My journey through pain - 18. Chapter 18 - The daily fight

I wonder whether anxiety follows any sort of rules. It’s not very likely, and I suppose that’s part of the reason why it’s so hard to fight against it. You may be doing okay and then suddenly you are not – sometimes there is a reason but other times there isn’t and it’s very confusing. Sometimes it feels like fighting anxiety is like fighting the hydra. Seven new fears rise from the vanquished one. Everyday’s a tough battle. Sometimes I win, more often I lose, but even when I lose I make sure to do much as I can to at least look back on the day without regret, and to give myself the best possible chance at having a better day tomorrow.

I think I am beginning to come to terms with my new sleep schedule. It’s still a big factor in my not feeling so great and triggering the waves of anxiety, but I have now gathered more data and it appears that sleeping around seven hours is all I need. That’s good, because it means that even if I wake up super early, or at least what would have appeared super early to my previous self a few months ago, I have still rested enough or nearly enough for my energy levels to be good throughout the day, or at least sufficient. This is something that is very good because it is helping me to not stress out so much about sleep, which itself can cause problems with more insomnia. The nights have not been perfect, of course. I have modified a couple of variables here and there every night to see what works and what doesn’t and I now have a rough guide of how best to fall asleep and, more importantly, how to go back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night. Progressive relaxation and prayer are my best tools for calming down, as well as just hugging and petting my small dog, who will start the night sleeping at my feet, but he seems to know when I start to feel anxious because he will settle down much closer to me in the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes he curls up right next to my face. As the days go by, I am becoming a little bit more adept at having a restful night, which in turn allows me to focus on other things and have a more rewarding day despite how I may be feeling emotionally.

Nevertheless, my anxiety levels will spike seemingly at random some days. Yesterday, I could literally feel the anxiety bubbling more and more in my chest, its level rising from the moment I woke up. It was weird, because there had been no particular external trigger, and nevertheless I began to feel awful. I got scared of leaving my house and I didn’t want to do my daily activities, like going to the gym or going to work. It felt as though I had just been told something horrible was going to happen to me later that day, only I didn’t know when – and, despite the dread of expecting that horrible thing, I was also supposed to just go on with my day and relax and smile and to the gym here and put a lot of effort there and so on and so forth. That’s the way anxiety feels for me sometimes. It’s like living under the sword of Damocles all the time. I know I have mentioned this before, and I do apologize if some of my entries in this journal appear to just rehash topics that have already been discussed or whatever, but for me they are still very real and each time they hit me it feels bad. When the anxiety levels rise, I can barely think of anything else. And yet…

Yesterday morning I didn’t want to do any cardio, because I fear the freedom it gives my mind to just wander and latch on to whatever negative thing comes first. But I started anyway, and as I was swimming, I decided to tell myself something. You’re okay. You’re not in danger. You’re okay. I didn’t believe it at first because I literally felt as if I were in danger. The stress circuits in my body are faulty and they will not turn off easily. When the anxiety is strong, it’s not only in my mind anymore. There are physical reactions to the emotion that further strengthen it and make it seem more real, like the danger is right around the corner and I am powerless to do anything about it. My heart rate increases, my blood vessels constrict. Cortisol and adrenaline levels are high. There’s a bunch of other physiological changes as my body prepares for fight or flight from – from nothing. From a ghost. From a thought.

Therefore, I decided to fight that thought with another thought. You’re okay. You’re okay. I repeated it again and again like a mantra as I swam around in the pool. If my anxiety had been at maybe an eight out of ten when I started, I managed to get it down to something like a six out of ten when I finished. I took a shower, and went into the gym proper to lift some weights. I started listening to a podcast episode from my favorite show. It’s called Gastropod, and it’s all about the history and science behind food. It’s fascinating, well-researched, funny… but there are new episodes every two weeks only, and so I was saving them for when I felt better. I had actually started to listen to this one episode on sugar and soda a month ago but I stopped because I felt miserable and I wasn’t really enjoying it. So yesterday, I kind of got angry again, angry at myself and mostly at the anxiety. And I decided to give that episode a listen even though I wasn’t feeling great.

It sounds so trivial. It’s such a tiny thing. But to me it was a really big gesture of defiance, and actually, as I listened to the episode while lifting weights, I found I could concentrate more on its content this time around. Not only that, but, as I heard the segment I had already listened to a month ago, I realized that, despite the anxiety levels, my frame of mind is better. I don’t get such horrible negative associations at hearing this word or that word which might tangentially remind me of the bad things that happened in my life. I am able to focus a lot more in what is being said, which is a huge improvement from the way I listen to podcasts a month ago or two months ago when this all started to go really bad. I barely heard the words back then– I only needed the distraction and the comfort of listening to another human voice I suppose. Now, I was actually paying attention to the data and learning, which is what I love most about that show and the others I listen to. I can always learn something new and it enriches my day and my life.

When I left the gym, my anxiety was maybe at a four out of ten. It then rose back up, but I was angry at it and I kept telling myself: you’re okay. You’re safe. You’re not in danger. I repeated it again and again and again. I was pretty anxious by the time I had lunch, but during my workday I put a lot of effort into doing a good job and I had the satisfaction of having a couple of very fun classes with my students, the kind where everyone has fun, even me. In the evening, at dinner time, my emotions were still a total seesaw. I got super anxious over a phone call I received, but then my anger at the anxiety resurfaced and I purposefully had a very nice and delicious (but small) dinner. I watched my favorite show, I played with my dog, I spoke with my family. I even joked a little. I did all of this while shoving the anxiety to the side and I was successful. I still don’t really know how I managed or whether I’ll be able to replicate the same thing today, but it was a very significant victory for me, because it shows me that I can have a rewarding day, even a fun day, despite the tides of my mind. Today I am also anxious, but after taking the time to write all of this down, I am recalling what I did yesterday and I want to do something similar today, even though, as always, the prospect of an entire day seems insurmountable and part of me is terrified that I won’t make it. But I just need to keep reminding myself that I’m okay. I’m okay. I don’t need to be scared or anxious. I’m okay. And if fighting anxiety is like fighting the hydra – heck, I’ll be Hercules.