tim's poetry workbook - 7. Blank Verse: From Space

6 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

So this is what you have been growling about for the past few days.  I'm glad you didn't quit, boy. I like them both, the second one is good. 

Yesss, Sir.  no quitting, i was going to get it right no matter what!!

17 minutes ago, mollyhousemouse said:

i love the glimpses you give into the process with these. i know from past discussions that they aren't easy to do, but seeing the evolution as you drill down the form is fascinating. helps me to appreciate the final versions, and all your work, that much more.

xo

Thanks molly. i mostly put them because i know you like to read them. i hope others do too.  Thanks for your support and comments xoxo

Both poems are terrific, but I react differently to each of them. The first one reminds me of love, and sharing an experience with someone as you travel across the cosmos. The visual of sitting on Saturn's Rings hits me the most. The second one makes me think and feel about environmentalism, and what we can do to help our world.

Excellently well done, my Brother.

3 hours ago, Brayon said:

Both poems are terrific, but I react differently to each of them. The first one reminds me of love, and sharing an experience with someone as you travel across the cosmos. The visual of sitting on Saturn's Rings hits me the most. The second one makes me think and feel about environmentalism, and what we can do to help our world.

Excellently well done, my Brother.

Hey, A ... thanks very much. Yeah, the first one was supposed to be a journey.. but it wasn't blank verse, but it was an okay poem.   In the second one i sort of felt the hugeness of space ... and well really for all we really know we could be alone ... so who will fix this mess if we don't?  Thanks for your excellent comments.. i appreciate them very much.

14 minutes ago, Parker Owens said:

Each of these spoke to me. The first made me feel as if I were part of a fantasy novel, or maybe a book like Wrinkle in Time. You let me feel both vastness and a kind of sureness in that universe when there’s a we, not just a me. The second of these stirs my mind, wills me to act. Your clear sight could move all but the stoniest of hearts, the ones who can’t see beyond this quarter’s profit-and-loss. 

Thanks very much Parker.

8 minutes ago, Reader1810 said:

I, too, liked both poems. I certainly did feel as if I was on that journey through space. And , as for the line “digging for cheese”? That was marvellous! Made me laugh, it did.  

As for poem number two? Kind of spooky because you put into words what I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Having young family members who will be on this planet long after I’m gone makes me strive to do better - and encourage others to follow suit - even if all I can affect is one small corner of our world. 

As always, well done, tim.  

 

Thanks Reader... xo

I put your comments together because basically they mention the same things.  I truly believe to save this planet, there needs to be a major shift in how we think, use things and about money.  I think we need.. all of us, businesses and everyone, need to become more concerned about the world and each other than for the endless search for wealth and monetary growth.  People, need to find worth in things other than cash, the next smartphone and  what is being said on twitter.  We need to become a community .. before it's too late.

Sorry it's taken me a while to put my thoughts here publicly, but you know them privately

The initial poem you tried was the best of the lot of that effort. You start touchingly by wishing an absent loved one was with you, with you to experience this wonderful freedom of movement. Then the poem takes the reader on a fanciful and fun flight. I like the cheese on the moon reference too, as some other comments say. For me, the two biggest areas of this poem that needed tweaking were blending the thoughts from line to line to avoid many hard stops (this is a storytelling form, and flow is something to keep in mind). And secondly, there is just something magical about 10-sylabble lines and their ability to paint action and descriptions; it's the sweet spot of English poetry. It just feels right. Nine beats per line is a sort of limbo land -- one beat more than Lyric poetry, and one beat less than Blank Verse and Quatrain poetry. So I am glad you tried again fresh to work with lines thought out in 10-sylabble chunks.

The second poem has an important message, and you deliver it really well. We as humans should grow up and practice what children are taught -- don't sh*t where you eat. The Earth is where we eat, and we should not be allowed to continue harming it for short term goals anymore. Besides, how are we going to get to space on fossil fuel? It'd be like asking how the designers of the Titanic how there were going to cross the Atlantic burning whale oil? 

Fuel sources must evolve if we are to do the same as a species.