String - 12. Running In Circles

“Oh my god… What did we do?”

I awoke in the morning with the morning light shining through the dorm window. We were still naked, and Danny still had his arm draped around my chest. That arm which had brought me such comfort… The warmth of his body…

I slid out from under his grip and sat up on the edge of the bed. I put my head in my hands. It had to have been some kind of dream. When I stood up things moved inside of me. I hurried to the shared restroom between our dorm and the dorm next door to ours. What gushed out of me and the smell of lube and semen confirmed that what happened was certainly no dream. I cleaned myself up and returned to find Danny was beginning to stir.

“’Mornin’” he said, rubbing his bleary eyes.

“Hey…” I said awkwardly.

“That got pretty intense last night, huh?”

“I guess you could call it that,” I replied.

Danny sat up on the bed and stretched his arms and legs. He made his way to the restroom naked. I heard his piss splashing in the toilet. I checked my phone. There were texts from Ryan.

Oh my god… Ryan…

How was I ever going to tell him? How could I ever look him in those beautiful puppy dog-like eyes again? I checked the messages.

“I’m beat, dude. Shawn snores like a train.”

“I’m thinking about putting a pillow over his face until the noise stops.”

“You there, bud?”

“Jake?”

“Hello?”

“Hey, you okay?”

Oh god… He was down at football camp all worried about me while I was getting my brains fucked out and cheating on him. I felt like such a dick.

Danny walked back into the room and saw me looking at my phone.

“Ryan?” he asked.

I nodded, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

“What are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know,” I said, my voice breaking. “God, I feel so stupid! It all happened so fast… How could I have let this happen?”

“Jake, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Danny said.

“Bullshit, Danny! We had sex!”

“Yeah we did. How is that wrong?”

“I have a boyfriend,” I said.

Danny sighed. “Look, I think Ryan’s a nice guy too, but…”

“Are you going to try to justify what we did last night? Because I’m just not ready to have that conversation right now.”

“No… I mean… I…” Danny sat down on his bed across from me. “Damn… We fucked up, didn’t we?”

“I can’t believe how easily it happened. How bad I wanted it…”

“We both wanted it to happen,” Danny said.

“I have to tell him. He needs to know.”

“Does he?” Danny asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Why does he have to know about it? What happened was just between us. He doesn’t have to find out. If you never tell him, he’ll never even know it happened.”

“I’ll know,” I replied.

“And that’s fine. But what Ryan doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

“God, you sound like my father,” I sighed.

“Look, we have to get moving. You’re not even going to see Ryan until Saturday at the earliest. Give yourself some time to decide what you want to do. I’ll follow your lead. If you want to tell him I’ll support you. If not, then your secret is safe with me.”

“Do you have anything I should know about?” I said.

“Like STI’s?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Clean as a whistle,” Danny replied. “I got tested after it ended with Lydia and I haven’t had sex since then… Well, until last night.”

I sighed. “Let’s get dressed or we’re going to be late. I think Mr. Reilly would decapitate me if I’m late today. I can’t believe this…”

I sent a quick text to Ryan. “Phone died, sorry! Love you!”

Then we hurried to breakfast. I felt like such a dick, and it was about to get worse. We all settled into the practice room when Mr. Reilly appeared wearing a t-shirt, gym shorts, and his knee brace.

“Finnegan,” he said. “Did you tell everyone what happened last night?”

“Wh-what?” I replied. “How did you know about…”

“We’re not starting our morning in here, are we Mr. Finnegan?”

“Oh! Oh… No… No, sir.”

“Well come up here and tell everyone how the morning is going to go.”

I stood up and walked to the front of the band and looked at everyone. “I… We… We’re all going to have to do ten laps around the field before practice. And then we’re going to have to learn ‘Band on Parade,’” I said.

“What?!?!” Kyle protested. “Why are we doing laps?”

“Answer, Mr. Finnegan,” Mr. Reilly said. “If you’ve done something wrong you need to admit it.”

God, that was like a dagger in my chest. “I… I told off Mr. Reilly after practice last night.”

Groans and grumbling rose up from my bandmates.

“I’m sorry guys,” I said. “This is all my fault.”

“Actually, Finnegan, it’s mine,” Mr. Reilly said.

This time it was confusion and gasps of surprise.

“Yesterday sucked. But you wouldn’t have lost your temper if I hadn’t lost mine first. So we are going to the field, and there will be ten laps, but it’ll be you and me Finnegan. And everyone else is going to watch as a unit.”

“But your leg…”

“Pain is temporary. Now come on Finnegan. Everyone else, come along with us.”

We all walked together to the field. Mr. Reilly had everyone sit in the middle of the field while he and I stood on the track together.

“You ready for this, Finnegan?” he said.

“I guess so,” I replied.

“We have to stay together at all times, just like you did with Rossi last year. Think you can keep up with me?”

I laughed. “Are you serious?”

“We’re paying good money for the use of these facilities,” Mr. Reilly said. “I want to get this over with. Ready? GO!!”

Mr. Reilly took off down the track. I stumbled to start but I quickly caught up with him.

“You’re pretty fast,” Mr. Reilly said.

“Faster than you, old man,” I said.

“Yeah, but I’ve only got one good leg, you’ve got two. What’s slowing you down?”

“I can go faster,” I replied as we came around to complete the first lap.

“So what’s holding you back?” Mr. Reilly said.

“You said we had to stay together,” I replied.

“Who cares what I say? And who’s to say if you don’t go faster that I can’t keep up with you?”

“On one good leg?”

“Rehab can do wonders these days,” he said.

I took off faster, so that I finished the second lap and was halfway around the corner when I looked behind me. Mr. Reilly had fallen about a quarter of a lap behind me.

“I thought you said you could keep up!” I shouted. “Come on, old man!”

“I can’t keep up with you, you’re too good!” Mr. Reilly shouted. “Maybe I should just quit and go home!”

I slowed down and allowed Mr. Reilly to catch up with me, so that we finished the third lap together. We stayed together through the fourth, fifth, and sixth laps together. I took my shirt off and tossed it on the ground near the band. There were a couple of wolf whistles of course, but my shirt was completely soaked from sweat. Mr. Reilly looked ready to pass out. We were slowing down.

“What’s the matter, old man? Want to quit?”

“This might have been a bad idea…” Mr. Reilly huffed and puffed as he jogged along.

“You’re not going to have a heart attack on me or anything are you?”

“Oh I can keep going!” Mr. Reilly replied.

Seven, eight, nine… The band was cheering for us as we passed them to begin the tenth lap.

“I think I’m going to tap out,” Mr. Reilly said.

“What? We’re almost to the end!” I protested.

“No, it’s too hard for me. I’m not going to make it. You go on without me.”

“No way, we’re doing this together, remember?” I insisted. “It’s just one more lap. Come on, you can do it!”

Mr. Reilly huffed and puffed, I slowed down further.

“I can’t do it,” Mr. Reilly said. “I’m too weak… You go on without me!”

“No! I’m not doing this without you.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because we’re all in this together!” I replied.

“That’s all I needed to know,” Mr. Reilly said with a smile. Suddenly, he took off like a rocket around the final half of the track. Now I was struggling to keep up!

“Come on, Jake!” Mr. Reilly shouted.

“Go! Go! Go!” cried the rest of the band.

Mr. Reilly slowed down and I caught up to him so we could cross the finish line together. I stumbled into the field and fell down onto my back, spread eagle, and gasping for breath. Mr. Reilly stood with his hands on his knees looking at the band.

“Do you understand now?” he asked.

Some of the kids nodded. I just lay there.

“You took our laps for us,” Danny said.

Mr. Reilly shook his head. “No, Finnegan did your laps. I run this track for ten laps every morning. Doctor’s orders.”

Kyle offered me his hand and peeled me off the ground.

“You could have blown Jake away,” Britney said.

“Why would I want to do that?” Mr. Reilly said. “We’re a team. We work together. We finish together. We breathe together. Yesterday we had a bunch of individuals playing instruments. We failed. Today, tomorrow, next week… We play as a unit. One band!”

Everyone agreed.

“Now for god’s sake, would somebody get Finnegan some Gatorade before he passes out on us?” he said as I fell down to my knees, still gasping for air.

We returned to the band room. Mr. Reilly passed out new music. Yes… it was “Band on Parade.” There were more groans. I was still trying to get my wind back after the laps. Danny had at least run back to the dorm to get me a dry shirt.

“”Band on Parade,”” Mr. Reilly said. “It should look familiar to you. Let’s give the old boy a spin, shall we?”

And so we played. It was the most godawful piece of musical shit, so easy we could play it in our sleep, which was good because I think several students did fall asleep while playing it. After two times through Mr. Reilly looked around at us.

“Is that as good as you can do it?” he asked.

“It’s too easy,” Kyle protested.

“Well it doesn’t sound like it’s too easy for you.”

“That’s because it’s terrible,” Danny said.

“Is that so, Mr. Rossi? If it’s so easy you should be able to play it perfectly.”

“It’s because there’s no heart in it,” I said. “We know you’re doing it to punish us, so we’re not trying as hard as we could.”

“Is that so, Finnegan?” Mr. Reilly said.

“Yes, sir,” I replied.

“You want to go back to Phantom?” he asked. Everyone agreed.

“Okay, everyone pick up that music in both hands. Ready? Repeat after me.” Mr. Reilly took his copy of “Band on Parade” and tore it in half. We all followed suit and cheered. Some of us tossed the torn pieces into the air. Mr. Reilly smiled. “Now, have a listen…”

Mr. Reilly brought out his cell phone and placed it on his music stand. He played for us the Phantom theme only there was something strange about it.

“Anybody have an opinion on this recording?”

“Is that of us?” someone asked.

“Nope. What did you think?”

I spoke up. “The instruments are all played perfectly, but they’re not quite together.”

“Well thank you for the complement. Every instrument you heard on that recording was played by me,” Mr. Reilly said. “As you heard, I could play your part perfectly. But the problem was just as Finnegan said. I couldn’t play them all at the same time, so I had to record each part separately and then put them all together afterward, which I did last night after practice.”

“So even though each individual part was played correctly, it wasn’t played together,” Madison said.

“You’ve got it. What do I always tell you? I can’t play your part for you. I just proved it. It takes a band to play together. No one individual can do it alone. You need each other. Just like this morning, you have to get in sync and work together. If you leave your bandmate behind, you won’t finish the journey together. This is a band, not a bunch of kids playing instruments. Do you understand now? No amount of yelling by me is going to make this work. You have to do it, together. Now, let’s take a five-minute break and then let’s make music together.”

We took our break. I could barely move after my laps, but Mr. Reilly seemed invigorated by the morning’s activities. Danny sat down next to me.

“You okay?” he asked.

“I have to tell Ryan,” I replied.

Danny nodded. “Then I’ll support you. When?”

“I don’t want to do it over the phone. I’ll talk to him when we get back.”

“Okay,” he said. He leaned closer to me. “You looked pretty hot running around out there without your shirt on,” he whispered.

I smiled. “Stop it,” I said.

“Just saying,” he replied with a wink. That morning’s practice was probably the best we ever sounded, even better than last year. Mr. Reilly was more energized than ever. He had Britney do the directing while he stood there, his eyes closed and his head nodding with the music, like he was just absorbing it into his soul.

After practice, Mr. Reilly sent us to our lunch break. I stayed behind and was the last one left in the band room.

“Still tired after this morning?” Mr. Reilly asked.

“No, I just wanted to apologize for last night,” I said. “You don’t suck, Mr. Reilly. You’re pretty awesome.”

Mr. Reilly smiled. “Don’t tell anyone,” he said.

“Have you ever made a big mistake? Like, screwed up so badly and you did something you knew would hurt someone else but you did it anyway?”

Mr. Reilly thought about my words. “What’s going on, Jake?”

“I… I didn’t listen to you when you warned me about Danny. I let my guard down.”

Mr. Reilly nodded. “Made a mistake, huh?”

“A big one. The biggest one.”

Mr. Reilly nodded again. “I see. Well, there’s nothing you can do to take that back, now is there?”

“No. I feel like such a douchebag.”

“I don’t think of you that way.”

“I used to look at my father with so much anger and hatred. Like, how could he cheat on my mother all the time? I thought I would never be like him. I’m even worse.”

“How are you worse?”

“Because I should have known better. All the signs were there and I ignored them. Ryan is such a good guy, and I still cheated on him.”

“Do you remember the red-headed guy who I was bowling with last year when you had your birthday party?”

“The one who beat you up when you were kids?” I replied.

Mr. Reilly nodded. “You know, he had a good reason to do it. When I was younger, I had a nasty temper. At one point, this was long before he kicked my butt, I was in an argument with him and in my anger I told him that I was glad his parents abused him.”

“Oh my god!” I gasped. “That’s awful!”

“Tell me about it. It’s the worst thing I ever did. It’s been fifteen years and I still feel bad about it. But you know what, we’re friends today. Just because you do something terrible doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you human. You’re going to feel bad about what happened for a very long time, Jake. But it doesn’t mean life is over. You made a mistake, now you have to live with it. It’s what you do after your mistakes that defines you.”

“How did you become friends?”

“He beat the crap out of me,” Mr. Reilly said.

“Great,” I replied.

“I didn’t say it was a good story,” Mr. Reilly said. “Let’s go to lunch, I’m starving.”

After lunch, we returned to practice and later that evening we made it through the whole field show. That wrapped up band camp. Mr. Reilly thanked and congratulated us and we went back to our dorms for the night. Danny and I packed up our things so we’d be ready to leave to go home in the morning. As we were packing up, my phone buzzed. It was Ryan calling.

“Hey,” I said.

“What’s up, Jake? I’ve missed you!”

“I miss you too,” I said.

“Practice was brutal today. How’s it going up there?”

“It was a long one, but good. I think we’ll be better for having gone through it.”

“I can’t wait to see you.”

“Me too,” I said.

There was a pause. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I replied.

“I just… It’s nothing. Never mind. See you on Saturday, okay?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “I love you,” I said.

“I love you too,” he replied. We hung up.

“I can’t do this,” I said to Danny. “I can hear it in his voice. It’s like he knows something is going on.”

“He doesn’t know anything,” Danny replied.

“Danny… Do you love me?” I asked.

Danny thought about it. “I’ve been thinking about that question all day. I know I turned you down hardcore the last time we talked about this. But… I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I want. I’m sorry. I wish I had something more to say. I have feelings for you that go beyond physical attraction. Don’t ask me to tell you what they are because I don’t know either.”

“But you couldn’t see us being together for years and years like Mr. Reilly and his husband.”

“I don’t think so. I like what we have. I liked what we did. But there’s still something else I want that you can’t give me.”

“I’ve loved you for a very long time. You broke my heart when you told me you could never be with me. It took Ryan for me to get over you. And then…”

“And then,” Danny said. We were quiet for a while before Danny asked, “Why’d you ask me to sleep with you last night?”

“I wanted you to hold me,” I said.

“I make you feel safe.”

“Like you used to,” I replied. “You were there for me when I thought everything was lost,”

“How do I make you feel now?”

“I don’t know… A little bit dangerous?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m afraid if we get too close we’ll make another mistake.”

“Was it really a mistake?” he asked.

“Danny…”

Danny stood up and faced me, grabbing my arms and holding me.

“Does this feel dangerous?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Why?”

“Because I like it too much,” I replied. “Because I don’t want you to stop.”

“I will stop if you tell me to,” Danny said. “But if you don’t want me to…”

Danny pulled me closer and kissed me on the lips. I put my arms around him and kissed him back. I backed up against the wall, pulling Danny along with me. I raised my arms and Danny slipped my shirt up over my head. His shirt followed mine to the floor. We fumbled around with each other’s shorts until we’d slipped out of them as well. I dropped to my knees and tugged Danny’s underwear down to the floor. I blew him. Danny put his hands on my head and ran his fingers through my hair.

“Oh Jake…” he cried. He pulled me to my feet and turned me around and pressed me against the wall. He tugged off my underpants and dropped to his knees behind me. I felt his tongue search my secret places. I begged for more.

“Fuck me,” I cried. Danny rose to his feet and stood behind me. He grabbed some lotion out of his suitcase and lined up with me again.

“You sure you want this?” he asked.

“Don’t stop! I want it. I need it! Please!”

Danny adjusted my hips to the best position for him and I felt him press against me. I reached behind me and grabbed hold of his dick and lined him up better. He entered me. His hands slid up my spine and back down. I grabbed hold of the wall and begged for him to fuck me. Danny’s hips smacked against my ass, firmly and loudly. I looked back at him lustily.

“I’m gonna shoot,” he cried.

“I want it inside me,” I begged. Danny grabbed my hips and thrust himself firmly into me. We both cried in ecstasy. He reached around me and jerked me off until my own load splattered on the wall in front of me.

And just like that it was over. How easily it happened. I felt both thrilled and disgusted with myself. How could something wrong feel so right? Danny turned me around and kissed me. Our make out session moved to his bed where we would end up falling asleep naked in each other’s arms again.

“I love you, Jacob,” he whispered to me in the silence. “I’ve always loved you.”

He held me tighter. For years I had wanted him to say those words to me. And now, it all felt so wrong. Things had just become much more complicated.