The Scarlet F - 8. Chapter 8- May 12

May 12 will always a date in my head.

May 12 is the day I wish to forget but always will remember.

May 12 was the day my trust started to break.

May 12 started as a normal morning, well normal to me. I rolled out of bed, put on some oversized clothes, and thought about how much I hated going to school. Dad wasn't home, he was "out of town", which meant he was doing who knows what. That wasn't new.

"Mom," I called walking into the living room.

My mom was sitting on the couch smoking. She looked awful. Her skin had no color in it. Her hair looked like one big black rat's nest. Her eyes were so pale that they looked almost dead.

"Mom?"

She turned to me, "Hey baby."

I took a seat on the arm of the couch "You okay?"

She just stared at me without saying a word then finally said, "I'll be fine."

I laughed a little "Well I have to go into the pit of death called school." I gave her a kiss on the cheek and joked, "Go put on some lipstick."

She laughed so I thought it was okay to leave.

                                                                                                                                                                      ***

Matt and I were sitting at lunch. Matt was venting to me about how a bunch of kids saw his dad shocking the sleeves and were making fun of him.

"My dad was so embarrassing," Matt complained.

"Your dad isn't that bad." I tried to reassure him.

Then my dad (thankfully sober) walked in with the principal chasing behind him.

"Dad!" I almost shouted while getting up from my seat.

Principal Adams shifted his eyes between the two of us, "Oh..."

I turned to my dad, "Dad can't you just go home?"

He looked at me with his deep blue eyes. I had seen his eyes millions of time, but it was the first time I've seen them like this. They were sad, even weak. He took a breath, "Your mother is gone."

I shook my head, "What do mean?"

"Your mama ran away."

Matt tried to reach out to me.

"So..."I caught my breath, "What are you going to do?"

"We go after her."

I didn't know rather feel flattered or insulted. Since when did my father and I become a "we"? I wanted to scream at him that he should clean up his own mess for once.

I found myself being able to hold back my anger. "No. Dad, I can't just ditch school."

Dad shook his head and walked out of the lunchroom.

"Jamie, are you okay?" Matt looked at me with the "I want to help you" look.

I put on a fake smile, "Yea why wouldn't I be?" I faked laughed as I ran out. I caught up with my dad in the hall.

"Esposito."

Dad and I stopped. I turned around to see Donovan.

"Who is that?"

"Just my English Teacher."

"Where are you going?" Donovan asked in the doorway of his empty classroom.

I felt like the last thing I needed was to talk to my teacher, "Listen, Tony, we are a bit busy." I rudely smirked.

Donovan looked at me noticing my disrespect "If something is wrong, you can tell me."

Dad spoke up, "Jimmy might be a bit upset."

I hated him calling me Jimmy.

"See, my wife has...run out us and so we need to go find her."

"Dad," I murmured. "It's none of his businesses. It's not like he cares."

"Of course I care, I do care." Donovan tried to look into my eyes as if he were trying to look into my soul. I refused to let him. I lowered my head. Donovan got out a piece of notebook paper and wrote something on it. "Listen, this is my phone number and my address. If you... or the two of you need a bed, I got an extra." He handed the paper to me.

I smirked and ran out.

***
We spent the whole day asking around. Nobody knew where she was and with every "no" dad become more and more upset. You would think that having his wife leave him would make a man stop drinking, but it just made him drink more.

He dropped me off at a motel room and went to a bar.

My heart was screaming. I wanted to yell "You beat her, you broke her, and you made her leave."

As I laid there alone I was analyzing my relationship with my mother. I never questioned why she left my dad. The real question was why she didn't take me with her. I would have agreed to it in a heartbeat.

After every beating, she would come in with that make-up kit. On the surface of the skin, it may have just looked like makeup, but our little talks felt so deep. I thought of her as the only another person who could understand me. But now I didn't anymore.

I just wondered if this was planned or a part of a sudden breakdown. Either way, it proved to me she didn't love me enough.

I started to take deep breaths, "...My mother doesn't love me...my father doesn't love me..." I whispered to myself.

"Shit, I don't even love me."

I didn't want to say it aloud, but my mind was wandering into a dark place. My mind was wondering why there was so much bad around me. My mind was wondering why I supposed to be alive. My mind was wondering who would care if I died.

These thoughts scared me. I suddenly didn't trust myself being alone in the quiet.

I turned on the television, hoping maybe to find a comedy. I flipped through the channels, passing up a bunch of soap operas, crime dramas, and talk shows. Then I saw something...two naked women were kissing. I realized I have gotten into the "special channels". I had heard of porn, dad, Benny, and all the guys talked about...you know jerking off to it. But as I watched these women I felt disgusted. They looked so cheap and fake.

Then I turned the channel and what I saw made me drop the remote.

Two hot guys, I mean they were smoking hot, on a bed shirtless. As they took off each other's pants I felt a tugging feeling in mine. My eyes glued. My brain told me to turn it off, but my body couldn't stop.

"Hey, Rex let's do it doggie style." One of them spoke in between two kisses.

I gasped and dug my nails into the bed. As I watched them the tingling feeling grew more intense. It was as if my...penis...was calling "touch me, touch me" It was this frustration and inner battle. I tried to my hands on the bed, but I found I was moving one down my waist, in my jeans.

The door swung open, it was the guy who worked at the front desk. He looked at me with his mouth open. I realized my hand was still my pants. I immediately took it out and stood up.

"Um...I was just...bringing you some clean sheets." He whispered carefully putting the pile of sheets on the bed.

I started to cry, "I'm sorry."

"It's none of my businesses." He said walking out.

I sat back down wiping away the tears.

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't be alone.

Then I realized had Donovan's address was still in my pocket.