My journey through pain - 21. Chapter 21 - Long hours of night

It’s good to get all these things out, to tell those of us who care. I weep for your pain, my brother. I hold you in my thoughts, hoping for healing. If you did not write, how would we know what to hope for? 

Hi guys. I don’t even know what to say. I’m finding it hard to deal with things as they are now, but I did want to mention that there has been some progress, at least a little bit. Yesterday it took a lot of effort for me to start my day, but I managed. I have begun to understand that one of the things that brings me down so hard is that, in the mornings, my energy levels are really low and I tend to extrapolate and think that I will be feeling so tired for the entire rest of the day, which naturally makes the day seem like an insurmountable obstacle. However, yesterday something interesting happened. I discovered that I had enough energy to go through my day – in fact, my energy levels were… Good, I think. I was able to do all the things I had planned and then some. I was able to do things in the afternoon and evening that, had you asked me in the morning, I would have said no way, there’s no way I can manage – but I did.

One of the things that helped me a lot was yoga. I had my second session yesterday. When I went in I was actually very stressed out, anxious, fearful. The session was challenging, but it was challenging in a good way. I tried to focus on my breathing as I did the different poses, tried to listen only to the sound of the instructor’s voice, and see only what my eyes could show me through the windows of the room, which was a beautiful winter morning under a bright blue sky. I managed to distract myself enough to be mindful every now and then, although I was constantly plagued by bad memories and bad emotions. The fact that I was committed to the session, however, forced me to shove those things aside whenever I could. There was also the fact that some of the poses were really challenging and during those times I really had no mental bandwidth left to worry because my full attention was given to the moment. During the last part of the session, where calm music is played and we meditate, I was able to relax a tiny bit as well. Again, most of the time my mind was still restless and anxious, but a little bit of the time it was not and I could kind of catch my breath emotionally. After I left the session, I realized that I was moving… More softly? More gently? I remember sitting down on a bench under the sunlight and looking up at the sky. I was less panicky, less anxious. I was a little bit less desperate to drown out the thoughts in my mind with a podcast like I normally do. All throughout the remaining hours of the day, this very faint calmness was always with me. It wasn’t a magical cure or anything, but it did help and I am thankful for this.

Later on, and this is something that I am only now recognizing, although I may have talked about this before, is that my energy levels went steadily up until they were at a comfortable level and they stayed there for the remainder of the day. In fact, despite the fact that I only slept for about five hours, I was not sleepy. It was weird. Surely five hours is nowhere near enough sleep? But, if it’s not, then why wasn’t I as awfully tired as that other night when I slept for three hours? I do not have answers to any of this, but I am heartened by the fact that I do appear to be needing less sleep now for whatever reason. I am also coming to terms with a trend that should have been obvious to me, but only now am I internalizing it. Simply put, I am an evening person.

I have always had a very hard time waking up early, even before this rough period in my life again. Mornings have always been challenging, and during the worst of my depression I actually skipped them entirely by waking up around 10 AM, when the morning was all but gone. Right now, though, I cannot do that because I wake up at 5 AM or 6 AM. This means that, for the first couple of hours of every day, not only do I have to deal with bad memories, the aftermath of any nightmares I may have had during the night, and the fear of not having slept enough, but also with the simple fact that I have very low energy and everything takes much more effort than it should. I wonder… Should I begin drinking coffee in the mornings? I normally don’t because I am terrified of growing dependent on any substance, even if it’s just coffee, and also because I usually experience a dip in my energy levels after lunch time, so that’s when I drink a little bit of coffee about once every three days or so. I’m also kind of wary of caffeine because I don’t know if it would just exacerbate my anxiety.

Anyway. As the day progresses, I grow more and more alert. Sometimes I get this energy dip around 1 PM, but I have spoken with other people and many say that it’s around that time that they also feel kind of tired. Coffee does help me deal with this when I feel really tired, but some other days I simply power through. As the afternoon progresses even further, I begin to perk up. I think the reason why afternoons and evenings are my favorite part of the day is because I am fully alert by then. I have the energy and mental acuity to do many things that I simply can’t bring myself to doing the mornings. By then, usually, if I have been doing what I should and keeping busy and being productive, my anxiety levels will have dropped. Yesterday I managed to get to know what I would say was a five out of ten – still uncomfortable, but manageable. That was a huge step from the morning when I was maybe a nine of ten. I used to think that the entire morning person or evening person thing was just made up, but now I think that, in my case at least, there is a direct correlation between my mood and the time of day. It’s heartening on one hand, because I know I can look forward to maybe suffering less and feeling less bad every afternoon. However, it also means that mornings will continue to be tough for me and that I need to find some way to cope.

At least last night I was able to sleep better. I slept for about six hours and dozed in bed for another hour. Something that helped me this time around was focusing on my breathing, but I tried to breathe the way I did in yoga class. Long inhale, exhale. I accompanied the breathing with gentle movements as I was lying on my mattress and it helped a little bit. I’m still anxious today – but I slept more than yesterday and that reassures me. I am learning how to deal with the insomnia when it comes, and little by little I grow stronger and more resilient in the face of adversity like this. Sometimes I get very scared that every day has to be this hard, but the lessons I am learning, tough though they are, will stay with me forever.

I've been trying different amounts of coffee and I discovered that the magical amount is about half a cup taken around 3 PM. It smooths out the energy dip and it does not appear to impede my ability to fall asleep later in the evening. I don't take it every day, and I don't find myself craving it when I don't, which I suppose is a good sign. I'll keep experimenting and see how things turn out.