The Hidden Ones: Resurrection - 16. Ryder's Heart

---Ryder---

I couldn’t help but smile as I watched Oli behind the drums. He has a certain flare to him, one that’s been missing from music for a while. An excitement for the genre unparalleled by anyone I had ever met. He doesn’t just want to be the best, he needs it. And once he gets comfortable behind that kit of his, well everyone including me better watch out.

As the song came to an end I smiled to him and slowly took off the guitar. “No, no, no,” He quickly let out as he jumped to his feet. “We’re just getting started!”

“That’s all I had in the tank.” I exhaled in a heavy breath, placing the guitar back in its holder before falling onto the couch. My heart seemed to soar in my chest as I desperately tried to catch my breath. So this is it. This is what my doctors were talking about.

“What?” He asked, shooting me a stupefied look. “But you’re a rock star! I, I saw online that you once played a four hour set!”

“I did.” I slowly nodded my head. “But that was a long time ago.”

“Please!” He begged, quickly rushing over to me. “Just like one more! We can, we can play a song you wrote! That’ll be super easy for you right?”

“I really can’t.” I shook my head as the pounding of my heart finally began to slow.

“Is it your depression?” Oliver asked, trying his hardest to get a good measure of what was wrong.

“I guess.” I shrugged. “I just, I have a while before I can be who you hope I am.”

Oli let out a deep breath before pulling over the ottoman and taking a seat across from me. “What’s that mean?”

“I’m washed up, and tired.” I began to explain staring into his hopeful eyes. “Worst of all I’ve lost my love for music.”

“But you were just having so much fun.” He cried, too young to understand what was truly going on with my body.

“I know, thank you for that.” I nodded my head. “But right now, I just, I have no want to play anymore. Everything is just blah.”

“You, you’re just in a funk.” The young voice insisted. “Can’t you like play through it or something?”

“No, he can’t and he won’t.” Teddy warned slowly walking down the stairs. “Care to explain why your heart rate has been spiking?”

“I just got a little excited is all.” I shrugged, looking down at the traitor on my wrist.

“A little excited for five minutes?” Teddy asked, staring me down. “When I said go play with Oliver I figured you would play around with a guitar, or on the drums, not do a whole damn workout!”

“Oh please, what’s the big deal?” Oli yelped, throwing himself back. “We were just having a little fun.”

“The big deal is that his heart,”

“Teddy.” I interrupted looking over at him. “It’s okay, really.”

“No Ryder, it’s not.” He scolded staring me down. “Now do you want to tell him why you can’t keep playing, or do you want me to?”

Oli popped right back up as he heard those words. “I-I have a weak heart.” I exhaled, forcing Oliver to look into my eyes. “So I have to take it easy with stuff like this for now.”

“What?” Oliver asked in disbelief. “What do you mean stuff like this?”

“Jumping around, singing,”

“Playing music?!” He blurted out before I could finish.

“I, um,” I hesitated looking up to Teddy for help.

“Playing music.” Teddy repeated in a nod.

“No, no, that’s gotta be wrong.” Oliver insisted looking from me to his older brother. “You’re a doctor, you have to do something!”

“We are doing something.” Teddy nodded, shifting his gaze from Oli to me. “That’s why Ryder should’ve taken it a lot easier today. Thirty days to a stronger heart, but that all begins with him.”

“So then in thirty days you can play again?” Oli asked, but I kept my silence. “Like full sets and shows like you used to right? Right?!” He exclaimed, growing more and more worked up by the moment.

“I-I don’t know.” I forced out, seeing the distress grow heavier and heavier in his eyes. “But I’m not worried about that. For now, for now I’ll focus on playing music with you when I can.”

“I don’t care about you playing with me!” He lashed out starting to grow angry with the situation. “I-I want you to be able to play like you used to! I want to see you playing arenas and stadium! I want to see you love music again! I want to see the real Ryder Sullivan.”

“Sorry kid.” Teddy sighed, sitting down next to him. “This is what you’ve got.”

“It-it’s not fair!” He let out, looking back over to me. “This has to be a joke! Please Ryder!”

I shook my head and took a long look at the distraught kid in front of me. “It’s not like I didn’t do this to myself.”

“You didn’t, you just, you messed up once! You,”

“Oli.” I forced out in a sigh. “I’ve abused drugs since I was eighteen. I ate like crap, and I drank myself to sleep every night. I’m not the person you want me to be.”

“That’s what they all said!” Oliver shouted jumping back to his feet. “My brother! My Dad! My Mom! They all said he shouldn’t be your hero. But I-I believed in you! I still do!” He yelped looking me directly in the eyes. “And I’m not letting you fail yourself.”

“Oliver you need to relax.” Teddy began, lightly grabbing his brother’s shoulder but Oli shrugged him off before he could get a real hold.

“I-I’m going to make you love music again.” Oli decided with a nod of his head. “Just like you did when we were playing Limelight, and Teddy, he-he’s going to help fix your heart. You’re going to get better.”

Teddy went to say something but I grabbed onto Oliver’s arms before he could. “Yeah?” I asked, taking a long look into his eyes.

“Yeah.” He echoed, not even hesitating slightly. “So you, you start taking care of yourself. You do what you need to do, I’ll do what I need to do, and Teddy will do what he needs to do.”

“But Oli,” Teddy sighed. “The body has limits, you need to,”

“No!” He interrupted in a loud voice. “If James Hetfield can be set on fire on stage and come back from that, you can come back from a weak heart.”

I nodded my head but stayed quiet. “Oli, why don’t you go upstairs for a lit bit? I think Ryder needs some time to think.”

Oli went to push his luck but hesitated as he took a second look. The young boy nodded to his brother and quickly ran up the stairs. “How do you feel?” Teddy asked reaching out to put his hand over my heart.

“Fine.” I mumbled pushing his hand away.

“Don’t shut me out.” Teddy warned, noticing the familiar look in my eyes.

I stayed quiet for a few seconds before looking back up at him. “I’m never going to play another show am I?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“No you can, you just,”

“Don’t lie to me.” I interrupted, raising my hand up to my head. “Just give it to me straight.” Teddy let out a sigh but didn’t say anything. “See! What is with the god damn silence all you doctors keep giving me!” I shouted, staring him right in the eyes. “It’s like you’re keeping shit from me! Aren’t I the patient? Don’t I have a right to know what the fuck is going on with my body?”

“Relax.” Teddy instructed, reaching out and placing his hand on mine. “Yelling at me isn’t going to help.”

“I-I’m sorry. I don’t mean to yell at you, I’m just, pissed off.” I shook my head. “I get it, I fucked up a lot of my life. But why won’t you guys tell me what the hell is going on?”

“There’s not much to tell you.” He shrugged, but I could tell he was holding something back. “Your depression and anxiety are off the charts, and your heart and liver took a pretty big hit from it all.”

“My mind’s always been this fucked up.” I muttered as my eyes fell from him again. “But there’s something else you’ve been hiding, something you won’t tell me.”

Teddy exhaled another deep breath before forcing my eyes back up at him. “You really want to know?” He asked as I quickly nodded my head. “You have stress cardiomyopathy.”

“Oh.” I gulped as my anxiety began to flare. “What’s that?” I forced out, feeling my breathing beginning to grow heavy.

“It’s nothing, I swear to god it’s no big deal and that’s why we’ve been keeping it from you.” He quickly comforted, seeing the anxiety attack starting to take shape. “It’ll do more damage now that you know than it did when you didn’t.”

“Okay but if my hearts fucked up then,”

“Your hearts not all that fucked up, I’ve just been, well never mind what I’ve been.” He shook his head. “Basically, your heart took a hard beating when you tried to kill yourself. We’re not sure if it was the emotional trauma you were in at the time, or from one of the seizures you had after you took those pills. Think of it like you gave yourself a heart attack.”

“And you were keeping that from me?” I asked as sweat began to coat my hands.

“Because it’s something most people have a full recovery from within weeks of it happening.” He explained, clutching my hand tightly. “Besides, I didn’t even know until Dr. Pierre figured it out last week. But we both made the decision that if you’re going to live with me it should be kept from you.”

“But why?” I demanded, still awaiting the answer.

“Most times it’s caused by emotional trauma, and I know you. I-I know that you’re going to overthink the hell out of it, and give yourself like twenty anxiety attacks in the process.” He exhaled inching closer so that we could fully look into each other’s eyes. “Every anxiety attack you give yourself is going to be another day it takes for your heart to recover.”

“But I-I can get better?” I asked in disbelief.

“We think so.” Teddy slowly nodded his head. “Why do you think we keep beating you over the head with that ‘thirty days to a healthy heart’ gimic? Take care of yourself and you should feel a lot better.”

“Like play concert’s better?” I asked, feeling hope enter my eyes for the first time in weeks.

“No one can know that until you get better.” He confessed. “I mean, I don’t see why you wouldn’t be able to play small sets, but those big concerts you used to love. I, They’re really going to be a challenge for you.”

I nodded my head and sighed. I have to get better, I have to be able to play music again. I need to find a way. “I thought you lost your love for music?” Teddy provoked with a smile as he tried to lighten the room.

“I did.” I shrugged. “But I know when I find it again the first thing I’m going to want to do is play.”

“When you find it?” Teddy repeated as his forced smile turned genuine. “Yesterday it was ‘If you find it’, what changed?”

“I found a fan that doesn’t accept if’s.” I sighed, glancing over to the drum set.

Teddy let out a small laugh and shook his head. “Be honest, were you having fun?”

“Yeah.” I quickly nodded my head. “I really was.”

“I’m glad.” He replied as his smile began to fade. “But I swear to God Ryder, if you hurt him, if you lie to him or let him down in any way. I will throw you out and never look back.”

“I swear I won’t.” I promised. “When I look at him I see a mini you, and I-I could never hurt you again. I’ll help him reach that next level as a drummer. I’ll help him become what I couldn’t.”

“Good.” Teddy let out as a smile returned to his face. “He needs someone that can speak his language.”

“I do too.” I nodded my head, knowing he’ll be just as important to me as I will be to him.

“Hey!” Teddy shouted as his grip around my hand grew so tight it hurt. “What about me?”

“You know I love you.” I smirked. “It’s just, I can’t exactly play music with you can I?”

“You never asked.” He smirked, letting my hand go. “Now come on, you need to lie down for a while.”

“Only if you’ll take a break with me.” I shrugged knowing that he would burry himself in paperwork if I took a nap.

“Ryder, I can’t there are,”

“It’s your day off.” I sighed staring deeply into his eyes. “Spend it wisely.”

“But what if I get called into surgery tomorrow and don’t have,”

“Geez and you say I overthink.” I interrupted once more. “Look, do what you want, but don’t lecture me about how bad stress is for you while you’re running yourself into the ground.”

“Fine.” He surrendered. “I’ll take a nap with you, but only for an hour.

“Yeah, yeah.” I waved off as we both got to our feet.

Yet as we started to climb up the stairs I heard the familiar sound of a loud male voice. “It’s okay.” Teddy encouraged forcing me up the stairs and into the living room. “Dad!” Teddy called out, pulling me into the kitchen.

“What’s,” Was all he could manage as our eyes connected. Just like his wife the only that had changed about him was the age on his face.

“Hi Mr. Haner.” I forced out in a gulp, but all I received was a cold silence.

“Dad.” Teddy grunted through clenched teeth.

“It’s okay.” I shrugged, turning back towards Teddy. “I understand where he’s coming from.”

“Well I don’t.” Mrs. Haner spoke up. “Harrison stop being such a child and say hello to Ryder.”

“Hi Ryder.” He forced out as though he was being held at gun point.

“That’s it?” Mrs. Haner asked. “That’s really all you’ve got? Haven’t seen the kid in thirteen years and all you’ve got is a hi?”

“I’ve got a lot more, but we always taught the boys if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” He shrugged, taking a seat and beginning to scroll through his phone.

“Now you’re just being a jerk about it.” Mrs. Haner shook her head.

“It’s okay.” I interrupted, hating that I was already causing a fight. “He has every right to be mad.”

“He doesn’t.” Mrs. Haner began once more but as she looked to her oldest son she grew quiet.

“Come on Ryder.” Teddy sighed, grabbing my hand once more and pulling me towards the stairs. “You don’t need to take this.” He muttered as we made our way up the stairs and into his room.

I stayed quiet as Teddy quickly pushed me onto bed then climbed in next to me. “Relax.” I whispered, reaching over and pulling him close.

“Ryder,” He groaned, pushing my hands away. “Remember what I said in the hospital?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think that included cuddling.” I whispered, trying my hardest to win him over.

“Fine.” He muttered, letting me reach back over and pull him in close. “But I thought you were a big bad rock star now?”

“Rock stars still need cuddles.” I teased, drawing a laugh from him.

“You’re such a child.” He giggled, leaning back into me. A few seconds of silence passed before finally he truly relaxed. “I-I missed this.” He confessed.

“Would you believe me if I said I stayed up every night dreaming to have this back?” I asked, speaking nothing but the truth.

“No, I would think you’re trying to get lucky.” He laughed, no doubt rolling his eyes.

“I’m not, I don’t even think my heart could take it right now.” I shook my head, trying my hardest to show how genuine I was being. “I just, I really did miss holding you.”

Teddy let out a puzzled breath, shocked at the words I was saying. “So then what’s the plan now that you have me back?”

“To never let you go.” I confessed, holding him tightly. A few minutes of silence passed before my mind began to run rampant. Suddenly my anxiety started to get the better of me as I thought over what happened downstairs. “Why is your mom being so nice to me?”

“I don’t know.” He muttered, half asleep half awake.

“She said she doesn’t even understand why he’s mad.” I forced out as my mind berated me. “But, she must.”

“Ryder.” Teddy groaned, rolling over to look me in my eyes. “Can’t you just turn off your brain for an hour?”

“Nope.” I let out, still wide awake with worry.

“You’re the worst.” He teased before starting to think over the situation himself. “I don’t know she just feels guilty about everything that happened.”

“How can she feel guilty?” I asked shooting him a curious look. “She didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly.” Teddy shrugged. As he went to roll back over I stopped him. “What?” He groaned.

“What do you mean what?” I continued, unable to let it go. “You can’t say exactly and just think I understand everything.”

Teddy let out a deep sigh and placed his hand on my arm. “She feels like they failed you.”

“How would they have failed me?” I let out, trying my hardest to scan my memories.

“She said they should’ve done more after your grandma passed.” He shrugged. “But that’s all I know, you-you’ll have to talk to her if you want more.”

“I will.” I decided but as I went to get up his hand pulled me back down.

“Rest.” He insisted, laying his head on my chest.

“Okay.” I gave in, laying a kiss on his head. Yet still I couldn’t fall asleep. Scenes from when we were young seemed to play on repeat in my head as I thought over everything his parents had done for me. They paid for me to go on warped tour when I couldn’t afford it, they believed in me when no one else would, they took care of my grandma when I wasn’t around to, and they took me in when she passed and I had nowhere to go.

After about an hour passed I saw the door to Teddy’s room slowly open and a young figure step in. “Ryder?” He whispered, before reaching the bottom of the bed.

“What’s the matter?” I forced out, opening my eyes.

“Ew.” He gasped as disgust spread on his face. “How can you sleep with my brother like that?”

“He’s my boyfriend.” I groaned. “What else did you expect?”

“Still, just, ew.” He shook his head before taking another long look at us. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“I wasn’t sleeping.” I shook my head. “Just give me a minute and I’ll be right out.”

He nodded his head and backed up to the door as I slipped out from under Teddy. “Where are you going?” Teddy muttered, waking up slightly.

“Your brother needs me for a second, I’ll be right back.” I whispered, laying another kiss on his head. As I turned around I noticed Oliver still standing in the doorway, carefully watching the two of us interact. “Alright, what’s up?” I asked, waiving Oli out of the doorway and quietly shutting the bedroom door behind me.

“I just, I needed to give you your first assignment.” He nervously began, handing me a small black card.

“Assignment?” I asked looking down at the card that read “Train of Thought by Dream Theater.”

“Yeah, assignment.” He nodded his head. “I-I’m going to give you different albums from different rock genres to help make you love music again. Your first one is progressive rock.” I slowly nodded my head still trying my hardest to wake up. “You know how to use the cards right? You just scan them with your phone camera and they,”

“Yes I know how to use them.” I interrupted, pulling a small new phone out of my pocket. It was something I had Teddy pick me up a few days ago so that I didn’t have to use my old one. These next two weeks I’m going to be under the radar. It’ll just be me and the Haners. “You realize most of Messiah’s albums came out on these.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He shook his head as I handed back the card.

“This album is from 2003?” I asked as it quickly downloaded. “How the hell have you heard of it?”

“I have my ways.” He shrugged with a proud smile. “Why? Have you never heard it?”

“I’ve heard it.” I quickly nodded my head. “I just forget how old all the music I grew up listening to is. I mean I was three when this came out.”

“Three?” He repeated, slightly surprised. “Man you and Teddy really are old.”

“Watch yourself Oli.” I warned, slowly opening the door again.

“Wait, wait,” He quickly motioned. “I-I have something I want to ask you.”

I let out a sigh but pulled the door close again. “What’s up?”

“Hold on.” He whispered motioning me to his room and shutting his door behind me. “I-I, you have to promise not to tell Teddy or my parents I asked.”

“As long as you’re not in any sort of trouble or danger.” I shrugged, bracing myself for what the question could be.

“It-it’s nothing like that.” He shook his head. “I’ve already asked Teddy it actually, I just don’t want him knowing I asked you.”

“Alright, then go ahead.” I let out carefully observing him.

“Wh-When did you know you were gay?” He forced out, looking over at one of the posters on his wall.

So that’s why he was watching me and Teddy so closely! “Probably when I was like eight or nine.” I shrugged. “I was lucky enough to figure it out pretty young, and then I came out when I was like fourteen or fifteen.”

“Oh.” He exhaled, beginning to work it over in his mind.

“It’s okay if you’re unsure.” I began, having had this conversation with fans before. If anything good has come out of my fame, it’s the fact that I was able to help so many LGBTQ+ youth. For some reason they flocked to me and I was always more than happy to help. “It’s something you’ll figure out with time.”

“Was there ever a time you liked a girl though?” He asked, working it over in his head.

“No.” I shook my head. “I mean, maybe emotionally, but I don’t think I ever had a crush on a girl.”

He nodded his head once more and thought about it all. “So then did you always like my brother?”

“Nope.” I softly laughed. “Sure, I thought he was cute but I didn’t like him as a person until I actually got to know him.”

“That’s so gross.” Oli shook his head. “But why didn’t you like him until you got to know him?”

I exhaled a deep breath and once more thought back to when I was young. “I blamed him for a lot of stuff he didn’t have control over. I guess he became a scapegoat because he was popular.” I shrugged. “But then Blake forced us to talk and I slowly realized that Teddy, he’s the most caring person I’ve ever met.” Oli made another disgusted face but I could tell he knew exactly what I was talking about. “Why? You have any guys you like?”

“I, no, not any particular ones.” He lied, sitting back on his bed. “But I also have girls I like.”

“Maybe you’re bisexual.” I suggested as he looked back down. “Or maybe you’re just curious and you’ll figure it out as you date different people.”

“But like, that’s okay right?” He asked starting to go into his own head.

I nodded my head but got down on his level and gripped his hand. “Of course that’s okay.” I supported. “You have the coolest parents in the world. They’ll be there for you no matter what.”

“You’re just saying that.” He mumbled, pulling his hand away from me.

“If they weren’t so cool, would they have let me stay here?” I asked, standing back up and heading towards his door. “Don’t think so much Oli, just, live.”

He nodded his head and let me return to the hallway but as I reached for Teddy’s door a thought jumped into my head. I slowly began to walk through the small hallway and down the nearby stairs before heading right back into the kitchen. “Mrs. Haner?” I called out as she looked up from the table.

“What’s the matter?” She asked, surprised to see me without Teddy.

“Nothing.” I shook my head. “I just wanted to thank you again for letting me stay here for a while.”

“It’s really no problem.” She let out, looking back down to the papers she was reading.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty.” I suddenly let out surprising us both. “None of what happened is you or your husband’s fault.”

“Is this about what he said before?” She asked but I shook my head no.

“This is about what you said.” I forced out. “You don’t owe me anything, you know that right?”

“I do owe you.” She let out, looking back up to me.

“But why?” I asked shaking my head. “You guys gave me so much, and then I turned around and made a giant freakin mess of it.”

“Because you were just a lost and hurt kid back then.” She exhaled, keeping her eyes on mine. “We should’ve gotten you help. We could’ve stopped all of this from happening.”

“I wouldn’t’ve let you.” I denied, trying to bring her some sense of peace. “I would’ve ran away and hurt Teddy, I know it.”

“Well I guess there’s no sense in talking about the would haves.” She shrugged. “We all have the chance to redeem ourselves to each other now, and whether it looks like it or not we all will.” She let out, gesturing towards the basement where her husband was hanging out.

“You really think so?” I asked, speaking as though I was a teenager again.

“He still cares about you, he just won’t admit it.” She nodded her head. “ He’ll get over it soon enough, you’ll see.” I saw the look on her face turn to anger as she heard a thud come from the staircase. “Oliver Harrison Haner! You better lock yourself in your room and pray I don’t find a way in!”

“Crap!” A young voice yelped as the sound of running sounded through the house followed by a slammed door.

“Mother nature is cruel Ryder.” She shook her head. “She made my first son quiet and obedient to trick me into wanting more kids, then bashed me over the head with my second.”

“He’s a good kid.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Just very, lively.”

She let out a small laugh and nodded her head. “He’s his father’s son. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to death but he really tests my patience. Sometimes I really don’t know how to get through to him.”

“Maybe I’ll be able to.” I offered, looking over to the staircase he had just been hiding on.

“You’re more than welcome to try.” She offered with a smile.

If I can repay this family in anyway it’ll be by getting Oliver to listen to them. But still, I don’t think he’ll ever truly behave. He’s a drummer at heart and if that doesn’t show when he’s behind the kit, well it certainly shows in his day to day life. He’s a genius, I know he is. He’s just, crazy. Then again, the greatest geniuses were always the one to blur the lines. Keep rockin’ kid. I promise I’ll help you put all that energy of yours to good use.