The Hollow Hills - 28. Chapter 28

Galen

Eddie and Matt’s property was beautiful, but not as beautiful as The Hollow Hills. No place would ever compare, since none of them contained Josh. I’d gone there to try to escape my feelings—which I now knew Josh returned. Even thinking about how I might navigate this turn in our relationship, given all my issues, overwhelmed me to near paralysis.

While there were similarities between the two farms and their inhabitants, they were vastly different from Texas and Jamie. One of the things I missed when I lived in Texas was green. The northeast was shrouded in green during the spring and summer, and exploded in color in the fall. The dense New England foliage felt like a hug—it embraced everything around it. Texas consisted of varying shades of brown. Yes, there was some greenery, but not like the lush vegetation of Vermont. I hadn’t realized how much I loved the change in seasons until they were gone. The seasonal changes in Texas were different, more subtle, and less extreme—minus the occasional hurricane warning. I loved the warm temperatures in Texas, so it surprised me to find I hadn’t minded winter nearly as much as I thought I would. I supposed it shouldn’t have been all that much of a surprise, since during that particular winter cold temperatures were the least of my worries.

I leaned back until I was lying in the thick grass above the lush valley spread out below me. I felt like a cat stretching in the sun, basking in its warmth. A pang of longing stabbed through me as I thought about Tigger. I missed my cat, but didn’t think it would be fair to him to uproot him from his new home.

I pictured Jamie and sighed. We’d spent the majority of our lives together. My identity had been wrapped up with him for so long—the sense of freedom I had felt once I left him overwhelmed me at times. Jamie’s cheating had been a weight dragging me down to depths I hadn’t realized until I left. Meeting Josh had helped lift me up and show me a world I had never imagined I’d be a part of. There was a pronounced difference between the two men. Jamie was an outgoing party boy, while Josh was reserved and cranky. But damn… that brooding intensity was hot.

I placed my hand over my eyes. I wanted to avoid thoughts of Josh, not launch into a comparative essay on the similarities and differences between the men in my life. Somehow Josh invaded my mind, no matter how hard I tried to push him away. The snap of a twig turned my attention to the path next to me.

“We need to talk.” Eddie’s expression was serious as he settled on the ground next to me.

My heart raced and body trembled. Those words were never followed by anything good.

“You’ve been here almost a week. You can’t keep putting off making a decision.”

I huffed out my breath and frowned. He was right but hiding from my problems was much easier than dealing with them.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to impose. I can leave tonight, if you want. I’ll find a hotel.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You can stay here as long as it’s doing you some good. Right now, I’m not convinced it is.”

“You’ve helped me a lot. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who’s gone through this.”

“I think you should talk to Mattie. He can give you another perspective. Remember, you’re not the only one hurting.”

I winced. I hated the thought of causing Josh pain but rationalized it would be temporary. Then he could move on. “Yeah, OK. I’ll do that.”

“I’m heading out to work. Mattie’s got the day off, so you two have plenty of time to talk.”

“I’ll head to the house in a few minutes.”

Eddie reached out and squeezed my shoulder. “You already know my thoughts.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I do. Thanks.”

He rose. “Stubbornness is good for some things, but not for others. Don’t be so mule-headed you let a good thing pass you by.”

“Duly noted.”

I watched Eddie as he headed down the path toward the house. He reminded me of Liam in a lot of ways. They were both tough, but fair, and pulled no punches when they wanted to get their point across. I thought back to the morning I arrived at Eddie and Matt’s.

“Coffee?”

I nodded. “That would be great. I was up pretty early.”

“Yeah, you’d have to be to get there this early. Cream and a shit load of sugar, right?”

“You have a good memory.”

“It comes with the job,” Eddie replied as he poured a cup of coffee.

Matt slid a plate and utensils in front of me. “Good timing. I’m making pancakes.”

“Sounds good.” Regret stabbed my heart. Josh made the best pancakes.

Eddie set the cup of hot liquid in front of me, followed by a carton of creamer and bowl of sugar. I scooped four heaping spoonfuls into the mug, followed by a swig of creamer. We ate breakfast and made small talk, avoiding conversation about anything of substance—especially the reason for my sudden appearance in their kitchen.

After we finished eating, Matt stayed in the kitchen and cleaned up while Eddie and I headed into the living room.

“So, what’s going on? Somehow, I don’t think this is a social call,” Eddie stated.

I shrugged. “I need to work some stuff out and I can’t do it on the farm.”

“Did you and Josh break up?”

“We weren’t a couple. So no, we didn’t break up.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow.

I rolled my eyes. “Please don’t tell me we were a couple. I’ve heard it enough from other people.”

“Well maybe you should listen if enough people are telling you the same thing.”

I scowled.

“So what happened?”

I looked out the sliding glass doors. The scenery outside reminded me of the farm. “Josh kissed me,” I mumbled. It sounded lame, even to me, when I said it out loud.

Eddie snorted. “And here I thought you had an actual problem.” He grinned.

I glared at him. “It’s a problem because it means—”

“Means what? It’s obvious the guy is crazy about you.”

“We have a bit of… history. Things have never been all that, well, clear between us.”

“People tend to think things are more complicated than they really are.”

I huffed out my breath and crossed my arms. “You sound like Daniel.”

“Who’s Daniel?”

“My therapist.”

“He sounds like a wise man.” Eddie winked.

“He has his moments.”

“Well you picked a good day to show up. I’m off today, so we have all day to talk. Tell me.”

“I’m not sure I’m up to re-telling our whole story. I just told it to Daniel the other day.”

“Then tell me what brings you here. Why here? Why me?”

“You understand PTSD. I thought you could help me sort through stuff.”

“What kind of stuff? You need to be more specific.”

I shrugged.

Eddie exhaled sharply and ran his hand through his hair. “Galen, I can’t help you unless you’re honest with me.”

I sighed. “I don’t know where to start.”

“All right. Let’s cut through the crap. This all has to do with Josh. You love him, right?”

I nodded. God help me, but damn I loved that man.

“And he loves you, right?”

I shrugged. Trying to figure out Josh’s emotions was an exercise in futility.

Eddie snorted. “You love each other, so what’s keeping you apart?”

“Each other, I guess.”

“Tell me how you met.”

I ended up telling him everything from the minute I set eyes on Josh to his multiple rejections, ending with the kiss.

“What I’m hearing is about two passionate people who are too stubborn to admit what they’ve known all along.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You sure you’re a sheriff and not a therapist?”

“They’re often one and the same. Look, Galen, I know you want me to tell you what to do, but I can’t. You have to make your own decisions. But I will say I haven’t seen many people who are as dedicated to someone else as Josh is to you. Giving that up would be… foolish.”

He was probably right. And lord knows I wasn’t always the best at making good decisions.

So now, a week later, Matt was sitting on the couch in the living room when I returned to the house. I sat on the opposite end, facing him. “Eddie said we should talk.”

He nodded. “I sympathize with what you and Josh are going through. When Eddie was battling his issues, he tried to leave me because he thought I’d be better off without him. He wasn’t thinking straight.”

I couldn’t stop the smile from creeping across my face, or my smart ass reply. “I’d be worried if he started thinking straight.”

Matt laughed. “Good point. The problem was he stopped communicating with me. He made decisions that were mine to make, not his.”

“What do you mean?”

“It hurt me tremendously when he left. I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. I had taken care of him through all the anxiety attacks and nightmares. I made sure he ate. I drove him to his appointments and tried to make sure he had all the help he needed. But it wasn’t enough. He left anyway because he didn’t want to be a burden to me. But that wasn’t up to him to decide. It was up to me to determine what level of broken I was willing to live with.”

I stared at him. He’d pretty much just summarized things between me and Josh. And damn if he wasn’t right. “Your situation is similar, but there’s another level to what I’m going through. I’m afraid—” I stopped, feeling stupid about my fears. I was afraid of what most men wanted.

“What are you afraid of?”

“It sounds stupid when I say it, but I’m afraid of sex.”

“Why does that sound stupid? It makes perfect sense to me after what you went through.”

“Maybe, but why put Josh through that? He should be with someone who can love him and give themselves completely to him. I love him, but I don’t think we’ll ever be able to—well, be intimate.”

“Then you should talk to him about it. Get his side of things. And don’t assume you’ll never be intimate with someone again.”

I sighed. “The last thing I want is to associate Josh with is… well… with what happened to me. I’m afraid it’s too ingrained in me now. Any time I think of sex I think of— I can’t do that to him.”

“Well here’s my opinion, for what it’s worth. You have a man who loves you and who you love. You already have an established friendship, so you know each other well. You’ve lived together for several months, even shared the same bed. You’ve been through the worst… why not see where the best can go? Do you really think you’ll be happier on your own?”

I frowned and stared out the window.

“I can’t tell you how to live your life. I can only give you my perspective and advice. Take it or leave it as you will. But if I were you, I’d make my decision soon, before you no longer have a choice.”

I nodded. Josh wouldn’t wait forever, whether I wanted him to or not.

*****

I sat in Betsey and regarded the farmhouse, wondering if anyone had heard me pull up. I was parked next to Josh’s old pickup. Alannah’s Jeep and Liam’s sherrifmobile completed the row. So everyone was there to witness my return. Great.

I glanced down the tree-lined driveway. I didn’t have to go inside. I could just as easily head back the way I came and turn left—away from Josh, the farm, my cousin, Jody, and the life I’d established since leaving Texas and Jamie. I sighed and faced the house again. My intention to leave faltered. The thought of seeing Josh and walking away caused an actual, physical sensation of pain. But it was the right choice, right?

Yes, it would hurt like hell, but we’d each get over it and move on. At least he would. He’d find someone else to love and share his body and life with. Me? I’d suffer with my issues until I couldn’t take it anymore. Fuck. What a cheerful thought.

I opened Betsey’s door and headed up the porch steps. I hesitated at the door, unsure if I should knock or just go in. I snorted. I’d always walked right in, even before I lived here. Why knock now? A whinny echoed across the yard, prompting me to turn toward the barn. Buck and Charlie stood side-by-side in the paddock next to the barn, staring in my direction. I wiped away tears from my eyes. I hadn’t even considered Buck in my plans. Maybe I was making a mistake. But was the mistake in leaving or coming back?

I opened the door and stepped into the mudroom, then quietly shut the door behind me. Alannah’s Irish lilt and Liam’s deep tenor felt like a fuzzy blanket, comforting and homey, as they rehashed their day. I gripped the doorframe until my knuckles turned white. I hadn’t realized how much I missed our evening banter. Could I really walk away from this?

Josh stood in front of the sink, washing dishes. His shoulders slumped, and his back was slightly hunched, in contrast to his usual straight posture. His movements were methodical, perfunctory, and lacked enthusiasm. Not that doing the dishes was all that exciting, but Josh tended to perform tasks efficiently—precise, quick, and energetic.

He dropped the dish in his hand with a clatter, and instead of picking it up and resuming his chore immediately, he rested on his forearms and huffed out his breath. He looked defeated. I wanted to run to him, slide my arms around him, and tell him everything would be OK, even if I didn’t believe it.

I looked at the door behind me, wondering if it was too late to leave and avoid a messy confrontation. The choice was taken away from me; however, for when I turned back to the kitchen, I was met with silence and three sets of eyes staring at me.

Only one pair mattered to me at that moment. Those chocolate brown pools that threatened to drown me felt like a mirror of my own emotions. Hope, fear, and a touch of anger blazed in the few seconds we made eye contact. My resolve to leave dissipated like early morning fog burned by the sun. Josh approached me as he would a skittish horse—his body angled slightly away, but with sure strides. The only difference was the look we exchanged. Staring at a skittish horse provoked their prey instinct, since predators needed to keep an eye on their movements. Josh was no predator, and I was no longer prey.

The pain of our separation was etched in the lines on his face and messy scruff. While not as meticulous about his appearance as I usually was, Josh always dressed neatly and kept his stubble trimmed. Unlike his current appearance. Tears streamed down my face when I saw the raw honesty in his eyes. His walls were gone—defenses breached. I’d never seen him this way. We were both one, giant, raw, exposed nerve, and the only way to seek relief was in each other.

Josh’s tight embrace released all the doubts and fear I’d been experiencing, as I quietly sobbed into his shoulder. His fingers snaked through my hair, finding the skin on the back of my neck, and he rubbed circles with his thumb right underneath my ear. The gesture immediately calmed me. If I was a cat, I’d have been a ball of purring contentment.

“Don’t ever leave me again,” he whispered into my hair.

“I’m so broken,” I replied, burrowing my head into his shoulder. He tightened his arms around me.

I took a shaky breath and moved slightly back, still in his arms, until I made eye contact. “Can you live with my level of damage?”

He frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m so fucked up. I can’t ask anyone to put up with my issues. I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal again.”

He wiped away my tears and smiled. “Then don’t ask.”

I scowled. “You don’t understand.”

“You’re right. I don’t understand what you’re saying. But I’m willing to try. I’m here and not going anywhere. I know there are problems, Galen. I’ve been living with them for how many months? Why on Earth would you think I’d push you away now?”

I huffed out my breath. “You don’t know everything. And I think some of them are probably deal-breakers.”

“Do you even listen to yourself when you speak?”

I narrowed my eyes.

“Fine. So what do you consider a deal-breaker?”

I looked down. “I can’t have sex,” I mumbled.

He stared at me. “Is that what all this is about?”

“Do you really want a relationship with someone terrified to have sex? I can’t ask that of you. It’s not fair. You deserve to be with someone willing to share their body with you. And that’s not me.”

He smoothed my hair away from my forehead. “Do you honestly think that matters to me?”

I stared at him, uncertain of my formerly solid conviction.

“I love you, Galen. Not your dick. I don’t care if never have sex again, as long as I have you in my life.”

I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. I reached up and ran my hands alongside his face, feeling his shaggy beard. “You love me?”

“Are you really so surprised?”

I shook my head. “I love you too.”

“Now don’t freak out and run away this time… but I’m going to kiss you now.”

Josh traced his thumb along my cheek, and I relished the sensation. When our lips touched, I felt some of the cracks in my shattered being start to reform into a small semblance of cohesion. While I still had a long way to go, it was a start. His mouth was soft, warm, and kind. It was a kiss designed to show me how much he truly did love me, and I received the message loud and clear.

I flashed back to the first time we met and the passion that had flooded through me as I pinned Josh against the barn wall, intent on claiming him as mine. We’d both been desperate and fumbling—drawn to each other by circumstances neither one of us had ever anticipated. While the emotions I felt then were different, they were just as intense as the ones I felt now, prompting more tears. I realized we’d come full circle in a way. We had a lot farther to go, but that moment was the beginning of a new chapter of my life.

I ended the kiss and rested my head against his shoulder, breathing in the heady combination of onion, garlic, and barn. It was plain Josh hadn’t showered after his late afternoon lessons. I know it’s a combination most people would wrinkle their nose at, but to me, it smelled like home. I felt as close as two humans could get without making love as the pressure of Josh’s arms drew me close to his chest.

The moment was interrupted when my stomach gurgled loudly. Josh’s body shook with laughter. “Hungry?”

“Apparently.”

“There’s plenty of leftovers. When was the last time you ate?”

I shrugged. “Breakfast.”

Josh raised an eyebrow.

“Yesterday,” I mumbled.

He rolled his eyes and squeezed my arm before turning toward the counter. “Have a seat. It’ll just take minute to heat everything.”

I headed toward the table as Allanah and Liam emerged from the living room. She met me halfway in a crushing embrace. “Welcome back, love. It’s about bloody time!”

I sat down, making eye contact with my frowning cousin.

“Next time give us a little warning. I don’t ever want to hear that you’re missing again.”

“Sorry. I just—”

“Yeah, I know you ‘just’. Seriously. Don’t do it again. And if you do, at least send me a text.”

I nodded. “Yeah. OK.”

“Or how about never running away again?” Josh placed a plate of meatloaf and macaroni and cheese in front of me.

“You made my favorite.” I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “But you didn’t know I was coming back today. Did Eddie call you?”

He shook his head.

“He’s been making yer favorites all week, love.”

“I didn’t know when you’d be coming back. Every day, I hoped to see you walk through that door. I wanted to be ready.”

I clenched my jaw as I held back my emotions. Just when I thought I couldn’t love Josh anymore, he did something like this. I know it wasn’t a huge thing, but there were so many little ways Josh took care of me. It showed me how much he really cared.

I ate a full meal; the first I’d eaten in recent memory. While some questions had been answered, a lot more remained. But for the first time in a long time, I felt ready to face those answers.

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to Parker Owens for stepping in to edit this chapter.  You are awesome, Parker!  This chapter would not be nearly as strong without Cole Matthews' suggestions and input.  I'm so lucky to have such an amazing team. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts about this chapter.  It's been a long time coming, but Josh and Galen have made the first step toward their future.  What do you think that future will bring?  We're approaching the end of the story for now.  Two more chapters and I will be changing the story's status to "complete".  Thanks to all who read, comment, and support this story.  It means the world to me.