The Acquittal - 8. Chapter 8

Brian parked his car on the far side of the parking lot of The Steel Door, an old bar just on the far side of his hometown. As he looked over the old building he shook his head in amazement that the place looked the same as it has since he lived here so many years ago. He’d been driving for over an hour to get there from his home in Pittsburgh after finishing looking over the silibus in the European history class he was teaching for the new semester starting in a week. He was tired and, as one of his ex-boyfriends once quipped, “The kind of mood where he just wanted some time to relax and if denied he tended to be rather catty and ill tempered despite his cute little smile." What did that guy know anyway? He barely qualified as a good fuck and only ever wanted to play video games naked. But he did look good naked…

When Troy called him and insisted he come he reluctantly agreed. He didn’t know why it was so important or why it couldn’t be discussed over the phone. He suspected Troy was hoping to have a little reunion on account of David being in the hospital. He almost wanted to say no and forget it but if it was about David, he didn’t want to disappoint him. After all, David was pretty much the only family he had left in this town.

As he got out, he looked around the lot scanning the cars. He knew Troy’s minivan and saw it near the front of the building. He kind of remembered what Andy’s truck looked like but it was kind of vague in his mind. A small feeling of resentment creeped up inside him. Thirty-one years old and he’s still being ordered around by Troy like some little kid. If it wasn’t so pathetic he’d laugh. Andy was supposed to be here to according to rumor. Brian hadn’t seen him his last visit here a week ago when he came by to see David, in the hospital but he didn’t stop to see him. If anyone asked why he didn’t bother to go see his old best friend he would have been hard pressed to come up with a plausible excuse. Or any excuse for why he hadn’t seen him in over five years.

His friends were somewhat angry that he never told them he was gay, especially Kyle. But they understood why he stayed closeted when they learned of the consequences of his actions. They stuck with him, of course, and Kyle’s father let him know he was always welcome there. But time passes and things change. He hadn’t talked to Kyle in ages it seemed. Everyone lost contact with him. Not that he really wanted to. One minute everything was fine and then it was like a nuclear bomb went off and everything was laying in pieces.

Troy always called, which was both a blessing and a curse at times. Andy... Andy had changed after he retired from the corps. They had stayed in touch through college. He got emails and sometimes pictures when he was deployed in Afghanistan. Over time, the emails became less frequent and he became less communicative. He had almost given up on him when he heard from him six years ago asking him to be his best man when he married Stacy Peterson. He’d accepted despite his initial revulsion of the notion. Some wounds never heal, he supposed. “But, that’s what grad students are for,” he thought to himself with a small grin.

He walked into the bar and immediately felt out of place which only brought a playful smile to his lips. His blonde hair worn short but handsome, blue-gray eyes still danced with a certain mischief within them. His clothes he could tell was probably the most expensive outfit in the room. Expensive shirt with a suede leather jacket and designer jeans showing off his impressive bubble-butt (that’s what his last boyfriend told him at least) and black leather shoes. His eyes darted about the room until he spied a tall brown haired figure with a little more gut than he remembered and a tanned face that looked aged with a few wrinkles but the blue eyes were unmistakable. He smiled as he made his way over only to notice halfway there that he wasn’t alone. His stride slowed to an almost cautious creep. Sitting at the table with him was an all too familiar face. Long blonde hair and emerald green eyes. That he remembered. The rest was all new. He remembered Andy having a very lean body. This person had bulked up quite a bit at some point in his past and it seemed to agree with him well. His arms seemed bigger and they were covered in tattoos from the elbows up which he could easily see with him only wearing a dull green tank top. A matching pair of green shorts and a pair of old shoes was what he had on. But, that was Andy alright. When his head turned slightly, Brian also noted a goatee around his mouth.

He stepped up to them and said in a conspiratorial tone, “I hope you two aren’t scandalized being seen in public with me.”

Troy and Andy looked over at him. Andy broke into a wide smile, a few lines around his mouth and crows feet at the corners of his eyes were visible as he said in a sarcastic tone, “well, hey there, Professor. Fancy meeting you here.”

Brian rolled his eyes and frowned. Andy was going to make this difficult. “I’m no professor. Just another teacher with a class full of morons. I can say that here since I’m pretty sure the morons around here are too dumb to know they’re morons.”

Troy grinned. “Nice to see you too. Thanks for coming.”

“You made it sound like a case of life or death. It’s not Dad, is it?” His eyes filled with concern for a moment as the corners of his mouth dropped.

“Not exactly, no,” Troy said carefully. “I finally heard from Kyle earlier today. He said he’ll be here tomorrow.” He looked at both of them noting the lack of enthusiasm on both of their faces. “Yeah. I know. He’s a fucker.”

“Have you told Jacob yet,” Brian asked.

“No…” Troy muttered into his glass.

“Oh, fucking great,” Brian growled, glaring at him. “You need to tell him. He’s been through enough. The last thing he needs is for...” Brian sputtered suddenly, “that... person to show up at his door. God only knows what’ll happen.”

“Give the kid some credit, Bri,” Andy said in his casual drawl which only made his teeth clench together. “He’s been through worse. Well, yeah, that’s all Kyle.”

“Fucking selfish bastard that he is,” Brian hissed.

“Both of you stop it,” Troy said in a harsh whisper. “That’s half the reason why I asked you both here tonight. Yes, I will tell Jacob, so calm the fuck down, Brian. He’s my brother and I’m not gonna let him be hurt anymore.”

“Remember you said that when Kyle’s here,” Brian said with a pronounced frown.

Troy looked up and motioned to a waitress before he said quietly, “Kyle isn’t entirely at fault. Not saying he’s innocent or anything but he had a reason for what he did.”

“Bullshit,” Andy spat.

“Oh? You know what happened,” Troy asked him.

They stopped talking as the waitress took their orders Brian at first demurred ordering a drink but Troy insisted. Once she was gone Troy looked back at Andy for a response. “No. Jacob would just get pissy and go back to being his old high-school self like he usually did if Kyle’s mentioned.” Troy looked over at Brian.

He shrugged helplessly, “we never discussed it. I had my hands full with his other problem.”

“Before or after you two fucked,” Andy asked casually.

Brian’s eyes narrowed as he stared at Andy. “I don’t recall that being any of your business,” he replied with a little bitterness in his tone.

Troy rolled his eyes and sighed. “Goddamnit, you two.”

“What? We’re still best friends,” Brian said defensively but with a little sarcasm. “We’ve just had a rough patch.”

“For about seven years,” Andy chuckled.

“Well, fix it. I’m tired of walking on eggshells around my friends.” Troy sighed and said bluntly, “I know what happened.”

Andy and Brian blinked and stared up at him. There was a pregnant pause before Brian finally blurted, “Well…..?!”

“Get your drinks first,” Troy said ominously, “you’ll need them.”

“How the hell did you find out,” Andy asked him with a mixture of amusement and curiosity. “The only thing Jacob has never told me about is whatever the hell happened between him and Kyle. I didn’t dare as David.”

“I have my ways,” Troy smirked. “We’ll just say that I payed attention and asked the right questions at the right time.”

“When did you find out,” Brian asked.

“Three years ago or so. I was over at the house visiting with Liz and Chase picking apples. Jacob was having a horrible day. His dad had finally gotten out of prison and was calling him constantly. I was there. I asked and he eventually told me.” The two blonde men exchanged glances as the waitress returned to the table dropping of their drinks before leaving again. The two looked over at Troy as they took their first drinks, waiting. Troy leaned over close to them and muttered softly, “this goes no further. And before I even start, just remember three lives were ruined that night. Not just Jacob, not just David. Not just Kyle.” He sighed, downed his drink and started telling them what he knew.

****

Kyle was feeling energized as he drove into town. He’d finished his midterms of his first year at Dickinson Law School. The part time job at the bookstore kept him a little busy but a scheduling snafu at work left him with this weekend off. He’d been bored all day and most of the night and had a sudden urge to go home. It was a Friday night and he would have all weekend to visit. He had called ahead but it was kind of late and didn’t get an answer. That in itself was kind of odd but he decided not to dwell on it. He wanted to go home and it was a three hour drive so, despite it being almost ten at night, he grabbed a bag, hopped in his car and headed home. Now it was one in the morning and he was slowly making his way through the small town streets until he hit the familiar road that took him home. He smiled as he approached, imagining Jacob’s surprised face when he wakes up and sees him.

The last three years of college hadn’t been easy but they’d made the best of it. Phone calls were mostly what he and Jacob shared. He came home a few weekends in the semester when he didn’t have a lot of studying to do. To be honest, he loved coming home to his father and, in his mind at least, his future husband. He remembered the first time he came home from college and Jacob got so worked up he was laughing, crying and picking him up off the ground. The sex on those reunions had been amazing and had lasted for hours. His father joked a few times he’d need to install shock absorbers onto his bed frame if they weren’t too careful.

As the years went by, they maintained the emotional closeness but the physical distance was difficult. Summers were best when they were all home except for Andy who was usually deployed somewhere around the world. Brian ended up kind of moving into the house a year ago when his family disowned him so he had a place to go when he wasn’t at college. He tended to drift from guy to guy, never really looking to settle down. When Kyle asked him about it once he just shrugged and said he was out to have a good time. Andy’s emails came in and they all seemed determined to maintain contact. It helped a lot during some of those hard days in the first couple years. Now, three years later, things were good.

He had noticed Jacob had started drinking pretty quick when he turned twenty-one. Kyle dismissed it since he’d seen plenty of guys and girls at college do the same thing and was no saint himself. Plus, sometimes when he got really drunk the sex could be pretty intense and it could be a challenge just to keep up with him. Jacob tended to be a tender partner in bed and would bottom or top depending on the mood. When he was drinking he became more aggressive and passionate. His hands would always find a place on Kyle’s body to play with and get him turned on. When he and Jacob were at a club in Pittsburgh last summer, things had gotten wild and by the end of the night Jacob was giving him road head and begging him to pull over and fuck him right there.

He stayed loyal to Jacob the entire time, but he went out of his way to stay in the closet at college. Despite the free atmosphere, he knew very few people and hardly anyone who he would think of as a friend like Troy or Andy. He also didn’t want to get bogged down in guys hitting on him while he had Jacob waiting for him back home. Kyle figured the less he said, the less chance someone would come along and make things difficult for him. He’d made a new friend this year named Jason who seemed very interested in him. Jason would always find some excuse to spend time with him and even follow him around campus just to talk. Kyle disliked giving him the appearance that he was leading him on so he kept the friendship as just that and never allowed Jason to cross any lines. If he wasn’t an inherently sweet person just from his personality, Kyle would have put his foot down but he didn’t want to seem rude.

He pulled up to the house noticing all the lights were out. He thought he saw maybe a small light on in the kitchen through the window in the back door. His dad’s SUV and the ancient Ranger were parked where they always were. Quietly getting out of the car, he grabbed his bag of books and silently proceeded into the house. He shut the door behind him carefully, not wanting to wake anyone up as he made his way through the kitchen and down the hall to the stairs leading up.

As he made his way up the stairs, he heard an odd noise which made him freeze. It sounded like a voice. He took a couple more steps and could hear it a little clearer. There was only one closed door in the hallway, his father’s bedroom door. He heard the noise again. Like a grunting sound. He tiptoed closer to the closed door and could hear movement. A lot of movement. Followed by another grunt and other noises. His eyes widened as he suddenly realized what he was hearing. His dad was having sex with someone! He put his hand to his mouth to muffle a sudden giggle. In all his years he had never heard his dad having sex. He had never once brought anyone home. He never even mentioned a girlfriend to him, though he had expressed certain tastes in women in the past. Kyle had never really bothered to ask his dad because, really, who asks their parent about their sex life? Yet, here it was and Kyle couldn’t help but feel happy and a little proud of his dad. Maybe hearing him and Jacob going at it finally convinced him to find someone of his own.

He softly moved away from the door and headed to his room. The room was empty, the bed was unmade proving that Jacob had been sleeping in his bed while he was at college. Jacob had mentioned it to him before, saying he always slept better in his room knowing it was his. He expected the other three bedrooms to be empty as well. Jacob was probably out drinking again since it was a Friday night and he didn’t want to interrupt his dad so he slowly headed back downstairs to the living room. Maybe if he was careful he could watch something on the television to pass the time before Jacob came home. When he walked into the living room he noticed there were a few discarded clothes and a lot of empty beer and whiskey bottles. Right away he found that odd. His dad was always a stickler for keeping the house clean. How did he let things get this messy?

No way was he going to clean up the mess and make any noise to break up his dad’s fun. He settled onto the loveseat and turned on a small light nearby. Pulling out a book to read for his studies, he decided the TV was too big of a risk so it was best to stay quiet. As he sat there reading his eyes would occasionally be drawn to the mess in the room. Something felt off. If Jacob was at the bar, how did he get there if both vehicles were parked outside? The question seemed to bounce back and forth inside his mind. A peculiar sense of unease started to pervade him the longer he sat there. His home suddenly didn’t feel like it used to.

In one of his classes, they had a retired detective lecture for a day talking about how he would identify items at a crime scene that were out of place. His eyes looked around the room, counting bottles. Twelve beer bottles, three whiskey bottles, one only half empty. Unless his dad’s habits have changed, they’re all recent. Which means a lot of alcohol was drank here. No way his dad could drink all of that. Dad and Jacob? Maybe. Then there were the clothes. A shirt. Two shirts. A pair of shorts. Socks and boots. Kyle put the book away. Those were Jacob’s boots. The ones he always wears. He just bought them four months ago when Kyle was home on summer break. He was so proud he had worked towards getting his carpentry certification. In a year or two he could be doing contract work and setting his own hours and making good money. They had talked about him building a house for the two of them after he got out of law school and found a place to work. There was no way Jacob would have gone anywhere without wearing those.

Kyle felt a chill slowly creep into him. He strained his ears to detect any noises but he heard nothing. Whatever had been going on in his dad’s bedroom, it was over now. Maybe his dad wasn’t here? Maybe he went out with a friend? If that was true, then Jacob would be in his dad’s bedroom and the noise he heard was Jacob having sex with someone else. His heart started to pound a little in his chest and a sudden urge to run started to grow in his mind. Run, out of the house, get back in his car and head back to school and pretend he was never here. But despite that urge he couldn’t get his body to move. He just sat there, listening to his heartbeat. Listening for anything. Jacob bursting through the backdoor, barefoot from being out in the groves all night long. Anything other than what he suspected is going on.

He realized he had a way to confirm his suspicions. All he had to do was will himself to go back up the stairs and open the door. His father, in his entire life, never locked his bedroom door. There’s no reason it would be locked now. They weren’t expecting him home. He had a sudden fit of hysterical laughter and he covered his mouth with his hand as he squeezed his eyes shut. If they had answered the phone when he called, would they have done this? He got himself under control as soon as he could but the laughter gave way to tears. What has been happening here while he’s gone? Was it all just some huge ruse? When he left for college, Jacob and his dad had a lot of time alone together. Yeah, dad can say he’s like another son to him but, really? His mind whirled with all the possibilities, each one worse than the last. All of his answers were upstairs in that room.

Yet, he couldn’t move. He felt paralyzed. Trapped. The chill inside him spread. All the dreams and hopes he had for the future, a future with Jacob were turning into ice in his mind. Fragile, thin wafers of ice. Each moment he felt one slip and fall, shattering into nothing. He felt like screaming but he couldn’t scream. Yet he was screaming. In his mind, he could hear himself screaming in anger and despair. His eyes darted around the room, trying to ignore all of the damning evidence surrounding him. He saw the clock on the wall. Three a.m. How did the time pass so fast!? It seemed like he had only just sat down a few minutes ago! He didn’t remember closing his eyes or moving.

He knew he should leave. There wasn’t anything left here for him. It was all a lie. His arms were getting numb. He wasn’t sitting on them. They were just hanging there like two slabs of meat with no feeling or sensation. His heart wasn’t pounding anymore. He felt like that was an achievement at least but his breath was coming in gasps. Nothing in his past was anything like he was going through in that moment. It was as if he was no longer in control of his body and it terrified him. He wanted to scream for help but the idea of making any noise scared him just as much. He sat there awhile longer, wondering where he lost his train of thought. He had been thinking about something but now he couldn’t remember. A decision he had to make? Yes. That’s what it was. What was it about? His eyes went over the room again and saw the shoes. Yes. That choice.

Kyle sat there. Going over old memories in his mind. Swimming. Birthday parties. School with his friends. Recess. His father’s hand. Telling Troy he was gay. Andy and Brian’s wild antics. His first kiss. His face never moved. He barely blinked. He was vaguely aware of the fact that the room was brightening slowly. He looked at the clock. Almost 6 a.m. His arms felt less like slabs of meat and more like lead weights. A part of him felt he wasn’t wanted anymore. He failed Jacob. He couldn’t be the man Jacob needed him to be. He couldn’t wait around any longer for him to finally have time for him. So, it seems like he found the next best thing. He should go.

No... He had to know. Slowly, with more effort than he expected, his heavy body started to rise to his feet. He stood there for a moment to make sure he wouldn’t fall before he took the first tentative step. It was successful. Nothing broke. He can do this. He has to. He started taking more steps. Slowly moving. His body felt like it belonged to someone else. Like he was a foreign object stuck inside a mass of flesh and he was just now learning how to operate it. A tremble passed through his body as he reached the stairway.

Putting one foot on the bottom stair he stopped. Closing his eyes, he took a few deep breath to find some calm place inside him. He had to do this. He didn’t want to but he knew it would be best to just deal with it. Just as he got ready to take another step, he heard a door open upstairs which caused his body to freeze up again. He looked up, his eyes wide. Begging, praying for this to just be a nightmare. He heard a single set of feet moving softly towards the stairs. They were uneven steps. Stumbling a little. His hands shook slightly as he stood there waiting.

The chill he felt earlier returned when he saw his father’s face at the top of the stairs. Wearing just a pair of worn shorts, he reached for the hand railing and had just grasped it when he looked down and saw Kyle standing there. His face blanched and his eyes widened. He stood as frozen in place as his son was. Kyle spoke with a soft casual air that amazed himself, “Hi. Did you sleep well?”

“K,Kyle,” the man at the top of the stairs sputtered, “what? When did you get here?”

“Last night,” the coolness of his words felt so unreal but it kept him from screaming or yelling or blacking out again if that’s what happened earlier. “I called. But no one answered. And when I got here, you seemed to be...” he paused for a moment and a little more ice crept into his voice, “busy.”

“Kyle...” his father started to say something but was cut off.

“Where is Jacob, dad,” he asked.

His father stood there, looking ashen and ashamed. “Son-”

“No!” The word cracked like a whip, bouncing off the narrow walls of the stairway as a cold fire began to burn inside him. “Where is he?”

“He’s still...” he stopped, looking uncertain and lost.

Kyle found new strength in the anger that was building up inside him. His legs propelled him up the stairs, his eyes on his dad until he was at the top and moving past him towards his bedroom door. He had closed it behind him but it didn’t matter. He heard his dad asking him to wait but he ignored him. His hand grasped the doorknob and turned it. The door swung open and he looked inside. There, laying on the bed, his father’s bed, sleeping peacefully on his stomach with he arms and legs spread out like always, was Jacob. He thought the anger he felt inside him a moment ago would have been a bulwark but he hadn’t expected the pain to feel so strong and so sharp.

As he stood there looking, he could hear, in his mind, every time Jacob told him he loved him. Every time Jacob made him feel loved. In ways he never could have imagined or hoped. And here he was. In someone else’s bed. There was no telling how many times this had happened. Obviously it wasn’t the first with how well they performed last night. This probably started after he left years ago and they’ve just been humoring him. Doesn’t matter anymore. The pain should have been overwhelming but he found instead that it was small and sharp. Like a scalpel slowly cutting into him, removing bits and pieces and leaving others behind intact. Even still, he knew the agony would be overwhelming soon. He had to leave.

He turned and was amazed that his father, this person he knew, was still standing there. It doesn’t matter. He’s leaving. He moved to the stairs and past him down to the living room to get his bag. He heard footsteps behind him. He heard words but the roar of all the words said to him, all the lies said to him, drowned everything else out. As he grabbed his bag he felt a hand on his shoulder but he shrugged out of it and kept moving.

“Kyle, wait. Please. This was a mistake.”

Those words cut through the roar in his ears as he stopped at the back door and looked back at his father with a cold glare, “yeah. It was a mistake. I should never have come back home. Don’t worry. You’ll never have to worry about covering any of it up ever again.” He opened the door and headed out to his car.

“Please! Please, Kyle, listen to me!” There was a naked, desperate plea in his voice and he almost did stop but he knew he couldn’t turn around. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to stay on his feet. He would have to deal with this ugly, horrible truth. His father, the man he trusted more than anyone else in the world, who taught him right from wrong and who told him every day how much he loved him and was proud of him, took his entire future and burned it to the ground. He can’t look at that face ever again. He couldn’t come back here anymore. He had no home.

“I have nothing more to say to you. You can keep him. I don’t give a fuck what happens to either of you anymore!” The words and his throat were raw with rage and pain, tears stung his eyes but he would be damned before he showed either of them any hint of the pain they have caused him. They can sit and wonder for all he cared.

“Oh, God, son, please. Don’t leave.” He tried to reach out to Kyle again and grabbed his arm to try and stop him.

Kyle never remembered balling his hand into a fist or turning around. Fury exploded in his head and everything turned into a red haze when his entire body seemed to swing and he felt his fist connect with something. When his vision cleared, his father was on the ground looking up at him pitifully. Tears were coming down his cheeks and there was a red spot on one of the cheeks where it looked like he had just been punched. Kyle jumped into his car, throwing the bag into the backseat and starting it up. He pulled out of the gravel driveway as fast as he could and shot down the road. His mind was blank as he navigated his way back to his dorm. The longer he drove the farther away from the pain he got. But in its place was nothing. There was no more future for him anymore. No more plans. All of it was gone now. The road ahead of him was empty.

He drove about forty miles before he had to stop and pull over at a small state park off of the highway. As soon as his car was parked and the engine was off, he got out of the car and stumbled onto a wooded path. He had to find a safe place. He used to have one but it was gone now. His stomach was rioting and within ten feet of being on the path he fell to his knees and vomited up everything inside him. He hung suspended there as his stomach lurched and churned as if it was trying to remove the last twelve hours of his life from him.

His body slowly eased. The lurching in his stomach had stopped and he could breathe again. He stayed there on his hands and knees, staring at the bile under him as the thoughts in his mind came into sharp, cruel focus. He no longer had a home or a family or a lover. In one moment it had all been wiped out. How or why no longer mattered. All that mattered was that he was alone now in the world. He couldn’t call on Troy or Brian to save him. They had their own lives. He couldn’t expect them to drop everything and run to his side. He hadn’t heard from Andy in months. For all he knew, he could be dead right now.

A primal scream filled with hate, rage and pain filled the morning air, echoing around him. He screamed again as the pain returned threefold and he fell backwards onto the ground covered by dead leaves and sticks. He lay there on the ground as horrible cries erupted from his chest. Tears ran unchecked down his face. He cried unable to stop as an uncaring sun slowly rose over him. He curled up onto his side as his strength gave out and all he could do was shake and whimper. His eyes had dried up and the crisp autumn air cooled his fevered skin. He wanted to stay here and wait to die. He wished he could. He wished he could understand how it all fell apart.

Why hadn’t he seen this coming? Why didn’t Jacob love him anymore? He couldn’t understand. He wanted so desperately to understand. His mind kept trying to solve the puzzle but the pieces were missing and he couldn’t go back. He couldn’t survive that. He needed to bury himself away and forget about raven haired boys with ice blue eyes. He had to forget a father he had looked up to all his life. Friends who he had shared a life with now gone. He couldn’t go back to them even if he wanted to. He can’t go back to that place where there would be nothing but pain and misery waiting for him.

He had to forget. Put it behind him. Bury all of it deep down. He had to deny their existence. He had to survive this. He would survive this. He had one goal in his life left. One thing they could not rip away from him like all the other dreams he had held so closely to his heart. He would see this one dream through to the end and would make a new life out of it. He’ll go back to college and finish what he started there. He was free now to do so. There wouldn’t be any more nagging phone calls from home to deal with. He’ll change his number first thing Monday morning. No one not at the school needs to know it. That will release him from his past. He’ll go to his dorm and throw away all the pictures and notes. He’ll erase all the emails. No, better, he’ll get a new email address and just close out the old one. Let it all just go. Destroy his past and never give it the satisfaction of being able to haunt him again. Troy and the others may be persistent but turn a cold shoulder to them enough times and they will get the message. There is no more team. He can’t talk about them anymore. He needs to erase it all from the present. He can do this. It’s the only way he’s going to survive. Thinking about one of them will just bring all of it back into sharp focus again. He can’t live with this pain. He has to leave all of them behind and go on alone.

Slowly, he rose to his feet, brushing himself off carefully. His immediate needs were to get something to drink. He felt slightly dehydrated and he hadn’t bothered to get anything to drink while he was… away from school. He’ll need to stop somewhere and get a bottle of water. It might take him a few extra hours but he’s going to take his time getting back and make sure he’s prepared to do this. By the time he returns to his dorm he will be a new person and he will just have to take care of himself from now on. Before he got back to his car, the cellphone in his pocket rang. He pulled it out and looked at it dispassionately. The caller I.D. listed the call as being from someone called “Dad.” He stared at the phone for a moment, turning it over in his hand. He contemplated accepting the call but then had a better idea. He took the phone in both hands and twisted and pulled it until it broke. Once that was done, he casually let the pieces fall onto the asphalt. The decision made, he walked carefully back to his car and drove away. Swearing he would never travel on this road ever again in his life.

****

Stephanie had a half-full glass of wine in her hand as she stared at Kyle with a stone-faced expression. “You made that up,” she said flatly.

Kyle shook his head, leaning back as he stared at his own wine glass. “I wish I was.” It had taken the better part of a bottle of wine for Stephanie to finally get him to talk. Once he did, it became a flood of words and tears as Kyle finally told her about that fateful night at his father’s house.

She took a sip of the wine from her glass, keeping her eyes focused on him. They had been sitting on the sofa together after putting Matt to bed. Each of them leaning back against one side of the couch facing each other. “Your boyfriend and your dad.” She rolled her eyes, “what, did you trip and fall into some Jerry Springer alternate universe?”

He nodded as he took a sip from his glass, wiping his eyes but a mirthless smirk lifted the corners of his mouth. He had told her everything he knew, omitting what he felt was unimportant. He tried to be as dispassionate as possible but he couldn’t help but remember the old feelings it brought back. He had to stop a couple times to take a breath and try to remember that it was all in the past and not happening now, even if the pain was still there. Not as strong as it used to be but present.

She shook her head as if unconvinced. “I’m finding it really hard to believe, baby-daddy.”

“What, you think I’d make that up?!” He frowned at her. She seemed unmoved when he thought she would have been more understanding.

“Well,” she sat up a little as she worked through his story, “you said you found him in your dad’s bed. But you didn’t say that you actually saw them fucking.”

He sighed in exasperation, “I know what fucking sounds like, Steph. Trust me. He and I had been doing it for years at the point.”

“Ok, I’ll concede that argument.” She tried another tack. “But, why would they do it? I mean, at all? What was their reasoning?”

“I neither know nor care,” he said dismissively.

“I’m calling bullshit on you there,” She declared, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “If you didn’t care you would have gone back later and patched things up even if you knew things were over with you and your ex.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said with a laugh that bordered on manic. “Go back so I can hear more lies. Or worse, they tell me the truth about how they accidentally fell in love while I was gone. I can just picture that pleasant conversation. Me, sitting in a chair across from them while my dad and the love of my life sit there, holding hands while they explain it all to me using simple words like I’m some fucking retarded idiot.”

“Calm down,” She said, raising her voice slightly. She sighed and shook her head. “It’s not like I don’t feel for you, Kyle. I do. I can’t imagine how it would feel if I had been in your shoes. What I do know is that you need to get the answers to your questions. And not the answers you’ve made up in your head.”

He frowned, feeling anger creep into his voice. “What do you mean?”

She rolled her eyes, “Oh, Christ on a stick, Kyle, I know how you can get sometimes. You’ll get yourself worked up especially when you have something happen that comes out of nowhere. You always try and sort out the how’s and why’s without trying to find out the actual how and why because you’re always afraid the truth is far worse than what you manage to spin together and you’re afraid to find out. Don’t give me that look. I saw how things ended with you and Jason. How after he left you just one day decided that he never really loved you and you started making up your own reasons why it never worked.”

Kyle sighed and shook his head. “I’m a big boy, Steph. I can handle the truth.”

“No you can’t when it comes to your heart.” She looked over at him and dared him to lie to her. “Jason left you because he got tired of your sullen attitude you’d get at times. He cared about you and seeing you upset made him want to be there for you but you always pushed him away. After two years of that, he couldn’t take it anymore.”

His eyebrows raised and he asked her in a sarcastic voice, “So, what, you’re suggesting I go back tomorrow, go to my father’s bedside at the hospital and ask him, ‘so, dad, can you tell me exactly why you started fucking my boyfriend?’”

“No,” she said, “you ask the ex. What’s his name, anyway?”

“Unimportant to this conversation,” he said flatly.

She sighed. “You’re impossible sometimes. I find it amazing how you’ve managed to lie to yourself so convincingly for nine years. If you had come to me and told me all those years ago I would have said that it sounds to me like they were drunk. Very drunk. For all you know it was a one time mistake. A big one, granted, but just a mistake.”

“Just a mistake...” he looked away, wanting to find a way out of this situation.

“Kyle, you can’t tell me you don’t care about your dad and expect me to believe it.” She stared at him, impervious to the dark look he gave her. “You’re still his little boy just like that little angel upstairs is yours. How are you gonna teach him right from wrong if you don’t follow it yourself?”

Kyle sighed and stared at his glass. “Steph, really, I wish it was that easy.”

“It is!”

“Steph,” He said in a quieter, melancholy tone, “you have no idea what that did to me inside. I had so many dreams that died that night. I didn’t want to just become a lawyer. I wanted to marry that man. I wanted to build a home with him. Have children with him. I had the road all mapped out in front of me. We were going to have a great life together, me and him. I loved him... So much. And I knew being away at school was hard on both of us. He knew it too. Jason used to hit on me relentlessly then and I did my best to be friendly with him but keep him at a distance to not lead him on because I had a perfect guy who I couldn’t dream of not having in my life.

“And in an instant, it was all gone. All of it. I was left with nothing. No family, no home, no life.” The side of his mouth twitched slightly as he continued, “and my father...?” He looked away, keeping his voice neutral but wasn’t very successful. “He was a giant to me. He was everything I only hoped I could be. Strong, kind, loving. He never once lead me to believe that any dream I had was impossible. And I lost that too. I thought about it, sometimes. When holidays came up or birthdays. I thought about what might be going on there. But I couldn’t deal with the pain of hearing it all over again. And the idea that they were together? I can barely live with the idea in my head. I know I couldn’t survive seeing it with my own eyes.”

She lightened her tone. Seeing the pain in his eyes he was trying to hide. “Kyle, what you described to me anyone else would call ‘a bump in the road.’ Yeah, it felt horrible when it happened, but if you wanted it bad enough you should have fought for it.”

His voice was sullen and quiet. “I couldn’t.”

“Maybe you couldn’t then...” she said. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t try now. You’ve let this fester for too long. You built up a horror story in your head and then convinced yourself that was the best case scenario.”

He glanced up at her, his eyes empty. “I don’t think I can face them.”

“I think you can,” she countered. “I think you can and I think a part of you wants to.”
He remained silent, staring at his wine glass before taking a long drink, replaying that moment over again in his mind. “Stop it,” she said with a slight edge in her voice. “Stop reliving it. That’s what’s kept you from going back all this time.”

“I never told anyone about what happened that night until today. Not even Jason.” He rubbed his eyes and suppressed a sob. “God, I had almost forgotten being in the park and throwing up all over the place. I’d never felt so alone in my life.”

“Kyle… you were never alone.” She watched him carefully as she refilled her glass.

He leaned back on the couch, staring at nothing as he spoke. “Jason and I didn’t work out because I couldn’t trust him the way I used to be able to trust. I wanted to love him. I really did. But, he would say or do something that would remind me…” He sighed. “...and then I would just relive it all over again.”

“This… guy… What’s his name?”

His eyes became a little more alert. He pondered it for a moment before he looked at her and said quietly, “Jacob.”

Stephanie’s eyebrows slowly raised and the corners of her mouth twitched up. “Sounds to me like there’s still a chance. You still love him?”

His voice betrayed a small hint of irritation. “I think you already know the answer to that.”

Her lips parted in a wide grin. “Oh, definitely. But I want to hear you say it. Do you still love Jacob?”

As he heard her repeat the question, his mind suddenly went back and remembered the last time they were laying in bed together before he went back to school. The sad look in his eyes. The words he said then. All those feelings they shared in those quiet moments alone started to bring back a sense of guilt and regret he had forgotten. Over the years, he had forced himself to forget those moments before everything fell apart. “God, help me,” he whimpered. “Yes.”

There was a long moment of silence between them. Stephanie was giving him a moment to collect himself and helpfully refilled his wine glass for him. “Kyle, if that proves anything it’s that you have to go back and settle this.”

He swallowed and nodded his head. “Yeah. But, after so long I doubt much will change. I don’t even know if he’s still there or not.”

“Only one way to find out,” she said with a helpful smile.

“Heh. Yeah.” He stared down at his lap, thinking for a brief moment there was a little hope somewhere inside him.

“I will give you until sometime next week,” she said in a more serious tone. “Then I’m bringing Matt to you. You’ll have to deal with the ramifications of him meeting the rest of his family from there.”

“You sure you can’t keep him any longer,” he asked.

“I can’t and I won’t,” she said firmly. “He should be with you. If anything, having him with you may help smooth things over some.” She had a sudden thought that brought out a brief giggle. “After all, no one can yell or scream at you if you have a little child right next to you.”

A smile crept onto his lips. The idea of showing Matt through the apple orchard and seeing his eyes light up in wonder would be worth having him there with him. “Ok.”

She smiled, taking a small victory from getting him to finally talk about all of this with her at last. “Ok, baby-daddy. Finish your wine and then off to bed.”

He took a drink and tried to relax. Tomorrow was going to be stressful.

****

Brian stepped out of the bar and made his way slowly towards his car. He was still feeling a little shell shocked after Troy had told them what had happened. They had broken up earlier and the others left him behind to have another drink before going home. By the time he left, the sun was already set leaving only the neon signs in the bar’s windows and a couple streetlights to help him make his way. As he walked through the lot, he caught a glimpse of a shadowy figure near his car. He slowed his approach, wary of what to expect.

“Hi.” An all too familiar voice floated through the air and Brian’s lips lifted in a sardonic smirk. He could almost imagine the familiar little smug look on that face.

Brian’s stance eased as he stepped closer. “Hey.”

He could see Andy leaned up against a truck parked next to his car. It hadn’t been there when he arrived. “So... That story he just told us...” his voice was casual but on closer inspection Brian saw a kind of unease in his face he hadn’t seen before.

“Yeah,” he responded. “Pretty fucked up.” This wasn’t about Kyle or Jacob and he knew it. It may have been a few years but he still knew all of Andy’s old tricks they used to play.

Andy nodded slowly, his lips lifting in a small smirk, his green eyes shining in the subdued light. “Hard to top that. I’m surprised Jacob never said anything to you.”

Brian returned his little smirk. “He wasn’t really interested in talking about Kyle when we were together. Plus, he had the other problem.”

Andy nodded again. By his smirk, Brian could tell he was up to something. “Yeah. He’s back up on his feet though.”

“I’m glad.” Brian kept the polite smirk on his face but his eyes remained blank, not letting any emotion show.

“So,” Andy’s smirk faded for a moment and a more serious look came to his face as he asked, “when the two of you were… dating… did you… Oh, I dunno… love him?”

Brian’s eyebrow arched as he took a step towards Andy, his blue eyes laughing at how open he was being. It wasn’t like him to be so obvious. He shrugged slightly and said dismissively, “yes. And no. I loved him like a friend. But not like I have others. Besides, we only lasted a couple months.”

Andy met his eyes, his smirk returning in curiosity, “how come you two broke up?”

He took another step closer, his smile small and coy, “we wanted different things.”

“What did he want?” the amusement in his voice was clear.

Brian laughed at the simple answer, “he wanted Kyle. Used to drink himself to death over him.”

Andy’s eyes locked onto Brian’s. With a softer voice he asked, “and what did you want?”

Brian’s eyes narrowed. He hadn’t seen that coming, but he wasn’t finished yet. “Something I couldn’t have,” he said softly as he took another step closer to him, leaning against the passenger side of his own car as Andy leaned against his truck. Andy broke out into a grin and looked to the side away from him, his chest shaking slightly in a soft laugh. Brian grinned. “What are you giggling about?”

Andy’s face lowered to stare at the ground, still smiling, “just thinking about something.”

Brian casually looking up at the nighttime sky, seemingly unconcerned. “Care to share?”

Andy’s eyes looked up as he replied, “Prom night.”

Brian broke into a soft laugh with him and nodded his head, “A lot happened that night.”

“Yeah. I lost my virginity that night.” his head lifted up again, showing off a handsome smile as his head turned away for a moment. Maybe the lines on his face make him look more handsome now than years ago, Brian thought. And maybe the goatee wasn’t completely horrible.

“What a coincidence. So did I,” Brian smirked and moved closer again. They were close enough now to touch each other if they wanted.

“Is that a fact? That’s odd.” He gave Brian an innocent smile, coupled with his green eyes dancing in the reflected light from the bar’s neon signs.

Brian shook his head slowly in remembered surprise. “Sure didn’t see that coming.”

“I bet he didn’t either.”

It was Brian’s turn to look away from Andy, trying to craft the question the best way he could. “Do you think about that night often?”

Andy grinned, “I guess it depends on what you call often.”

Brian shrugged. “Once a year?”

There was a pause as Andy looked at him with a seriousness Brian couldn’t remember seeing on his face before. His green eyes looking more intense than ever as he said in a quiet voice, “way more than that.”

He wasn’t expecting such a strong answer from him so Brian deflected with a small smirk, “must have been a special moment for you.”

Andy nodded, “one of my top five best moments of my life.”

Brian managed a small laugh, looking down at the ground between them to avert his eyes. “Wow. They made a good impression then.”

He nodded in agreement, sighing wistfully, “yup. Not everyone can say the first sex they had was with someone they loved. I mean really loved. I remember saying it over and over…”

Brian’s tone turned melancholy as he responded, “I bet they loved you just as much.”

“Think so?”

He nodded his head. “I’m sure of it.”

“You’re probably right.” Andy sighed and said, “pretty sure I fucked it up, though.”

His head tilted slightly, curious. “What makes you say that?”

Andy shrugged, “I kind of freaked out. Ran away. Then I got drunk one night and knocked up that slut Stacy Peterson.”

Brian nodded. “And you married her. You looked very dashing in your dress uniform that day.”

His smile was flat as he responded. “Thanks. I like to think I put on a good show. Just did what I thought I had to do.”

“You had a good best man…” Brian offered with a small grin.

Andy’s eyebrows raised and he emphasized, “I had the best best man.” He moved about a half-step closer to Brian.

Brian couldn’t stop his cheeks from reddening slightly. “Thanks. I’m sure if your special someone was there, they tried to be happy for you even if they might’ve been dying inside.”

Andy grimaced slightly and nodded. “Yeah. I felt bad about that. I remember the entire time thinking how someone else should’ve been standing there instead of her.”

Brian’s voice was a near whisper when he replied, “you probably weren’t the only one thinking that.”

“Well,” Andy pointed out, “I’m not married anymore…”

“True.” Brian took another step towards him. Andy didn’t move back or show any discomfort. They were only inches apart now.

As if to suddenly change the subject, Andy’s asked in a casual voice, “Hey, you were here last week. Why didn’t you drop by?”

He shrugged helplessly, “I wasn’t sure you had time for me. You have two boys to take care of on your own.”

Andy frowned, looking slightly hurt. His voice a gentle admonishment. “You know I’d make time for you.”

He smiled, feeling a stinging in his eyes. His voice unconsciously became quieter. “I’ll remember that next time.”

Andy shrugged and closed a little more distance between them. “What about now? You staying or driving all the way back home tonight?”

Brian was a little surprised but kept his voice measured and calm, “I... didn’t think about it, to be honest.”

“Well,” he said helpfully, “if you’re just coming back tomorrow you may as well stay here tonight.”

Brian nodded in agreement, “I could. But I don’t think staying at the house with Jacob tonight would be a good idea. And Troy’s couch sucks and his kids are up at the buttcrack of dawn.”

Andy’s voice quieted and Brian could almost detect a hint of huskiness in it. “I could put you up for the night.”

That was a statement Brian wasn’t expecting. There was a pregnant pause between them as he figured out what to say next. “I... didn’t know you had a spare room.”

Andy’s smug half-smirk re-appeared as he said, “I don’t but you could just bunk with me in my room. Like we did when we were kids staying the night at each others’ house.”

Brian blinked and his eyes widened a little at the unexpected proposition. “That.. would be nice..” As calm as he appeared from years of practice hiding his emotions in difficult moments, inside he was feeling a mixture of panic, joy and fear.

“So?” Andy’s green eyes were laughing.

“One problem.” Brian stated in a sober voice but with blue eyes sparkling.

Andy frowned suddenly, not understanding. “What’s that?”

Brian gave him a coy smirk and said in a near sultry whisper, “I didn’t bring any pajamas.”

Andy grinned again and matched his quiet tone, “I don’t wear pajamas so you won’t stick out.”

Brian whispered, “you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

Brian moved closer to him, not breaking eyes contact. “What if I snore?”

“I’ll deal with it.”

“What if the kids barge in in the middle of the night?”

“I got a lock on the door.”

Brian moved close enough their noses nearly touched. “You sure?”

Andy’s voice took on a more breathy tone. “More than anything.”

“Even if i hog the bed,” He grinned impishly.

“You’re small. I can lay on top of you if I have to.”

“Well.. I guess we should go then.”

“Bri?”

“Andy?”

“I really have missed you.”

Brian was going to say something but couldn’t when Andy’s lips were pressed against his. By the time he felt those muscled arms wrapping around him and his tongue probing into his mouth he had forgotten what it was he was going to say anyway.