or the other.  The escalation was quick and from the stand point of the journal he was having those thoughts after writing the entry just prior to going to his session with the therapist and actually talking about what he just wrote.  Definitely not Hemingway and it shares uncomfortable things that might not get brought up in face to face sessions as quickly.

9 hours ago, hohochan657 said:

As I said in my comment for chapter 5, Chris was crushed and overwhelmed by his guilty conscience, so much so that he was driven to the brink; but luckily he talked with his therapist about it and received the help he needed ...

 

Chris needed to find a place in his confusing world, where he would be accepted, I suppose more so as he was a wolf and they need their pack.  All that he had known before, people and situations which had been familiar were all thrown upside down upon reflection.  So here he was, with a second chance, trying very hard to be seen as useful, contributing to, hopefully, his new pack.  He had set his expectations very low, so I believe he would be pleasantly surprised.  We shall see ...

Very well put.

4 hours ago, centexhairysub said:

This was a hard chapter to read.  Chris is at such a low point in his life.  He does seem to have support from this doctor and the pack whose territory he is in; but have to wonder if he does not need that one person that he can lean on.  Someone to give him a touchstone in his current life.  Good writing can invoke strong emotions and this chapter has proven how good you really are...

Thank you Centex :)  The pack has been good to him, sitting with him to know he isn't alone and being there for him. 

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Excellent chapter.  It seems Chris is beginning to get his head on straight.  It's tempting to either binge read or jump to the last chapter.  Not going there. :) 

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3 hours ago, Backwoods Boy said:

Excellent chapter.  It seems Chris is beginning to get his head on straight.  It's tempting to either binge read or jump to the last chapter.  Not going there. :) 

Thank you, Backwoods :)  It's about time he did too. No skipping to the last chapter. ;)

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Chris's self analysis caused him to become vividly aware of how low he had fallen.  He was acting like he was only one step down to becoming feral.  His only place in the pack was there because of the fear he caused, not because of his ability or achievement.  In a way, he was already a rogue wolf without a real connection to the pack.  This is what brought him to the brink of suicide.  Now the crisis has occurred, may be he can begin to rebuild his life.  I did enjoy the analogy used by his doctor.  He also has a positive plan that will not only help him deal with his guilt, but also build his self confidence and the respect of the community that is helping him.  

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5 hours ago, raven1 said:

Chris's self analysis caused him to become vividly aware of how low he had fallen.  He was acting like he was only one step down to becoming feral.  His only place in the pack was there because of the fear he caused, not because of his ability or achievement.  In a way, he was already a rogue wolf without a real connection to the pack.  This is what brought him to the brink of suicide.  Now the crisis has occurred, may be he can begin to rebuild his life.  I did enjoy the analogy used by his doctor.  He also has a positive plan that will not only help him deal with his guilt, but also build his self confidence and the respect of the community that is helping him.  

Thank you, Raven. This was a mental break that he needed. Until he hit this point and realized he needed help, he could still try to bluff himself that he wasn't as far in the hole as he was.

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5 hours ago, Albert1434 said:

You were right things did get darker but in the long run things have started to get better!

There's a point where you have to hit rock bottom at which point there's two choices: start filling in the grave you dug or accept help from the person with the ladder.

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Wow! A very powerful and sad chapter. I feel Chris’ pain and it brought tears to my eyes. Such a tortured sole. I didn’t want to feel bad for him after what he participated in but I do. He’ll need to confront his victims before he can heal. 

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16 hours ago, Straycat said:

Wow! A very powerful and sad chapter. I feel Chris’ pain and it brought tears to my eyes. Such a tortured sole. I didn’t want to feel bad for him after what he participated in but I do. He’ll need to confront his victims before he can heal. 

Thank you, Straycat. :hug: Even though I knew where I wanted to take this character when I started this book, it's still amazing that someone I originally created to be disliked, even hated, has earned this reaction from people. :heart:

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