The Scarlet F - 15. Chapter 15 - Mom I'm gay

I woke up, rolled out of bed, and walked into the living room to hear singing.

"Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you."

Donovan, Matt, and Alfreda stood in the kitchen with a cake.

"Happy Birthday to James."

I covered my face.

"Happy Birthday to you."

I laughed through my hands.

Matt grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the cake.

"You really shouldn't have."

"Come on Jamie, it's a cake no big deal."

Alfreda placed a candle in the cake and lit it.

"Make a wish."

I leaned over and closed my eyes. I know birthday wishes are stupid, but it's hard to come to up with one. A wish shouldn't be life or death, because you don't want to be disappointed when it doesn't come true. Yet a wish shouldn't be wasted. Just in case there is some kind of magic tied to store-bought candle placed on a store-bought cake.

I searched my brain for the perfect wish. The perfect sentence. But my mind couldn't seem to put the words together.

We heard a knock on our door.

Donovan got up and opened the door.

It was my mom.

I wanted to cry, scream, and jump all that at the same time.

"Can I come in?" She cried.

I nodded, "Um...um yea."

"Where have you been?"

"Kind of all over the place."

"So what brings you here?"

"Well, I looked at a calendar and I saw realized that's your birthday was coming up and..." She met my eyes and ran to hug me, "Jimmy...I'm so sorry"

I hugged her tight, "I missed you."

She kissed my cheek, "I missed you too baby."

"So do you need a place to stay?" Donovan chimed in.

"I don't want to be a bother," she replied.

"I got a couch, it's no bother," he said.

"Well, alright. But only for a few days, okay?" she hugged me again, "So are my boy's birthday plans?"

"Well before you came, we're having..."

I turned back to the cake, the candle was half way melted. Wax dripping on the cake.

"Oh my god, I forgot about the cake."

I walked over to the cake, bend over and blew the candle.

                                                          ***

I came home from school to find my mom was in the kitchen.

"Hi, Honey," She greeted me. "What kind of food does Mr. Donovan like?"

"Anything with pasta," I put my bag down. "Why?"

"I want to cook him something special, as a thank you for letting me stay here."

Then...I decided to go for it. Something I had been thinking about since she came home. I remembered the kind of bond we had. I remembered much I used to thrust her. I remembered how good she was with keeping secrets.

"Mom, can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure, babe what's on your mind?"

I took a breath and sat down at the table, "Mom...I've grown a lot in the time that you have been gone and...in these past years I've been..."

I started to cry.

"What's the matter?" She reached out to rub my shoulders.

"Mom I always felt that you were one of the few people that loved me. I don't want to lose you...that's why I'm scared to tell you this."

She kissed the top of my head, "You're my baby, and I don't want to lose you either."

"I've been going back and forth on this for so long, and...I don't think it's something I could change."

She nodded, "Okay...are you in trouble in the law?"

"No." I shook my head.

"Did you get a girl pregnant?"

"No." I laughed.

"Did you..."

"I'm gay" I finally blurted out, "Mom, I'm gay"

She removed her hands.

"You don't really know that." She stated.

"Yea, I do."

She dropped into the chair. She put her hand on her forehead. "This is all my fault."

"Wait, what?"

"I was an awful mother, and because of me you hate women."

"What? Mom, I don't hate women."

That's when I realized that this wasn't going to be fun girl talk. I stood up knocking my chair to the floor. "What's going on here?"

"Jimmy, being…that...is unnatural."

"You sleep around, you dress like a slut and then you leave your own family to do god knows what...then..."

I took a few deep breaths.

She stared at me silently for a second then commanded, "You not a...a gay you just think you are."

She pushed back her hair, "I understand why you feel the need to act out."

"Acting out?" I screamed, "You think I'm acting out? I'll show you acting out."

I flipped the chair over the table then stomped out and into my room. I fainted on my bed rubbing my red eyes.

"What the hell was I thinking?"

 ***

I woke up the next morning with a headache. Crying all night will do that to you.

I took a deep breath, "Today is a new day. Maybe now that she's had time to process everything...we can try to talk."

I walked out of my room to see Tony sitting on the couch, where my mother was supposed to be sleeping.

"Hey, Tony. Where's my mom?"

He took a deep breath.

"I came home and the blankets were folded up. Your mother is gone...again."

I went back to my bedroom.

I was cursing myself out, "Why you have to go on and fuck everything up?" I screamed.

"Why did you have to say anything?" I dropped to the ground and started banging my head on the wall.

I have learned a bitter lesson.

Yet it is the most important to my education in life.

You don't know how much you meant to me.

You don't know how much I need you.

You don't know how much you taught me.

I'm scared by your deepest lesson.

A scar I will try to cover up with blush. But I'll still see it bleeding.

The more you love someone. The more they hurt you