The Saturday Boy - 18. Shaun Hits the Nuclear Button

Roman dropped me off at the hospital again, and I got up to Jack's ward as fast as possible. I was excited, not only because I was seeing him again, but because no matter what shit was coming my way from Shaun and his family, I knew the truth. It was because I knew the truth; I could make sense of it in my head finally and tell Jack what was really going on… make him see what a crazy piece of shit my former friend was.

One thing that did worry me was what Shaun had planned for Jack and me. Foremost, I didn't want anything to affect his recovery, but it also concerned me that he might gain access to Jack and some point and start the poison flowing again. Sure, I knew Jack was capable of making up his own mind in normal circumstances, but these were not ordinary times for him. He was under a lot of stress, drugs and grief, and because of that, he could be easily influenced, I was certain.

I approached the desk, coming into contact with the lovely Nurse Bates. "Has he been behaving?" I asked her, grinning.

"He is when you're not here, but I'm glad you are. I think he'll need a visitor after the police leave."

"They're here…like now?"

"Yes, so you will need to wait until they are finished."

"Yes, of course," I said, looking down the corridor towards his room.

"Do you know what they are here for?"

"If I did know, I'm not at liberty to say, but I don't. They just said they needed to speak to him."

"Hmm, I just hope they are being tactful."

"Take a seat, Joey. You can go in as soon as they come out unless he refuses you, of course."

"Why would he refuse me?"

"He may wish to be alone for a while. I'm just mentioning just in case, that's all."

"Nurse Bates, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Joey, but I do have rounds to do shortly, and I don't want you to think me rude."

"No, of course not; I was just wondering if Jack had mentioned anymore about his mother?"

"You mean if he still thinks she's alive?"

"Yeah."

"I think he knows the answer deep down, Joey, he's desperately trying to deny it from himself, but I think after this visit by the police, it's bound to make it evident, after all, there is only going to be one reason they are here."

"Yes, I guess you're right. I just hope he can recover from this."

"He's young Joey. The death of a parent is always a tragedy, especially when someone loses theirs at such a young age. Indeed, he may never get over it, but, with the right support, he will learn to live with it."

"I intend to give him that support; he can be sure of that," I said meaningfully.

I picked up a woman's magazine and started to read it, fascinated by a story advertised on the front page that talked about 'ways to satisfy your man'.

Nurse Bates grinned. "Picking up any good tips?" she asked, turning me a deep shade of crimson.

"I uh… no just something to read, that's all," I replied, quickly putting the mag down. Moments later, I heard the click of a door and two police officers walked out of Jack's room. They passed by me, and as soon as they went through the door, I got up.

Peering through the half-open blinds to Jack's room, I could see he had been crying, his eyes and face wet. He was staring at the ceiling, having not noticed me, so I gently tapped on the window, causing him to look over at me. I waited for his reaction, wondering for a split second if he was going to tell me to go away, but thankfully he waved me in.

Yes!

"Tough day, huh?" I asked, wiping a stray tear out of his eye.

"You could say that."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"It's just some stuff about my Mum and Dad. I don't really want to know about it, but I guess they have to tell me. Sometimes I wake up and wonder where I am, Joey, and… and I hope it's all just been a stupid dream, and then I realise where I am… still in this damn hospital."

"It's easy for me to say Jack, but this will get easier, I promise."

"Are you going to start telling me my mother is dead again?… don't worry, I know she is. I know because I can feel it. No matter how much I tell myself she's not, my heart says otherwise. I feel like I'm tumbling down some water well, you know, like in Alice in Wonderland."

"I wasn't going to mention your Mum Jack, I thought it best not to."

"It's okay, you know, in some way, I'm glad she's out of it all. She had a really shit life with my Dad. I guess I never wanted to admit how bad she had it… come to think of it, I don't think she ever did either, but he can't hurt her anymore; no one can. She's up there with the angels, and I'm stuck down here in a living hell."

"Hey, you have me," I said, feeling so helpless. Some part of me knew that despite what he was saying was as morbid as shit, it was doing him good, so I let him carry on, and I just listened.

"Thanks, Joey. I'm glad you're here, really I am, and I'm sorry if I'm depressing you."

"Not at all Jack, It's good to talk about this stuff. Just call me your agony uncle," I said, trying to gently lighten the mood.

"You know, no matter how many drugs they give me, how comforted I am and how much you tell me this is going to be okay, I still have this ache in my chest, like my heart has been ripped out, it's actually a dull physical pain."

"I know Jack, and there is nothing I can say to make this right, you just have to grieve, and slowly things will get better, just don't hold stuff in okay, I read somewhere it can be bad for you."

"Hold stuff in? Man, I don't know if I can keep anything from getting out."

"That's good, Jack. That's really good."

"Nurse Bates said that I…" he started, but I couldn't hold it in any longer I had to tell him.

"I want you to come and live with me, Jack," I blurted, cutting him off. "I want you to come and live with me because I'm totally in love with you, and I wanna help you get through this. I should have told you earlier, but it never seemed like the right time. I hope you say yes because I think I will die if you go somewhere else, and I'm gonna shut up now because I am becoming aware I'm babbling like an idiot!" I took a breath and waited for a response, but nothing came immediately. I noticed that I was almost cowering like some rock was about to fall on my head, but really it was just through sheer dread of getting rejected.

"Live with you, but… but what about your parents?"

"They already agreed," I said quickly, just in case he worried about that.

"Have you planned this all behind my back?"

"Do you know, I knew you were going to think that… no, I have not planned anything behind your back. But, as I said, it never seemed like the right time; you got a lot going on, and besides that, our conversations have been as such where it wasn't appropriate to bring up where you will live when you get out of here."

"But where will I sleep?"

"My room, of course, pending authorisation from my mother," I said, rolling my eyes. "If not, then with Roman, either way, I would really like you to think about it."

"God, you've really thought about this, haven't you."

"Yeah, I have Jack; I've thought of nothing else. Just…just let me take care of you, will ya? I really want to do this. I want you in my life, and I want you close," I pleaded.

"And Shaun?" He asked, my face contorting under the weight of his name being mentioned.

"Yeah, we need to talk about that, but I was going to wait until you were a bit better."

"Something happened?"

"Does it matter?"

"Does it matter… what a stupid… of course, it matters, Joey!"

"Do you really want me to go into this now?" I asked, scratching my head.

"Yeah, I wanna know where I am in all this."

"Okay bottom line, me and Shaun are finished as friends. It was never about him liking me; it was all about him liking you but lying to both of us. I apologised to him and actually felt sorry for him at one point, but what you will really be interested in is the point he made about you."

"Which was?" Jack asked, a curious look forming on his face.

"Well, I hate to say I told you so, but the person you were so keen for me to make up with has said that he and I need to drop you… yeah, drop you, and then things can go back to normal. We need to get you out of the picture so our friendship can survive."

"He said that?"

"Yes, Jack, he said that. As you can clearly see, I turned him down. What's more, he said that if he can't have you, then neither can I, and so I should expect consequences of continuing to see you."

"You gave up on a whole long-standing friendship for me, a person you have only properly known for a month?"

"And it was a damn easy choice, Jack. Shaun is not the friend I once knew. He's turned poisonous and had made it abundantly clear I am not able to be with you, which means he can't see me happy, which means he can't be much of a friend, bla, bla, bla."

"Wait, can you just back up a bit… so he was never into you? It was me?"

"Yep, oh and the whole Spanish kid thing… he did sleep with him, he just didn't want you to think he was a slut or something."

"Really?" Jack said, shocked. "Jesus, poor guy, all those lies he had to tell…."

"Poor guy, are you serious, Jack. He wanted me to drop you, get you out of the picture, and you say, poor guy? He… he thought if I moved out of the way and let him spend some more time with you, you would eventually confess your undying love for him… do you think that's normal?"

"No, but… he must know… surely he knows I didn't have any feeling for him that way. I mean, it's not like I ever led him on."

"Jack, you haven't done anything wrong. Shaun is in a really bad place right now, quite unstable and probably obsessed with you…oh yeah, just like I am."

"You are?"

"Yeah, baby, but in a good way," I replied, winking.

Jack looked deep in thought for a moment, staring at his bedsheets, before turning back and looking at me. "So, what do you think these consequences are he talks about?"

I sighed. "With Shaun the way he is? It could be anything, but you don't need to worry about that."

"Get real, Joey, of course I need to worry about that. If he's coming after us, then he's coming after me."

"Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

"Huh?"

"Us… you said us."

"Did I?"

"Yeah, does that bother you?"

"Joey, ever since I have been in your life, things have turned to shit for you. Why are you willing to sacrifice so much for someone like me? I don't have anything to offer you." Jack said, self loathingly.

Okay, time for some different tactics, Joey!

"Jack?"

"Yeah?" he replied, barely lifting his head up.

"Shut the fuck up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You might not think you are good enough for someone to love you, but I do. Now you either want to pull your finger out of your ass and walk out of this hospital, or I can leave you to rot and you can wallow in your own self-pity, which is it?"

"That was a bit fucking harsh, Joey!"

"Yeah, well, stop worrying about other people, think about what you want and what you need and do something about it. Life is shit, but it's better to share the shit with someone who wants to share it with you. You got to stop thinking everything you touch turns to crap; it doesn't. You've been dealt a bad hand granted, but sooner or later, everything will even out."

"How would you know? You haven't lost a parent." He hissed at me.

"Bit of anger, that's good. No, I haven't lost a parent Jack, I don't know what it feels like, but it wasn't your fault okay, it wasn't your fault. If you wanna hate someone, you hate your old man!"

"I already hated him, but I still blame myself."

Okay, Joey, let's ratchet up the pressure!

"Why, what did you do, love her, protect her, defend her? Is that it? Is that why you blame yourself because you did all you could. You should have stood up to your old man Jack. That's what you should have done!"

"What… I… I did stand up to him!"

"Well, you seem to blame yourself, so obviously, you didn't stand up to him enough, Jack."

"I did. I did everything I could."

"Well, you should have told her to leave him."

"Fuck off, Joey, I did. What would you know?"

"Want me to leave? I'll leave… no point in me being here if you want to wallow on your own. I thought you had more self-respect, Jack. Maybe I was wrong." I headed towards the door, having played a very risky strategy, but I needed to get him out of this self-loathing spiral he was in. Everything that was happening, he was blaming himself, and it was eating him up. He was sobbing, my hand was on the doorknob, he said nothing. I began to turn the handle, it was killing me to hear him cry, but still, he stayed silent. Opening the door, I began to walk out. Please, Jack, please stay stop, my mind screamed. I was almost out when…

"Wait, please don't go."

Phew!

"Why?" I asked, but not turning round to look at him.

"Because I love you, and I need you, and… and I miss my Mum so much." He sobbed uncontrollably. I turned around, closed the door and marched over to him. He held out his arms, and I collected them, pushing my hands under his back and holding him tightly. I let him nestle his head in my neck.

He just wept!

It was heartbreaking for me to see, but I knew he needed to do it. Anger, guilt and regret had built up inside him like some… some toxic substance, and the act of crying acted like a fresh mountain stream, washing away all the dirt and grime from his battered soul.

"Jack, you are beautiful; you just need to remember that sometimes," I whispered into his ear. I gently rocked him back and forth, soothing him. His sobbing slowed noticeably until all I could hear was the odd sniff. The poor guy must have been exhausted as I could feel his breathing change to a more consistent rhythmic pattern.

He had cried himself to sleep, one of the probably many times, I mused.

I sat there with him for what seemed like ages. My back was starting to ache from the weird position I was in, but I didn't care. All I could think about was how to help Jack get through this ordeal in his life. I began to daydream about life beyond the heartache for him. I could see him in my mind, at the beach of all places, running around on the sand with a Frisbee and laughing, the hurt and tragedy in his life but a long distant memory. I could also see myself running to catch the Frisbee before we fell into each other's arms, laughing and joking. The thought made me smile, and for a moment, I closed my eyes too and made a mental note that that day would happen.

I heard a tap on the window and looked towards the sound. It was Roman, and I realised I must have lost track of time. I waved him in, while putting my finger to my mouth. He gently opened the door, easing himself in. I smiled at him, glad he was here. It was nice to see a friendly face amongst the clinical looking room and the sorrow pouring from Jack earlier.

"He okay?" Roman whispered, eyeing Jack's still wet face.

"I think everything is going to be okay now, Roman… I think he got most of it out." I whispered back, gently stroking Jack's hair, careful not to disturb the bandage.

"Do you want me to stay?"

"Yeah, I think I should leave now anyway; let him rest."

"I can see why you like him; he is kinda cute," My brother sniggered. "You make a nice couple."

I grinned. "Roman, you're not supposed to say such things."

"Hey, why not? I'm comfortable enough with my own sexuality to feel I can say another guy is good looking, and he is."

"You don't have to tell me, I know."

I gently moved my arms out from under Jack and slowly lowered him down, so he was again lying on his back. He stirred slightly but remained sleeping. I looked at his soft skin wanting to eat him there and then. Then, looking up, I dimmed the light further down and signalled to Roman I was ready to leave. We crept towards the door, and I held it open for Roman. We both stepped out and began walking down the corridor towards the exit.

Down, just outside the main entrance, Roman put his arm around me and began to lead me to his car.

"You really love him, don't you?" Roman asked, but already knowing the answer.

"Yeah, I do; it's nothing I can explain."

Roman sighed. "Yeah, I had that once."

"Hey, can… can we go somewhere?"

"Where to?"

"Dunno, just drive… drive anywhere."

We got in the car, and Roman pulled out of the hospital grounds. Then, true to my request, he just drove down random roads until we reached the southeast city limit.

"Where are we going?" I asked as the density of buildings started to reduce.

"Neverland?"

"I'm serious; where are you heading?"

"I dunno, you asked me to drive, so I'm driving, does there have to be a destination?"

"Is there a hidden meaning in that question?"

"Could be Joey, but regardless, I'm still driving," Roman said before starting to laugh. He carried on cruising down a main road until pulling off into a small sidetrack. It was bumpy and dusty, and I began to wonder if his suspension was about to give out until he stopped abruptly and switched off the engine. As the dust settled, it gave way to what looked like a gorgeous reservoir, lined with trees and fauna. There was an island in the middle occupied by four swans, with Mallard ducks that gently roamed the calm water.

"Wow, this place is beautiful Roman, how did you know it existed?"

He laughed. "Oh… I lost my virginity here. Two days before Christmas, when I was fifteen. Kerry someone… I can't think of her last name. We had been to an underage drinking party just up the road from here. Danny Welbert's Mum and Dad were away in Spain seeing relatives for Christmas. There was this rave thing going on. I remember it snowed that year, and the busses had been suspended due to the weather. I was gonna walk home, a stupid idea really, but I was drunk. I remember a girl catching up to me, then she led me here."

"Then what happened?"

"I fucked her brains out, of course," he said, matter-of-fact.

"Cool."

"Yeah, that was one word for it, although I remember wondering if my nuts were gonna fall off it was so fucking cold."

"Hey, you were fifteen? Wasn't that around the time…"

He smiled and raised his brow. "Yeah, it was, and I thought we didn't talk about that."

"Yeah, sorry, we don't. I was just reminded of it, that's all."

"It's fine… does it… bother you?"

"I thought we didn't talk about that?" I asked before smirking. "And no, it doesn't. Of course, it does pop into my mind now and again, but that's it, what about you?"

"No, I thought it might as time went on, but no, strangely not."

"Just young and stupid, right?"

"Yeah," Roman replied. "Just young and Stupid."

"So why are we here?" I asked, looking up at my brother.

"I got the feeling when you said just drive, you wanted to get away from it all for a bit."

"Yeah, I guess I did. Everything just seems so fucking complicated right now. I feel like I'm fighting about ten different wars with everyone. I got problems at school, Jack's in hospital, Shaun has lost his brain, Mum's on my case about Mrs Winters, and Dean is almost embarrassed to be my friend anymore."

"Bro, you got some heavy shit going on, granted, but as the old saying goes, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. So let's have a look at the facts. School right… Soon enough, another bit of hot gossip will rip its way through your year, and people will soon forget about being a prick to you."

"And the rest of it?"

"Well, Shaun? He will lose interest soon enough. Once he admits he won't win Jack from you, he'll go quietly, I suspect. He's just angry and fucked up right now, Joey. Don't forget, he's just admitted he's gay to his parents. I'm sure that is also influencing his weird behaviour."

"Yeah, I guess you may be right… at least I hope you are. The things we were saying while I was in his room were just plain… well, it actually scared me Roman, he was like some possessed demon."

"Hmm, well, as I said, give it time with that one. As for Mum, she knows you are not to blame, really, but she has to look like she is taking a hard line with you to satisfy Shaun's Mum. I was there when she was on the phone to her the first time, Joey, and believe me, she was in your corner as much as she could get away with."

"Yeah, she's not a bad Mum, I guess, even if she does pay me eighty-five pounds a week!"

Roman burst into a belly laugh. "You are not gonna let that go are you?"

"Damn right I'm not!" I barked.

"And lastly, Jack will be coming out of hospital soon, and you can start playing mother hen with him cos I know you are dying to mollycoddle him."

"Hey, I'm not a pansy. I'm a man, a real one," I squealed, giving roman a shove. "Mother hen… bloody cheek!"

"Wanna get out and have a walk? I think there is a seat just behind those trees, that's if it is still there," Roman said, pointing.

"Sure, lead the way."

We both exited the car and took a slow stroll along the bank, quietly chatting as we walked. The sun was starting to go down, and there was a calmness I hadn't felt for a long time. Finally, it was just Roman, me and nature. The low sun was casting beautiful shadows across the ground, the deep yellow rays punching through gaps in the trees as we neared the seat Roman mentioned. I fell back into the wooden bench, sighing as I did.

"This place is really nice, Roman, don't you think?"

"Yeah, it is. But, mind you, I didn't take in the scenery when I was last here, remember?"

"Yeah, I don't suppose you did.

"So Joey," Roman started, stretching out. "What's the LTP with Jack?"

"LTP?"

"long term plan." He said.

I shrugged. "Get him better first. Mum says him staying with us is only temporary until the state can sort him something out, but I can't imagine the day when he has to go. That's what my mind can't seem to look past right now. I think I would have to move out, Roman."

"I'm sure it won't come to that, and anyway, if you told her you were moving out, she would probably let him stay just to keep you from leaving. She relies on you too much. So don't overthink it, Joey. Let's just get Jack out of hospital first."

"Do you know what Dad thinks?"

"About Jack coming to stay?"

"No… no, I mean about me, being gay. Has he ever said anything?"

"No, why do you ask?"

"I don't know. I just feel like he's in denial or something. He never asks how Jack is or ever speaks about us becoming a couple… in fact, he never says anything that might remotely suggest he has a gay son."

"Joey, this is Dad you're talking about! Most of the time, he's away in his little dream world. He just likes things simple and uncomplicated, and, well… you know, he's a guy, and guys of his kinda age probably don't really understand what it is to be you… or be gay. But, he still loves you, Joey, and I don't think for one minute he's ashamed or regretful you're gay. I just think he doesn't know how to approach the subject."

"You really think so?"

"Yeah, joey, I do… and you're doing it again!"

"What?"

"You are overthinking stuff."

"I know, I can't help it lately. I feel like everyone is out to cut me down in some way."

"They're not, trust me. Everyone I know that knows you, cares about you and just wants what's best for you. They don't want to see you get hurt, and even in Dean's primitive little mind, that probably goes for him too."

I inhaled a deep breath and let it out. "Yeah, I know you're right. I just gotta chillax, right?"

"Exactly!" Roman said, ruffling my hair.

"So, will you be going away again with the band?"

"Why will you miss me if I did?"

"Is the Pope catholic?"

Roman smirked. "Don't know yet Joey, everyone is taking some time out. Two of the guys have young kids and jobs, so it's hard to get us all together to go on the road. I think, for now, it will just be a few weekend slots, so for now, you are stuck with me."

"Good, it's been nice having you back around the place; you've been like my rock, you know that?"

"Ah, shut up, don't go getting all emotional on me. You know how easily I well up."

"It's true, Roman! Look, I don't wanna go getting all heavy and shit, but sometimes I think about… well you know, doing bad things, and… and without you, I get scared I might have done."

"Bad things, Joey… you mean like…."

"Yeah, I mean that!"

"You idiot, things ain't that bad!"

I sniggered. "I dunno Roman; they have been fucking shit from my point of view. But don't go getting all worried. I'm feeling better about things now; I think it was just a few mad moments."

"I fucking hope so Joey, if you ever killed yourself, I would kill you!" We both laughed, and it felt good, even if we were talking about me topping myself.

Roman was soon suggesting we start heading back before Mum started wondering where we were. I agreed, and we left the bench behind, heading back to the car. I felt better about things; Roman was a pro at making things seem less… well, intense, really. I wondered if Mum had been contacted again by Shaun's Mum… or, worse, the police. Nonetheless, I had work to do when I got back, and I fully intended to immerse myself in it, that's if I wasn't being hauled away in the back of a squad car again.

We were nearing the car when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I was absolutely sure it was gonna be my Mum asking me where Roman and I had got to, but it was a message from Shaun, and I rolled my eyes.

"Everything ok?" Roman asked as I stopped walking.

"It's Shaun. I'm just going into the message now."

"What does it say?"

"I'm going to do something to you that will haunt you for the rest of your life."

"I'm sorry," Roman said, his face screwing up.

"That's what it says; you asked what the text said."

"Is that a threat of some kind?"

"Beats me, Ro, probably just Shaun having another meltdown," I replied as he unlocked the car.

Stupid asshole!

 

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It was approaching midnight, the moon high in the sky outside my window. London felt quiet tonight. In fact, the world felt quiet. I lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling, watching as strange shadows ripped across it, created by the headlights of the odd passing vehicle.

I probably would have been asleep by now if not for the eleven missed calls from Shaun, calls that were missed because I chose to ignore them. I had nothing left to say to him, nothing of any value, and besides, his recent displays of savage outbursts were beyond redemption. That's not to say I wasn't curious as to what he wanted. In fact, the last three calls from him, I even thought about answering.

I held my nerve.

Jack's condition was improving, and I was keen to find out when it would be announced he could leave the hospital. I wanted him here with me, here so I could keep an eye on him - probably kidding myself I could take care of him better than a hospital full of trained doctors, but in my mind, I felt like I could.

With the help of Roman, I had managed to have a good chat with my Mum tonight regarding the last few days, namely Shaun and his verbal and physical attack on me. Roman seemed to think she knew I was not to blame and that it was Shaun that should now be punished. In light of us presenting 'new evidence', I wondered if she would drop my grounding sentence, but that had yet to be seen.

The only part of the grounding that really bothered me was the restriction of movement. The confiscation of my gadgets and working for free for a while didn't bother me half as much as not being able to go and see Dean or even catch up with Toby, for that matter. To me, the whole thing stunk. Here was Shaun, saying and doing all these things, and I was the one being punished. To top it all off, it was like I was paying him a cash reward for it all.

I made a mental note to ask my Mum about that payment as well. There was no way I should pay him compensation for hitting him if he can get away with pushing me to the floor and taking a swing at Roman. I mean, where was the justice in that?

My mind wandered back to the holiday we all went on, even down to the trivial events such as when Shaun rubbed sunblock into my back and the open conversations we had. I could see him laughing and joking around as he always did, Shaun was never serious, and it was really freaky to bounce the Shaun on holiday and the Shaun I see now back and forth in my mind. Who the fuck was that person I knew now? How could someone with absolutely no history of maliciousness exist in the real world like he was? Was it a breakdown, like a serious mental condition he had developed? Should I be supporting him through this, or am I in my right to take a stand with him? I had so many questions whirling around in my head, but absolutely no answers to any of them.

 

 

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Six-thirty flew round, and it was evident I must have fallen asleep, but God knows when. I was cursing at my alarm for going off too early before realising my alarm was actually silent, and it was my phone that had brought me out of a deep sleep. Disorientated and cranky, I picked my cell up from the floor and squinted at the screen. "If that's fucking Shaun again, I'm gonna scream," I muttered before seeing it was… Dean? I pressed accept!

"Why is it whenever I get a call at some stupid hour, it always seems to be you?"

"Good morning to you too; listen, I need to tell you something. I'm so pissed right now!"

"What, Dean, it's six-thirty in the morning, pal."

"I know, look, about Shaun…."

"Oh Dean, do you have to? I can really do without talking about…."

"Shut up and listen, look, I'm worried, Joey. He was texting me some really fucked up stuff last night."

"Is that a surprise to you, seeing as he is fucked up?"

"Joey, he even said I was conspiring against him with you and that I could go fuck myself… Joey, he had no reason to think that or say any of that."

"Dean, my advice? Just leave him for a few days. According to his mother, she is getting him into one of these anti-gay specialist fuckers. Maybe they will assess his state of mind while he's there."

"I just want my mates back, to be honest, my old mates, back the way they used to be."

"What's that supposed to mean? I'm still normal, even if he ain't."

"You might think so, but it's not like the three of us are hanging around doing stupid immature things like we used to. I mean fuck, joey, I don't even see you anymore, and Shaun? I'm not even allowed round his place!"

"The old witch banned you as well?"

"Joey! That old witch used to do a lot of good things for us."

"She's a bigot, she hates gays, and after her performance the other day, I think she's gone just as mental as her son."

"Well, I wasn't there. She's always been nice to me, even now."

"Nice? So she bans you from her house, and you still consider her nice?"

"She said for me not to take offence, but that Shaun needed to rest and be alone for a while."

"What, so she can brainwash him or some shit. Look, Dean, I love you, but you can be so naive sometimes. She won't let him out because she thinks if she has complete control over him, she'll be able to help fix him. Mind you, come to think about it, it's probably a good thing he spends some time in isolation. He's like a fucking rabid animal right now."

"Joey, he's still our friend!"

"You don't believe that after what's happened to us, you expect us to remain best friends, do you?"

"Maybe I'm an optimist."

"More like fucking mad," I said, letting out a small chuckle. "Look, Dean, whatever happens, you and me are still tight okay? I know things are going to be a bit different from now on, but you and I can still be the same as we always were."

"And you and Shaun?"

"Too far gone, Dean, I'm sorry to say. If you knew… if you really knew what I went through at his house, you would understand me, and why I'm taking the line, I am."

I heard Dean sigh down the phone. "Jesus, this is shit. Now I have to run around all over the place just so I can see you both."

"Dean, your so-called best friend said you were conspiring against him and told you to go fuck yourself. I'm not trying to stop you from seeing him. You do what you want, but is that really someone you wanna hang around with anymore?"

"I can't just give up on him, Joey!"

"Yeah, and that's what I told myself… for a long time… too long, Dean. But in the end, he wears you down with his actions and words."

"Well, I don't know what to do. I just think maybe he needs our help, and you should…."

"Dean, do you know how frustrating it is to listen to you say this shit after what he's put me through. I owe Shaun nothing. I've been there for him, felt sorry for him, given him the benefit of the doubt, I've listened to him, watched as he monumentally shit on me and even after all of that, I went, and even fucking apologised to him. Dean, the guy is crazy, he's not the Shaun we knew, and my conscience is clear."

"Are you finished?"

"What does it matter? I get the feeling you're not listening to me."

"I'm sorry, I am. It's just I feel like a helpless prick."

"You are a prick, Dean, always have been," I said teasingly. "Look, I'll say to you what my brother said to me… life has a way of working itself out."

"Yeah, thanks, Joey, well, might as well get up. School time will be coming round soon."

"Yep, another day of fun coming my way."

"Hey, I got your back, yeah?"

"Cheers Dean, I'll see you there."

I hung up and put my head back down on the pillow. I got the feeling Dean was starting to feel the strain of what was happening to our trio, and I felt for him. I knew he was torn, I knew he wanted desperately to stay friends with both of us, but I also knew Shaun would end up burning him sooner or later like he had to me. Why did I know? Because Shaun had started on this road with me not long ago.

I noticed something else about Dean, too; he was acting more like a… human being. Yeah, I may joke about that, but Dean could be a real pain in the ass sometimes, and it was actually nice to see him display some real emotion, even if it was under rather crappy circumstances. I don't know; maybe he was starting to move away from his five-year-old mentality. God forbid!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Okay, class settle down and pull out your textbooks to page three-twenty-one," my teacher bellowed. I sighed and did as I was told. It was History, a lesson I was indifferent to, but lately, all classes were a chore because I didn't even want to be at school. Partly because I wanted to spend all my time with Jack and partly because of the shit I had to put up with while I was here.

"Hey Cork, I hear you suck dick now. Wanna suck on this?" Greg Baldwin shouted from the back of the room. The class erupted into laughter, sending me an embarrassing shade of red.

"Baldwin, headmaster's office now, and when he asks you why you are there, you will repeat what you said in my class. Let this be a message to all of you. I will not tolerate, and the school will not tolerate homophobic insults. It is a hate crime on the street, and it is a hate crime in this classroom. Baldwin, you are a cretin, now on your way!"

I sat stony-faced as Mr Peters carried on with the lesson. I felt so small, I had never had the experience of being bullied or made fun of at school before, and it was an unnerving feeling. I just tried to keep my head down and hope the bell would soon be ringing so I could get out of that room. As I jotted down some notes, I kept getting the feeling someone was looking at me over to my left. I made a quick glance, and sure enough, he was staring at me but quickly went back to his textbook when our eyes briefly met.

I had never seen this guy before and wondered how long I had been coming to this lesson without actually noticing him. Nonetheless, probably just another jerk making fun of me, I thought.

The bell rang out, and I packed up my stuff in double-quick time. I think I was that eager to get out of there. I was walking out of the door before anyone else had even got up. I headed towards my locker, needing to stock up with books ready for the remaining lessons before lunch.

"Hey." Came a voice behind me. I chose to ignore it, thinking it would be some asshole wanting to have their two cents about some aspect of my life. "Joey, isn't it?" the guy said as I was putting my key into my locker door. I turned around, it was the boy from History.

"Do we know each other?" I asked sternly.

"Uh, no… I started here a week ago."

"That's great for you, now if you don't mind, I'm a little busy."

"Right, okay, well, my name is Olly, but all my friends call me Orca. See you around."

"Hey, wait, look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, it's just been a rough few… never mind. Anyway, nice to meet you, and yeah, it's Joey."

"No worries… listen, do you mind me asking… what that prick said about you… is it true?"

"That I like sucking dick? You wanna know so you can go confirm it to your friends?" I remarked defensively.

"Not if you like sucking dick… if you're gay, and for the record, I don't exactly have any friends, I'm new here, remember," He said before smiling.

"What if I said I was?"

"It's gets easier, you know, once people get bored with it."

"Hang on, are you saying…"

"That I like sucking dick, to coin a phrase?"

"That you're gay."

"Yeah, I think that's what I'm admitting… to a guy I've just met, I might add." He said wryly.

"Well, do yourself a favour then and keep it to yourself, unless you want to go through it again, here."

He seemed to ignore my advice. "So, you never answered my question." He said, smirking.

"I would have thought at this stage of the conversation it would have become obvious. But if you still want it to come from my mouth, then yeah, I'm gay, and I'm actually seeing someone."

"Hey, I'm not trying to hit on you; it's just nice to know I'm not the only one. I was in my last school, and it was kinda isolating."

"I'm sorry… again. I'm not being very friendly, am I?"

He chuckled. "Not really, but it's cool."

"It's just been a rough morning, that's all. So, uh… why do people call you Orca?"

"It's a long story, but basically, I love to swim, and uh, when I was on holiday in Australia, I got bitten by a snake on the shoulder blade, and it sent my entire back a sort of black colour. So when I got back to the school and started swimming again, people said I looked like a killer whale."

I started to laugh. "Oh shit, that's hilarious and a very fitting name."

"Yeah, and it's usually a good ice breaker for meeting new people," he said before winking and walking off. Nice guy, I thought, nodding, before wrapping up things at my locker.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Lunchtime had rolled around, and I was joined by Dean and Toby while I ate. For once, Dean was not going on about Shaun, and Toby had shown us his latest scrape from skateboarding. I told them about my encounter with Olly and the fact we had a new resident homosexual at our school. This was met with rolled eyes from Dean and a thumbs up from Toby, for my benefit, of course, as I was certain Toby was not gay.

As I walked to my next class, I was met by my tutor in the corridor. "Joey, could I have a word with you, please?"

"Sure," I said with a smile.

"The headmaster wishes to see you immediately," He said, with a look of sorrow.

"Did he say what it's about?" I asked, my face turning serious.

"He's uh… he's asked that he speak to you personally."

"Oh… oh right, well I'll erm… I'll go there now then, thank you," I said before walking away. "For fuck sake, I bet this has got something to do with that prick Baldwin," I muttered as I marched down the corridor towards the headmaster's office. I arrived outside and gave the door a gentle knock.

"Come in." came a response from behind the closed door. I turned the knob and walked in. Mr Reynolds was sitting behind his desk and took his glasses off as I approached his somewhat oversized desk.

"You asked to see me, Sir?"

"Yes, Joey, please, sit down."

"Joey, I have asked to see you because, uh… well, I understand you are very good friends with Shaun Winters."

"Were, Sir, as you know, we had a rather bad falling out, which is why…."

"He isn't here; yes, I am aware of this," he said, finishing for me. "Joey, when did you last speak to Shaun?"

"Erm, it was two days ago, I think."

"Right, I see,"

"Sir, what is this about? I get the feeling I'm in trouble. Has his Mum contacted the police again about me?"

"I'm sorry, Joey, I wasn't aware the police were involved in your situation with Shaun."

"Well, I guess you do now." Shit Joey, learn to keep your big fucking mouth shut; now you've had it!

"Joey, you are not in trouble, but I need to inform you of some unfortunate news."

"What… what is it?"

"Joey, Shaun's mother, went into his room this morning, and tragically, it appears he committed suicide sometime in the early hours of this morning."

"Oh my GOD! No, that can't be. I mean how… how did he… how could he do…."

"I'm sorry to say it looks like he cut his wrists and died as a result of blood loss. His mother called an ambulance, but there was nothing they could do as he had passed away some time before he was found."

I put my hand to my mouth and promptly vomited on Mr Reynolds's carpet, probably with shock. I was lost for words, gutted… yeah gutted.

"I'm sorry, I'll clean that up," I said, rather robotically.

"It's fine. I'll have someone do it. Joey, I am going to call your mother and asked that you be collected from school."

"Dean… what about Dean Grissom, does he know?"

"No, not yet, I wanted to see you one at a time, and I picked you first. He will be called to my office when you leave."

"Right, I see. I'm sorry, I don't know what to say… I mean, we… I was ignoring him. He was calling me last night, and I was ignoring him… what if… what if…."

"Joey, let's not jump to conclusions as to the whys and how's. I realise this has come as a complete shock to you and the easiest thing to do is let your mind run amok. Would you like to speak with the school councillor until you are picked up?"

"What… uh no, thank you, I'll just wait in the parking lot if that's okay, you know, get some fresh air?"

I wandered out of his office like a zombie, my whole body numb. What the hell had happened? How had this become real life? Things like this only happened in the movies, I thought.

As I walked down the corridor towards the main entrance, school life just carried on. The noise, the banter, everyone just seemed normal, and yet someone who went to this school, a former best friend of mine, had killed himself. Shaun… Shaun, the name kept ringing in my head.

He was dead. It just didn't compute!

I sat on a wall just across from the bike sheds. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't, the numbness taking away and raw emotion that was screaming to get out of me. I knew things were bad, I knew he was bad, but to do this… to feel like you had no way out. Was it me, did I cause this, did his parents… did Jack?

As I sat there, it was strange. Now I knew he was dead the only memories that came to mind were good ones. It was like all the bad stuff we went through never really happened, and that only went to intensify the guilt I felt.

"You okay?" Asked Olly, suddenly appearing next to me, like some rabbit out of a hat.

"Shouldn't you be in class… and how the hell do you do that? How did you know I was here?"

"It's not rocket science, I saw you in the corridor, and you looked like you just found out Santa was fake."

"Santa's fake, well there goes another dream."

"What?"

"Nothing, just talking shit. Look, Olly, I appreciate you coming to see if I was okay, but I really don't want you to get in trouble for being out here."

"Well, I'm already late for class, so what difference does it make; besides, you looked like you could use a friend."

I sighed. "I could, but he's dead, ironic, don't you think?"

"I'm sorry, I guessed something had happened, but I didn't think it would be something that devastating. Wanna get out of here?"

"Well, actually, I'm waiting for my… Yeah, fuck it, why not; I'm supposed to be grounded, though."

"My Mum tried that once."

"What happened?" I asked.

"I brought her some flowers, and she cried. She let me go out an hour later."

I laughed, and we began to slowly walk towards the school gates. It was nice having Olly with me, actually, and this gave any vestigial worry I had about him getting into trouble with the boot. Olly talked a lot, and that was a good thing for the state of mind I was in. It was easy just to let him talk, easing my train of thought slowly away from the catastrophic news I had been presented with just moments ago.

"So, do you live nearby?"

"If I tell you, are you going to stalk me?"

"I might," He said, a grin forming on his face.

"I live about six miles away, on the outskirts of Limehouse."

"Not far from me then, I live in West Ham."

I smirked. "Poor you,"

"Hey, it's not that bad," he barked.

"No, it's not. I'm just teasing. So uh, where exactly are we heading?"

"I dunno, we're just walking, and as long as it's away from school, who cares."

"You hate school?" I asked, wondering if there was more to his comment.

"I hate the cruel people inside schools. I'm a pacifist, and it saddens me when I see innocent people just trying to go about their day and get an education. We all come into this world as equals, Joey, so what gives one person the right to hold dominance over another?"

"That makes a lot of sense Olly, life can be cruel as I'm finding out… hey, there's my brother, Roman," I yelled, mostly out of surprise.

"Roman?" Asked Olly, "Sounds rugged and handsome."

I waved to him, and he pulled up alongside us, winding down the window. He leant over the passenger seat and smiled.

"I just heard, are you okay? Mum said to come and get you, she would have done, but she's too far away at some auction."

"Yeah, it's sinking in; thanks for coming down."

"Wow, your brother's really hot, Joey," Olly blurted, loud enough for Roman to clearly hear him.

"I know," Roman remarked. "You must be... gay?"

"Actually, my name is Oliver, but you can call me Olly or Orca."

Roman raised a brow. "Orca?"

"It's a long story," I interjected. "Olly, I need to go home now; thanks for the company. You had better be getting back."

"Want a lift back to School, Fish?"

"If you are referring to the Orca, actually it's an aquatic mammal and a member of the Dolphin family, but I guess you can't be stunningly good looking and have the brains as well, dear, Roman."

"I guess not. Get in, you cheeky fucker. I'll drop you off."

"I'm honoured to be in the same space as you Roman, thank you for the ride." Roman smiled and shook his head before moving away, back towards the school.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

After dropping Olly off, Roman pulled back out of the school gates and headed for home.

"Is he always like that?" Roman asked, referring to Olly.

"I dunno, I just met him."

"I like him!"

"Why because he reminds you of you?"

"Something like that, and the fact he thinks I'm hot… anyone who says that about me gains instant respect."

"Oh Roman, you're so shallow sometimes."

"Hey, ignorance is bliss," he muttered. "So little bro, the shit has hit the fan with Shaun. How you holding up?"

"Okay, I guess it's a bit unreal. I keep shifting from sadness to anger."

"That's natural; you wanna talk about it?"

"What's there to say? In the end, I hated him, so that makes it easier to accept, I guess, but then if I didn't hate him, then he would probably still be alive. Is that a paradox?"

"Maybe, but you don't know his reasons, you never will, so what are you gonna do, spend the rest of your life taking the blame for this, or accepting he was in a bad place because of his own doing."

"I know… I know, Roman, it's just I can't help thinking I might have been some kind of catalyst."

"How do you think Jack will take it?"

"That's the million-dollar question, Roman, but I'm actually more worried about Dean. Despite all of what has gone on, he was still pretty good friends with Shaun."

"Does he know, do you think?"

"He should do by now. In fact, I'm quite surprised he hasn't called."

"So, what are your plans?"

"Yeah, when you get home."

"There is some stuff I need to do in the cellar, then I'll probably go and see Jack. I'm hoping to find out when he can come home with us."

"Want me to take you over there?"

"Do you mind?"

"No, it's not like I have anything better to do."

"Thanks then, that'll be good."

"Gonna tell Jack about your new admirer?"

"Don't start Roman, and anyway, he's your admirer, not mine!"

"Cool!"