The Scarlet F - 18. Chapter 18 - My Isolated Museum

"What do you think of Holden's thoughts of the museum?" Shawna asked me sitting across from me at our dinner date.

We were reading Catcher in The Rye in English class. Catcher in The Rye one of the books that probably changed my life. D.J. Salinger really seemed to understand the mind of a rebellious, misunderstood, loner teenager. I think that I would have an interesting chat with Holden Caulfield.

"I love that part, how it symbolizes a frozen and peaceful world," I said biting into my veggie burger.

Yea, I said my veggie burger. I had thought about becoming a vegetarian for a while, maybe it was because after Shawna showed some documentaries, I had grown politically aware of the disgusting way factories process meat. Shawna had been a vegetarian for a few years for the same liberal and artistic reasons. She taught me all about the vegetarian options, even pointing out that there was a way healthier and better-tasting veggie burger.

"But don't you think it enables his isolated behavior? By staying in an environment where the world is things are closed off and impersonal?"

I loved discussing literature with her. She was into writing too, though her writing was more political than poetic. We had been dating a little over two months now and this relationship was different from the others. One, we never had sex, she never asked about it and I cared way too much about her to touch that subject. Two, she didn't annoy me. Three, I felt she honestly valued my thoughts and honestly valued hers.

"Well," I shook my head, "Maybe his isolation isn't such a bad thing. The real world is crazy. And he doesn't like rapid changes and snuggles to find people with enough intellect to open up to. Why shouldn't he isolate himself?"

***

I was hanging out with at Brian's apartment. Brian and I ordered Chinese and were watching some 80's action movie.

"I love ice shaking," Brian said out of nowhere.

I turned my head licking off the sauce of my fingers, "What?"

He took a breath, "It seems the only way we're going to open up to each other is if I start."

"And ice shaking is your deep dark secret."

"No, I just thought it would help break the ice."

Whether the pun was intended or not, I still laughed. "Okay...well, I actually have never been ice shaking."

"Cool." he cheered. "Maybe that's something we can do together."

I shrugged, "Maybe."

We said nothing for a while.

"When I was a kid," Brian started. "I was always confused why my last name was Esposito and not Smith. My mom didn't tell me about my real dad until I was older. But I always felt different. I looked different. I had a different last name. I knew I wasn't a Smith, but I knew I wasn't an Esposito either."

I nodded, "Well, being an Esposito isn't that great. You got lucky."

"James is it true...that our dad was an alcoholic?"

I bit my lip.

"James?" he asked.

"Yes," I casually said. "He was abusive when he drank."

"Did he..."

"Hit me?" I nodded, "Yea...me and my mom."

He put his hand on my shoulder.

"Why didn't you ever return any of my letters?"

He raised his eyebrows, "What?"

"I wrote you like a billion letters and you never wrote me back. Why?"

"I never got any letters."

"Yea right," I smirked.

Brain gently grabbed my arm and shook his head, "I never got them."

"If you had, would you have written me back?"

He nodded, "I would have definitely written you back. If I would have known that you wanted to see me, I would have called you years ago."

I took a breath, "Yea...so if told you something big...you would keep it between us right?"

He nodded pulling way, "Of course."

I wasn't sure why I was going to tell him this. I couldn't even tell my best friend for over 12 years, so why I could I tell my half-brother that I've known for months?

"You're not going to believe this." I chuckled.

"Okay, try me."

I brushed my hair back, "Brian...I'm gay."

It still wasn't easy to say out loud but better. I shut my eyes and breathed.

Brian started laughing, "Seriously?"

That was a shock. I wasn't sure if it was a good reaction or a bad reaction.

"Yea," I nodded. "Is that a problem?"

He shook his head, "No, I have no problem with that." He laughed again, "It's funny because I'm actually bisexual."

I gasped, "What?"

"Yea, I like guys too." He nodded, "Is that a problem?"

I laughed, "Wow."

"So...do you have a guy, like a boyfriend or something?"

I shook my head, "No...do you?"

He smiled. Really big.

My mouth dropped and I felt this wave of excitement, "You do! Oh my god, who is it?"

He took a breath, "Owen, isn't just my roommate."

I put my hands on my cheeks, "Wow,...that makes so much sense. How did it happen?"

He crossed his legs, "Well, we connected the day we met in lit class, and I, of course, I thought he was cute...and funny. Then we um...ended up in bed together."

"In bed? As in..."

He nodded.

I couldn't believe it. "Wow."

Then we heard our front door opened.

"I'm home," Owen's voice called out.

Brian got up and wrapped his arms around Owen's hips.

"I told James about us."

Owen's head jerked back and he turned to me, "What? How did it go?"

"Great." I told him, "I'm honestly happy for you guys."

Then Brian kissed him right on the lips.

It was the first time had seen two guys kiss in person. Watching them made me feel a certain kind of sinking in my heart. I know that I'm twisted, troubled and screwed up in all sorts of ways. But I couldn't help to think that I wanted something like that. If only I wasn't in my isolated museum.