The Scarlet F - 11. Chapter 11- My Selfish Desires

"I'm thinking about asking Alfreda to be my girlfriend?"

It was near the end of the summer. I was actually having a cool time living Donovan. I especially loved it when Matt came over. The three of us sat in Donovan's living room watching TV and eating pizza. We were having a good time until Matt brought up the subject. He just had to ruin my night by saying those words.

"I'm thinking about asking Alfreda to be my girlfriend?"

I almost dropped my pizza.

Donovan chuckled, "Wow."

Matt nervously shifted his eyes between us. "Do you think I should Mr. Donovan? She's nice and smart and pretty and ..."

"You think she's pretty?" I bitterly squeaked.

They both stared at me confused.

"Yea? I do." Matt nodded.

"You okay?" Donovan asked.

I shook my head, "Mac, why would you want to tie yourself down?"

“Because I like her.”

"Well," Donovan smiled. "I think you have a good shot at it. I think she likes you too."

"Thanks, Mr. Donovan. So what do you think Jamie?"

I took a gulp of my coke. I didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't know I was thinking. I didn't want Matt to be with her, yet I didn't want him to be denied of anything. So I put on my makeup smile. "Sure, go for it, man."

He gave me that sweet smile and patted my shoulder. I pretended to ignore the hot feeling.

***

One bright summer morning I walked out of my room half asleep, but I quickly woke up when I saw Donovan reading my black notebook. I quickly grabbed it from his hands.

"What the hell are you doing with this? How dare you read this? You have no fucking right to go through my things." I yelled.

"Sorry I just saw it lying on the table and, I just…is this you're writing?"

"How much did you read?" I yelled sitting on the couch waiting for him to kick me out.

He sat down next to me, "Esposito…"

"How much did you read? Did you read everything?"

"Clam down. No, I didn't read everything, but I read…"

"I'm sorry." I squealed cutting him off.

He started lightly patting my shoulder, “You better be sorry. Sorry that you didn't tell me you were such a good writer.”

I lifted my head, "Good? You think I'm good?"

He smiled at me. "I think you're great. Your metaphors, your repetition, your imagery of emotion are amazing. Why didn't you write like this in my class?"

"I don't know," I mumbled.

He moved closer to me and stared into my eyes, "Don't give me that crap. You can be honest with me."

I laid back on the couch and started fidgeting with my fingers, "I'm from the projects. We not supposed to write poetry and stuff."

"You really think that? You are really going to let that cause you to hide how talented you are?"

"Talented?" My eyes spread wide open. I had never heard anybody call me talented before. "It doesn't even rhyme."

He chuckled, "Listen, I'm not putting down Dr. Seuss, but great poetry doesn't have to rhyme."

"So you're not going kick me out?"

He shifted his eyes. "No, of course not...Hey, have you ever been to a poetry slam or a poetry reading?"

I shook my head.

"Well that's something we are going to do, hell we'll do it today. We'll go to that coffee shop down the street tonight."

***

I walked into the first day of sophomore year with an overly excited Matt.

"I'm telling you Jamie, a new year and new me." He cheered.

I laughed, "Alright man."

Then we saw Alfreda.

Matt stood nervously beside me. His big lips shaking.

He looked over at Alfreda, “Just that…look at her."

"Just go up to her and say hi, you've known her all your life."

He mumbled, "But look at her."

I had to admit she had really “grown”. She had developed breast, her body had become curved, her hair was straightened, and I couldn't figure out exactly what it was but her face somehow had changed too.

She smiled when she saw him and acted just like herself walking up to us give each of us a hug. “Hey, guys. How was your summer?”

Matt shrugged, “Okay…very summery.”

She and I laughed like normal people. However, Matt’s chuckle sounded more like a witch. It was his nervous laugh.

I bit my lip.

Alfreda shifted her blue eyes and stared at me, her eyes basically saying "help". I gave her a "I'm sorry my best friend is a dork" face.

"Esposito."

I turned around to see Donovan behind me with a packet of paper. "Hey, I wanted to tell you about this poetry contest…"

"Shh." I cut him off.

"Poetry contest?" Matt asked with his eyebrow raised.

I yelled. "He must be out his mind if he thinks that I care about some shitty poetry thing."

Donovan stared at me with disappointment and shifted his eyes between Matt and me.

"I'm sorry. My mistake." He smirked throwing his hands up.

***
Matt spent all morning waiting for the right moment. Interesting enough Alfreda kept looking to him, several times in class as she was waiting too. I joined them for lunch.

“So I hear there are some good movies coming out this weekend.” She started.

“Oh,” Matt nervously said.

“Do you have any plans Matthew?”

“I...don't think so.”

This is so awkward.

Then…she kissed him. His reaction was slow almost like he was unsure, but he closed his eyes real tight and lean into it. I crossed my arms and pretend not to care. I knew it wouldn't be their last kiss. I knew that it was coming, but for some reason, I still found it hard to watch.

I quietly left as they kissed some more.

***

I dropped onto Donovan's sofa and took a deep breath.

"They’re now dating." I whispered to myself, "They are together. This is how it's supposed to be. Why aren't I happy for them?” I put my hands over my eyes.

"You okay?" Donovan asked as he walked in.

I didn't move my hands, "Matt and Alfreda are now dating."

He grabbed a coke, "I thought you were good friends with Miss Johnson?"

"I am, it's not about her." I shook my head, "I just...I can't explain it."

He sat down on the chair next to the couch.

"Um…" he bit his lip. He just stared at me for a minute then asked, "Do you want to go to the coffee shop tonight?"

I sat up, "No I got a date tonight."

He stared down at his coke then back up at me, "With a girl?"

I raised my head. Why would he ask me that?

I nodded, "Um yea?"

He put his hand up and paused. He opened his mouth like want to say something, or ask something.

He finally put his down, "Okay, you guys have fun." he quickly said as he walked to his bedroom.