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The content presented here is for informational or educational purposes only. These are just the authors' personal opinions and knowledge.
Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

My journey through pain - 10. Chapter 10 - Not alone

Hi, everyone. I won’t lie – it’s been a rough week. Going into stores or shopping malls, it’s hard to avoid the sensory overload from the barrage of Christmas stuff going on. I’m one of those people that, for one reason or another, has formed negative associations with this time of the year because of things that have happened, sometimes many years ago. It’s hard to be cheerful at the best of times, but this year in particular it’s hit me at a time when I’m already emotionally unstable. At times it feels like it’s simply too much and I’m on the verge of shutting down somehow. Too many memories. Too many emotions, most of them negative. And the anxiety is the sizzling background to it all, blurring the outlines of my fears and making them fuse together into larger beasts.

But there are things to be grateful for, and each day, each minute, is a new opportunity to live life in a different way. To look at things from a different perspective. Today, on Christmas Eve, I have looked around me and realized something incredibly important. I am not alone. I may no longer have a partner, sure, but I still have my family and we are together, a beautiful and priceless thing which I treasure. They are supporting me through these rough times, and I know I can count on their unconditional love. I give thanks for this. I also give thanks for the fact that I can write on here, post my thoughts, and be reminded that there are others out there who are kind enough to read what I have written, and sometimes reach out to me with words of compassion, understanding, and encouragement. It is almost a miracle to me to feel this sense of kinship with others, and it makes me want to keep on writing. Perhaps, once I am better, I will even begin to write fiction again. It’s something I miss dearly, but I also know it’s something for which I’m not ready yet because it requires for me to put my heart and soul into something, and right now those bits of me are undergoing maintenance. Heh.

In any case, I wanted to take some time today to write and say thank you for reminding me that I am not alone. I lived with someone who was not good for me for many years, isolating myself steadily from everyone around me but him, and it was then that I was alone, even though I may not have realized that at the time. Now, though, I am beginning to reach out again and I am finding such wonderful love and compassion from people around me that all I can say is thank you. There are still many challenges ahead, and getting through the day is still hard for me, but I am working very hard on getting better and, just as winter cannot last forever, so too will these hard times one day lie behind me. If I do things that help me each and every day, I will surely get better. Posting my thoughts here on GA, for example, has become something I look forward to, one of my lifelines for when things get tough. Thank you so very much. I wish you all a wonderful time and peaceful nights, particularly this one. Thank you for making me feel that I am not alone.

-Albert

Copyright © 2018 albertnothlit; All Rights Reserved.
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The content presented here is for informational or educational purposes only. These are just the authors' personal opinions and knowledge.
Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Valkyrie
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You are most definitely not alone, Albert :hug:  I'm sorry you had a rough week, but this post is full of hope.  You're already climbing your way out of this and that's something to be proud of.  Merry Christmas :hug:  I wish you continued healing and peace for the new year and always :hug: 

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Jdonley75

None of us are truly alone.   I have my family and I have my faith.  I have people I work with who respect me and care about me.   And you are not alone either.  You might not like some of the memories of the past when it comes to the holidays but that just means there's space in your heart to create new memories this time around.  To find new reasons to smile and to laugh.  Throw out the past with its pain and misery and embrace the good things you have around you now.   Deny that abusive man from your past one more victory over you and truly celebrate a new beginning in your life instead of mourning what's been lost.

 

So many other things I want to say. lol.  

 

You're well on your way, Albert and I am so happy for you.  You might think all you have left are the ashes of your past but before long I just know a phoenix will arise from them and it is going to be a beautiful moment to behold.

 

 All my love and thoughts for you for a wonderful holiday tomorrow. :heart: :hug:

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GanymedeRex

You are making progress, Albert!  I'm very pleased to see this (see the contents of my first comment to you 'you are not alone'.   It was great to see you've written those words.   Christmas is a difficult time for many and increased depression is noted now due to expectations of the holiday and the winter solstice (seasonal affective disorder).

 

Remember that depression is highly coincident with anxiety disorder and that depression is a mood disorder AND a THOUGH disorder.  I see it in many of your posts run on and relentless thinking (a lot of brooding).  I do the same when I get depressed.

 

You are  making progress!  I do think it is a good time to try fiction, perhaps a character with depression?

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

 

Have a blessed Christmas.   I will continue praying for you (You are on our church's prayer list as "Albert" and have been for weeks)    I'm going to Jerusalem on a pilgrimage this Thursday.  I will put a prayer for you into the western wall.

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albertnothlit

Guys, thank you so much... I don't even know what to say - I'm very moved. Jdonley - the image of the phoenix made me choke up, it's such a beautiful thought. It reminds me that each day is an opportunity to be reborn, to let go of the past and start the first chapter of a new life, with more wisdom, more compassion, more love. Thank you. I'm trying to create new memories to replace the old ones, and even though it's hard, I am making progress. It may be a while before these wounds have healed, but I know they will. 

GanymedeRex - I'm beyond thankful at hearing you've thought of me and prayed for me. I teared up after reading your comment. Sometimes this disorder and these brooding thoughts make me think that I don't deserve love, or the good things that come my way. Whenever someone does something nice for me, my first instinct is to feel guilty, to think 'this person should have done this nice thing. I'm not worth it.' Nevertheless, now in these hard times I am rediscovering my faith. I thought I had lost it, thought I'd become so jaded by my fears of the world that there was no room in it for belief and humility and love. And yet now that I need it the most, it's come back to me. I'm a bit uncertain on how to pray, how to connect again with God since it's been so long, but I'm so very thankful for the love I've felt, and which I'm still feeling, everywhere I look. Thank you, and I wish you a wonderful pilgrimage.

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Fae Briona

I can relate this year.  I always get more depressed from around Thanksgiving through New Year's Eve and this year, with the recent death of my boyfriend, the relentless cheer of Christmas can be difficult.  Sometimes, it's not "day by day" but "hour by hour".

Florence &  The Machine has a song with a couple of lines I like listening to when things are bad - Delilah, from the album High as Hope (entire album is about a journey through self-healing".  The refrain is: 'Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine (Maybe not tonight)" 

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albertnothlit

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Fae. Those are lovely lyrics you mention, and very true. Maybe not tonight... but one day. I can totally understand 'hour by hour'. At times, for me, it's minute by minute... but we're still here, and we're gonna be fine. I need to start believing that (and listen to that song).

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