The Great Mirror of Same-Sex Love - Prose - 36. Lawrence of Arabia “Sex is an integer in all of all”

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“Sex is an integer in all of all”

(Upper-class Gay men in England were affected deeply by “trade,” or so-called lower order men available for sex. T. E. Lawrence wrote a LOT about these activities, mostly copping a tone of mild damnation, but all the while engaging in relationships with men that privately debased himself as a “sub”, or an inferior submissive to a man’s natural (ab)use of him.

His sudden death in a road accident meant all the carefully filed carbon copies of the man’s correspondence survived and were published. His ‘Sir’ letters to his Dom are famous in the BDSM community.

The following is a letter he wrote to an upper-class friend from an army base.)

It seems to continue itself today, because I’ve been wondering about the other fellows in the hut. A main feeling they give me is of difference from the R[oyal] A[ir] F[orce]. men. There we were excited about our coming service. We talked and wondered of the future; almost exclusively. There was a constant recourse to imagination, and a constant rewarding of ourselves therefore. The fellows were decent, but so wrought up by hope that they were carried out of themselves, and I could not see them mattly. There was a sparkle round the squad.

Here every man has joined because he was down and out: and no one talks of the Army or of promotion, or of trades and accomplishments. We are all here unavoidably, in a last resort, and we assume this world’s failure in one-another, so that pretence would be not merely laughed at, but as near an impossibility as anything human. We are social bed-rock, those unfit for life-by-competition: and each of us values the rest as cheap as he knows himself to be.

I suspect that this low estimation is very much the truth. There cannot be classes in England much more raw, more free of all that the upbringing of a has plastered over you and me. Can there be profit, or truth, in all these modes and sciences and arts of ours? The leisured world for hundreds, or perhaps thousands of years has been jealously working and recording the advance of each generation for the starting-point of the next – and here these masses are as animal, as carnal as were their ancestors before Plato and Christ, and Shelley and Dostoevsky, taught and thought. In this crowd it’s made startingly clear how short is the range of knowledge, and what poor conductors of it ordinary humans are. You and I know: you have tried (Round Tabling and by mouth) to tell all whom you can reach: and the end is here, a cimmerian darkness with bog-lights flitting wrongly through its gas.

The pity of it is, that [I’ve] got to take this black core of things in camp, this animality, on trust. It’s a feeling, a spirit which colours every word and action, and I believe every thought, passing in Hut 12. Your mind is like a many-storied building, and you, its sole tenant, flit from floor to floor, from room to room, at the whim of your spirit’s moment. […] At will you can be gross and enjoy coffee or a sardine, or rarefy yourself till the diaphancité [sic] of pure mathematics, or of a fluent design in line, is enough to feed you. Here—

I can’t write it because in literature such things haven’t ever been, and can’t be. To record the acts of Hut 12 would produce a moral-medical case-book; not a work of art but a document. It isn’t the filth of it which hurts me, because you can’t call filthy the pursuit of a bitch by a dog, or the mating of birds in springtime, and it’s man’s misfortune that he hasn’t a mating season but spreads his emotions and excitements through the year, but I lie in bed night after night with this cat-calling carnality seething up and down the hut, fed by streams of fresh matter from twenty lecherous mouths . . . and my mind aches with the rawness of it, knowing that it will cease only when the slow bugle calls for ‘lights out’ an hour or so hence . . . and the waiting is so slow . . . .

However the call comes always in the end, and suddenly at last, like God’s providence, a dewfall of peace upon the camp . . . but surely the world would be more clean if we were dead or mindless? We are all guilty alike, you know. You wouldn’t exist, I wouldn’t exist, without this carnality. Everything with flesh in its mixture is the achievement of a moment when the lusty thought of Hut 12 has passed to action and conceived: and isn’t it true that the fault of birth rests somewhat on the child? I believe it’s we who led our parents on to bear us, and it’s our unborn children who make our flesh itch.

A filthy business all of it, and yet Hut 12 shows me the truth behind Freud. Sex is an integer in all of us, and the nearer nature we are, the more constantly, the more completely a product of that integer. These fellows are the reality, and you and l, the selves who used to meet in London and talk of fleshless things, are only the outward wrappings of a core like these fellows. They let light and air play always upon their selves, and consequently have grown very lustily, but have at the same time achieved health and strength in their growing. Whereas our wrappings and bandages have stunted and deformed ourselves, and hardened them to an apparent insensitiveness . . . but it’s a callousness, a crippling, only to be yea-said by aesthetes who prefer clothes to bodies, surfaces to intentions.

These fellows have roots, which in us are rudimentary, or long cut off. Before I came I never visualised England except as an organism, an entity . . . but these fellows are local, territorial. They all use dialects, and could be placed by their dialects, if necessary. However it isn’t necessary, because each talks of his district, praises it, boasts of it, lives in the memory of it. We call each other ‘Brum’ or ‘Coventry’ or ‘Cambridge’, and the man who hasn’t a ‘place’ is an outsider. They wrangle and fight over the virtues of their homes. Of solidarity, of a nation, of something ideal comprehending their familiar streets in itself – they haven’t a notion.

Well, the conclusion of the first letter was that man, being a civil war, could not be harmonised or made logically whole . . . and the end of this is that man, or mankind, being organic, a natural growth, is unteachable: cannot depart from his first grain and colour nor exceed flesh, nor put forth anything not mortal and fleshly.

I fear not even my absence would reconcile Ph.K. to this.

—Lawrence of Arabia,[i]

private letter of 1923