The Scarlet F - 10. Chapter 10- Leave the Light on

Hi, Brian, it's James,
So right now our father is god knows. I've been staying at best friend Matt's house for three weeks. I like his family, but I can't take living with them. They have a lot of rules and stuff like that.You know what I mean? I'm thankful that Matt's parents took me in and all, but they are getting on nerves. The only good thing is that every night Matt lays in bed with me. We talk (he's a really good listener) and we fall asleep together. I know it's strange but it's actually helpful. Anyway, how are you? I would really like hear from you.

I dropped the letter into the mailbox as Matt and I headed off to school.

"I'm sure he'll write back, you're brothers." Matt tried to reassure me.

"I don't know Matt, he has never written back before."

 ***

Donovan stood in front of the class, introducing us The Great Gatsby.

“You will notice the book talks about the green light from Gatsby’s house. It’s a metaphor for hope and love. His everlasting love for Daisy. Gatsby does everything, all the money and all the parties, are not for him, but for Daisy. He leaves the light on for her, hoping one day they reunite. for love.” Donovan said.

Matt and Alfreda were...were flirting. She was staring at him, smiling at him, and laughing at his corniest jokes. He was doing it too. He was telling her she looked nice and helping her gather her books. I looked down and tried to ignore it.

Donovan's voice snapped me out of my daze. "Esposito." He called me as everybody was leaving.

"What?" I groaned.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fi..."

"I don't give me any more of that 'I'm fine' crap"

I dropped my bag on a desk. "Honest?"

He nodded. "Honest."

"I'm grateful for the Edwards and all, but they're..." I took a breath, "they're just such a family. I mean even my family, wasn't that family enough. You know?"

I didn't understand why I was saying this to him, but I was.

He nodded. "I get it. They can get annoying, huh?"

"Yea."

"Well, you're welcome to call me anytime you need a break or something."

"I know, you already told me that." I rolled up my eyes and grabbed my bag.

***

Stray dogs howl free in the moonlight.

They enjoy being wild in the dark, for it is in the cage where they feel trapped.

I know it wasn't great. I was thinking on top of my teenage head. That night I thought I'd just walk around town until I got tired. I didn't have a plan or any clue. I just walked around thinking to myself. I thought of the stars, the streetlights, and the people rushing around.

Then I heard someone yelled, "Jimmy."

I turned around to see Benny holding a can of spray paint.

"Hey, little bro?"

"I thought you were locked up."

"Yea I was. But I got out, in my own special way of course." He smirked and looked over at the rest of his gang spray painting some building (it was too dark to see what building it was).

"So you want to have some fun?" He chuckled waving the can in my face.

"I don't think so," I mumbled walking a few steps away.

"Faggot," Benny yelled.

I lost my breath.

"What?" I almost cried.

Then another voice called me out. I turned around to see Joey.

Benny smiled, "My good friend here told me that you like looking at dick. What a disgrace you are to the Esposito name, you probably got that aids thing too."

I felt my throat tighten. I wanted to break down and cry."That's not true. I'm not a fa..." I couldn't say even say it.

"Faggot!" Joey corrected me.

Benny devilishly chuckled again. "Well, you should do respond to it."

I slammed my foot against the ground, "That word means nothing to me."

Benny and Joey turned to each other nodded and smiled.

Joey tossed me a paint can, "Prove it."

I didn't feel right about this.

"What?"

"We dare you to spray Faggot on that wall," Joey commanded motioning to the guys leaning against the already vandalized building. All of them were now staring at me too.

"If you're not a fag then you should have no problem with this," Benny smirked.

The right choice would be to run away back to the house and let everybody forget about this. But of course, I was destined to make the wrong choice in the dark. I walked toward the building with the can shaking in my hand.

As I held up the can to the wall they cheered. "Do it, Do it."

"I'm not," I screamed as sprayed the F in red paint. I sprayed the red paint.

As I paint the wall, I bleed. For I'm stabbing myself, for what I am. I paint as I try to bleed it out.

I manage to hold back the tears as I painted the G. The gang was yelling, "Fag, fag."

"I'm not," I screamed over and over again until I crossed the T.

I stared at it. "FAGGOT" is big red letters. "There, You happy now?"

"I guess, we were wrong about you." Joey chuckled.

Then we heard cops coming. Naturally, it was now every man for himself. I dropped the can and ran. I ran like I should have run before. However, I wasn't fast enough.

The cop shined his flashlight on my now tear-soaked face.

"How old are you?"

"14." I cried.

He bit his lip then whispered, "Come on."

"Am I going to jail?"

He smiled, "No. Don't think you're a gang leader, right?"

"No...I'm not with them, trust me," I said as I was climbed into the police car. I started to feel a little better and very relieved.

"Well, I still have to tell your parents."

"My parents?"

"Yea, what is your address?"

I panicked so I lied, "Um, my parents are out-of-town."

He raised an eyebrow, "Okay? Then are you saying a friend's house or something?"

I knew I couldn't go back to Matt's house now. I knew that his parents would give me hell.

"Hello?" the cop snapped.

Then I noticed Donovan's apartment was near.

***
Donovan's face was a mixture of shock and anger.

"Do you know this kid?" The copper asked.

He nodded, "Yea. Officer, can you tell me what this is all about?"

The cop told him.

"Vandalism?" Donovan barked.

The officer rolled his eyes, "He said he staying with you?"

Donovan stared at me silently for a minute then finally nodded, "Yea, he is. His folks are out of town."

The cop nodded and left.

"Thanks for covering for me. Matt's dad would have freaked if I had shown up with that cop."

"Would he have yelled at you?" He yelled.

"Okay, I get it." I groaned not wanting a lecture.

"I don't think you do." He hollered again.

I stopped moving, "I'm sorry I screwed up your night. I'll leave now."

"No, you're not." he yelled, "You're crashing here tonight."

He pointed to another room. "That's my guest room. Not much but there's a bed. I'll call The Edwards' in the morning.

 ***

The next morning Donovan drove me to Matthew's house. Neither of us really knew what was going to happen. Donovan made a decision not to tell them about the cop and I made a decision not to tell to Matt anything about it either.

As soon as we got there, Matt grabbed my hand and starting mothering me his bedroom hallway. "Where were you? Do you know worried I was?"

I look over at the door, "You know they're talking about me."

He nodded.

"I can't take this shit."

I ran into the kitchen when they had retreated to talk. Matt was pleading and telling me to stop, but I had to see.

"Where do you think you're going?" Donovan called me out.

"Why do you care?" I smirked.

"We came up with a solution, thinking maybe you would like it."

"What is it?"

"My place." He nodded.

"Why?" I mumbled again.

"Guess I could use a roommate ." He smirked.

"You're not my dad."

"Won’t try to be."

I looked over at him, "Okay. So should I go pack?”

“Yea” he nodded.

He had no idea what to do. He walked away to talk more with Mr. Edwards.

“Wow, so you’re going to go live with Mr. Donovan.” Matt said from behind me.

“Yea.” I turned to him, “Thanks for everything. But maybe this isn’t the place for me right now.”

“Ok.” Matt agreed, “But if ever want to come over, I’ll leave my window unlocked.”

***

That night I sat by the window my new bedroom at Donovan's apartment staring at stars in the sky. My mind battled if this was a good thing or a bad thing. My dad wasn't there to beat me anymore, yet my mom wasn't there to cover up the scars. Donovan was a cool guy, yet he was also a hard ass. My relationship with Matt had grown stronger, yet I was lying to him. I took out my notebook and looked back at the night sky.

The sky was black, but the light from the surrounding buildings appear to create lines. It looked like blue and purple steaks with pink highlights going across. I was not going to bother figuring how simple lights make such colors. It created a fascinating beautiful image, why analyze it.

I doubt it would work, but I wondered if I left my a light on in my room. That it would somehow bring my parents back to me.

I opened up my notebook to a clean page.

As the stars meet my eyes I start to wonder something.
Are stars the lights trying to peek through the dark night?
Or are stars more like tiny bullet holes cutting through the earth?
This an unanswered question, for the stars are too far away to ask.