The Scarlet F - 5. Chapter 5- I'm not a fag

I walked through the halls on our first day of high school, with Matt right by my side. I kept looking over at him sweating and shaking.

Damn, he's so cute when he's freaking out.

I wasn't worried until I saw Matt's small body being flung up against the lockers. I didn't mention to Matt that I already knew who was pinning him down.

Beanie Macro and I were neighbors. His father would make you bleed for not putting ice in his drink. I guess it wasn't shocking that Beanie was pinning down a harmless freshman.

"I don't like your face," Beanie growled.

I caught his eye and nodded. He recognized me and nodded, then let go of Matt.

I stepped in between them, "We were just looking for our homeroom. We promise not to get in your way."

As they walked away Matt turned to me, "What was that?"

"Don’t worry about it." I said sarcastically.

We felt a tap on our shoulders. We turned around to find Alfreda.

"Alfreda." We both said as we hugged her. She joined in on the group hug, but in the corner of my eye, I couldn't help to notice her embracing Matt a bit tighter.

Despite everything, I was honestly glad to see her friendly face.

"We are so happy to see you." Matt smiled.

"Well, that's reasonable." Alfreda nodded, "As it is the first day of high school, we entitled to feel nervous and out of place and cling to anything familiar."

Yea, she always sounded so smart.

"So," she went on, "Have each of you thought about your plans for high school?"

I rolled my eyes, "I just want to get out alive."

She flipped back her long hair, "Well, one, it is important that I maintain straight A's and high test scores. I also want to join the debate team, because I'm going to be a lawyer." She turned to Mac, "And

Matthew I think you will be interested in the Audio- video production, chess, or math club."

Matt struggled, “We'll see.”

We looked down at the green papers in our hands.

"First period Mr. Donovan's room 458" Alfreda answered.

"I got the same thing." Matt nodded.

I laughed, "I got him first period too. Donovan? I bet he's a total asshole."

The bell rang.

"Well then supposed to be better get to the nut factory," I smirked

We walk into the room and got confused.

There was guy with a blonde mullet in a black leather

I was shocked. I had never a teacher with long hair.

He gave us a quick smile, "You planning on sitting down?"

"I am Mr. Donovan. I'm here for homeroom and English." He scanned the classroom, He went on with the "it's your first-day" speech that they had clearly written for him. I could tell by the sarcasm in his voice and the little jokes he cracked as he read the paper.

He was funny, honest, and not old fashion at all. He was the first teacher that I didn't mind being around.

The bell rang and Donovan yelled out, "Have a nice day and don't get killed."

                                                                                                                                                                         ***

Matt slammed his lunch tray on the table. "I'm dead."

I laughed "You're being overdramatic."

He sat next to me, trying to stare into my eyes. I turned away slightly; it was too hard looking at him without thinking about kissing him.

"I ran into Joey Romano."

I dropped my fork, "What happened?"

Joey Romano was another one of my neighbors. I think the best way to describe Joey Romano is a mixture of a want to be Fonz and Al Capone. He was rumored that he was a part of mafia...yea that stereotype. I couldn't confirm nor dein the mafia thing, but I did know that he was like co-leader of my neighbor gang, with my half-brother Benny.

Matt said, "I bumped into him and He said he’s going to kill me."

"No, he won't," I demand.

I sneaked out of the lunchroom and into the boy's restroom where Joey's "school offices" were set up. Joey was having a smoke by the urinals while Beanie was shoving some poor kid's head in a toilet. He saw me and gave me a crooked smile.

"Hey, its Benny's little brother...um Jimmy?"

I hate being called Jimmy.

"I go by James" I smirked.

He rolled his eyes, "You want something Jaaammes?"

"Yea, I heard you ran into my friend Matt."

"Who?"

"Black curly hair? Glasses?"

"Oh, little Matlin" he laughed.

Then this hunky jock walked up to the urinal next to us. I was trying to look at Joey, but I felt one of my eyes glance over at the jock unzipping his jeans and whipping out his…

"Hello?" Joey smirked seeming to notice my distraction.

I looked back at him. "Anyway, please don't kill him."

He laughed "See here's the thing, Jimmy. I have a rep here that need keep. So your friend Matlin...yea you're going to have to say goodbye to that goofy face."

"Oh come on Joseph..."

He shoved his face into mine, I could taste the smoke. He hated being called Joseph as much as I hate being called Jimmy.

"Don't ever call me that, faggot." He screamed.

The jock turned his head and quickly zipped his pants back up and ran out.

"What?" I whispered shocked, confused, and scared all at once, "What did you call me?"

Beanie came out from the stall with some poor kid that ran out too as soon as he was set free.

Joey took another puff, "I saw you checking out that guy's dick. I bet you wanted to kiss him too."

On the inside, I wanted to cry. I had heard that word being used around since I was a kid. Back then I didn't really know the real meaning of that word, but I knew what he was implying. However, at that moment I felt more range than tears.

"I'm not a...a faggot" I took a breath "I wasn't checking out anybody. Do you know what? You're the one that mentioned him...so maybe you're the faggot huh?"

I knew the second it came out of my mouth that I was going to get the crap beaten out of me.

"Beanie," Joey command as he snapped his fingers. Without even thinking about it, Beanie grabbed my neck and shoved me into the small stall.

***
I didn't tell Matt about my interaction with Joey. He actually didn't feel much like talking either. My mind was flashing while hearing Joey's voice repeating "faggot" over and over again. I spent the whole day biting my lip and trying to keep my face emotionless.

"Are you okay?" Matt asked me as we walked home together.

His held an ice pack to his black eye, soaking wet from his beating. Joey and Beanie didn’t kill him but they sure left a mark.

"You seem upset?"

I stared at him "Do I?"

"Yea," he said shifting his backpack around "Is it...you know...him? Do you need to spend the night at my house?"

"Matt it's not about my dad," I whispered.

"Okay, Jamie."

***
That night I walked into the apartment to see my mom finishing up her makeup. Her makeup was getting more colorful, and her clothes were getting more revealing. I don't think my parents hardly talk to each other at that point.

"Hey." I greeted her.

"Hey baby, how was school?" she asked applying her ruby red lipstick.

"Okay...for you know school." I laughed "By the way mom I don't think the blue polka dotted top looks good on you."

"Really Hun?" she said examining her outfit "Should I change?"

"Yea," I said grabbing a coke and sitting at the kitchen table by her. "You look great red. You should wear that red halter top you have."

She left the room for a minute and came back wearing the shiny red top and pour herself a shot of whiskey.

"You are so right, babe. I'm lucky to have a son with such an eye." She kissed me on the cheek.

"So do you think dad will come home tonight?"

"I wouldn't plan on it,"she laughed as she finished the drink. "Well I have to go work the bar tonight,"

I rolled my eyes. She was defiantly "working" the bar.

"Mom," I whispered.

"Yea baby."

"I love you," I called out just because I was curious to see how she would respond.

She paused and grabbed the doorknob “You too...there are leftovers for dinner." she said before walking out.

I heard the door close. I walked over and got out my black notebook and started to write.

I can honestly say the more I live the less pain I feel
Because the feeling of pain starts to feel more normal.