My journey through pain - 15. Chapter 15 - Defiance

Hi guys. Yesterday was a very hard but very special day for me. Like I wrote last morning, I woke up after not having slept very much at all and it was very scary because I don’t understand why it happened. I suppose part of it was that I was nervous because I had to travel to another city for a job interview and, because of the anxiety, anything that makes me leave what I consider to be my ‘safe places’ makes me feel very bad. It’s just like the thing I have about not going out at night. If I have to go somewhere I am not familiar with, I feel very vulnerable and I get really scared. I’m working on it, though. And yesterday, even though I thought I wasn’t nervous enough about the trip to lose sleep over the entire thing, it might have definitely contributed.

After I gave up on trying to sleep and got out of bed, I was absolutely terrified, just like I wrote about. Not only had I not rested – in fact I’d had the worst night in quite some time – but I also needed to do something that even under normal circumstances would have made me feel nervous: travel somewhere else for a job interview. I was quite literally trembling as I sat down at my desk to write yesterday’s journal entry. I didn’t want to leave my house, and I didn’t know how on earth I was going to get the strength to go through the day without having slept. The lack of sleep really messes me up emotionally and it makes me feel like I can’t do anything.

But I left. I listened to a podcast in the hour or so it took me to get to my destination. I got there way too early and spent a very stressful half an hour waiting in a restaurant. They had music on and the songs that were playing made me feel even worse because a couple of them were sad. They made me feel like breaking down and crying even though I was in public.

And then… I got angry. I got defiant.

I don’t know how it happened, but something in my mind clicked and, even though I still felt like crap, I decided to kick the day’s ass. And I did.

I had my interview, it went very well. I felt good that I had done that. Then I returned home and the way back was easier. In fact, after I got off the bus and as I was walking home, I even felt a tiny bit proud of myself that I had challenged one of my biggest fears, going places that are unfamiliar, and done a good job of it. After I got home I could have just called it a day – after all, I hadn’t rested very well and what I had just done had taken a considerable amount of effort. But I wasn’t done yet.

I went to the gym even though it was much later than I normally go. That, again, was a challenge for me because if I don’t do my daily routine in the order it’s supposed to be done, I feel scared and I don’t want to do it anymore. If I don’t go to the gym at the exact time in the morning that I go, then part of me thinks that I have blown my chance and I can’t go until the next day. I know it sounds kind of stupid, but from where I stand it feels so definite. If I don’t go at this or that time, then I simply can’t bring myself to do it. But yesterday, I fought against that feeling and right as I came home I changed into my gym clothes and left for the gym. It was hard but I kept walking until I was at the gym. I had a good workout, although I did feel nervous and uneasy at being there at an unfamiliar time. But I was still mad, I was mad at the anxiety. And it reinforced my defiance. I told myself I was going to make this day a very very good one despite the horrible way in which it had started. And so, after finishing my workout I came home, and even offered to work in the afternoon for a couple of hours at my current job for an extra shift that needed to be covered. I had lunch, went to work. I barely had any downtime at all from the moment I started the day in the morning and I think it did me good. In the evening, after my shift was over, I called a friend and went out with him – after dark, despite my fear of darkness. I had fun. I talked with him a little bit about my day, but mostly we talked about whatever and it also did me good.

At night, when I finally came home again, it was cold and dark – but my heart was lighter. I sat in my living room with my little dog and I was exhausted, because I had just had one of the busiest days ever since my journey with this horrible anxiety began, but… I was thankful. And my anxiety had actually diminished, because of everything I had done despite it being so very hard. I cried, but they were good tears. I’d given it everything I had and I did kick the day’s ass. I wasn’t entirely relaxed, but I was relaxed enough to play video games for a little bit before going to bed and actually enjoy the activity. As I climbed into bed, I was very sleepy and I didn’t have any trouble falling asleep.

Today I woke up after about six hours of sleep, which wasn’t nearly enough since I’ve not been sleeping very well, but it’s a huge improvement over yesterday. It’s hard for me, when the morning has just started, to think that another entire day lies before me. As always, I get scared and won’t make it through. I still felt kind of trapped in my bed for a couple of hours and I feel uneasy, nervous, bad. But now, thanks to yesterday’s defiance, I can tell myself: you were able to take a day that started out even worse than today and transform it into a good day. Today should be easier. You can do this. You can do this.