My journey through pain - 11. Chapter 11 - Rebuilding a life

Today, the year draws to a close and it’s a time to take stock of everything that’s happened, to look back – but also to look forward, to decide on how to face the road ahead.

This year has been the hardest of my life by far. I have always struggled with some measure of depression and anxiety, but in the last months of the year they were kicked into overdrive by bad things happening in my life and sometimes it’s hard to see the way forward through all of this confusion, fear, and doubt. Not everything has been bad, of course. In fact, I have a lot to be thankful for. I am beginning to reconnect with people, like here for example. I am much closer to my family than I ever was. I am slowly making progress in getting better emotionally, although at times it would seem, from my perspective, that I’m not. I have so many things in my life which are good, that it makes me kind of feel guilty to not be happy all the time, or guilty to feel sad or horribly anxious out of nowhere, like today. It’s not a logical thought, I know. Many of the thought patterns that plague me lately are not logical. All I can do when it gets tough is try and remember all the little bits of wisdom I have gained which can help me deal with my mental health issues, like reaching out, getting busy, exercising, and so on. These last few weeks I have done my very best even though it’s been so hard that, when I look back, sometimes I wonder how I pulled through one particular day or another.

It’s heartening when I have good moments or even good days, but it’s very scary when I have bad days, like today. It’s the end of the year and today I’ve had nothing to do really other than be at home. Inactivity is one of the things that hits me the hardest and I don’t know how to deal with it yet. I woke up already worked up with awful anxiety derived from my troubled dreams, the fact that I have not been sleeping well and am thus already tired even after just waking up, and just the prospect of the day ahead. I don’t know what to do with myself and that just makes me feel worse. I suppose today it’s compounded by the fact that it’s the end of 2018. I’m also really tired, physically tired, so my usual technique of finding stuff to do and getting busy around the house is not working because I just don’t have the energy today. I took a nap in the middle of the day and it was not good. I had a nightmare and woke up even worse than before. I’m struggling just to get through the day and this time I’m taking to sit down and write is demanding such focus and strength from me that I am doubting whether this post will end up making sense or just be a rant of some sort – if so, please excuse me. Some days, it feels like my thoughts go around in circles and I can’t stop the cycle matter how hard I try.

I know time will help me heal, as will following the advice of my psychiatrist and applying all of the techniques I have been learning to help me cope when my anxiety is off the charts. Some days, though, like today, it’s hard to find patience because I am hurting emotionally and it kind of feels as though I was hurting physically too, and that this animal part of me just wants it to stop no matter what. I don’t like bad days – I guess no one does. It’s terrifying, though, to think that maybe tomorrow will be another one. And maybe the day after, too. Those thoughts are not helpful and I try to chase them away, but doing so takes energy and today in particular I feel quite spent. The Christmas family reunions took a lot out of me because I needed to try and be positive and upbeat even though I wasn’t feeling like that at all. Now, things are back to normal and the family visits are over, so it feels as though I can finally relax – only I can’t. I have all of this pent-up uneasiness bubbling inside me and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I don’t know how to calm down.

But even so, even though today is a rather tough day, I want to look to the new year with hope. The bad things in my past I cannot change. But what I can change is my awareness of them. All of my hard work of the past few weeks in particular has not been in vain. I think I’m beginning to obtain some perspective, and as I grow better at using my toolkit of techniques to deal with the onset of an anxiety attack or a full-blown panic episode, these events grow less frequent. I am also free in many ways now, free of some of the negative influences in my life, and I can decide my way forward on my own, with the support of people who love me. I must also remember that healing is not a linear, predictable process. I will have bad days and good days, and I should learn to be thankful of the good ones and patient with the bad ones. As long as I work a little bit every day at laying the groundwork to my new life, I will rebuild it eventually and it will become a safe place again, a place of happiness and purpose. I must not give up.

This experience has also made me very keenly aware of the strength of others around me. I know people who have gone through hard times, and they have come out stronger on the other end. I am amazed at the resilience and indomitable spirit of other human beings and I am inspired by the great things others have accomplished despite the vicissitudes of life. I was hearing a podcast today on my way back from the gym, and one of the things they said resonated with me: The way some of us give meaning to our lives, myself included, is by connecting with others and by… Carrying on. Life goes on and so must we, and any help we can give one another if we happen to meet along the journey gives greater meaning to our own existence. Right now, I’m in a place where all I can really do is ask for help and reach out in hopes of connecting with others. Some day, though, when I am well again emotionally and I have reached a level of stability that I can only dream of right now, I would like to pay it back. I would like to help others as others have helped me. Because through all of this turmoil, this pain which to me seems so enormous and all-encompassing at times, I have learned valuable lessons, the greatest one of which is compassion. In suffering, I am learning deep compassion for the suffering of others. I would like to help in any way I can. And so today, with this rough year coming to a close, instead of giving into despair or negativity, I want to work on rebuilding my life so that one day I can help others do the same if they happen to need my help.

Sorry for this rather long, meandering entry. I really felt like I needed to write it down. The end of the year is an emotional time for many of us, and for me in particular, this particular New Year’s Eve has proven challenging. Nevertheless, I have a lot of hope for the future and I would like to wish you all the very best for this coming year. Your comments and the mere fact that you might read this means more to me than I can express in words.

Happy new year, everyone!

-Albert