My journey through pain - 14. Chapter 14 - Mornings, part two

Healing isn’t always a linear process. At least in my case it isn’t. I feel very confused and scared because, after that wonderful night I had a few days ago, the anxiety has come back stronger than ever I think. And I don’t know why.

It all started two days ago. I woke up and, out of the blue, I felt like I used to feel a couple of weeks ago. It was way too early – everything was still dark in my window, but as soon as I opened my eyes I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. Lying in my bed, I was bombarded with horrible thoughts and memories. I tried to pray, like I have learned how to do to try and distract myself long enough to fall back to sleep, and I was kind of successful in that I dozed off a little bit. All throughout the day, though, I felt myself getting more and more anxious and there was no reason for it. In fact, I had expected the opposite – I would be feeling a little bit more stable. The anxiety scared me and it started the loop that I have come to know so well. By that night, even though I managed to fall asleep relatively soon, I already feared having another bad morning and, sure enough, I did. Yesterday morning was horrible. I had a bad panic attack for the first time in weeks. I woke up even earlier than the day before and, as I tossed and turned in bed, I was besieged by memories of my life as it was before the bad things happened. The bad memories hurt, but the good memories hurt even more. I tried to pray but I couldn’t focus. I got steadily more and more desperate as around me the darkness turned into the gray light of dawn. I remembered how I felt a month ago each and every single morning and I was terrified that it was happening again. I felt powerless, trapped. My bed turned into a prison that I couldn’t escape. I could not be comforted, even though I called my family and even though later I had a session with my psychiatrist. I started crying in powerless rage and fear that my mornings would always be like this. I realize I was – I am – catastrophizing, but I couldn’t stop it. In the end, as soon as my alarm went off I got out of bed and started the day even though I felt like crap. I tried to remember what I have learned about being okay with not being okay and it sort of carried me through the day, even though it was very very hard. I went to work and put a lot of effort into it. I exercised, I socialized a little bit. I made sure to do some of the activities that distract me when I feel down, like taking my dog out for a walk. In the middle of the day I was tired, but when I tried to take a nap I realize I was way too anxious and all I did was recall the horrible helplessness of the morning so I didn’t sleep and just went about the day.

I was successful, but it was very hard. At night, when I am normally more calm, I prepared myself to go to bed with great care, making sure not to eat too much right before, avoid sugary foods, do things that are calming, and so on and so forth. But, as I was falling asleep, a mosquito woke me up and it shattered my apparent calm like brittle glass. Such a tiny thing, yet so devastating. In the time it took me to try and get rid of the bug, any sort of inner peace had left me completely. I wasn’t even able to find it, and I just went back to bed hoping it wouldn’t bother me anymore, which it did. The fact that my… I don’t know how to call it, I guess my sleeping ritual, had been interrupted, was horrible. I felt my anxiety tick up higher every second. My body temperature rose as I lost the sleepiness I had so carefully built up. For the first time in many weeks now, the fear came to me that I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and it is a horrible fear because it is self fulfilling.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I dozed off a few times but it was seven hours of torturous tossing and turning in bed. I was hot one minute, cold the next. I couldn’t find a comfortable position. I was very anxious that, the longer I spent without sleeping, the more tired I would be in the morning. Whenever I finally did manage to doze off for a little bit, I had very troubling dreams. The last one jolted me awake and I can still feel the sadness and fear the dream brought with it. My psychiatrist has told me that, whenever I have bad nights like those, I should just get up and do something, but it was way too early again and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I waited in bed for a little bit but couldn’t take it. I called a friend in desperation and told him how I was feeling. He was worried and offered to come visit me despite the fact that he was already getting ready for work but the thought of inconveniencing him like that terrified me. I got out of bed before my alarm went off, but right now, as it is morning, I am very scared. Since I didn’t sleep well at all, I know I’m going to be tired well today and when I am tired I can’t fight against the bad thoughts. Memories keep bombarding me every few minutes and I don’t understand. I know healing is not a linear process, but when things like this happen, I don’t know what to do. I have been working very very very hard to be better and having a sleepless night seems to throw everything out the window. I know I mustn’t lose perspective. Just one sleepless night does not mean that I will never be able to sleep again. But for three days now I’ve been feeling steadily worse and I fear I’m going back into that dark pit. Each time I feel a little bit of my inner strength erode away and I don’t want that. I want to work to get better. I had been making such great progress. This might just be a little blip in the road, but right now it doesn’t feel that way at all. I’m scared this won’t stop. I can’t control my anxiety levels when they get like this, and it spills over into my entire life. Today in the early morning, I couldn’t even pray. It’s like I had forgotten. Even remembering to call a friend took me several hours even though he had said I could call anytime, day or night. But when you’re trapped in your own bed in the darkness of the night, knowing you should be sleeping but you can’t, all you can see are the monsters around you.

I’m not giving up, though. Yesterday it was hard, but I managed to work and to have a productive day. Today it’s even harder, but I’m going to give it my best shot. I have already started. I am going to try to accept that I will be tired and not feeling great this entire day. Despite that, I’m going to carry out all my activities just as if I were feeling great. That way, when nighttime comes, I might have something to look back on and feel good about. Perhaps that way I’ll be able to sleep again. Perhaps that way my mornings will stop being so awful, so full of fear and horrible anxiety. I don’t know if it’ll work. But I have to try.