The Acquittal - 13. Chapter 12

Jacob’s truck was missing when Kyle pulled up to the house. He felt a slight measure of disappointment as he got out and headed up to the back door. His dad had told him where the spare key was located near the door so he had no worries about being locked out this time. He stepped into the house and headed to the front room. Sitting down to send Troy a text message. “When is this party supposed to take place?” He hit send and laid down on the couch while he waited. He hadn’t done much physically today but mentally he felt worn out. He laid there waiting patiently, playing a game on his phone until he got a response from Troy.

“Tuesday afternoon at Dad’s house. All you need to do is show up. You bringing anyone?”

He smirked knowing the question was a loaded one. “I will be bringing two people,” he texted back. He had a sudden thought to text Stephanie. “Do you have any meetings on Tuesday? I’d like you to bring Matt here that afternoon if you can.” He put the phone down and waited, wondering where Jacob went. His thoughts started to center on everything he learned today about Jacob. He had so much to make up for and he felt like he had very little time.

His phone alerted him to a message. It was Troy’s response, “Two?”

Before he could respond, Stephanie texted him back, “I’ll take the day off. He’s starting to get antsy anyway. I’ll leave here around noon on Tuesday.”

He texted Troy back first, “Matt and his mom,” before giving Stephanie a quick “okay,” and closing it up and laying down on the couch. As he closed his eyes, his thoughts turned again to everything he had learned. He briefly wondered if what his dad said about his deceased lover were true. He knew there was a simple way of finding out if he really wanted to know. Contemplating his next move for a few moments he groaned involuntarily as he got off the couch and headed up the stairs.

Kyle’s first impression upon reaching the door to his father’s bedroom was that of an errant child poking around where he had no business. His dad hadn’t openly given him permission but he did tell him where everything was. That was implied permission in his book. Even as a child he had never spent much time in his dad’s bedroom. It had always carried with it a sense of privacy and that no one else should be in that room. As he slowly opened the door and stepped inside, he noted that very little had changed in this room over the years since he last saw it. There were more intimate pictures in this room than in others. Pictures of his father, himself, his grandfather. Older pictures faded over time in frames around the room. In one frame he saw his father as a young man in his marine dress uniform. Other than a few minor differences there was almost no difference in his father as an eighteen year old and himself. He walked around the room, taking in the small details. Everything was in perfect condition and clean. The dresser was covered in all sorts of oddities but also well organized. He imagined his dad could navigate his way through this room in pitch darkness if he had to.

He walked around the bed and came to a stop. On this side of the bed was a nightstand with a small lamp and two tiny pictures in a folded picture frame. One of David and Kyle when he was still an infant. The other one was a much younger David and another man, both in uniform standing side by side. Kyle leaned down to look closer. In the picture he could see both young men smiling cheerfully. His father had his arm around the other man’s shoulders. The other man had his hand around David’s back, his hand holding his father just above his hip. The man’s hair was a dark red. His eyes were friendly and his smile one of sincere happiness. Kyle felt a lump in his throat form. The pictures were tilted towards the bed and with the lamp on, a person laying on this side could turn over and gaze upon both pictures. He wondered, how many nights his father laid there staring at that picture? At both of them. The son he had and the love he never got to fully embrace.

Kyle glanced down and noticed that the nightstand had a single small drawer at the top and a cabinet door on the bottom. He knelt down and opened the small door slowly, almost reverently, looking inside and seeing a beige porcelain urn inside. It was an unassuming item to anyone who had no idea what it contained. Upon closer inspection, he noted a small brass strip along the bottom with three letters etched in it. “T.K.M.” He had a sudden and strange feeling like this was a part of himself. Maybe, if not for a cruel twist of fate, he might have gotten to know this man. Could have explained things to him. Been a part of his life. Could have loved his father and been loved. What kind of life could all of them have had together? It sent a profound sense of sadness and loss inside him, enough that he knew he could never look at this again. He gently closed the door on the small nightstand and stood up.

Deciding that he had seen enough, he stepped out of the room and composed himself. Realizing there was nothing to be done about that aspect of his dad’s life, he let it go for now. He would deal with it when it was time. Hopefully, when the time came, he wouldn’t have to deal with it alone. He stopped by his room and started looking through his old clothes still in the drawers. He found a familiar pair of swimming trunks that he used to use at the local gym when he went swimming with the others. In another drawer he found a pair of dark blue shorts that used to go down past his knees. He imagined they probably still did. He pulled those out and looked through another drawer of shirts, finding the matching shirt that went along with it. He took them and then went to shower to clean up. Once finished and in clean clothes, he found the the shorts felt only a little snug around the waist. Other than that, it was no different than they felt ten years ago. Smirking a little, he went back downstairs to pull up something to read on his tablet while he sat and waited for Jacob to come back.

It was a little over an hour later when he heard a truck pull up near the house. Kyle rose to look out the window to see Jacob’s truck heading up the inclined drive and maneuver to park next to his car instead of next to the workshop as it had been when he arrived. He went into the kitchen just as the back door opened. Jacob walked in with two sacks of groceries in his big arms. He set them down on the table and glanced at Kyle before walking back out. Kyle followed behind him and asked, “can I help?”

Jacob walked back to his truck without looking back as Kyle closed in behind. He reached in and pulled out two more sacks and turned, holding them out to Kyle, “here.” His tone was impersonal again and his eyes seemed cold. Kyle took the offered bags and headed back into the house. He heard the door to Jacob’s truck slam shut and soon both of them were in the kitchen, putting away everything in the bags. Kyle helped as much as he could but found being gone for so long he wasn’t aware of where everything went. Eventually, he stepped back and let Jacob finish on his own.

He frowned slightly, feeling inadequate but brushed it aside, accepting that he’s going to have to get used to the new normal. And he’s not going to be able to talk to Jacob without making some meaningful attempt. “Sorry I don’t know my way around here like I used to.”

“Not your fault,” Jacob responded, keeping his tone measured. “You couldn’t have known that I would rearrange things.”

“Maybe,” he conceded. He took a breath and then said with a slightly firmer tone, “Jacob, we need to talk.”

He turned and stared at Kyle with an almost defiant look. “What about?”

“We need to talk and I need to apologize to you for what happened.”

“Save it,” he said, turning back to putting away the dry foods in the cabinets. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“Yeah, I do and you know I do,” his voice raised slightly in irritation. “Why are you being so cold towards me when I’m trying to talk to you?”

“I’m not being cold,” his voice raised to match Kyle’s, “I’m just not interested in hearing you apologize for something you didn’t do.”

His temper flared up at Jacob’s stonewalling as his voice erupted in full force. “Yes I did!” He closed his eyes and got his frustration under control. This seemed like a hopeless battle. He wanted to set things right between them but it looked like Jacob either didn’t want to or it didn’t matter to him anymore. “Okay. I’m sorry I brought it up. It was a long morning with dad and we got a lot of our problems put behind us once he told me everything. I wanted to give the two of us the same opportunity to try and set things right but if you don’t want to, I’ll just have to respect that and let it be what it is. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.” He left the kitchen without waiting for a reply and went up to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Pulling off his shirt and shoes, he slipped into his old bed and closed his eyes. Tired and disappointed, he let the fatigue inside him take over and was soon asleep.

He awoke a while later to a knock on his door. By the amount of light coming in through the window, he guessed it was almost evening. There was another knock and Jacob’s muffled voice was heard through the door. “Kyle? Can I come in?”

He sighed and rolled over, facing the door and muttered, “sure.”

The door opened slowly and Kyle watched Jacob step into the room cautiously, his eyes looking troubled as he scanned the room. Kyle kept his eyes on him as he crossed the room and sat down on the chair next to the desk. Remaining silent, he waited as Jacob stared at the floor for a moment before he said quietly, “It’s not something I like talking about. I don’t like remembering it and I don’t like knowing why it happened.”

“For what it’s worth,” Kyle sat up slowly, pushing the sheet aside he was laying under, “it’s not easy for me either. I spent years forcing myself to forget everything. It hurt me in a lot of ways. A week ago, I didn’t even want to come here or look at any of you.”

“So why did you?” His eyes raised slightly to regard Kyle.

“Because I was tired of it all,” he said with a sigh. “I was tired of being angry and tired of feeling hurt. I was tired of trying to live a life that wasn’t what I had planned. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and my life. Mostly. There’s just pieces missing.”

“Neither of us got the life we hoped for,” Jacob said sullenly, “all because of…”

“It wasn’t just you,” Kyle’s voice took on an earnest tone, “stop blaming yourself.”

Jacob nodding knowingly, “he told you, didn’t he?”

He nodded, his voice a little more compassionate. “I don’t think he meant to. He was trying to get me to understand what happened and he just blurted it out.”

“You don’t understand,” he shook his head mournfully. “I did it. It was me. I went into his room and ruined everything.”

“Do you remember why you did it?”

“It’s all so vague,” his voice changed slightly becoming more resigned. “I remember stumbling up the stairs. I remember walking into a room. I remember… God… I remember hearing you. Feeling you. Then… waking up. Realizing where I was. Then hearing your dad downstairs, crying. I don’t remember exactly what happened. I never do. I can’t tell you how many different times that happened to me over the years with other guys. Other people. I used to blackout a lot. When I knew I could get away with it.”

“Get away with it?”

Jacob sighed, keeping his focus on the floor. “It’s… hard for people to understand. When you’re… like me… you know how far you can let it go. You gotta work, you gotta drive, do a job, be around people, you pull back. Stick to something that’ll just make the noise inside quieter. Once you’re alone. Or in a place where no one’s gonna really notice, then you can give into the need you have to just keep going and going until it’s three or four or five hours later and you don’t remember a thing and you’re just waiting for the next chance to do it again.”

“Jacob, I understand what you did and why you did it. I’m not saying it was right or that it didn’t hurt me. But, knowing what I know now, I don’t fault you for what happened. You were sick.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I did it. It was my fault.” He rubbed his hand over his face before he choked out, “every time your dad would get a look on his face, when he’d start thinking about you and missing you. Whenever he’d just sit there and stare at one of your pictures on the wall. Every time, I knew it was me that did that to him. Sometimes I’d dream about leaving and hope it would be enough to get you to come back. Once in awhile I’d say something about leaving but he wouldn’t hear of it. ‘He’ll come home in time,’ he’d always tell me.”

“Me being gone for as long as I have been isn’t your fault or dad’s, it’s mine,” he said emphatically. “Jacob, look at me.” His head lifted up, pale blue eyes shimmering with tears gazed up at Kyle and made his heart lurch in his chest like it used to. Deep down inside he sensed long forgotten feelings start to smolder within him. “The reason why I left and stayed away was because of my own panic and fears. When I… I saw you in his bed that morning, I wasn’t thinking about what you did so much as I was thinking that me being gone so long had caused you to look for someone else and it turned out to be my dad. And when that happened, I felt like I had lost everything. I lost you, dad, my friends, my entire life. All because of what I did and the choices I made. I hated being away from you for so long then. But, I had to accept the fact that you had found someone else. And I knew I couldn’t bare to see you with someone else. It hurt too much for me to even think about back then.”

“I’m sorry,” Jacob said quietly as he slowly shook his head, “I’m sorry I’m an alcoholic and I’m sorry I ruined your life.”

Kyle snorted softly and said, “it wasn’t ruined. Just sidetracked. I still got my law degree. I’m still what I wanted to be. I tried finding someone else but I wasn’t ready to trust again like that. I still have hope that I’ll get a happy ending. It’s not like I’m old or anything.”

“Fuck,” Jacob muttered softly, “I feel old sometimes.”

“You’re not,” he smiled softly. “If anything you’ve improved with age.” A ghost of a smile appeared on Jacob’s lips and Kyle felt that same feeling he had so many years ago when he saw that smile. This time it left an ache inside him. “So, I guess the question is, ‘where do we go from here?’”

“I don’t know. But, I do know one thing...” Jacob stood and said in a less sullen voice, “dinner will be ready in about ten minutes.”

“Okay.” he smiled a little, feeling like they had made some progress. “I’ll get dressed and join you after I make a phone call.”

Jacob shrugged dismissively as he headed towards the door. “No need to get dressed on my account. It’s not like I haven’t seen it all before anyway.” He walked out and headed back downstairs.

Kyle stared at the door after Jacob left, wondering if Jacob was flirting or not. He sighed and reached for his phone. That was a mystery for another time. He opened his phone and made a call to Stephanie. The phone rang for a few seconds longer than he expected. Just before he expected it to go to voicemail the phone connected. There was a noticeable pause before he heard a high pitched voice say, “Daddy?”

Kyle grinned as he laid back on the bed. “Hi, sweetheart. You still being good for mommy?”

“Uh, huh. You coming home,” came the not unexpected reply.

Kyle sighed, wishing he could magically teleport his son into his arms. “In a day or so, your mommy is bringing you here with me. Remember when we talked about that?”

“Oh! Gonna see apples?”

Kyle chuckled, “Yeah, Baby Boy. Gonna see apples growing on trees and meet some really nice people here.”

“When?”

“In a couple days, sweetheart. Sooner than you think, I promise.”

“Ok. Miss you,” the boys voice got quieter and Kyle could almost picture the pouty face he probably had right then.

“Matthew,” he sat a in the bed as he spoke to his son tenderly, “I miss you more than you can ever know. I hate being away from you. But it’s only going to be for another day. Then we’ll see each other again.”

“Ok.” He seemed somewhat satisfied.

“Ok. Can I talk to mommy now?”

The phone went silent for a moment before he heard her voice break through. “Hey, how’s it going?”

“Things are improving,” he sighed, “ slowly.”

She laughed softly. “Well, that’s better than nothing. I’m gonna talk to Jeff tomorrow first thing in the morning. I’ll tell him I need to take Matt to you. I’ll keep you up to date on that once I get to the office.”

“Sounds good. Dad is looking forward to meeting him.”

“Oh, you told him?” She sounded more excited than he expected.

“Well,” he grudgingly admitted, “we had a really good talk and towards the end I could tell he needed something to cheer him up. That’s why I asked for that picture this morning.”

“Ah,” she giggled slightly, “what about the other guy there?”

“That’s a little more complicated,” he sighed again. “He’s gonna have dinner ready in a few minutes and we’ve made a few baby steps forward. But I have no idea how this will end between us.”

“Well, I guess what matters is how you want it to end,” she said suggestively.

He frowned slightly and grunted, “I wish I knew. I’m not sure what to expect or want at this point. In some ways, we’re just getting to know each other again.”

“That makes sense. Just be patient and, well, be yourself.”

“Oh, gee, thanks.” He rolled his eyes at her attempt to help.

“Hey,” her voice became playfully irritated, “there’s only so much I can do from a couple hundred miles away. Go eat. I’m gonna play with our boy before bedtime.”

“Okay,” he said with a small smile, “make sure you tell him I love him tonight. Maybe twice.”

Stephanie laughed, “I guess I can do that. I’ll need to get some more clothes for him before we head your way. I’ll call you tomorrow to update you.”

“Ok. Talk to you later.” He hung up the phone and got out of the bed, opting to put the shirt back on before joining Jacob for dinner. As he walked down the stairs he felt a moment of trepidation. There were still a lot of issues they had to work out but what would that leave if they were addressed? And if they did manage to talk through everything and patch things up? Would Jacob want him? He frowned as he caught himself going in the same loop again. Worrying about what might happen instead of just dealing with the here and now.

Going down the last step, he glanced into the living room hearing the television had been left on and a baseball game was on the screen. Deciding not to want to rush things, he went in and sat down to watch the game and not get in Jacob’s way in the kitchen. He sat down on the couch and watched the game play out as he heard the sounds of Jacob hard at work in the kitchen. He was starting to relax and get comfortable when he heard Jacob step into the room. “Hey, did you want anything to drink,” he asked in probably the most normal voice Kyle had heard him use since he got there. “I’m almost finished up with dinner but thought you might be thirsty.”

He just shrugged and answered, “whatever you’re having is fine.” Jacob nodded and Kyle thought he almost smiled before he turned and left the room again. He turned his attention back to the game letting it lull him into a more content mood. He sat there for a few more minutes before he heard Jacob call him to the table.

When he walked into the kitchen a smile formed on his lips. Jacob was standing there, putting on the last touches of a well cooked meal. Butterfly pork chops with a spicy marinade along with a few vegetables and cornbread. He watched him as he filled two glasses with water from a pitcher before replacing it in the refrigerator. When he turned around he looked at Kyle looking at him from the doorway and smiled a little. “Well, it’s ready to eat,” he said casually as he moved to sit down at the table. Kyle thought he noticed his cheeks were redder than they had been as he joined him at the table.

They started in and stayed quiet, concentrating their efforts on eating before Kyle finally had to ask him, “when did you become so good at cooking anyway?”

Jacob smirked, looking down at his plate, replying, “since Andy and sometimes Troy decided that they need to leave their kids over here and me and your dad need to feed them. David was ok most of the time doing it himself but eventually he started insisting I help out if I wasn’t busy. Good thing he did or else I’d be either starving or eating fast food a lot more than I should.”

“Wow,” Kyle couldn’t help but be impressed, “taking care of a bunch of little kids isn’t easy.”

“Not really,” he shrugged slightly but his smile picked up a little, “but I like it. Sometimes Tanner and Blake will stay the night with us. It’s a lot of fun having them around. And your dad dotes on them like they’re his own grandkids.”

Kyle kept his eyes trained on his plate, keeping his face as neutral as possible. “Well, I’m glad it seems to be something you enjoy.”

“Yeah,” he said casually, “maybe someday.”

“Someday, what?”

“Well, we talked about it once or twice,” he said thoughtfully, “maybe I’ll have one someday. If the circumstances are right.” He looked across the table to Kyle as he asked, “wouldn’t you want to have a baby of your own eventually? I can tell you your dad will probably pester you about having one since he’s gotten the feel of having the next best thing.”

Kyle just shrugged and replied with a small smirk, “I’ve thought about it.”

“Well, I’m sure your dad will be happy to give you his opinion on it.” he chuckled a little and continued eating.

“Our dad,” Kyle blurted out.

“Hm?”

“Our dad,” he said softly, “not just my dad. You’ve said that a couple times now. Just because I’m here doesn’t make you suddenly not part of the family that’s been your home for the last thirteen years.”

“Fourteen and I know,” he sighed. “I just don’t feel like I wanna step on anyone’s toes right now is all.”

“I think you mean my toes and they’re just fine. You’re here, part of this place and Dad loves you as much as he loves me. Unless your real dad is back in your life that I don’t know about.”

Jacob frowned and shook his head, “He got out of prison about four years ago. He wanted to reconnect and fix things. But, he hadn’t changed and I wasn’t going to go back to that. I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him.” He took a bite of his porkchop before continuing, “he didn’t like that much. Called me every name in the book. About two years ago he died in a car accident. Didn’t get anything in way of an inheritance, so he’s buried in the cemetery and that’s that.”

Without thinking Kyle reached across the table and put his hand on Jacob’s. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Jacob looked down at Kyle’s hand over his. The touch sent a jolt up his arm and into his chest. He turned his hand over and held Kyle’s as he said softly, “there wasn’t anything I could do about him. I’ll never know why he didn’t like me or what I did to make him not like me. Took me some time but I just accepted it as part of life. He’s gone now and I’ll never miss him.” He looked up into Kyle’s eyes.

“I wish I knew what to say,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry for what you had to go through with him. You didn’t deserve being treated like a punching bag by your own father.” Jacob’s eyes looked back down at their hands joined for a moment before he slowly pulled his away and went back to eating. The rest of the evening was quiet. Jacob went to his workshop to do some work and Kyle stayed busy on his phone, checking and responding to emails and reading until he went up to bed. Before he fell asleep, Jacob knocked on his door to let him know his dad was being released from the hospital tomorrow. He promised to be up early and then rolled over and went to sleep.

****

Brian stepped out of the bathroom after cleaning up for bed. He was feeling a little uncomfortable because of what Andy suggested they should do. Brian didn’t see a point to it but Andy felt it was important so he eventually gave in and was going along with it. He walked back down the small hallway to the front room and sat down next to Andy on the couch. Sitting on the floor in front of them were Andy’s two children, looking up at the adults, expectantly.

“Boys, I think you know by now that your mom isn’t gonna be living with us anymore,” Andy began slowly. The boys merely nodded wordlessly. Brian watched them carefully. Blake had already warmed up to him. Tanner seemed to regard him curiously but also seemed a little confused about him being around. “Well, Brian and I have decided that we want to live together. We will probably be moving into a bigger house once we get things settled.”

Both of the boys’ heads tilted slightly in confusion before Tanner finally spoke up. “Why would we move?”

“Well,” Andy replied slowly, “so you two can have your own bedrooms and we will have more room all around. Doesn’t that sound like a good idea to you?”

“Yeah,” Blake replied simply. Then he looked over at Brian and asked as only a little boy could. “How come you’re living with us?”

Brian smirked and glanced over at Andy, muttering, “he gets straight to the point, that one...” Brian affected a more serious look and said to the small child, “because I love your dad and he and I want to live together.”

“So, you’re going to be like another dad then,” Tanner asked with a face that suggested he wasn’t sure how he felt about that idea.

Brian wasn’t sure how to answer that and he looked to Andy for help. Andy’s eyes sparkled with laughter as he came to his rescue. “He’s going to be just like your Uncle Jacob or Uncle Troy except he’ll be living with you instead of somewhere else.” The two boys looked at each other and then back to their dad, seemingly satisfied with his answer. Seeing as there were no other questions he decided to end it here for now. “Ok. Bedtime,” he held his arms out as he the boys stood, “hugs and kisses and then go to bed.” The oldest hugged him and got a peck on the cheek before the little red-head replaced him.

Before he left, Blake stepped up to Brian and held his arms out, waiting. Brian smiled and leaned down to hug the small boy. Blake gave him a kiss on his cheek before saying goodnight and then trotted out of the room behind his older brother. Brian leaned back on the couch, smirking as he slowly turned his head to regard his lover. “Well, that wasn’t so bad.”

Andy leaned over and put his arm around Brian, pulling him to him. “In the long run, it won’t be a big deal anyway. I don’t have many memories before I was six years old. I doubt they will either...” his lips brushed over Brian’s forehead before he whispered, “daddy.”

Brian shot him a mock glare before elbowing him in the ribs. “Not sure if I’m ready to be a father yet. Uncle I can handle.”

“I think they’ll make up their own minds in time.” He grinned warmly, running his fingers softly over Brian’s arm. He added in a soft voice, “I think you already won Blake over. He’s a lovable kid. A demanding little shit sometimes to, but he’s the greatest. Tanner thinks things over a lot before he makes a decision. He’ll come around soon enough.”

“I’m not really worried about them,” Brian said thoughtfully. “I’m more concerned that we make this work between us. I don’t want to be a big part of their lives only to have us not work out.”

Andy sighed as he squeezed Brian closer to him, “I worry about it to but not much. We know each other better than anyone else, I think. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. We know when to have fun and we know when we need to get serious. I don’t see us having any issues big enough that we can’t deal with.”

“All very good points,” he said with a smirk. “But, if there’s anything I don’t know about you that you think I should know, you need to tell me now.”

Andy sat there quietly for a moment, pondering. “I smoke pot twice a week,” he said quietly. “It helps take the edge off when I get twitchy. I will tell you when I do it if you want to know. I usually light up out back. I keep it in a baggy in the garage.”

Brian’s eyes widened a little in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting that for some reason. What do you mean by twitchy?”

“It’s hard to explain,” he said. “One minute you’re doing fine, driving along or just sitting around the house, next thing you know you’re starting to freak out about a paper bag being blown into the street by the wind. Or you hear a sound in the back of the house and you go reaching for your gun that isn’t there and the fact that you don’t have the gun makes you feel vulnerable and helpless.” Andy’s eyes unfocused slightly as he went on. “Some nights I slept in the closet because I was too scared to be out in the open. Sometimes a song will play and I’ll remember something from back then and my mood’ll be shot. When I get high, it kind of dulls all that down. Makes it manageable.”

There was a brief moment of silence between them. “It’s time for bed.” Brian untangled himself from Andy’s arms and stood up, holding his hand out to him as he stood and they walked silently back to the bedroom, turning the lights off along the way. When he closed the door, Andy turned and looked like he was about to say something when Brian put a finger on his lips to silence him. “It’s ok. Let me do this.” Andy stood there, confused and a little scared that maybe he shared too much. Brian said nothing as he slowly undressed his lover, carefully pulling his t-shirt off of him and then unbuttoning his shorts, letting them slide down to the floor leaving Andy only in his grey boxer briefs. Brian undressed himself and then turned the lights off and pulled Andy gently onto the bed, letting the thin sheet cover their bodies. He wrapped his arms around him and then said softly, “go on…”

“Bri,” Andy said in a quiet, uncertain voice, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You don’t scare me,” he reassured him, kissing his cheek softly. “I just wanted you to feel more comfortable while you talk.”

“You sure you’re ok with all this,” he asked as he settled in. He gently stroked his face against the crook of Brian’s neck.

“I remember that priest saying, ‘for better or worse.’” Brian responded in a whisper. “I figure if that bitch Stacy can do it so can I.”

Andy snickered and whispered back, “she never gave a shit about me or my problems.”

“That’s because she’s a bitch. What else did you want to tell me?”

“That I love you more than you’ll ever know.”

“I have a working theory about how much it is and I think I might love you more,” he quipped, rubbing Andy’s back. “We’ll just have to see this out and find out who the winner is.”

Andy smiled and asked, “how long do you suppose it’ll take to figure out who’s the winner?”

“Could take years.” He brushed his lips over Andy’s hair and whispered, “what else did you want to tell me?”

There was a moment of silence before Andy whispered, “I got rid of all of my guns because I didn’t think I could trust myself with them. Sometimes, despite everything going on, I fall into a bad funk and it might take me days to get out of it. Troy usually gives me time off for it and I usually send the kids over the David’s. You might need to take over if that happens.”

Brian nodded acknowledgement, eyes gazing at him softly. “What else?”

“Sometimes…” he swallowed. “I feel ugly because of the things I did. Sometimes I hate myself and sometimes I just get mad. I don’t want to be mad with you.”

“It’s ok, baby,” he whispered lovingly. “I’ll understand. What else?”

Andy sighed deeply and closed his eyes. For a moment, he felt safe again, like he felt before he went to war. “Sometimes, I just want someone to hold me.”

Brian said nothing and just held him close. They both lay there saying nothing until a peaceful sleep claimed both of them.

****

“Dad, let me help you up,” Kyle said as he opened the car door for his father.

“I’m not an invalid, son,” the proud man said as he slowly got out of the car on his own. It had been nearly two weeks since he went into the hospital. Now, after waiting for hours all morning and several doctors to finally say he could rest up at home, he was finally able to go back to where he belonged.

“Far be it from me to try and have you take it easy,” Kyle gave him a mock glower, “you know, like the doctors told you to.”

“They worry too much and so do you,” his father tried to sound menacing but his cheerful smile made it impossible to intimidate anyone. “I don’t suppose there’s a bunch of boys in my house right now, is there?”

“Andy dropped his boys off this morning and should be here later to pick them up, according to Jacob.” Kyle closed the car door and, despite his father’s protests, put a supportive arm around him as they made their way up to the back door of the house.

The morning had passed quickly for Kyle. Waking up and having breakfast with Jacob before Andy dropped his sons off at the house on his way to work. Kyle tactfully said nothing about Brian while Andy was there. The boys turned out to be entertaining and fun for the short time Kyle had before he had to go to the hospital. What really surprised him was how Jacob interacted with them. While Jacob had always been a little quiet even at the best of times years ago, with the children he was all smiles. Running around and carrying Tanner or Blake on his shoulders outside, he seemed to enjoy them as much as they did him. Kyle hoped Matt would get a similar reception.

“When do I get my surprise,” David asked his son playfully.

Kyle chuckled and replied, “tomorrow. Not sure exactly what time. Steph hasn’t texted me yet.”

The older man nodded, “it’ll all work out.” He stopped just at the door and looked over at his son. “Speaking of working things out, how are you and Jacob?”

Kyle have him a half-hearted smile and said, “we’re working things out. We’re back to being friends again.”

David frowned slightly. “Friends? Just friends?”

Kyle looked at his father, a little confused. “Yeah. What’s wrong with that?”

David let out a heavy sigh and muttered, “you didn’t get it.”

Before Kyle could inquire more, David turned the doorknob and walked into his home. He took a couple steps in, looking about as if to make sure everything was in order before he continued through the kitchen and into the hallway where cartoons could be heard coming from the living room beyond. “Isn’t anybody gonna come welcome me home,” he called out with a smile. Within seconds the sounds of little feet could be heard running towards the sound of his voice.

A bright red streak of hair with a wide grin came racing up to him and calling out,
“Granpaw, Granpaw!”

David chucked and leaned down to give the small boy a hug and kiss on his forehead. “Good to see you to, little one.” Tanner was close behind who joined in on the hug with his little brother. David leaned over and kissed his cheek. “There’s my great big boy. You two having fun with Jacob today?”

The boys nodded smiling with Tanner adding, “yeah but it’s better when you’re here.”

“Well, lucky you, here I am,” he grinned and let the boys go and made his way slowly towards the living room. Kyle stood in the kitchen doorway, smiling a little even as he noted sadly that his father was moving slower than he remembered.

He followed behind his dad and walked into the living room. Jacob and his dad were hugging each other. “Welcome home, dad,” Jacob said to him.

“Good to be home, kiddo,” his dad smirked and then frowned a little and said to him, “you and I need to have a talk later.”

Jacob blinked a little in surprise and responded with a slightly stuttered, “Oh, ah, okay.”

“Thanks for taking care of the place for me. I appreciate it.” He patted him on the back and then slowly sat down on the couch with a sigh. “Ok. Doctor said I shouldn’t overexert myself for the next two weeks. That means you’re gonna be running around a lot. I also hear a rumor of a party of some sort tomorrow?” He looked around and back to Kyle who was still standing in the doorway.

Jacob unconsciously took a step back from David when he saw Kyle standing there that didn’t go unnoticed by David. Kyle spoke up first, “Well, Troy was wanting to have a cookout tomorrow to celebrate you coming home but if you’re not feeling up to it…”

“No, it’s fine." David insisted casually, “I would like to see all of my boys in one room for once.” Jacob turned to sit on the sofa off to the side and stayed silent.

Kyle shrugged and grinned, “It’s not like it’s gonna sap your strength having a dozen people here waiting on you hand and foot, I guess.”

“A dozen?” David chuckled, “I think the house may need to be extended out.”

“I have a delivery I need to make tomorrow morning,” Jacob suddenly said. “I’ll be here later but not sure when I’ll be showing up.”

“A delivery,” Kyle asked in confusion, “what are you delivering?”

“A bed frame I’ve been working on,” he replied, “I need to get it to Washington tomorrow. It’ll be probably a five to six hour trip.”

David nodded and sighed, “Try not to be too late.”

“Yes, sir,” he nodded. He playfully ignored David’s glower at the word “sir” used as he stood up and headed towards the door, “I need to start getting it wrapped up and packed away before I load it in the truck in the morning. I’ll be done in time to get dinner started.”

“I can do dinner tonight,” Kyle said to him as he passed next to him.

Jacob stopped right in front of him, being mindful to not be too close in case they accidentally touched. “Only if you want to. I got no problem fixing dinner.”

“Think of it as payback for last night’s dinner,” Kyle smiled slightly. “And it gives you more time to make sure you’ll be ready to go in the morning.”

Jacob nodded and said, “Ok, sure. Just come get me when you’re ready.” That settled, he started out of the room, leaving the kids with Kyle and his father.

Kyle and David spent the next hour or so playing games with the kids. For Kyle, it was a great way to spend the afternoon. He didn’t miss Matt as much while he spent time with Andy’s kids. He did eventually get a text message from Stephanie telling him that they would be there around three in the afternoon. He relayed the message to his father who grinned with pride and barely suppressed excitement. Kyle just giggled at his reaction wondering if he’ll be able to contain himself that long.

Soon after, the back door opened and Kyle heard a set of boots thumping down the hallway. As first he thought it was Jacob coming back inside but the two young boys recognized the sound immediately as Blake squealed and ran out of the room and down the hall. “Well, here’s my little man,” he could hear Andy’s clear voice. In a few seconds he was walking into the room, wearing work boots, jeans and a damp looking shirt. Balancing Blake on his hip with one arm wrapped around him, he grinned as he greeted David. “Well, who finally busted you out?”

“My loving son,” David chuckled. “Because he was tired of hearing me bitch and moan after only two days. See? If you guys had listened to me when I said I was fine I would’ve been home over a week ago.”

Andy was polite enough to only roll his eyes. “Boys, dad is sweaty and tired and needs to go home. So, grab your gear and say goodbye to your grandpa David and Uncle Kyle.” He glanced over at Kyle and winked.

“I’m making dinner tonight if you and Brian wanna stop by later,” Kyle offered.

Andy smiled kindly but demurred. “As fun as that sounds, I think I have another obligation I need to deal with. But we’ll be here tomorrow for sure.”

Kyle nodded his understanding. “You got my number if you need anything.”

David rose to his feet and walked up to Andy saying, “you seem different. Happier but not. What’s going on, son?”

Andy blushed and looked down, “it’s just stuff I need to talk through with Bri.”

David’s eyebrows raised slightly. “Stuff about…?” he let the unspoken words hang there between them. Andy gave a small nod and said nothing. David’s eyes were understanding and caring as he put an arm around the blonde haired man he used to know as a carefree young boy. “You’ll be ok, son. Bring the kids by and they can spend the night if you ever need to, ok?”

“Thanks,” he said with a smile and shimmering green eyes, “I’m glad you’re back home. We were worried about you.”

David turned to his son and said softly, “why don’t you help Andy get the kids in the truck for him.” He said it as a suggestion but his son knew it was an order.

Kyle rose up off the floor. “Sure dad.” He helped grab what other stray toys the boys had brought with them and got them in the bag. He motioned Tanner to join them and the four headed outside.

“It’s alright, Kyle. I can manage,” Andy said, not wanting to be a bother. “You should be in there helping out your dad.”

“I am helping him out,” he replied with a smirk. “I’m doing what he told me to do.”

Andy snickered, “The more things change they more they stay the same.” He looked around and asked, “where’s Jacob?”

He motioned over across the pavement. “In his workshop. Finishing up something he needs to take to Washington tomorrow morning.”

“Okay,” he said as he sat Blake in his child seat. “And how are you two doing?”

“We’re fine,” he said simply.

“Just… fine? Where’d you two sleep last night?”

Kyle rolled his eyes, helping Tanner up into the truck, “not that it’s any of your business but he slept in his room and I slept in mine.”

“Doesn’t sound fine to me then,” Andy got Blake buckled up and shut the door. “You two were crazy about each other once. You’re probably still crazy for each other.”

Kyle blushed and shrugged, “We’re friends. That’s just how it is.”

“Stop being a pussy, Howard,” he frowned in irritation. “You wanna jump his bones, get in there and get to it.”

Kyle laughed. “As simple and fun as that sounds, I don’t think it would help anything.”

“If you say so,” he finished putting Tanner in his seat and closed the door and turned to look back at Kyle, his voice softening and more serious. “If you still love him, you gotta say something. Don’t do what I did and make one mistake right on top of another. As much as I love my boys they came at a heavy cost to me and Bri. He and I are having to start over in some ways.”

Kyle nodded, “I understand and I am really happy for you both. Jacob and I…” he sighed and shrugged again. “I think we missed our window. But, at least I have his friendship back.” Andy frowned but said nothing. Kyle looked him over and reach out a hand, putting it on his shoulder. “What about you? Dad’s right, you do seem a little out of sorts today.”

Andy gave him a cheerless smile and said softly, “we had a talk with the boys last night. That went over well. But then, Bri started asking about stuff. Before I knew what I was doing I started blurting stuff out without thinking about it. Just a little worried I scared him.”

Kyle gave him a sympathetic look and hugged him impulsively, a little surprised that Andy returned it. “I’m sorry about what you went through. But, I know Brian and I know he doesn’t scare easy. He just needs some time to figure out how he’s gonna tackle it. He won’t give up on you.”

“Wow,” he chuckled, “that was kind of exactly what I needed to hear. I’m glad you’re back, bro.”

“I’m… glad I’m back too. Never thought I’d say that,” Kyle muttered softly. “I can only say I have a mental breakdown to blame for it.”

“Well, I’ll listen to your advice if you listen to mine: Don’t give up on Jacob.”

Kyle snickered, “Ok.” He let go of Andy, saying, “you stink. Go home.”

Andy grinned and gave him a salute. “Sir, yes, sir.” He got in his truck and started it up, waving as he pulled out of the drive. Kyle waved back until the truck pulled out of sight. He sighed, smiling. He still felt some guilt for being gone for as long as he had been but talking with Andy again helped lessen the burden some. He glanced over at Jacob’s workshop and then headed back into the house to start planning on what he was going to make for dinner that night.

****

Jacob was sitting comfortably in his chair, a pad of paper in one hand and a pencil in the other, when he heard the door to his shop open and then close. He glanced up expecting to see Kyle or his dad walk in. He wasn’t expecting to see blonde hair and blue troubled eyes. “Brian. What’re you doing here?”

He put on an easy smile as he walked over to where Jacob was sitting, “oh, just getting back from school and thought I’d stop in. How is everything?”

Jacob looked up at him dubiously and said in a suspicious voice, “everything is fine. I finished up a project I’m taking to a client tomorrow and thought I’d do a little doodling before I headed inside for dinner.”

“Oh,” he said as he sat down on the stool next to him. “So, not really hiding out here this time.”

Jacob sighed and rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t hiding last time either.”

“Whatever,” he shrugged. “But you two have talked, I hope.”

“Yes,” showing only minor irritation in his voice, “we talked. We’re friends. We put it all behind us.”

“If you say so.” He smiled slightly and then glanced over Jacob’s shoulder to see what he was drawing.

“Is that why you came over? To check up on me?” He smirked slightly and shook his head. “That’s quite a drive just to see if I’m behaving.”

Brian snickered, “no, silly. I’m staying at Andy’s house tonight.”

“Huh,” Jacob put his pad and pencil down and turned towards him with a perplexed look. “You’ve spent the last three nights at his place and now you’re staying on a school night when you work an hour away?”

“That would seem to be the case,” Brian answered as if this was an everyday event.

“Uh, huh,” Jacob stared at him for a moment. “So, why are you here?”

“To see you,” he said simply.

“Try again.” He shook his head. “You came here for a bigger reason than that. You got something on your mind?”

Brian’s lips pressed together slightly, trying to be casual. “I was just wondering about some stuff. Stuff I think I should only ask you about.”

“Well,” Jacob said, “go ahead and ask.”

Brian sighed, trying to find the right words. “I was wondering. Since Andy came home from… from overseas… I was wondering… If he ever, you know, mentioned anything. About what happened while… while he was gone.”

Jacob stared at him for a moment, noticing his eyes looking anywhere but at him. The fact that he could barely get the words out was completely unlike him. “No. I asked him once and he got a little heated so I never brought it up again.”

Brian sighed in obvious disappointment. “Figured as much.”

“What’s going on?” He let his concern show in his face.

Brian shook his head dismissively. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” He moved to stand up, figuring there was no point in hanging around.

Jacob grabbed his wrist to stop him, forcing Brian to look at him. “Hey.” He stood up to face him. When Brian looked away he put his other hand gently to his face and turned him until their eyes met. “It’s me. What’re you upset about?”

He looked at his friend, letting the worry show in his face as he said, “he didn’t tell me, really. But he said enough last night to realize I may be in over my head.”

Jacob didn’t bother hiding his confusion. “Bri. Back up. We’re talking about Andy? Why would you be in over your head and what about?”

“I lost my best friend to a war, Jacob. And I’m pretty sure he didn’t come back. At least, not all of him did.” He sighed and said softly, “I’m just worried I might lose him again.”

“Wait a minute,” He tilted his head to the side and regarded Brian intently. “Are you telling me that you’ve been in love with Andy all this time?”

He groaned and muttered, “isn’t it possible he could be my friend and I could still worry about him?” It was a weak attempt to throw Jacob off the scent, but it was the best he had at the moment.

“Oh my God. You are in love with him.”

Brian rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation. “Can we please stick to the matter at hand?”

“Ok. I’m sorry,” Jacob said with only a hint of a smirk. “I don’t want anything to happen to him either. Maybe he could go to the VA and see if they can help him manage his problems. If he has problems.”

“I’m thinking about quitting my job,” he blurted out.

“Why?!”

“So I can be with him full time. We’ve been discussing me moving in. Though we’re talking about getting a different place. Bigger, at least.”

“But, you’re just friends.” Jacob said sarcastically. “Where are you sleeping at his place now?”

“You seriously need to get laid, you know that,” Brian quipped as his eyes narrowed. “Then maybe you won’t be so interested in where everyone else sleeps. I bet I know someone who’d take you up if you offered...”

Jacob gave him a dirty look and then gave in. “Well, it’s your life to do whatever you want with it. Whatever you end up doing and whatever he ends up doing and whatever the two of you end up doing,” He gave Brian a knowing look, “I’ll be here to support you no matter what.”

Brian’s facial expressions went from peeved to a rueful smile slowly lifting one side of his mouth. “Have I ever told you you’d make a great catch for the right person?” He grabbed Jacob by the shoulders and hugged him before kissing him on the lips. “Thanks.”

Jacob chuckled. “You’re welcome. Thanks for the kiss, I guess.”

Brian started walking towards the door. As he grabbed the handle he said with his usual impish grin and playful tone, “welcome, but if you want more, you’re gonna have to ask Kyle to help you out.” Before Jacob could muster a response Brian was out the door and heading home.

****

Later that evening, after dinner, Jacob was sitting quietly in the living room with David while Kyle was up in his room working on something he had brought with him. The evening alone with just the three of them had been quiet and Jacob kept feeling out of place at times. The conversation had been light and no sensitive topics had been broached. David had stayed mostly in one spot most of the day but he was dutifully taking the medications he had been prescribed to keep both of them happy or at least not nagging him.

Jacob was laying back with one of his pads, drawing quietly. He could see David staring at him out of the corner of his eyes but he pretended not to notice, preferring to stay quiet and unobtrusive. David’s eyes went from the baseball game on the television to Jacob and back. The silence wasn’t exactly comfortable and they both knew it. Finally, David could stay quiet no longer.

“So,” he said slowly. “You two are, ‘friends’ now.”

Jacob’s eyes darted over to David and back to his notepad. “Guess so.”

David sighed. “Is that your choice or his?”

Jacob shrugged noncommittally. “Just how it ended up, I guess. No big deal. I told him what happened. I hate talking about it and I pray I never have to again.” He frowned a little, feeling the guilt starting to gnaw at him again.

“Jacob,” he shook his head sadly. “You can’t tell me you don’t still love him. I know better.”

Jacob frowned slightly. “Dad, I appreciate what you’re trying to say. But, eventually, he’s going back to his job and his life and I’m still going to be here. There’s no point in pursuing something we can’t have. Let’s just be happy he’s back and will keep coming back.”

David chuckled softly, “That’s a pretty convincing argument. Almost have me thinking you mean it. Now, you listen to me.” He leaned forward looking at the young man. Jacob’s eyes looking back at him with the trust he’s always had for this man who was a better father now than he could have ever dreamed of having when he was a child despite all of his mistakes. “I loved someone once. But I was afraid of what would happen and all the other things you and him were afraid of long ago. I didn’t get to fix my mistake. You do. Right here and right now. If you just let this go, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I’m not saying that to scare you. I’m telling you that’s how it ended for me. Don’t end up like me. You two could still have a chance to have a family and a life together.”

“And if he tells me that’s not what he wants anymore where i’m concerned,” Jacob asked.

David sat back in his recliner and said with confidence, “then you can at least say you tried.”

Jacob stared at his pad silently before closing it and standing up., “I should get to bed. I have a long drive in the morning. You need anything?”

“I don’t need anything,” he said softly. “What I want is all my boys here in this house tomorrow.”

Jacob smiled softly and said, “I promise I’ll be here.”

“Good,” David grinned. “Goodnight, son.”

“Goodnight, dad.” Jacob exited the room and slowly made his way up the stairs. As he moved down the hall, he stopped at the closed door to Kyle’s room. He stared at it for a moment, thinking to himself. He wanted to say something to him but didn’t know what or how to say it. Everyone keeps telling him what to do or what to say but his heart doesn’t know the words anymore. But, what did he want? He couldn’t tell anymore. He wanted to feel connected again but there was something deep inside him preventing that step from being made. He lifted his hand as if to knock on the door and then stopped himself. If he had nothing to say, he may as well say nothing. He turned and headed to his own room, closing the door behind him.