The Scarlet F - 14. Chapter 14- Alfreda’s Make-Up

Hey, Brian, it's James,

I am now in the 11th grade. I've lived with Tony for over a year. Tony and I are doing well... there are just some topics that we avoid. Matt is still dating Alfreda...so that's going on. I've been dating a lot too...but um...nobody special. I've had sex with...multiple girls... the girls seem to think I'm good at, you know, the sex stuff...so...never mind. So how are you?

I was fixing my hair in my locker mirror.

"Come on, your hair is fine," Matt whined. "Now can we go?"

Matt grabbed my head and started messing with my hair.

I pulled his hands down, "Matt, come on."

"I know I sound crazy." He panicked, "It's just that I'm surrounded by people with great hair and good looks."

Well, he is right. I do have amazing hair.

Then, of course, Alfreda walks with her beautiful locks, "Hey, what's going on?"

Matt shook his head, "It's nothing I'm just a little insecure about my looks today."

"Oh come on, looks don't matter." she sugar-coated.

"Well, that's easy for you to say your gorgeous," Matt smirked, "Well, you don't have this giant nose and this ugly curly hair." He went on, "Look at me."

I bit my lip. I could have told him I thought he was cute. But guys don't say that to each other.

Then I started to notice something different about Alfreda.

"Are you wearing makeup?" I blurted out.

Her eyes shift nervously while she played with her hair, "Yea. so what?"

I shifted my eyes confused, "I didn't think you wore makeup."

"Well." she stated, "I thought I'd try it."

"Why?" Matt chimed in, "You don't need it."

"Matthew" she huffed, "It's my face. If I want to put on makeup I will."

He nodded, "Yea, of course."

He kissed her on the cheek.

***

One day, it was makeup. The next day, it was earrings. And the next day, it was new clothes. Alfreda had changed, most obviously on the outside, but something else was going on.

I looked over at the pack of guys gathered around her and I also saw Alfreda flirting back. Alfreda wasn't herself. She was acting like a ditz. The Alfreda that I've known for 12 years didn't flip her hair. She didn't cast a girly laugh when some guy told her a cheesy joke. The Alfreda I knew seemed above that, smarter than that. Something was wrong.

***

Leah Thompson was giving me a blowjob in the girl's bathroom. But I was...distracted...yea that's the word I'll stick with. I heard the door open and saw Alfreda's new heels.

"Hey Leah, thanks a lot but I have to go talk to someone."

She nodded and put my dick back in my jeans. "Call me" she whispered before she opened the stall and walked out.

Alfreda shot me a dirty look. I brushed it off.

"Okay, I think we need to talk ." I put my head against the wall, "Why are you acting like this? "

She looked at me for a minute then frowned. "Jamie?"

I was surprised that she called me Jamie, she never did that before.

"Yea?" I replied.

She stared at a sink mirror, "James...you're a guy...right?"

I nodded, "Yea?"

She put one of her hands on her forehead, "Does Matt find me attractive?"

I felt something strange was going on. I got this sickening feeling.

"What? Why would you ask that? Don't you see the way he looks at you?"

Then she mumbled something. Something she didn't plan on me hearing. But I did hear it.

"Yea, but you should see the way he looks at you."

"What? What do you mean that?" I asked.

She bit her lip, "Oh you know. Matt's face when he looks at you...that goofy smile and the way his eyes follow you. It's like he's..." she stopped herself.

"What?"

"I think it's he's just jealous of you...of your hair and stuff." She nodded. She nodded more to herself than to me. She started playing with her hands, "Yea that's why he looks at you like that because he wants hair like yours." Her voice started speeding up, "I just think about English class and that literally theme, appearance versus reality. And when I think about it. It scares me not to know the difference. What if I'm wrong James? What if I'm right? What if I'm either?"

Her panic scared me.

"Okay, Alfreda" I hugged her, "There's nothing to worry about. Matt loves you."

***

That night I was having sex with Jennifer Nickerson. Jennifer was a bitch...but she also tall, blonde, and popular, which was the reason I think I went out with her. Sex with Jennifer felt even more annoying because she yelled out demands. But...her bedroom had posters. Posters of half-naked guys, Hollywood heartthrobs actually. I know this sounds messed up, but the only way I could "get through it" was to put my attention on those posters. Then I fought with myself about it all the way home.

The guilt was boiling over as I sat down on Donovan's couch. I wanted to remove some of my heavy makeup. I needed to talk to somebody.

"Tony."

"Yea, Esposito." He replied as he washed the dishes.

"Okay there is something to I need to share"

"Ok, what?"

"I don't...like having sex with girls."

Imagery black lines were coming down my face. "In fact, the only way I can even kiss them is if I...think about guys."

I heard Donovan putting down a plate and walking closer.

"I just have these feelings...feelings that I don't want to feel."

Donovan sat down next to me.

I looked up at him then back down, "I remember reading The Scarlet Letter in your class. Hester wears a big red A on her chest. I feel like I have my own scarlet letter. I felt like people see it. So I want to cover it up...but instead of the letter A, I wear the big letter F...for faggot."

Donovan grasped, "Are there people calling you that?"

I nodded, “My brother and the gang from my old neighbor.”

He lightly rubbed my shoulder, "Those guys are jerks. There is nothing wrong with you being gay."

That word again. That word scared me.

"Esposito" Donovan tried to reach out, "Don't worry I won't tell anybody."

"God I don't want to be so empty inside anymore." I took a deep breath, "And I don't want to be so self-hating anymore. And I don't want to be so closeted anymore."

Then I said something out loud for the first time.

I cried out, "...I'm gay"

My body shook at the sound of those coming out of my mouth. Yet, I felt weight huge was lifted from me. I felt I had washed the dirt off myself.

I breathed out "I'm gay."