The Great Mirror of Same-Sex Love - Prose - 18. Isabella Maria Ludovica "the privilege of possessing you"

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Ma très chère demoiselle,

To be deprived of your presence is a martyrdom that is not easy to convey. Anyone who has had the privilege of possessing you can feel what it means to be parted from your side and have no control over even the slightest reprieve. Not the slightest joy, not the slightest pleasure; everything becomes tasteless; one can only aspire for sadness and pain, [for] the most pleasant things lose their essence. Even music, the only consolation for all life-forms, is no longer sufficient to put disoriented ideas back in their rightful place. What should one do in this desperate need, when one is saddened; [when] one finds no fitter comfort than in sacred and miserable readings?

To that end, I’ve found a fix of sorts to solace me: in society; sheet music; tedium. I’ve applied myself to the reading of Taurreden ^[i] in order to mollify my sentiments once more. For a person can find such comforting descriptions there, and the tears which come out of these become so joyful; to the most unhappy people they illustrate the sufferings which we experience. This is the way a person thinks, my très chère mademoiselle, when they cannot have the joy of being with you. For to what else can she compare the happiness we feel when a person is able to throw themselves at your feet?

I hope to have this grace again soon, but in the meantime, I take leave of you with the profoundest respect.

To my most belovèd demoiselle,

From her thoroughly devoted and obedient,

Servant and sister

Isabella Maria Ludovica[ii]

Schönbrunn, the 23th of Oc[tober]. 1761

[AC Benus]