The Acquittal - 10. Vignette - The Echoing Silence

Jason sat quietly at the small table, staring out the window of the cafe as he waited patiently. He’d been there for half an hour, sipping his cooling tea and thinking about what lay ahead for him. The day had been full with phone calls and interviews while his boyfriend was working. Some decisions had already been made but there was one uncertainty left to settle. It wasn’t something he wanted to do. He’d avoided it for a year but now there was no more backing down. One way or another things were going to be settled.

Maybe it was being so deep in thought that he didn’t see him walk or even realize he was near until he felt a hand on his shoulder and a peck on his cheek. “Hey,” came Kyle’s usual greeting as he slid into the seat across from him. From his animated eyes, his boyfriend had some news to share. He was smiling for a change and it was almost like the smile he fell in love with back in law school. But his smiles rarely ever lit up his eyes like they used to. Jason felt a knot of discomfort start in his stomach. This wasn’t going to be as easy as he thought it was going to be. It never is with Kyle.

“Hey,” he returned with a small, cheerless smile on his lips.

Kyle seemed to not notice as he grinned. “Good news. Looks like next week I’m gonna be going to be a full fledged assistant in the DA’s office.”

Jason blinked in surprise. “Wow. How’d you manage to pull that off after only eight months interning?”

Kyle shrugged and grinned. Jason was mentally cursing. Why does he have to be that charming confident guy now of all times?! “Just lucky, I guess. Also, I think I impressed the boss with my handling of the deposition with that domestic battery case.” After a pause he continued in a more earnest tone. “Do you know what this means? We can actually afford to get a place bigger than a closet. Maybe a new car or newer at least. The salary isn’t much starting out but after a couple years if both of us are holding down jobs then we should be more than set for whatever we want to do. Isn’t that great?”

“Yeah…” Jason replied. “That’s great. Really great.” He wished Kyle’s boss would’ve waited a week.

“Wouldn’t it be great? You, me and Stephanie all working at the DA’s office together?”

“Well, she seems to like it… Did you get anything to drink?”

“Were we staying? I can if you want. You need a refill?”

Jason shrugged. “It’s up to you. I’m fine with whatever.”

Kyle looked at him with a little concern in his eyes. “Is everything okay? You didn’t fail your bar exam or something, did you?”

“No…”

“Is that ‘no, everything is not okay’ or ‘no, I didn’t fail the bar exam?’”

Jason looked down at his nearly empty cup. “I could use a refill…”

Kyle’s cheerful demeanor faded a little as he nodded. “Okay. I’ll be back in a minute.” Jason closed his eyes and sighed. It wasn’t fair that this was happening now, but then maybe it’s payback for all the times Kyle was unfair with him. Two years together and he couldn’t remember a solid six months they were happy together. When Kyle returned with two large mugs he took his seat again, sliding the tea across to Jason. “So, what’s going on?”

Jason tried to remember the script he made in his mind. “I’ve been thinking… We’ve been together all through our time at Dickerson. I still remember the day we met at Penn. Seems like a lifetime ago.”

Kyle’s mood started to fade as his face seemed to go cold. His eyes were fixed on Jason as he braced himself for the same argument that they’ve had for years. “Yeah. I remember too.”

Jason could hear Kyle’s emotions bleed away in those four words. But, he pressed on. “Kyle… this isn’t working for me.”

Kyle blinked, caught off guard. “What do you mean?”

“A couple shares things, Kyle. They trust each other.”

“I trust you.”

“God, I wish that were true.”

“What makes you think I don’t trust you?”

“Kyle…” He sighed. “The guy I met at Penn State, who I used to flirt with constantly, was so sweet and polite. He used to be helpful and loved to talk and laugh and be great to hang with at parties.”

“I’m still that person,” he insisted with a frown.

“Sometimes,” Jason conceded. “But you get into deep funks at times. You become depressed, moody and angry. I stuck with you through all that. But each time it happens, I ask you what’s wrong and you just shrug me off and won’t tell me what’s going on inside.”

Kyle’s eyes started to glance around the room, avoiding Jason’s gaze. “Why are we discussing this? I’m not always in a foul mood. I’ll admit I have some times when I just prefer to be left alone but it’s not like I’m psycho or anything.”

Jason raised his eyes to look back at Kyle as he asked, “would you agree that you were different four years ago compared to now?”

Kyle frowned as his tone became a little more defensive. “What does four years ago matter?”

“Were you interested in me four years ago? I mean, four years ago, would you have expected us to be dating? Living together?”

“No.”

Kyle said it so quickly and with so much certainty he may as well have punched Jason in the chest. He lifted his cup to his lips to mask the wince that came with that hurtful realization. “Why do you suppose that is?”

“Don’t do this…”

Jason couldn’t tell if he was pleading or warning him. “Don’t do what?”

“I’m not interested in talking about my past. Leave it there.”

“If I thought for a minute that your past was in the past, I would. But it hasn’t been. You can’t deny that we live together with this deafening silence that echoes between us. You won’t talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you and no amount of me reassuring you and telling you how much I love you and care about you can get you to open up.”

Kyle sighed in irritation. “Look, I am sorry that I sometimes fall into a funk. I wish there was something I could do about it but it just happens.”

“I’ve asked before. First time I saw you looking so depressed and sad. Like you’d lost your best friend or someone had died.” The sudden tick on the side of Kyle’s lips did not go unnoticed. “See? I just said something that upset you. Something about a best friend maybe? Is that’s what bothers you so much?”

Kyle sat back in his chair and stared down at his coffee. His brown eyes growing colder as he tried to get Jason out of this conversation. “It’s not important. What’s important is you and me.”

Jason had to fight down a laugh and a sob at the same time. “Just you and me, huh? Because you love me?”

“I do. Do you think I’m lying when I tell you that?”

“No…” he replied. “I think you’re lying to yourself.”

Genuine anger marred Kyle’s face as he looked up. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

“You don’t act like a boyfriend most of the time, Kyle. It’s like I’m only allowed to have parts of you. Everything else is closed off. If you love me… If I mean as much as you say I do, you’ll tell me what happened that weekend you were gone.” Jason raised his cup to his lips.

“I’m not understanding how the two things go together. I love you. I’ve told you that more times than I can count. I just told you I got hired on at the DA’s office and I’m going to be a prosecutor and not just an aide or intern. Yeah, it will be awhile until I work up to important cases but I will get there. I’m doing all of that for us. I want us to be together and maybe start a family.”

Jason chuckled ruefully. “Kyle, you’re only twenty-six and I’m twenty-five. We’re not ready to be parents. There’s no way we could afford a baby right now or any time soon. And, to be honest, I’m not wild on the idea of having kids.”

“I didn’t mean today,” he nearly shouted and then suddenly slammed his mouth shut. He sighed and regained his composure. “I’m sorry. You’ve just thrown me off is all.”

If he hadn’t known Kyle for the last five years, he would have been frightened. But he knew while Kyle was a lot of things, he was not violent. “And you’re not answering my question.”

“What question?”

“What happened to you that weekend you were gone?”

“Which weekend? I haven’t left town in years.”

“You know which weekend I’m talking about. Halfway through our first semester at Dickerson. It was a Friday and I went looking for you and your roommate said you took off. I waited and you didn’t show back up until late Sunday night. When you came back you hardly said two words to anyone for like a month. You looked like… like something horrible had happened. I wanted to be a friend for you but you just kept quiet. I let it go, figuring you’d eventually say something. But then we got drunk and ended up in bed together. I think that’s kinda when we started dating, if you wanna call it that.”

Kyle’s world seemed to drop out from underneath him but he wouldn’t let it show. “What would you call what it is we’ve been doing for the last two years,” he asked carefully.

Jason looked down at his drink again and muttered, “That I’ve loved someone who really can’t love me back because he’s so mentally occupied hiding a great gaping wound in his heart that he pretends isn’t there. He’s my friend and my boyfriend and I love him to death but he seems to think I can’t be trusted with the uglier or inconvenient parts of his life.”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe there just isn’t anything to talk about and that’s why I don’t talk about it?”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me nothing happened that weekend. Tell me you didn’t get your heart broken or your feelings hurt so bad you can’t talk about it three years later.”

“Can we just drop this?” He made an exasperated noise and waved his hands. “God, we should be out celebrating with Stephanie right now instead of sitting here drinking coffee and tea and arguing about nothing.”

“Is that your final word on all this?” A part of him hoped Kyle would take this last offered hand of support. This one last chance to really be together.

Kyle shrugged, seeing the easy out and taking it. “Yeah. Let’s just leave the past in the past and enjoy what we have now. So, when do you plan on taking your bar exam anyway?”

Jason looked out the window. He expected it to hurt more and was surprised to feel only a numb sense of loss. Still, he couldn’t look at Kyle without feeling a tear in his eye. “not for another two weeks or so.”

“Why wait? It doesn’t take that long.”

Kyle made his decision. It was time for Jason to make his. “Because I’m not taking it here.”

“Huh?! Where are you taking it?”

Jason closed his eyes not wanting to see Kyle’s hurt expression but this conversation just proved to him he made the right choice. “Illinois.”

“What the hell?! Why would you wanna--” The realization his Kyle full in the face. “Oh. I see.”

“Yeah.”

“So… when are you leaving?”

“Monday. I got a job offer at a firm in Springfield, Illinois. Pay is decent for the area. They already set me up for my exam after they received my records. I’ll be starting out in a pretty low position but I’m going out to visit on Monday to meet the people there and get a feel for the area.”

“Jason…”

“Let it go, Kyle. You made your choice. I’m not doing this because I don’t like you. I love you. But you always have a wall between us. I keep trying to knock it down but it’s so solid I can’t get through it no matter what. I’ve tried for two years in every way I could think of. You’re broken inside and it hurts me to see you hurting. But, you don’t want to tell me and think I just have to live with it. That’s not the kind of life I want to share with someone.”

“Jason…”

“It’s ok. Some things just aren’t meant to be. I fought and I lost. I can accept that. I’m sorry I couldn’t get you to trust me.” He stood up, knowing it was best to not let this linger. “I’m already packed for my trip. I’m gonna be staying with Stephanie until Monday if you wanna come say goodbye before then.” He watched Kyle’s stone cold face stare at the wall and knew that look well enough to know that he would hold it all in until he could be alone. “I hope someday you find someone who you can trust and love like you deserve. You really are the nicest guy I ever met. I’m just not the one for you.”

“Yeah,” Kyle muttered, looking up at him one last time. “I guess I’ll see you around.”

He stood there for a moment longer, hoping that maybe Kyle would try to make an effort but those bright brown eyes told him everything he needed to know. There was nothing left here but half a relationship with someone too stubborn to make the effort to do the right thing. “Goodbye, Kyle.” He walked away and out the door.