My journey through pain - 22. Chapter 22 - Statistics

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since the last entry. Things have been… I don’t know. Both good and bad. Throughout that these last few days, I have tried my best to just kind of move on with the days and try to pay less attention to how I feel emotionally all the time. This also included not writing a journal entry in several days, so I could see whether I could just get up in the morning and begin the day. I’m trying to see whether this can help me set my thought patterns on a better track somehow. I’m not sure if I’m being successful.

First, the good things. I think my sleep cycle has stabilized at around 5 to 6 hours per night, which is insanely little compared to before, as I have mentioned several times I think, but all throughout this week I have been sleeping more or less that amount of time and my energy levels throughout the day have been either good or very good. Therefore, I must conclude that that’s all I need and stop worrying about that particular thing. I have also been rather busy all week, having to travel out of town several days in a row, and although the prospect of all this activity generated anxiety for me last weekend, I was able to do everything I had planned without a major panic attack or anxiety crisis. I suppose this is a great step forward because, a few weeks ago, I simply would not have been able to do all of it. I would have shut down and refused to leave my bed. So I think I am continuing to improve in my ability to deal with day-to-day activities, which brings me a measure of comfort because one of the biggest fears I had, and still have, is that all of this anxiety and depression and panic could prevent me from functioning. I do not want that. I’m terrified of thinking that, if I stop being able to do things like going to work, I will fall into a deeper pit than the one I’m in right now and I won’t be able to climb about ever again.

Something else that is positive is that I have developed a pretty sturdy routine for most days, and I no longer feel like I don’t know what to do with myself because I know what the next activity is supposed to be. It not only applies to the mornings, but to the rest of the day as well. This was one of my more important objectives a few weeks ago, and I have accomplished it in a way. My week now has structure, and each one of my days has structure. I am also trying very hard to cultivate flexibility so I can do unexpected things without freaking out that I am veering off the plan, and considering everything I’ve had to do this week which was not planned, I am also doing much better in that regard. A few times this week, maybe two or three, I have actually looked forward to this or that activity that I had planned for later in the day, particularly relaxing things that I enjoy. I have also continued to pursue new and enriching experiences, like going to the fitness dance class and to yoga class, which I have today. I look forward to this class in particular because last week, yoga helped me calm down a little bit.

Nevertheless, my anxiety has fluctuated a lot and the mornings have been rough as they always are. I wake up while it’s still dark out and I know I won’t be going back to sleep again, but I try anyway because I’m terrified of getting up so early. This inevitably leads to troubling thoughts, which in turn make me suffer. Today in particular, I feel as though I’m on the edge of losing my patience. I’m so tired of having to deal with such strong negative emotions in the mornings. It’s been weeks and weeks now of daily disappointment, because I build up a tiny measure of calm throughout the day and a vulnerable but persistent hope as I go to bed: I hope that tomorrow will be better. While later in the day it might actually be thus, in the mornings I always revert to a higher anxiety state and it is debilitating in the long run. I’m trying everything I can to deal with it, but it keeps on happening. This morning, I woke up after a confusing dream that was half nightmare and half memory. As soon as my eyes were open, my anxiety started rising and I barely convinced myself to get out of bed. Why does this happen so consistently? I have changed every variable I’ve been able to think of, and yet the mornings keep on being horrible and painful. I don’t understand. Is this the way it’s going to be forever?

Something I’ve decided to do to help me gain perspective is keeping a detailed record of my mood. I created an Excel file and started ranking how I feel on a scale of 1 to 10 both in the morning and in the afternoon, along with relevant observations, amount of hours slept and so on. I hope to be able to see trends in the data that will allow me to zoom out and really see how I’m doing across time. I’ve only been doing the recording for about a week and a half, but already I find it helpful to look at the graphs (I’m kind of a math nerd, I admit it) and see how things stand. Some of the more obvious things I already kind of knew, but seeing them graphically is a way for me to internalize the information in a different way. These are things like the fact that there is a very noticeable difference between my morning and my afternoon mood, with afternoons being substantially better - my mood averages 6.5 out of ten in the mornings, with ten being unbearable anxiety and zero being total calm, but it averages 3.5 out of ten in the evenings. I am also able to see that there appears to be no direct correlation between the amount of time I have slept and my energy level throughout the day, as long as the amount of sleep exceeds five hours. Another thing that’s clear is the fact that my energy levels in general are quite good… I like statistical analysis. The more data I record, the more helpful it will be and the easier I will find it to discover not only trends but also cause and effect for different things. It’s another way in which I am trying to take control of my own well-being in spite of the cycles and the shifting of my mind. Mental illness is no joke – in spite of all the support I’m getting, and the treatment, and the counseling, and my own efforts, it’s still hard to just get by sometimes. I’m resourceful, however. I think I just need to hang in there and cultivate my patience. I’m learning so much along the way.