The Hidden Ones: Resurrection - 20. Redemption

---Ryder---

As I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling all I could do was be battered by thought after thought. Depression gets so romanticized in today’s world, but it’s not pretty or fun. It fucking sucks. I know Teddy loves me. I know he wants me here. I even know his mother is okay with it. Yet my mind keeps telling me otherwise. It tells me I’m a drain on him. It tells me I ruined his life and now I’m back for more. It tells me he’s never fully forgiven me, and that he never truly will. It tells me I’m not good enough. It tells me I should just end it all now and save everyone the pain.

“H-hey.” A young voice called out as the bedroom door finally opened. I wondered if he was going to come sit with me. I figured I’d scared him too much, that the process would be way too much for him. Yet here he is. I went to say something but stopped myself too scared to say something wrong. I don’t want to screw this kid up. I don’t want to confuse him more than I already have.

“I, uh, I wanted to play you something I was writing.” He said, slowly taking a seat next to me and placing a set of bongo drums on his lap. He took in a nervous gulp but played me a short rhythmic beat. He tried his hardest to show off but with two small drums there’s not much you could do. Yet still, the rhythm he had created, it was pretty genius for a kid his age. It had the right mix of pacing and aggression. One you could use for almost any song.

“I, yeah, that was it.” He stuttered. “Sorry if that was loud, I just, I figured you’d like to hear it.” He anxiously began to tap on the sides of the drums as he watched my eyes stay fixed on the ceiling. “I, um, I bought music for you too. When I get upset I like to listen to music, and I figured you’re like me.” He explained inserting a small card into the small speaker he had brought in with him. “It’s Slipknot, which I guess makes it your album for the day. It’s The Subliminal Verses. I didn’t know what to pick, but I know you really like Corey Taylor, and they inspired you to do volumes with your albums too. I really like their first drummer, he was a beast.” He nervously laughed as the music began to quietly play from the speakers.

After a minute or two passed I found the strength to reach over and turn it up. “You like it?” He asked, trying his hardest to hide his excitement. He may not be confident in his choice, but music is exactly what I need right now. As the riff to the second song began to blast I felt my heart race in my chest. Without warning I jumped to my feet and started to head towards the door.

“Ryder?” Oli gulped quickly following behind me. “Where are you going?” Once more I stayed silent as the young boy followed me down to the basement where all the instruments laid.

The second I saw the guitar laying in its stand I knew exactly what my body needed. Oliver looked on in shock as I quickly hooked it up to an amp and began to play away. The song we had just listened to seemed to flow out of my body as my soul fought against my mind. My body, my heart, it wants music. It wants to play. It wants to get back to where I was. I don’t just want this. I fucking need it.

As the angry lyrics left my lips I could feel my body beginning to jump back to life. I could feel everything fighting back. As though I was finally taking a stand against my illness. I waived for Oli to join me on the drums, but he stayed frozen in place.

I could feel my heart racing in my chest as the song ended. “Well come on.” I forced out through heavy breathing. “Let’s run another one.”

He stayed still but the second I began to strum again ran over to the amp and pulled the plug. “What the hell Oliver?” I demanded. “I’m just,” My words froze as my heart roared in my chest. Suddenly a cold sweat began to coat me as nausea took over. I barely got the guitar off as the world quickly began to spin.

“Ryder!” Oliver yelped, quickly running up to me and trying his hardest to help me to the couch. “I-I’m gonna go get my dad!”

“No!” I forced out through labored breaths. “I-I’ll be fine, it it’s just fatigue, trust me.”

“I don’t believe you.” Oliver shook his head. I tried to grab his arm but he slipped away and started running upstairs before I could.

The spinning finally began to slow as Mr. Haner rushed down the stairs. “What’s wrong?” He demanded rushing up to me. “What’d you do?”

“Nothing, I just, I played a song.” I forced out as Mr. Haner desperately ripped his phone out of his pocket. “No, no,” I shook my head. “Th-there’s no reason to call Teddy.”

He took a step back and ignored my words. “I’m not sure.” Were the first words Mr. Haner let out as the call finally connected. “You want to talk to him?”

Before I knew it the phone was being forced into my hand. “Ryder!” Teddy shouted in my ear. “What the hell is going on? I’ve called you like ten times! I almost sent an ambulance!”

“I-Im okay.” I managed out. “I just wanted to play a song.”

“Was it Oliver?” Teddy asked as his tone turned to anger.

“No.” I exhaled. “It was me, he wouldn’t even play anything. He actually pulled the plug on it.”

“I, good.” He said as concern grew in his voice. “How do you feel right now?”

“Nauseous and dizzy.” I replied, praying that the spins would pass. “My chest kind of hurts, and I-I’m so cold.”

“Okay.” He sighed. “I’m watching your heart rate now and it’s starting to drop so you’ll be okay, just put me back on the phone with my dad.”

“I love you.” I forced out, praying he thought the same.

“I love you too you maniac.” He dismissed as I handed the phone over.

“Yeah I can sit with him.” Mr. Haner nodded his head. “Oliver go get him some aspirin and an ice pack.” Mr. Haner instructed. For the first time since he moved in I saw Oliver listen without question. Like a bat out of hell he flew back upstairs to get the resources.

“Put your knees up higher.” Mr. Haner instructed as I slowly raised my legs. Before I knew it he was forcing pillows under my knees to create a ‘W’. “Okay now what?” Mr. Haner asked the other end. “And you’re sure he’ll be okay?” He asked once more. “Okay, do you want to talk to him?” He let out but nodded his head. “I’ll let him know. Don’t worry, he’ll be okay.”

Mr. Haner let out a deep sigh as he sat down across from me. “He said you’re a hard headed asshole but he loves you.” I nodded my head but focused on trying to calm my breathing.

Before I knew it Oliver was rushing back down the stairs and handing his father all the items he had asked for. “Take this.” He instructed giving me two tablets of aspirin. “And place this on your chest.” He continued handing me the ice pack.

Oliver nervously stood by as he watched me slowly start to feel better. “Why’d you do that?” he finally asked, taking a seat next to his dad.

“I wasn’t thinking.” I shook my head. “Just a stupid choice.”

“That’s what depression does to you.” Mr. Haner explained looking to his youngest son. “It encourages you to make risky choices. I bet Ryder wasn’t even thinking about his heart.”

“I just wanted to play guitar.” I shook my head, recalling the instinct that had taken over. “Throughout my whole life whenever one of my episodes would come to an end I would just want to play, but I guess that’s out the window.”

“For now.” Mr. Haner tried to comfort, seeing the depression fall back on my face. “From what I’ve heard you’ll be better.”

“Yeah.” Oli quickly encouraged. “Just keep listening to Teddy, and we, we’ll help you get better.”

I nodded my head but didn’t say anything. How could I have been so fucking stupid? How could I forget about my heart? I almost just dropped dead right in front of Oliver! Then what? They did all that work to take me in just so I can scar their youngest son for life? Am I really that stupid? Am I really that selfish?

“Maybe I shouldn’t have played you music.” Oliver suddenly let out. “I, I just didn’t know it would cause this.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I said, quickly turning to him. “You helped me, music was a good idea. You’re never wrong for helping people, even if they do something stupid after.”

Oliver looked to his father who nodded his head along to my words. “Why don’t you go hang out upstairs Oli?” He asked in a sigh. “I need to talk to Ryder alone.” Oli hesitated but slowly began to walk back upstairs.

“No fighting.” He slowly warned as he reached the top of the stairs. “Ryder’s heart can’t handle it.”

“Go upstairs Oliver.” I instructed as he finally disappeared out the door. “And no eavesdropping!”

“We deserve to be lectured by a kid.” Mr. Haner suddenly shook his head. I nodded my head in support of his words, but gulped not knowing what was coming next. “Why’d you do what you did?” He exhaled. “Why’d you cheat on Teddy? You could’ve just come to me. Hell or high water I-I would’ve done anything to help you.”

I grew quiet as his words hit me. “I didn’t want to waste your time.” I finally let out. “You did so much for me. I was just going to be more of a burden.”

“I, that’s bull shit.” He shook his head. “Because I never once treated you like a burden. I always welcomed you here, so for you to sit right here and lie to my face,”

“Believe what you want, but it’s the truth.” I interrupted. “You said it yourself, depression fucks up how you think.”

He shook his head in frustration as he heard those words. “Don’t hide behind being sick, back then I heard you say you thought of me like a father. Hell, you even said it yesterday. But you’ll say whatever you need to get what you want, and that’s my problem with you.”

“I’m not hiding behind being sick.” I argued, not even looking over at him. “And what the fuck does it matter what I thought of you, why would that change anything?”

“Because, because if you really thought of me like a father you would’ve come to me. You would’ve known I would have given everything I had to make you okay.” He shouted as his anger got the better of him. “Just like I do with Teddy, and just like I do with Oliver. I would’ve helped you! I would’ve stopped any of this from happening! You didn’t need to start abusing drugs or alcohol! Teddy didn’t need to be hurt! But at the end of the day none of that mattered to you, because you were only in this for yourself.”

I grew quiet and gulped as I heard those words. “That’s wrong.” I finally spoke with a shake of my head. “I started abusing drugs the second my grandma was buried. Teddy was with me the first time I did it. He watched me throw it all up. I saw the look of horror on his face. I saw all the pain that one night put him through. If-if you would’ve seen that you would understand why I faked that video.” I explained staring straight ahead. “No one in this world loves Teddy more than I do. I would put myself through hell if I thought that would help him, no, I did put myself through hell thinking it would help him.” I groaned. “And regardless of what you think, you couldn’t’ve saved me from myself.”

“But why not try and come to me?!” He demanded in a booming voice. “Why didn’t you at least give me a chance?” Once more I grew quiet. “Stop avoiding the god damn question Ryder!”

“Because I never had a father!” I finally broke looking over at him. “The only dad I knew killed himself when I was five, and I-I didn’t want another. I remember growing up and hating every single boy and dad I saw.” I shook my head. “I remember seeing dads carrying their sons or playing with them, but I-I never fucking got that. The memoires I have of him, they’ve all faded by now. Hell, by time I met you I barely even remembered what he looked like it!” I shouted. “And sure, you started supporting me. You-you came into my life and you filled the void so fucking well, but some nights, some nights it only made everything hurt worse. It made all those years without my dad feel even emptier.”

I fought off tears as I felt water beginning to build in my eyes. “So yeah I thought of you like a dad. I came to you when I needed help with my sets, or advice. I-I looked forward to having you in the crowd at every show you came to, and when I got nervous I wouldn’t just look at Teddy I would look at you too.” I could slowly feel the tears beginning to fall as I spoke. “But when I lost my grandma, it-it reminded me you weren’t my father. It reminded me I can’t get lost in that fantasy. Because it didn’t matter how bad I wanted you to be, you were never my blood, and I had no right to take up your time. Especially with Oliver on the way.”

“Teddy’s right. You are a hard headed asshole.” He shook his head, trying to hide the tear from his own eyes. “But blood doesn’t mean shit to me. It never once did. I heard my wife say it to you, I-I was always proud of everything you accomplished in music.” He confessed. “Every award you won, every album you put out, it made me so happy. But at the same time it reminded me what a cold world it can be out there. It reminded me how much life took from you, and how much you took from Teddy as a result of it.”

“I never meant to hurt him so bad, I thought he would get over it. It was just three months,”

“It was just three months.” Mr. Haner repeated. “But what happened in those three months was more than what happens in most lifetimes, and it’s time for me to start recognizing that.”

A few minutes of silence filled the air as we both tried to get a grip over our emotions. “I’m sorry Mr. Haner.” I finally spoke. “If I could go back I would change everything. If I could,”

“We can’t change the past.” He interrupted. “So, why don’t we stop talking about it?” I slowly nodded my head, not fully understanding what he was saying. “And for god’s sake, how many times have I told you its Harry?”

“Really?” I couldn’t help but ask as my heart started to race once more.

“Yeah.” he slowly nodded. “I, we’ve all changed so much. Some for better, but a lot for worse. And we all need to get back to where we were. You and Teddy have helped me see that. If I can help you change, then maybe you can help me change.”

“I’m willing to try if you are.” I offered, slowly starting to sit up.

“Of course I am.” He leaned over, and slowly began to wrap his arms around me. “I failed you Ryder Sullivan. I should’ve stepped up and helped you when you needed it.”

“Should’ve?” I asked holding him close. “I need it now, and you are stepping up.”

“Well it took you almost having a heart attack to get us here.” He sighed as I finally let him go. “We made up just in time for Teddy to kill you.”

“Was he really that upset?” I gulped.

“Oh yeah.” Harry replied. “I’ll hide the guitars or something, so from now on if you want to play ask and if you’re well enough I’ll get you one.”

I slowly nodded my head and sighed. “Do you mind if I have some of mine mailed here?” I suddenly asked, thinking of the racks and racks of guitars out in California. “You’ll love them.”

“If you want.” He shrugged. “Why what kind are they?”

“Most are Schechter.” I answered with a proud smile. “I’ve got my own series and all.”

“Those are crap!” He announced in a loud voice. “You couldn’t sign with someone good like Fender?”

“Schechter is amazing.” I defended. “Fender’s lost their touch over the year. Zach used them and they would fall apart every other show!”

“That’s because he’s reckless.” Harry argued in a loud voice.

“Men!” Mrs. Haner shouted walking through the garage door. “Or should I call you children? Because that’s what you’ve been acting like! I think I speak for all of us in this house when I say the tension between you two has made us all,”

“We made up.” Harry interrupted in a sigh.

“What?” She shook her head in disbelief. “What?” She repeated.

“We had a whole big conversation.” I explained. “I, me and Harry are getting back to the same page.”

“Then what the hell are you two arguing about?” She asked shooting us a puzzled look.

“Because this knucklehead’s signed with Schechter.” He said, looking back to me. “Do you even understand the difference in quality?”

“You two are such morons.” She surrendered. Yet as she walked towards the stairs I swear I saw a smile beginning on her face.

“Of course I understand the quality!” I argued as Oliver slowly walked down the stairs. “I was the one recording the solos for Messiah in the studio!”

“Well congrats because you did it on shitty guitars.” He shrugged.

“They are not.” I insisted in a laugh. “When they get here I’ll let you try one. Oliver, how do Messiah’s solos sound?”

“Amazing.” He said, cautiously sitting next to his father.

“He’ll say anything Messiah is amazing.” Harry argued, refusing to let it go. “When you’re ready to hit another gear in your career you’ll be switching to Fender.”

We both looked over to Oliver as he anxiously observed our friendly debate. “It’s okay.” I smiled. “We’re just teasing one another.”

“But you two have been yelling all afternoon.” He finally spoke.

Harry nodded his head and thought it over. “Sometimes when you love someone you get mad at them and yell.” He began. “But it doesn’t mean you stopped loving them.”

“You love Ryder?” He asked shooting his father a puzzled look.

“Just like I love you and Teddy.” He confirmed causing my emotions to spike. “I, I may have been mad at him for a long time, but that doesn’t meant the love ever went anywhere.”

“Just like with you Oli.” I quickly supported. “If any of us get mad at you, it doesn’t mean we stopped loving you.”

“So you love me too?” Oli asked quickly looking over to me.

“If I didn’t I wouldn’t’ve let you come into my room when I was having an episode.” I nodded my head.

“You guys are weird.” He decided, standing up and heading back towards the stairs to hide his smile.

“Wait!” Harry shouted. “Do you love us back?”

“Probably.” He shrugged, starting to climb the stairs.

“What does probably mean?” I teased in a laugh.

“It means probably.” He replied, refusing to answer the question.

“He’s his mother’s son.” Harry laughed, looking back at the stairs.

I nodded my head and laughed along with him. Just a day ago his mother was saying the opposite. I think Oliver is both of them. He has the passion and work ethic of his mother with the care free fun loving spirit of his father. A father we now share. One that’s forgiven me for all I’ve done. One that whether he’s shown it or not has been proud of me through it all. We’ll both get back to where we were. I promise we will.

*************************************************************************************

When Teddy finally got home from work I got an earful about how reckless I was. That I was stupid for playing guitar and singing. That even a thirteen year old knew better than me. That I should’ve checked my phone like a responsible adult. But I could tell all the anger was coming from love. He was really scared for me, I-I really do mean a lot to him.

“So you guys really forgave one another?” Teddy asked as we both got ready for bed.

“Mhm.” I hummed with a smile. “We got into a big fight at first, but maybe that’s what we needed. It just got all that anger out and helped us to get on the same page.”

“Whatever works.” He shook his head. “I’m just relieved you’re okay.”

“It really wasn’t that bad.” I lied. “I was just freaking out because Oliver and Harry were freaking out.”

“I saw your heart rate.” He said with a roll of his eyes. “It was that bad.”

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. “Wasn’t as bad as when you got home and started yelling.”

“You’re lucky that’s all I did. Liz slaps Blake apparently.” He giggled, as I slowly began to hug him from behind.

“Isn’t that illegal?” I asked, starting to hold him closer.

“Probably, but they’re weird anyway.” He shrugged, trying to break away from me. “What the hell are you doing?” He laughed as I gently began to kiss his neck.

“Well, we did fight today.” I began in a low voice. “So how about we make up in the best way?”

“We didn’t fight, you did something stupid and I yelled at you.” He rolled his eyes. “And after all these years, you’re still not smooth?” I refused to answer as I kept kissing him, feeling that it was slowly working. “Ryder, stop,” He let out, but I could feel him starting to grow weak in his knees. “Alright, alright, just get in bed, I’ll go lock the door.”

“Really?” I asked as a smile overtook my face.

“Yes, just keep it down.” He shook his head. “How the hell did you go from depressed to turned on?”

“Depressions weird like that.” I shrugged, happily jumping onto the bed. “Don’t worry I’ll be depressed again tomorrow.”

“That’s what worries me.” He groaned as he locked the door and quickly walked over to bed. “I knew sharing a bed with you was going to be a bad idea.”

“Or a really good idea.” I tempted reaching for him to join me in bed.

“That depends if you’ve still got it.” He teased, quickly taking off his shirt and laying down next to me.

“I may not have had real sex for thirteen years, but I’ve still got it.” I smiled, ripping off my own shirt.

As I pulled him in close I could feel him rub up against me. I slowly reached down and ran my hand along the front of his shorts, feeling the outline of the long hard member that hid inside. He slowly grinded into my lingering hand, showing he was just as turned on as me, maybe even more.

As I pulled away at his shorts I could feel my heart beginning to beat faster but tried my hardest to ignore it. He raised his hips in an effort to help, but before I knew it I felt his lips up against mine. I pulled at his boxers as I felt his hands slowly beginning to rub against my shorts. Once more his hips rose, but this time the motion dropped his boxers and freed him from his restraint.

I couldn’t help but roll on top of him as he pulled away my shorts and let me free. For the first time since I was a eighteen I could feel myself stiffening so much it hurt. This is it, this is the time with every other guy where I usually fall flaccid, but not now, not with him. As I pulled away from his lips I couldn’t help but look down and smile. He’s just as I remember him. No matter what he was packing, he was always going to be perfect to me, but looking at his shaft, well it brought back that pleasure of seeing his six inches for the first time all those years ago.

I couldn’t help let out a short moan as I felt his soft hand begin to wrap around my organ. As he slowly began to stroke it I finally felt a familiar pleasure that had been missing for too long. “You’re so fucking perfect.” I whispered letting my head fall onto his shoulder. Slowly but surely we flipped over and he began to gently kiss a line down my chest.

I clutched the sheets with anticipation as I felt the warmth of his breath against my length. As his tongue reached out and began to run its length I could feel my body rise as though it was headed to heaven.

Without warning his phone began to blare an alarm so piercing it sent him flying off me. “What the fuck?” I asked, but the second he climbed off I felt the world begin to spin just like it did before.

Teddy quickly taped his phone before letting out a disappointed sigh. “Fuck.” He groaned. “There’s no way we can keep going.”

“No come on.” I argued, but could hardly even look straight. “I, that wasn’t for my heart.”

“Of course that was for your heart.” He rolled his eyes. “You think I just have that alarm on my phone for fun?”

“No, come on, I-I just need a second to catch my breath.” I pleaded as he tossed me my shorts. “I’ll be fine!”

“Hey!” Oli yelped as he began to bang on the door. “Are you guys okay?”

“We’re fine!” Teddy quickly yelled back as the passion in the room quickly dispersed. “Ryder just had a nightmare!”

“Oh. Goodnight.” He replied, as the voice faded away.

“I didn’t have a nightmare, I’m living a nightmare.” I muttered, slowly getting dressed again.

“We got further than I would’ve thought.” Teddy shrugged, finally starting to cover up.

“But still, what about,”

“Don’t over think it.” Teddy interrupted, knowing what my next thoughts may be. “Just, this is incentive for you to take care of your heart.”

“Yeah, because it’s so easy to get you in the mood.” I dejectedly exhaled.

“Once you get better I’ll suck you dry.” He sensually whispered, laying one last kiss on my lips. Before he could even pull away his phone began to sound out again. “Really?” He giggled, hitting his phone one last time.

“You knew what you were doing!” I shouted as he laid his head on my chest to listen to my heart. “You’re a siren, luring me to my death.”

“I can’t hear shit, I don’t know why I though that’d work.” He shook his head, grabbing his phone off the night stand. “Your heart rate isn’t too bad.” He exhaled looking at the chart on the screen. “And you already took aspirin today, so just breathe slowly and relax. You’ll be fine.”

I rolled my eyes and turned my back to him. God damn it! We were so damn close! He had me in his hand! He was about to have me in his mouth! But still, it’s nice to know how into each other we still are. It was nice to feel him so turned on, so, so alive! I can still excite him, I-I know that may not sound like much, but to me that’s a pretty big deal. I’ll get better, if not for my own health than just to lay with you one last time Teddy.

*The Blisters Exist- Slipknot (Volume 3: The Subliminal Verses, 2004)