Noah and Jordan - 31. Chapter Thirty-One

*** NOAH ***

He came all this way. He drove two hours to be here. He’s clearly worried. He won’t reject me. He won’t. He’s my brother. He loves me.

I hope after this he still loves me.

“Hey,” I say getting into my brother’s car when he pulls up to the airport.

“Hey. How are you?”

“I’ve had better days,” I say cautiously. “Thanks for coming to get me.”

“You really scared the shit out of me last night. I honestly thought you had done something to yourself. What in the world is going on? Why didn’t you call me?” he asks the minute I buckle in. I guess he doesn’t know.

“I um … I just wasn’t in the right state of mind. What did parents tell you?” I ask. I’d rather first know what parents told him, before I tell him my side of the story.

“At first, they wouldn’t tell me anything! I had to force it out of them. But eventually they told me that you came out to them last night.”

He does know. “I did. They didn’t take it so well.”

“No, I gather they didn’t.”

“And how do you feel?” I ask nervously. This is the moment of truth. “Are you also angry that I’m gay?” I need to say the word. I need to take ownership of that word.

He quickly looks my way before looking back at the road. “You’re my brother, and I love you no matter what. Nothing is going to change that, not even this. So, no I’m not angry. I’ve had some time to think about it and digest the news. If I’m being honest, I’m not thrilled. It’s not how I pictured your future. And I think you know this better than I do, but it’s not going to be easy for you. Mom’s family is crazy. And I do worry about what this means for you in the afterlife. That all said, I still love you, and I will support you however I can.”

I feel like I can finally breathe again. It's not perfect, but he still loves me. And I love him. I’m not alone.

“Thank you. Honestly, you don’t know how much your support means to me, how much I needed to hear that right now.”

“Truth be told, I kind of had a feeling you might be gay, but I wasn’t really sure.”

“How did you know?” I ask.

“I don’t know, there was just something. You never seemed really in to girls or dating. And then some of the things you said. It was a guess. I wasn’t really sure, so I never said anything. How come you never told me?”

“I wasn’t sure how you would react. I was afraid to lose you and the kids.”

“You’ll never lose us, Noah. You know the kids adore you.”

“I know. And I love them too.”

“So, what exactly happened with parents? I heard their version last night. Dad said they were supportive, that they reached out to you. Mom said you weren’t listening, you were rude, and being argumentative. I doubt that’s accurate.”

I could almost laugh! They pinned it all on me. “That’s not what happened.” I take him through how it all unfolded. “And basically, she said either I change, or I’m dead to them.”

“That’s horrible, I’m sorry, Noah. She shouldn’t have said that. I actually think it’s kind of sad that I’m not surprised by Mom’s reaction.”

“It is what it is. I can’t change his or her views.”

“Though, I will say this, Dad did seem genuinely worried. He didn’t sleep at all last night.”

He didn’t seem to be too worried when Mom was yelling at me in the kitchen.

“What about Mom?” I ask.

“Mom … she just thinks you’re being dramatic. She feels you’ll come back on your own.”

“She’s wrong.”

“We’ll figure all that out later. Right now, there are a million questions going through my head. I don’t even know where to begin. But first, when did you realize you’re gay?"

“That’s a long story …”

“And we have a long drive ahead of us.”

“All right, so it all started when I was in high school …” I recount the whole story from the beginning, then how I met Jordan, how we got together (I leave out the Sebastian stuff), how we moved in together, mom’s visit, my decision to break up, and what happened after.

“You should have come to me for help, Noah. I’m your brother. I would have been there for you,” he says. “Honestly, I’m really disappointed in you.”

“I know, I know. I just … I was scared.”

“Were you seriously thinking of hurting yourself?”

“For a moment, yeah … but then I thought about you, and the kids and I … I knew I couldn’t. I can’t do that to you or them.”

“All of us would be devastated. The kids need their Uncle Noah. And I need my brother. Who else am I going to call when my wife annoys me,” he says with a smile.

“That’s true.” My brother rarely complains about his wife. They’re a good match.

“If I ever hear that you’re thinking of hurting yourself, then I am going to find you and hurt you myself. Got that?” he says with a stern voice.

“Yes.”

“So, going back to what you were saying before … you seem to really like this Jordan,” my brother says.

“I loved him … I still do.” I say.

“Do you know where he is now?”

“He’s back home. Jenn still talks to him, but we don’t discuss him. It’s just too painful.”

“I get that. But do you think, now that you’re out, that perhaps you could get back together?”

“The thought crossed my mind. But to be honest, I’m not sure. I hurt him really badly. I don’t know if he would ever take me back.”

“He might. It sounds like he really liked you too.”

“He did. But I really made a mess of everything. And I don’t know, maybe he’s moved on.”

“Maybe he has, and maybe he hasn’t. There is no harm trying.”

“I could get rejected.”

“Or you could get back together,” he points out.

“True. We could.”

–––  

Nothing cheers you up like a pair of screaming children who are over the moon to see you. The minute I walk into the door, they practically drag me into their room to show me their toys and all of their cool stuff. My sister-in-law comes and saves me.

“Ok, let Uncle Noah go and at least use the washroom, and freshen up,” she says.

The kids are off from school for the summer, and so are my brother and his wife. Both are teachers at local schools. He teaches math and she teaches science. They met in university and have been together ever since. After they got married, they lived with my parents for a while to save money. Soon after I left for university, they moved to this small town in the mountains. It is a spectacularly beautiful place, but quite small and isolated. There are only a few thousand people here. My brother has always loved the country; he is not an urban kind of guy. I am the exact opposite.

During the car ride, my brother and I decided I would not tell the children anything about my sexuality. They’re too young. My nephew is only four, my niece three. I think these are concepts that are a bit too complex for them at the moment. When they’re a bit older I’ll tell them. As for my sister-in-law, my brother filled her in last night. She has no issues.

I also asked him about the comment he made a few weeks ago when I told him I should as a joke tell Mom I’m gay. He said perhaps things have gone too far. He didn’t remember making the comment. He thought maybe he misspoke or that I misheard. It’s possible. He assured me he does not have any issues with people who are gay. And I believe him.

I also called my sister while in the car. I brought her up to speed with everything that’s going on. And I came out to her. My brother’s reaction gave me confidence that she too would be okay. And she was. She was surprised, but not really all that shocked to hear my news. Like my brother, she too had an inkling that I could be gay, but wasn’t really sure. Her reason – I don’t like Jenn that way. She was convinced we’re soul mates. And the only logical explanation for us not being together was either I’m gay or she’s a lesbian. Turns out she was right. I’ll make sure I tell Jenn that, she’ll have a good laugh. At least I can say both of my siblings are with me. That means a lot. My sister also said she will call and have a word with my mother. I tell her to go ahead, but I doubt that will help.

Once we arrive, I spend most of the day playing with the kids. I must say, seeing them restores my faith in humanity. They are so innocent and pure. They have no malice in their hearts; they just love you purely and without any conditions. If only adults could learn from children. In the afternoon I take them to the park for a while. I watch them as they run around and play, scream, laugh, and giggle. There is no way you can’t be happy watching them. And as I said before, this place is absolutely beautiful. In the backdrop you can see the mountains. I could just sit here and look at the scenery all day. But eventually I have to take them back. The kids have to eat!

When we return, I notice my brother is on the phone. My sister-in-law takes the children into the family room. He covers the phone with his hand and mouths the word ‘Mom’. He puts it on speaker.

“I just can’t believe your brother would betray his family like that,” my mom says.

She’s one to talk about betrayal.

“He didn’t betray anyone,” he says. “You can’t choose who you love.”

“Don’t tell me you believe in that nonsense. We can get Noah the help he needs. We can cure him. All he needs is prayer.”

None of this shocks me. It is what I expected.

“This isn’t a disease; he doesn’t need to be cured. He needs your love. I know you’re not okay with homosexuality, but didn’t God also say to love your children?”

“I still love him, he’s my son. He is the one who clearly doesn’t love us anymore. And I can’t believe you’re encouraging his behaviour. Don’t you love your brother?”

There are many words I would use to describe how my mother feels about me, and love is definitely not one of them. If that’s love, Lord have mercy on all of us.

“Of course I do, that’s why I’m supporting him.”

“Then talk some sense into him. His life will be ruined this way!”

I make my way to the door. I can’t listen to this again.

“Mom, I’ll talk to you later,” my brother says. He can tell this is quite upsetting.

“Still think she’ll come around?” I ask him when he hangs up.

He shakes his head. “I don’t know man … I don’t know.”

*** JORDAN ***

I’m addicted. All week long I text Brody. Even when I’m at work I have my phone out every few minutes. My boss caught me once and told me to put it away. We’re not supposed to be on our phones while working. But I just can’t help myself!

There is just something about him that makes me feel good about myself. He makes me happy. And I deserve to be happy. Aiden is right. Moving on doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m not cheating on Noah. That ended a long time ago. It’s time to move on.

It feels like it takes forever for Friday night to arrive. I’m excited to see him again, though a bit worried as well. It’s our second date and Brody may expect more. Am I ready to give him more? Don’t get me wrong I would love to see what is under that suit (or maybe fool around while he is still wearing that suit) but I’m scared. I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready.

I meet Brody for dinner and a movie. In the theatre we sit close, sharing a bucket of popcorn. I know the world probably doesn’t know we are on a date, but it feels great to be out in public with him and not worry. I’m not looking over my shoulder, or wondering how he feels. I am just me, pure and simple.

Once the movie is over, he invites me back to his place. He has a condo all to himself. I decide there is no harm in having a drink. I don’t want to lead him on, but I don’t want him to think I’m not interested in him either.

“You have a lovely place,” I say.

“Thanks.”

“And you say junior investment bankers don’t make much.”

“And now you know where all of that money goes. What can I get you to drink?” he asks.

“Whatever you’re having.”

He grabs a bottle of wine, two glasses and sits down beside me on the sofa. “Cheers.”

“Cheers,” I say.

We continue to talk while sitting side by side. He places his hand on my leg and starts to rub it back and forth. His other hand casually touches my arm, his foot brushes past my foot. He is very, very affectionate and sensual. He knows how to push all the right buttons. My dick is starting to get hard. When the wine is gone, he leans in and kisses me. The feeling of his lips on mine is electrifying. It sends a jolt through my body. I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time. Though if I had to compare … No! Not doing that. Moving on!

We start to make out heavily. He places his hand on the back of my head, and another around my waist as he pushes into me. I can’t get enough of him, and he can’t get enough of me. We move closer as our tongues intertwine. There is so much passion in me it feels as if my body will burst. At some point in time we fall back onto the sofa; I am on the bottom, he is on top. We continue to kiss, his lips exploring every part of my mouth. When we break it off, he smiles back at me, his hair falling to his forehead. Damn that smile is something else.

Seconds later we are back at it again, two hungry animals, itching to get closer and closer. Midway through the kiss I can tell he is trying to unbutton my shirt. That’s when I break off the kiss and sit up.

“Brody, I … I think we should wait,” I say panting. I’m still trying to catch my breath.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asks confused.

“No, no. You didn’t. That was amazing.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I really like you.”

“I like you too,” he says with a smile.

“And as much as I really want to do this … I think it’s better if we wait a bit.” As much as I want to be, I’m just not there yet.

“Oh.” He looks disappointed.

I realize I should be open and honest with him. “It’s not you … I’m just … I was in a really serious relationship. We broke up not that long ago. And I … I just don’t want to rush things with you.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I’ve moved on,” I quickly add. “He is my past, so that won’t be an issue. But in terms of us … I’d prefer if we went a little slow, at least for now, if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s fine. I don’t want to rush you into anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“Thank you. It’s just that it really took a huge toll on me and … I need to be a bit more careful this time.”

“Of course. I understand.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. If you don’t mind me asking, why did you break up?”

“Because he didn’t want to come out, ever. His parents are super religious and he knew they wouldn’t understand. So, he said he would go back to dating girls to make them happy.”

“That’s seriously messed up.”

“It is.”

“Was he out to other people though?” Brody asks.

“No one, even his best friend didn’t know. She only found out after I started dating him. It’s a rather bizarre story actually how that all happened.”

“Now I’m intrigued.”

Probably not the best story to be telling a guy I like. “It’s not that interesting.”

“I’m curious. And it’s okay, you can tell me.”

Okay. Here goes. “So, I met him in English class and we became friends. I met his best friend and we started dating —”

“Wait, I thought you just said his best friend is a girl?”

“Yeah, she is.”

“So, you were dating girls before?” Brody asks.

“Yes.”

“How long ago was this?” he asks confused.

“Last fall,” I say.

“Oh, so recently.”

“Yup. I’ve only been dating guys for a short period of time.”

“A recent convert,” he says with a smile.

“Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, I was dating his friend, and to make a long story short I started having feelings for him and he started having feelings for me. The two of us were in the same English class and we were working on a project together. Oddly enough, it was about the book ‘Mrs. Dalloway’ by Virginia Woolf. Have you read it?”

“No,” Brody says.

“Oh, you should. It’s great. It explores gay themes. So yeah, we ended up dating and I broke it off with his friend. That was really awkward.”

“Yeah, I bet she probably hates you.”

“Well, not quite. We actually are very good friends now.”

“This is a bizarre story. How did that happen?” he asks. “I’ve never been good friends with my exes.”

“Well, she hated me at first, but you know, my awesome charm won her over,” I say with a laugh. “All joking aside, I don’t know. It took a long time. It was very slow and gradual. It wasn’t easy.”

“So, in terms of the guy … you were each other’s firsts?”

“Yep … or, well, technically … there was another guy …”

“Wait, now this love triangle has become a … square, I guess.”

“Um, yeah it’s all complicated. He was on my volleyball team, and was dating my former boyfriend first, but then they broke up, and so the other guy tried to blackmail us. You know, as I go through all this, I’m realizing just how much this all sounds like a soap opera.”

“I’ll say. Sounds very complicated. I think bizarre is the right word. So, have you dated anyone else since?”

“Nope.”

“So, I’m number two then?”

“That’s correct,” I say.

“I’ve always liked that number,” he says with that killer smile.

“So have I.”

“Well, I don’t know if this a deal breaker or not, but I can’t promise you that much drama,” he says.

“Trust me, I would be so happy if you don’t.”

I stay for a bit and have another drink. Brody is a perfect gentleman. I can see this going somewhere.

*** NOAH ***

I’ve been thinking a lot about the question my brother asked me the other day: would Jordan ever take me back? One of the reasons why I came out is because I want to go back to him. I miss him. But at the same time, like I said to my brother, I really screwed things up. Not only with the breakup, but then by asking Jordan to just be friends. I think he hates me now. He won’t want to come back. And I don’t blame him. There is one person though who might know if he’ll forgive me, Jenn.

“Hey, Noah, how’s it going?” she asks answering her phone.

“It’s going.”

“Heard from your parents again?”

“I haven’t spoken to them, but my brother has. Same story. Mom thinks I should come back home and get help. She won’t budge at all.”

“That’s too bad. How are you feeling otherwise?”

“I’m good. I’m much better than before. Being here with the kids has really helped. Just sort of reminds you that there is good in this world. As for my parents, I can’t lie, it still hurts. I’m not sure I can ever be okay with them not accepting me, but I’m starting to care a bit less about that each day. It’ll take time, but I think I’ll get there.”

“Remember, you always have us. So, are you going to stay with your brother until school starts?”

“Yeah, that’s the plan. I’m going to look for a job here, though half the summer is over, so I’m not sure I’ll have much luck. I need to make some money. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for anything.”

“I was thinking about that. I don’t have to renew my lease this year. How about we find a place together? It will probably be cheaper if you have a roommate.”

“You know my last adventure with a roommate didn’t work out so well.”

“Yeah, I heard. Look, I think the chances of you falling head over heels in love with me are high; I have that effect on men. But I think I can handle myself.”

I laugh. “Ok, as long as you know the risks. Oh, and speaking of falling in love, did I tell you what my sister said to me? She had a feeling I might be gay, because I’m not in love with you. She’s like it’s obvious we’re good together, probably soulmates. So, it didn’t make sense we weren’t a couple. So, she figured either I’m gay or you’re a lesbian.”

She has a good laugh. “I love it! That’s awesome. You have a smart sister. And obviously you had to be gay. That’s the only way you managed to resist my charm!”

Now I laugh. “Yeah, the only way!”

“But she’s right. We’re platonic soulmates!”

“Absolutely.”

“So, is that a yes then on living together?” she asks.

“It is,” I say.

“Excellent. I’ll start looking for places and let you know what I find.”

“Look cheap, please.”

“Will do, good sir.”

“Thanks.” All right, now the real reason I called. “So … I was wondering if you’ve talked to Jordan recently …”

“I was wondering when you were going to ask me about him. You’re wondering if he’d take you back?” she asks.

“I have. I miss him. But I know I really screwed everything up. Do you know if he is seeing someone now?”

“Noah, you know I want to help you, I really do, but you know I made a promise to Jordan I wouldn’t repeat our conversations to you.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Jenn.”

“I don’t want to break my promise but … what I can say is I know he took the breakup really hard. He struggled for a long time. He didn’t tell me that, I just could tell. He seems to be doing better now … he’s starting to move on. That all said, I think he still loves you.”

“What would you do if you were me?”

“Fight for him. Find a way to remind him how much you love him. But before you do anything, you need to be sure you know exactly what you want. You need to know where you stand right now before you reach out to him again. You can’t go back to him with any doubts whatsoever. That won’t be fair to him or you. If you’re not sure, it will end badly.”

“You’re right. I know I want to be with him. I don’t doubt that at all. But I know things are a bit up in the air right now with what I’m doing. I need to get my life in order first.”

“Just don’t wait too long. I’m on your side, Noah. I want to see you two back together. I’ll help any way I can.”

“Thanks, Jenn.”

*** JORDAN ***

I know I said I wanted to take things slow with Brody, but I can barely get him out of my thoughts. All night long I kept thinking what it would feel like to rip off his clothes, to touch his skin, to explore his body. To fuck his tight ass … or be fucked. I’m ready to be with him. I’m so ready. There is no reason to hold back, no reason not to enjoy myself and my life.

I’ll have my chance tonight. I’m meeting him for dinner in the city. I just have to get through the day somehow! Brody isn’t making it easy. I’ve been up for hours now, but I’m still lying in bed. We’ve been exchanging text messages since early morning. Several of them have been quite overtly sexual in nature. It is all playful, but it is making my dick rock hard. I really want to stroke myself, release some of that tension, but I don’t. I want to save it all for him tonight. Don’t want to ruin the party.

As I type a racy message to Brody, my mom knocks on the door. “Jordan, can I come in?”

“Sure,” I say sitting up. I throw the blanket over my very erect dick. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to know if you want something for breakfast, that is if you ever plan on getting out of bed.”

“Um, eggs are fine. Doesn’t really matter, Mom,” I say. “I’ll eat whatever you make.”

“Okay. It’ll be ready in a few minutes; I’ll give you a call. In the meantime, you can continue talking to your boyfriend,” she says with a smile. I told my mom about Brody.

I can’t help but blush. “I was just reading the news,” I say rather unconvincingly.

“Of course,” she says turning around to walk away. When she is at the door, she looks back at me. “I’m really glad to see you happy again. I hope this boy treats you well.”

“Thanks Mom.” I am beet red!

——— 

Somehow, I manage to make it through the day without masturbating. Trust me, it was a huge challenge. Throughout the day Brody and I kept messaging each other back and forth. I tried to distract myself, but it didn’t work. Most of the day my dick was as hard as a rock. I have so much energy in me right now I feel like I can go all night long. I’m at Brody’s place right on time. We’re meeting here before we grab a bite to eat. But when he opens the door, he asks if I want to have a drink first. I eagerly say yes.

“I was actually thinking we skip dinner and go straight to dessert,” I say. I can’t wait that long. I want to be with him now.

Oh, how he smiles. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel –”

“I’m sure,” I cut him off. I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist. I lean in and kiss him on the lips.

“Then dessert it is,” he says smiling. He takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom.

My lips are back on his within seconds, exploring his mouth. My hands roam his back, bringing him closer to me. Our bodies are pressed against one another, grinding into each other. He is already hard. My hands press into his back, trying to bring him closer. He too explores my body with his hands, running them along my back, down to my butt. He cups my ass in his hands. Perhaps tonight is the night I get fucked.

In between kisses we start to lose articles of clothing. A shoe goes flying in one direction, a shirt in another. He has a nice body. I can tell he works out, but he isn’t really muscular. He has some hair on his chest, which seems to be trimmed. He is a well-groomed man. Soon my lips are on his chest, tasting his savoury skin. I’m not sure why I do it, but mentally I start to compare him to Noah. Perhaps it’s because he is the only other guy I’ve ever been with. But Noah’s skin tasted different. It was … better. I don’t know how to explain that, but it was.

Okay, back to my man. Just focus on Brody. My hand brushes over his erect dick, still trapped in his boxers. Again, my mind goes back to Noah’s. His was bigger, I think. Dammit! Stop that you idiot!

Focus on Brody! I place my hands in his waistband. Here I go. I’m about to pull them down when my phone starts to ring.

“Ignore it,” Brody says.

I turn my attention back to him, and the bulge in his boxers. But my phone continues to ring, and ring.

“Just one second,” I say getting up. “It’s my mom.” She rarely calls me.

“Hey, Mom,” I say answering it.

“Jordan, where are you?” she asks. She sounds off.

“Um … I’m out with Brody. What’s up?”

“I need you to come home right away,” she says.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I ask concerned. This is not like my mom at all. She wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important.

“I’m okay. I’m sorry, I know you’re out. But it would be good if you come home.”

“What’s going on? You’re starting to scare me?”

“We’ll talk at home, okay?” she says.

“Okay. I’ll be there soon.”

I turn around and look at Brody. “You have to go,” he says.

“I’m so sorry. This is not like my mom at all. She wouldn’t ask me to come home unless it was important. I feel awful.” I start to find my clothes.

“It’s okay. Go. Call me later, okay?”

“I will. I’m so sorry. I’ll make this up to you. I promise,” I say to Brody once I’m fully dressed. I give him a quick kiss on the lips and leave. I just hope everything is okay.

——— 

The moment I see my mother’s face I know something is seriously wrong. I’ve never seen her look so pale. She is sitting at the kitchen table, her head resting in her hands.

“Mom …” I say walking up to her. “What’s going on?”

“I got a call from your Aunt Beth just now,” she says. Beth is my dad’s sister, the only one who still talks to my mom.

“Okay. What did she say?” I ask nervously.

“Your father had another heart attack …”

“And?” My pulse is speeding up.

“He’s in the intensive care unit. She says it’s not looking good.”

It feels as if all the energy in my body is slowly draining away. This can’t be happening. “I don’t understand … I thought he …” I thought he was getting better.

“You should go see him,” she says.

Should I see him? I go back to the last time I saw him on Christmas Day and our fight. I haven’t spoken to him since. The thought makes me shudder. “Aren’t you going to come as well?”

“Of course, I’m not going to let you drive in this condition. I’ll take you to see him. We should leave right away. Quickly pack a bag. We’ll find a hotel and stay there the night.”

“Okay.”

I’m on the first step when the phone rings. I go back into the kitchen.

“Hello? Hi, Beth. Any news?” my mom asks answering the phone. “Oh ... no … when? … Beth, I’m so sorry … of course … I will … of course …”

It’s getting harder to breathe. I know why she called. I know what this means. But I don’t want to believe it. There has to be another explanation.

“That was Beth …” my mom says when she hangs up the phone.

“What did she say?”

My mom is silent for a moment. “I’m so sorry, Jordan … your dad … he didn’t make it ...”

“No,” I say slumping into a chair. This can’t be real.