The Acquittal - 25. Chapter 24

It was just past eight o’clock at night as Kyle pulled up outside his townhouse but the sun had set hours before. It’s departure had gone unnoticed as the sky had remained overcast the entire day while they made the long trek back to Harrisburg. Kyle had only just put the car in park before Jacob leapt out of the passenger side door and hurried to get Matt out of his car seat in the back. Kyle cast him an annoyed look as he shut the engine off and slowly climbed out of his side, popping the trunk to retrieve their packages and bags.

Jacob had a barely awake Matthew in his arms before closing the doors on his side of the car and coming around towards the back. “Think you can get all that in one trip, dear,” he asked Kyle with a smile.

Kyle gave him an exasperated look. “You are like twice my size and I know for a fact you bench press twice what I do but you want me to bring it all in in one trip?”

“I have our boy,” he replied simply with a playful innocence that was obviously forced.

This had been their playful argument their entire drive back from their dad’s house. It had been Kyle’s first Christmas back home in years and Matthew’s very first. Both of them had been showered with gifts and had more fun than Kyle could remember. The only sad part was seeing his father’s face when it was time to go. He looked sad that the day was over and he was going to be alone for the next two months.

“Hey,” Kyle had said to his father before they left, “I’m only a phone call away. And, it wouldn’t hurt anyone if you wanted to come visit for a weekend or so.”

David smiled sadly and nodded. “I know. I just keep reminding myself you’ll all be back in the Spring. And for good, come July. I guess I’m just selfish wanting my baby boy here instead of doing his job.”

“You know if you need anything, just call Troy or Andy and they’ll come running.” He gave his dad a warm hug. “I love you.”

“Always and forever,” David replied softly. “Go. Get your boys home safely. Call me when you get there.”

Kyle and Jacob had playful banter back and forth through most of their trip. Jacob had started it when he saw the melancholy look on Kyle’s face as they left town. He needed to be cheered up so he kept Kyle’s mind occupied discussing how they were going to get four bags full of toys, clothes and other gifts in the house along with Matthew. Now, they were back in Harrisburg for the winter so Kyle could go back to his job.

“He can walk on his own, you know,” Kyle said with a half smirk as he started pulling bags out of the trunk.

“Oh, I disagree,” his lover said solemnly. “He may fall and hurt himself. Plus, he’s not fully awake. It’s best if I just carry him in.” He took one last look at Kyle’s amused face before saying, “well, I guess I’ll see you inside.” He walked around Kyle and headed up the walkway to the door.

“You’d think with all that muscle,” he muttered as he slammed the trunk shut and started to follow after him, “you could at least carry some of this.”

“I’d be happy to trade places with you dear,” he said as he looked over his shoulder. “Next time, you can have the muscle and I’ll be the pudgy one.”

Kyle voice rang loud and clear as he struggled through the snow to the door, “I am not pudgy!”

“No, you’re not but you act like it,” he replied with a little more seriousness. As they both got up to the door, Jacob looked at him with a softer smile and assured him, “doesn’t matter what you look like, you’re always going to be the sexiest man in the room to me.”

“Nice save.” Kyle waited for Jacob to unlock and open the door before managing to get in and dump the bags on the floor next to the door. “I guess if I really wanted to I could start back at the gym after this is all over.”

“Yeah, you could,” Jacob agreed. “Right now, let’s get stuff put up, get Matt cleaned up so he can sleep in a real bed and then we can relax.” Kyle gave him a small peck on the cheek before heading up to the bedroom (not their bedroom because they only had one bedroom and that was back at home. This was just a place they were staying for now.) He put their stuff away and called his father while Jacob set to the task of getting Matt bathed and then put in bed. Twenty minutes later, they had their son peacefully asleep and were both cleaned up and dressed in shorts and t-shirts before lounging together on the couch, watching a show before bed. Jacob’s hand was on Kyle’s stomach under his shirt.

“I miss having those abs,” Kyle muttered quietly as they laid there.

“Dammit. That’s a mental image I could go without right now,” Jacob growled.

“Why not,” he looked over at him with a smirk.

“You know why,” he said with a playful frown. “I have my appointment at the fertility clinic on Thursday and I can’t have any kind of sex until then.”

“Poor thing,” he said with little sympathy, having gone through a similar experience years ago. “But what’s that got to do with my abs?”

Jacob made a slightly bashful face as he explained. “That was… my go to image when I was laying in bed at home.”

Kyle gave him a surprised look. “Can you explain that a little clearer for me?”

He turned his head, looking away and trying not to smile. “The first time I saw you in your speedo back in high school. That was a... mental image I held onto for a long time before we actually…”

“Are you telling me,” Kyle said, flabbergasted, “that you used to jack off to me in my speedo?!”

“Only while we were in high school…” he said defensively. “Well… maybe a few times while you were away at college. And… after that. Maybe… a couple times a month since then.”

“It’s a shame you have to wait until Thursday then,” Kyle said with an arched eyebrow. “That’s kind of pervy but sweet at the same time.”

“Oh, please,” Jacob rolled his eyes. “You mean to tell me you never imagined things about me back then?”

Kyle’s lips twitched. A silence settling between them as they locked eyes. “This isn’t about me…” They stared at each other for a moment before they both broke into laughter. “Okay, okay. Yes, I used to. And I remember finding any excuse I could to touch your arms. Or sneak glances any chance I got. I used to love it when you wore those sleeveless shirts.”

Jacob pushed him on his back and lifted his shirt to expose his stomach. He ran his hand over the skin and let his fingers slip through the trail of hair down the middle going into his shorts before leaning down and kissing his stomach tenderly. “Well, we don’t need to do that anymore. Thank God.” He looked up into Kyle’s eyes. “And before you think this might be headed somewhere, if I can’t get off until Thursday, you can’t either.”

Kyle chortled and sighed. “I guess that’s only fair. But, once I’m home from work on Thursday…” he let the look in his eyes finish his statement.

“I think maybe Steph should spend some time with Matt that evening.” They grinned and nodded in agreement. “We should start thinking about an invitation list to, you know,” Jacob said, changing topics as he moved up Kyle’s body, sliding in behind him as they both turned on their sides.

“Yeah. I can put something together while I’m at work tomorrow,” he said.

“I’ll jot down some names tomorrow while Matt’s napping. How’s everything going with your case?” He brushed his nose against Kyle’s hair and breathed in his scent. After all these years, it still only took being able to smell his lover to relax him.

He shrugged. “Pretrial motions start this week going on for a couple months before we finally start jury selection in February. Maybe I can get a verdict by June.”

“Sounds hopeful,” Jacob said as he wrapped an arm around him.

“We’ll see,” Kyle said absently. “I really wanna nail this guy. Wish I could find something to slam dunk this so I can get him to take a plea bargain instead of going to trial. Could be done by end of January if I could do that.”

“Then we could go home,” his lover whispered in his ear.

“Yeah,” he said with a smile. “Dad misses us. I hated leaving this time. I almost wanted to find an excuse not to leave.”

Jacob had a response in his head but knew it was better to keep it to himself. “Let’s just hope for the best. Remember; July 13th. That’s the day my best friend and the love of my life told me he was going to marry me.”

Kyle turned his head back to kiss him. “And we will. What’re you gonna do with your time here when I’m working?”

“Hah. Draw. Make plans for the wedding. Spend time with Matt. Get this clinic stuff over with and pray I only have to do this once.”

“Sounds like a fun time.” The two of them continued to lay there for a little longer before mutually deciding to head upstairs to bed and hope that the week passes as quickly as their time away did.

****

Brian sat on one side of the sofa with little Blake cuddled against him as they watched the scene from Times Square as the ball began to drop, signalling the end of the year. Andy was sitting at the other end with Tanner half asleep between them. Blake’s shining green eyes seemed to not blink as he watched enraptured by the event and his excitement infected Brian as they excitedly watch the bright shining ball slowly descend downward.

It was at the end that Blake finally couldn’t contain himself anymore as he burst out gleefully, “THREE….TWOOOO…..ONE…! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!”

Brian laughed and gave him a big hug. “Happy New Year, my little copper-top.”

Blake wiggled around on Brian’s lap and threw his arms around the blonde man’s neck and hugged him tight, giving him a little peck on the cheek. “I love you, Brian.”

Brian never got tired of hearing him say that. “I love you too.” He glanced out the corner of his eye to see Andy sitting there with a slight smirk on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He’d been different the last few weeks since they moved in. Brian couldn’t put his finger on exactly why but he had suspicions.

“Ok, boys,” Andy piped up. “Party is over so it’s time to get to bed.”

Blake’s face fell in disappointment but he didn’t complain. “Will you come tuck me in, Brian?”

Brian was suddenly unsure as he looked over at Andy. “If it’s okay with your Dad, I guess.” Andy looked over at them and shrugged indifferently saying nothing. Brian acted like nothing was wrong as he stood up holding Blake and said, “ok, Copper-Top. Let’s get you tucked in.”

Blake giggled at his nickname and held on as Brian carried him upstairs to his room. Tanner followed behind them and sleepily walked into his room and shut the door behind him, muttering a goodnight. As Brian settled Blake in and pulled the blankets over his little body, the boy looked up at him with curious eyes and said plainly, “Daddy wasn’t happy like we were.”

“So it would seem,” Brian commented evasively.

“He hasn’t laughed or said anything funny in awhile,” the boy pondered. “Why is he sad?”

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” he answered honestly. “But, don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll be back to his normal self soon enough.” He finished fixing the blankets and gave Blake one last kiss on his forehead. “Goodnight, Blake.”

“Goodnight,” the childish voice responded before he closed his eyes. Brian stepped to the door and looked back at him one more time before shutting off the light and closing the door behind him with just a slight crack left to it. Blake didn’t like sleeping in total darkness but didn’t like lights on either. They found that the hall light coming into the room was enough to satisfy his needs.

Brian sighed as his face lost its smile. He had thought everything was going to be fine and whatever funk Andy had gotten himself into would correct itself eventually. He was trying to remember when he noticed the change but it seemed to have been going on for weeks now, maybe three or four days after they moved in. He couldn’t keep pretending anymore that everything was okay. He made his way back down to the living room, only to find Andy sitting where he had been with a beer bottle in his hand. Brian moved around and sat back on the other side of the sofa and sighed, looking over at his best friend. “Well… it’s official now, I guess. I am unemployed as of this moment.”

“You ok with that,” Andy asked without looking over at him.

Brian looked at him for a moment, dropping his casual attitude. “I guess I should ask if you’re ok with it.” Andy shrugged again, seemingly unmoved as he took a drink from his beer. Watching him acting innocent while avoiding contact or even looking at him finally gave Brian the resolve to confront the issue more head on. “Andy, have I done something lately to piss you off?”

Andy frowned slightly, still not looking over at him. “Why do you ask?”

Brian frowned, knowing what he just heard was a deflection. “Don’t do that. Not now. It’s obvious you’re unhappy about something. I thought we were past the point where we had to couch everything in word play. But, if you want, I’m more than happy to accomodate you.”

Andy sighed. “Honestly… If I knew what it was, I’d tell you.”

Brian sighed, exasperated. “Can you at least look at me?” Andy slowly turned towards him, lifting his eyes up to meet Brian’s for a moment before looking back down at his beer. Brian felt an ache start in his chest. “What do you feel when you look at me,” he asked, lowering his voice.

“I still love you, Bri,” he said sullenly.

“But it’s clear I’ve done something to upset you,” he moved a little closer to him on the couch, hoping that maybe if he closed the physical distance between them it may help him open up. “Is it that I left my job? Do I need to go find a new job right away because we’re gonna be in trouble if I don’t?”

Andy shook his head. “No. We’re fine. I’m still working and we’re not in bad shape now and I doubt it’ll be an issue any time soon.”

Brian started to feel desperate. “Please. Tell me what you’re thinking about when you look away from me.”

“It’s stupid,” he muttered into his bottle.

“Not to me!” Brian reached over and grabbed his hand, forcing Andy to look up at him. “The boys know there’s something wrong. I know there’s something wrong. You know there’s something wrong. It’s not stupid and it’s not silly. Just tell me what’s going on and we can work through this.”

Andy pulled his hand away and spat out, “it’s your fucking dad.”

Brian sat back, hurt and shocked at the same time. “What about him?”

“Fucking hell, Bri,” he said with his voice raising slightly. “He spent years being a self-righteous bastard, throwing you out on your ear and you’re just suddenly okay with him again!?”

“Andy…” he tried to sound confident. “It’s not like I don’t remember. I was there when it happened.” He kept his eyes on his lover as he sprung out of his seat.

“He’s full of shit,” Andy growled as he started pacing. “He never liked me. Was always polite but I could tell he thought I wasn’t good enough for you.”

Brian gave him a confused smirk. “He never said that. Trust me, I would’ve known if he didn’t like anyone. And it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.”

“This isn’t about me. This is about you!” He stopped his pacing, looking at Brian with an accusatory stare. “I won’t let him hurt you again.”

Brian blinked in confusion, sitting up a little. “I’m a big boy, Andy. I can take care of myself.”

“You don’t know,” he said, his voice getting louder.

“Calm down,” Brian said, trying to keep things from getting out of control. “If I thought my dad was just saying he was sorry just to make himself feel better I wouldn’t have seen him again.”

“You saw him again!?” Andy took a step towards him, looking shocked and hurt. “Why would you do that? Don’t you get that he’s not interested in making up with you? He just wants to hurt you again!”

Brian stood up, keeping his eyes on Andy. “Andy, I know what I’m doing.”

“I won’t see you hurt,” his voice rising louder.

Brian tried to laugh it off. “I’m not going to get hurt.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me them disowning you didn’t kill you inside.” Andy’s face started to tint slightly pink. “Tell me!”

Brain started getting alarmed by the look in Andy’s eyes. Without thinking he took a cautious step back from him. “Andy? It’s not a big deal. We had lunch a couple times. Nothing big.”

Andy wasn’t bothering to be quiet now. His face was getting redder the louder he got. “By yourself?! Don’t you get it that I love you? That’s it’s my job to protect you from getting hurt?!”

“What is wrong with you? You make it sound like life or death!”

Andy reached out and grabbed Brian’s arms in an iron grip. His voice tight as the veins bulged in his neck. “Goddamnit, Brandon, I don’t want you to lose you!”

Brian paled, suddenly realizing they were having two different arguments. There was a long silence before he said in a quiet voice, “who’s Brandon?”

Andy blinked as if a switch had been flipped, his face started to relax more. “What?”

Brian tried to remain calm. “Andy… you’re hurting me.”

He suddenly released his hold on Brian and took a few steps back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know…”

“I’ll live. Who’s Brandon?” He rubbed his arms, less concerned for himself than for his lover.

“Who?” Andy looked around for his neglected beer bottle. Grabbing it only to find it empty.

Brian’s eyes narrowed. “You called me Brandon.”

“No I didn’t.” Andy walked around into the kitchen, tossing the empty bottle into the trash and going to the fridge to get another one.

Brian was right behind him, feeling equally pissed and worried. “Don’t give me that. What the hell just happened?”

“Forget it,” he replied as he twisted the cap off the beer and took a drink.

“I don’t want to forget it. You’re upset. I want to understand why you’re so angry about my dad wanting to make up with me.”

Andy’s eyes darkened again. “Fucking dick…”

“Me or him?” He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting.

“Bri…” he sighed, not wanting to look over at him.

“Go ahead. Just say what you’re thinking.”

Andy didn’t say a word as he went down the stairs to the lower floor with Brian following. He stopped in the middle of the room and sat down on the floor. Taking another drink of his beer, he sighed again and said, “I’m thinking about our first night together. How much I loved you and wanted to… to show you… God, it was so fucking messed up. I’d been feeling it for years and just pretending it wasn’t there. It didn’t end in the backseat of Troy’s SUV, did it?”

“No,” Brian replied with a soft smile. He sat down on the floor in front of him. “Twice more at your house that night before we got the call from Troy. A few more times over the next week, any time we could be alone and not get caught.”

Andy’s eyes looked haunted as he stared at the nothing on the floor. “Oh fuck. I think we did get caught.”

“What do you mean,” Brian asked.

Andy wiped his face with the back of his hand. “Last time I talked to my dad... “ he swallowed a lump in his throat as his voice became more pained and forced. “He told me… He asked me how you were doing. He said, next time I had leave coming I should go spend time with you. He… he said… ‘I think it would do you both some good.’ I think, that was his way of letting me know he knew about us. About me.” The last statement broke something inside him as tears started to cascade down his face. “Oh, God. I hate myself.”

Brian moved to hold him in his arms. “It’s ok, baby,” he said in a soothing voice. “It’s ok to be angry.”

“I’m such a fucking coward,” he wept. “I never even had the guts to tell my Dad… And now I never can.” Brian held him as he broke down, wishing he could make it all stop. He had no idea what to say or do to help Andy through whatever was going on in his mind. He felt one of Andy’s hands cling to him as he trembled. Brian kept thinking over everything that had come out of his mouth in such a short period. He knew there was some deeper meaning to all of this in Andy’s head. “Why do you still want him around, Brian, just explain to me why?”

Brian felt like he was being torn apart inside, hearing the repressed grief in Andy’s voice. He forced his voice to remain calm and reassuring. “Because he’s my father. He made a mistake and he’s trying to make up for it. I know that is probably hard for you to understand. And you may be right that I may be making a mistake. But it’s my mistake to make.”

Andy shook his head against Brian’s shoulder. “No, it’s not. It’s ours.”

Brian didn’t want to hear that. Mostly because he was right. “I think we should talk about this later, after we get some sleep.”

Andy slowly nodded as they both slowly got to their feet. Brian took the mostly empty beer from his hand to put it back in the kitchen and then shut off the lights that were left on before taking Andy’s hand and leading him up to their bedroom. No words were exchanged as they undressed and climbed into their bed on separate sides. They both lay there quietly for long moments as they both turned and shifted. Brian wasn’t sure what to do or what help he could get for Andy. One thing he knew with certainty was that he was going to need help. Just as he thought he may fall asleep he felt a tentative finger touch his arm and a sad voice whisper in the dark, “please don’t hate me.”

Brian moved over to him and laid his head next to Andy’s. “There is nothing you could ever do or have ever done that would make me ever hate you.”

“When I saw him the other day,” he confessed in a mournful voice, “I almost wanted to kill him for the things he had done to you.”

“I know,” he said softly, trying to calm him. “I’m not gonna lie and say I didn’t think about it for half a moment. We need to give this a chance.”

Andy’s voice was barely audible as he uttered, “I’m so tired…” Brian lay there for a long while looking at Andy’s face. It was so different from the face he had seen months ago when they reconnected. It had been so peaceful then that he could have sworn Andy was smiling in his sleep. Now he looked older and pained. He could almost see the lines of care and worry growing deeper around those eyes and mouth.

It was nearly an hour later when Brian still couldn’t find sleep when he carefully creeped out of bed. Slipping into a pair of shorts, he stepped out of the room and downstairs to find his phone where he had left it in the kitchen. He mentally debated his next move, wondering if he was overreacting or if he should wait until morning. He disliked late night calls, especially after midnight, but he saw no other recourse. He stared at the phone longer than he meant to before he finally sighed and pushed the call button. He sighed as he listened to the ring. He wasn’t sure if he was hoping to get an answer or not.

The phone call eventually connected and there was a pause before he heard Jacob’s sleep muddled voice. “Yeah?”

Brian sighed, gathering his courage. “Hey. It’s me.” He hoped he sounded casual but given his emotional state he wasn’t so sure. “I…”

“Bri,” Jacob sounded more awake now. “What’s up? Shouldn’t you be in bed, Asleep or not?”

“I need some help,” he finally said. “Andy’s… he’s upset about me talking to my dad again and he kind of blew up.”

“Define ‘blew up.’”

Brian grimaced to himself. He could tell Jacob was now fully awake. “He started ranting about our past and… I dunno. Towards the end he started crying and saying how much he hated himself.”

“Okay,” Jacob said with a grunt as if he was moving. “It’ll take me time to get there…”

“Wait, Jacob, no.” This wasn’t the response he was expecting.

“...in the meantime, I want you to call Dad first thing in the morning and talk to him.”

“Wait,” Brian raised his voice slightly to get his attention. “I just called to talk. I just need to talk this out. I don’t want to take you away from Kyle.”

Jacob sounded undeterred. “Bri, Kyle will be ok with it when I tell him what’s going on. Andy sounds like he’s having a bad moment and I think I need to have a long talk with him that I honestly should’ve had a while ago.”

“So, you’re just gonna take off now?!”

“No, I’m going to get another couple hours of sleep before I drive back home which means I probably won’t get there until noon. I’ll explain it to Kyle and probably take Matt with me if he has no objections. Hell, maybe all three of us will come up.”

“Oh, God,” Brian groaned. “This isn’t what I was expecting.”

“Brian, we’re a team,” Jacob said with a tone that let Brian know he likely had one of his annoyingly charming smirks on his face. “If I remember the rules right, if there’s a problem, we fix it together. Remember my intervention? Maybe it’s time Andy gets one too.”

Brian made sure his sarcasm rang loud and clear. “If you weren’t so irritatingly positive, I’d probably thank you and tell you I love the both of you.”

“You’re welcome.” Jacob’s tone seemed at ease. “Now, go get some rest. Call Dad in the morning and make sure the kids are alright. If my guess is right, Andy’s been on a short fuse for a couple days by now so he’ll be exhausted and sleep most of the morning. Let him sleep.”

“Alright,” Brian gave in. “I’m going back to bed now.”

“Just remember, Brian,” he said in a serious tone, “he does love you. He’s just on defense mode right now and sometimes he doesn’t know how to shut it off. Be patient with him.”

“Thanks.” Brian smiled slightly. Hearing it said seemed to lift part of the burden he felt inside him. “I’ll see you soon.”

The call ended, Brian returned to their bedroom. He took a moment to look at Andy’s sleeping face and the lines and the slight frown were still present. Carefully, he slipped back into the bed, hoping to not awaken him but he seemed dead to the world. Reaching his hand over, he laid it on Andy’s chest, feeling the slow rise and fall. He thought maybe just touching him would be enough but the face remained strained. Sighing slightly, he leaned over and kissed Andy’s cheek softly, reminding himself that he promised him that no matter what happened, he wasn’t going to give up on him.

****

An odd sensation woke Andy the next morning. A feeling that something wasn’t quite right. The first thing his senses told him was that the bed was empty. He wasn’t sure how long Brian had been out of the bed but as he slowly opened his eyes they confirmed his suspicions. A deep fatigue set in soon after his eyes opened and they closed again. He may have fallen back asleep but that odd feeling remained even as his eyes opened again. The oddness resolved into an old but familiar feeling that despite what his eyes were telling him he wasn’t alone. He turned his head and nearly jumped out of the bed, muscles tensing as he saw an older man with a graying, closely trimmed beard and expressive brown eyes sitting in a chair next to him. It took him another half second to register that this person wasn’t a threat. It took him another second or so to find his breath to speak. “David. Shit, you nearly scared the piss out of me. What’re you doing here?”

David looked up from his book into his eyes and replied simply, “babysitting.”

Andy looked around the room. “Where are they?”

“Who?”

“The boys.”

“Oh,” David sat up a little. “Brian took them out for breakfast after I got here.”

Andy blinked in confusion. “Thought you were babysitting.”

David looked at him blankly. “I am.”

Andy frowned slightly and sighed. “He told you.”

David met his gaze unwavering. “Not until after he called Jacob.”

Andy groaned and laid back down. “I fucked up.”

“No, you didn’t.” David said gently. “You’re just stressed, is all. You should be proud, marine. You haven’t had an episode in months. Not sure that’s what it was exactly but from what Brian described, that seems to be the case.”

“I didn’t… I just…” Andy sputtered but couldn’t come up with anything. Finally, he sighed and looked away. “Yeah. I did.”

“You’re not broken, Andrew,” David said with fatherly care. “You just had a moment. You let it all get caught up inside you until you finally couldn’t hold back anymore. That happens from time to time.”

“He told you?” He looked over at the caring face, feeling guilt and shame in equal measure.

David nodded. “Seems you’re heaping a lot of blame on his dad for all your ills. Not that I blame you exactly. Harry was a little pompous and his wife was a slut behind his back. He got what he deserved as far as I was concerned for what he did to Brian.”

“It’s not what I meant exactly,” Andy said sullenly as he stared at the empty spot in the bed where Brian should have been. “I just… can’t believe that he would want to trust him again after everything he did.”

“It is amazing, isn’t it,” David commented neutrally. “A son wanting to maybe resolve his differences with his father after a moment that left him hurt for years…”

“It’s not the same,” Andy protested weakly.

“Doesn’t matter,” David shrugged. “The feelings are real. You might not trust him, I might not trust him but Brian wants to try and get his father back. There’s no harm in that. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t. But I know one thing. Either way, he’s going to need you to back him up in whatever decision he makes.”

The guilt started to strengthen in as he thought it all over. “I wish I had an excuse for what I did, David.”

“You have the perfect excuse, son,” he said with a small smile. “You’re human. You make mistakes and that was what it was. You’ll get through this. You’ve been through worse.”

“It’s the worse part that scares me most,” the green eyes darkened slightly and looked down. “I can’t explain how it happens. I just suddenly get wound up so tight I can’t think right. I think it started when I saw him standing there in the doorway.”

“I can understand it to a point,” he said solemnly. “I wish I could help you more but I think it’s to a point now where we might wanna talk about getting professional help.” David frowned slightly when he saw the rebellious look on the younger man’s face. “I’m serious, Andy. I think it’s time we all admit you didn’t come home in one piece. You may have not taken any bullets or lost any limbs but you definitely took some hits where it counts. I want you to get in touch with the VA and I want you to get some help.”

“Like they’ll help me,” he scoffed. “And I do have one bullet wound. I just never talk about it.”

“What? A marine ignoring his injuries? Where is this world headed,” David asked, letting the sarcasm show. “You won’t know if you can be helped unless you try. It’s time you stop ignoring the problem and start getting help for it.” Both of them stopped talking when they heard the front door open and glanced over at the bedroom door. “Looks like my backup is here. I want you to keep what I said in mind. You need help. Get it.” He stood up and began walking to the door before he stopped midway and turned back. “I’ll give you a chance to get dressed. Just remember this. If you’re gonna blame anyone about what you’ve been through, remember that I’m on the list along with Brian’s dad and everyone else. You wouldn’t’ve joined the marines if I hadn’t talked you into it. We both know that. So, if there’s anyone guilty of what you went through, it’s me.” David stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him leaving Andy to his thoughts.

He could hear muffled voices downstairs. Knowing they weren’t going to go away until he appeared, he got out of bed and threw on a pair of pants and a shirt. He ran his fingers through his hair to get rid of some of his bed head before leaving the room and going downstairs. He was a little shocked to see Jacob, Kyle and Troy all sitting around his living room, looking around the place.

Troy was the first to notice him at the bottom of the stairs. “Well, thanks for inviting us over to your new place.”

“Where’s your new baby,” Andy asked as casually as he could manage.

“At home with her mother,” he replied. “It seems we needed to have an emergency team meeting so I got some time away for now. Happy New Year, by the way.”

Kyle and Jacob were sitting together on the sofa, looking over at him with concerned looks. Andy wanted to be resentful of their pitying faces. He didn’t want to feel like the walking wounded. “Should I sit or just stand and wait for the firing squad,” he asked with a little bitterness in his voice.

“There’s no firing squad here Andy,” David said calmly as he came into the room from the kitchen and sat down in the room. “We’re just here to talk this through.”

“Why do we need to talk about it anyway,” he asked in a slightly heated voice.

“Because,” Kyle said gently, looking at him, “if one of us has a problem then we all have a problem. Remember? Come sit down.”

Andy slowly moved around the room and sat down on a spot on the loveseat away from the others. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked from one person to the next as he waited.

Troy frowned slightly at Andy’s body language. “You’re not in trouble. No one here is going to yell at you or cast judgement on you.” He sighed and tried starting again. “We’re worried about you. We care about you. We just wanna know what’s going on inside your head is all. Maybe we can help you.”

“You can’t,” he said sullenly. “It’s just… memories of bad times keep creeping in sometimes when shit happens. Brian’s dad was here and it just pissed me off.”

“Is Brian’s dad a bad memory for you,” David asked. The room was silent for a few moments. “Seriously. What is it about him that got you worked up?”

Andy glanced down at the floor looking uncertain before he muttered, “he hurt Brian. I wasn’t there when he needed me.”

“Because you wanted to protect him,” Kyle stated. “But you couldn’t because you were away. And you feel guilty about that.”

“Close,” Andy sighed, still not ready to look up at his friends. He could feel his resolve slipping. “There’s more to it than that, though.”

“Tell us,” Troy said solicitously.

“I can’t,” he whispered.

“Yeah, you can,” Jacob replied. “Tell us what happened to you when you were away.”

Andy shuddered slightly and shook his head. “No. No, I can’t do that.”

David watched him curiously. “Why not?”

“Because,” he made a pained noise in the back of his throat. “You won’t be able to understand.”

The look in David’s face changed slightly as he just had a sudden insight. “Andy… what’s your count,” he asked in a casual manner.

Troy and the other’s glanced over at David in confusion but his eyes remained fixed on Andy who was shaking his head a little quicker now. “No. No, don’t do that.”

“What’s your count,” he asked a little more insistent.

“Please. Not in front of them.” He bent over, hiding his face in his hands.

“They’re your friends. Your family,” David urged. “They’re not going to judge you. Tell me what your count is?”

“Dad,” Kyle finally asked, “what are you talking about?”

He waved dismissively at his son as he leaned forward in his seat. “Andy, does Brian know,” David asked him softly.

“Oh, God no!” Andy bit his lip. “I can’t. I can’t.”

“Yes, you can, Sergeant,” David said with his voice raised slightly. “Now, tell me what is your count?”

Andy squeezed his eyes shut and said in a small voice, “thirty-seven.”

Everyone else in the room seemed taken aback by Andy’s attitude, not sure what exactly he and David were talking about. David was quiet for a moment and sighed heavily before finally saying, “thirty-seven kills in service to your country isn’t a crime, Andy. You did what you had to do.” The others quickly grasped the significance of that statement.

“I remember,” Andy said, swallowing and still not daring to look at the others, “the first one and how terrified I was. I remember pulling the trigger and then seeing how his body just flailed and fell. With the blood everywhere. I was so sickened by the sight. But… they train you to just focus on your job, so that’s what I did. And I killed again. And again and again and again. And each time, it got just a little easier and a little easier. When I retired and it was all done, I remember seeing myself in the mirror all I could see was a killer. I hated who I saw for everything he did for years. So I grew my hair out and did what I could to forget all about it.”

Kyle stood up and went to go sit next to Andy who flinched when he felt Kyle’s hand on his shoulder. “Look at me,” he said softly to his friend. As Andy worked up the courage to look at him and Kyle smiled a little to reassure him. “Tell us the rest. About Brandon. And the others.”

“The others? How…?” Andy paled slightly.

Kyle shrugged. “I just know. Tell us.”

“I was all alone when I first entered basic,” he said, keeping his eyes on Kyle and trying to ignore everyone else. “I missed my friends. I missed you. In a unit, you start to rely on each other. You have to. We get close. The longer we’re together, the more we’re like family. In some ways it was like… being with you guys again.”

Kyle put his hand in Andy’s and nodded. “Go on. It’ll be ok, I promise.”

The tendons in Andy’s neck seemed to strain slightly as he started to speak again. “Me and about six other guys in my unit got real close, like I said. We had each other’s backs, you know? But, we’re in a war zone and we got a job to do. Then…” Andy whimpered in the back of his throat. “Tim was killed by a roadside bomb. He was a swimmer just like me. Used to talk about it all the time. Then, Mason and Brad were killed. Someone fired a shoulder mounted rocket at their humvee. They were both there wanting to get good paying jobs after they finished their tours.” He bit his lower lip as a tear slid down his cheek. He looked up at Kyle in a silent plea to make it stop.

“And Brandon?” He looked at his friend and held his hands.

“He was…. Blonde. Blue eyes…” Andy choked slightly but it felt like he couldn’t stop himself anymore. “He was… Oh, God…” He he wept slightly but pressed on. “He was the greatest. He was funny and smart mouthed. Told bad jokes and laughed at mine. We were so tight, I started to love him in a way. Then we went on a one week leave and… we had sex. No… I did love him. I figured I’d fucked up with Brian by then and he was seeing other guys in Miami. Brandon was almost as good. I told him I loved him. And he loved me. Then… we were in a firefight in the hills. I told him to stick close but after awhile we got separated.”

“You felt a lot of guilt about that, didn’t you,” Kyle asked softly. “Why is that?”

“God, fuck, Kyle.” He wiped the tears from his face, his voice recovered some. “He was the only guy besides Brian I was ever with. And I loved him. And felt like shit for loving him because I felt like I was cheating on Brian. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Brian all about him. And then… then he goes missing and three days later, we find him. Dead. Mutilated.”

Andy’s head bowed and he slumped back against the couch, looking exhausted. His eyes were closed, not wanting to see the looks on his friends’ faces. There was a long silence and he feared the disgust and alien looks that they all probably had on their faces. A familiar hand rested on his shoulder and he flinched slightly as he looked up into Troy’s face. “Andy, we honestly can’t understand what you went through,” he said in a caring voice. “But we know you. We grew up with you. You mean the world to us. We want to help but maybe we should consider that you should talk to someone who can understand your problems better than we can. That’s a choice you have to make on your own. We can’t do it for you. Just like Jacob, remember?”

Andy managed to nod his head once as his eyes shifted to stare blankly. Jacob came over and knelt down on the floor in front of him. “Andy, you need to talk to Brian and tell him all of this. Yeah, you might not want to tell him and there may even be parts you want to avoid but do you honestly think Brian is going to give up on you?”

“It’s not that,” Andy said. “I’m worried that he’ll stay and I’ll end up hurting him. I think I already did.”

“He’s a big boy,” Jacob said with a small smirk. “You’d be surprised what he can overcome. He waited this long to be with you. I doubt he’s gonna run away so easily. But he needs to know what you’ve been through.”

“Why’s that exactly,” he asked with a suspicious frown.

“Because he loves you and you love him and if you want that to last, you need to trust him and not hide anything from him.” Troy sat down next to him, leaning his head down slightly to look him in the eyes. “No matter what happens, we’re always going to be here. For the both of you.”

David stood up slowly and said, “boys, I think it’s time we leave him be for awhile. How about we go have lunch with the kids before Kyle and Jacob have to go back.” in silent agreement, they all rose to their feet. Each of them in turn giving Andy a warm embrace before being herded to the door by David.

Just as David was about to leave, Andy spoke up. “David?” He turned to regard the older man looking back at him, waiting. “You knew my dad pretty well, right?”

“He was a good friend,” he replied in a mild voice that still held a tiny spark of grief even after so many years.

“Did he,” he paused searching for the right words. “Did he say anything about me?”

“You wanna know if he knew or suspected that you were in love with Brian,” he said bluntly. When he saw the younger man’s head nod slowly he sighed and thought for a moment before he answered. “He never said or mentioned anything to me. He used to visit, you know. While you were away. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.” David approached him as he watched the look of disappointment fall over the boy’s face as his eyes cast down to the floor. “Look at me,” he said quietly as he put his hand under Andy’s chin and lifted his head up to look into those green eyes. “It doesn’t matter anymore if he did or didn’t. What does matter is that he loved you and he was proud of you. You being gay or straight wouldn’t have changed that in his heart.”

The look in Andy’s eyes, one of naked and painful loss, got David to realize that Andy had never really had the chance to grieve over his father. On impulse, he pulled the young man into his arms and was not all that surprised to feel the grasping hands of a drowning man on his back as he held him tight. “We can go visit him, if you want.” He said gently. “I’ll go with you and you can talk to him. Whenever you want, you just say the word. I’m sorry for your loss, son. I never did tell you that before and I should have. When you came home you were a gruff marine with that same little smirk on your face I remember from when you were a little kid.” He held Andy for a little longer before releasing him. “I need to go. Get some more rest and a shower. I’ll send Brian over in an hour or so and the two of you can settle things, okay?”

“Thanks,” he replied as his body trembled slightly.

“Okay,” he said again with a small smile. “Get some rest. It’ll calm you down.” With nothing else to say, he made his way out.

Andy stood there for a moment. He felt a mix of emotions swirling around inside him. Loss. Relief. Confusion. Fear. A deep dark hole inside him he’d been ignoring for years now. His friends were right. None of them could truly understand what he was going through. He wandered back up to his bedroom and slipped into the bathroom to shower. As he stood there under the water he thought back to his time in Afghanistan. Remembering friends lost and those who were there with him. He did his best to ignore the memories of blood and pain. Watching helplessly as a friend died or was never seen again. He had kept himself going then by keeping to the mission and blocking all else out.

But now he had no mission. No new orders. Just a life that seemed to be falling apart. He stepped out of the shower and dried off before going back into the bedroom where he reached for his phone and sent a quick text to David. “Don’t let Brian come home until I tell you.” After that he slowly browsed through his contacts until he got towards the bottom. He stared at it for a long time before knowing this was the only hope he could really depend on. Pushing the send button, he waited as the call connected. A familiar voice greeted him when the call was answered. “Captain? This is Sergeant Stewart from… well, I suppose you know. I need someone to talk to.”

****

It was late afternoon but the December sun had already set when Brian carefully opened the front door and quietly ushered Tanner and Blake inside. What was meant to be a morning out turned into a full day keeping them boys entertained and distracted from what was going on with their father. It had been mostly a good day and he felt thankful that their friends came out in force to offer their support in whatever was going on with Andy. Now, he was returning to see if they were right about him. That while things seemed uncertain, everything was going to work out in the end.

The first thing he noticed was the lights were on in the living room with the television on. In the background he could hear movement in the kitchen. Before he could do anything, Blake scampered through the doorway into the kitchen and turned. He watched the little boy turn and call out happily, “hi, daddy,” before running out of his sight. He gave Tanner a pat on the shoulder and he quickly joined his little brother.

“Hey, there’s my little boy,” he could hear Andy say with his usual cheerfulness. Brian breathed a sigh of relief hearing it. Tanner and Blake were going on talking about their day to Andy as Brian stopped at the doorway watching Andy kneeling on the floor surrounded by the boys as the three of them talked and laugh together. For a moment he felt out of place as he took in the scene. The moment passed when Andy looked up at him and his smile faded only a little bit as they both stood there. “Hi,” he said simply as their gazes met.

“Hi,” Brian said with a little smile and worried eyes.

Andy dipped his head for a second before looking at his boys and saying, “I need a couple minutes with your other dad. Why don’t you two go downstairs and play some games while we talk, okay?” He kissed them both on the forehead before adding. “I’ll have dinner ready soon so make sure you wash your hands.” The boys seemed satisfied as they left the kitchen, leaving Andy and Brian standing there alone.

“You took awhile before you let us come back,” Brian stated quietly. “Is everything alright?”

“For the most part, yes,” he answered honestly. “I owe you an apology.”

Brian shook his head. “No you don’t.”

“Yes, I do,” he insisted with a slight smile. “I’m sorry I went a little nuts. And I’m sorry that I made you wait to come home. I needed to have a talk with someone.”

“Who?”

“My C.O.” He took a step towards Brian, explaining, “when the guys left, I went to clean up. I guess I hoped it would help me feel better. It didn’t really but I started thinking about what they’d said and I realized that I needed to talk to someone who understood me. I hadn’t seen him in years since I left the corps but I still had his number. I called him up and we talked for a couple hours. I didn’t mean it to take so long.”

“Did talking to him help,” Brian asked.

Andy nodded slightly. “Some. I feel… better but I still have issues. But he convinced me that I need to get help. I’m going look into any therapy groups in the area.” He closed the distance between them and put his hands gently on Brian’s shoulders. “I really am sorry for what I said last night,” he said in that soft loving voice that made Brian’s heart suddenly swell. “I was angry and there was a lot of reasons why that I need to tell you later when I’m ready to. Your dad showing up brought back a lot of old feelings and a bunch of other stuff came out with it.” The look in his eyes when he stared into Brian’s was one of entreaty. “Can you forgive me?”

Brian sighed, looking at him with a coy, exasperated look. “You’re an idiot.” He put his hands around Andy’s hips and pulled him close enough that their noses brushed against each other. “There’s nothing you can do or say that would cause me to change my opinion on the fact that I love you. I wasn’t ever mad at you or upset. I was just worried about you. Whatever you’re going through, we will get through it together.”

His green eyes twinkled in the light of the kitchen as his lips lifted in a smile. “I really don’t deserve you,” he said with all the love and affection he could muster in his gentle voice. “I’m still going to need some time dealing with your dad in the picture if that’s where he’s gonna be. I wish I could be as positive as you about the prospect of him being a part of our lives again.”

“I’m not saying you have to forgive him,” Brian replied. “I’m just saying take your time before you pass final judgement on him.”

“Okay.” Andy leaned forward and kissed him with a sort of shyness, not unlike the first kiss they shared all those years ago. “Wanna help with dinner? After that I have a couple more apologies to make to my sons for my attitude lately.”

“Sounds good to me.” They two of them set to work, getting dinner ready for their family and getting their house back in order.