The Scarlet F - 23. Chapter 23- We had the same blue eyes

His breath tasted like alcohol.

His dick felt huge rubbing against me.

His name was...Brice, Brandon, Berry I don't know.

I didn't want to know. I didn't care. I felt like all I wanted was a beer in my mouth and a dick up my ass. Drinking. Partying. Sleeping Around. That's what college students should do.

Right?

I didn't know anymore.

Since Matt and I broke up, I didn't know anything anymore. We were still roommates, but I didn't really sleep there a lot. I missed sleeping with Matt. I missed everything about him. Of course, I wanted to be with him. But I couldn't have him.

So tonight Mr. What's his name was nibbling on my ear. I spotted Shawna all in gold walking by with a hunky piece of dark chocolate. I quickly hid the beer behind my back.

Of course, I wasn't going to let her see it. She understood the idea of me sleeping with other guys, but if she saw me drinking she slap the bottle down (and slap my face). Then she will give me a big lecture. She was a good friend. Too bad I wasn't.

She gave me a smile, "Hey would you be okay if I left? Are you covered?"

Mr. What's his name chuckled, fingering my ass, "Oh he's covered. He'll be covered in something."

I turned back to her and nodded, "I'm okay."

She nodded with understanding and walked by.

"So," Mr. What's his name moved his lips around my neck. "Why don't we go to my place and fuck like crazy."

Is it bad I was actually turned on?

I shot down the rest of the beer and kissed him.

***

I woke up naked lying next to another stranger. I got up and gathered my clothes. He didn't even know that I left. I stopped by the dorm to get changed and headed off to class. I was able to wake up and act sober. So I wasn't out of control, right? I was getting coffee with Shawna in the student lobby when I heard Matt laughing.

"Don't turn around," Shawna whispered.

I didn't listen to her. I wish I did. I turned my head slightly. I saw Matt...talking to a guy. I bit my lip. I wanted to grab this guy by the neck. I couldn't stand seeing my Matt flirting with someone else.

Matt checked his watch and smiled...oh his smile, "Well I got to go...so pick me up at eight?"

The guy nodded. I wanted to punch him. As Matt walked away our eyes met. We stared at each other for a moment. I wanted to grab him and kiss him until we were both out of breath.

But instead, I just nodded and "Hey Mac."

He nodded and waved as he walked away, "Hey Jamie."

I felt Shawna patting my shoulder, "That must have been hard."

I shook my head, "I'm okay."

***

My brother needed help moving a dresser.

Brian and I walked up to the door of his building, with our arms full, when I felt a third pair of hands reaching out behind me.

"Need help with that Jimmy?"

"It's James," I smirked.

I turned around. He was fat with short gray hair, squeezed to a sweater. I didn't recognize him at first. Not until I saw my blue eyes staring back at me.

Dad's eyes seemed to light up looking at us.

"Hey let's put this down, huh James?" Brian said.

We sat the dresser down on the street. Then my dad hugged me. It was strange, he rarely hugged me but when he did it was nice. It was kind of like hugging a big teddy bear. He let go of me and then hugged Brian.

"What are doing here?" Brian asked.

Dad chuckled, "I thought I'd visit my two boys in college and take them out."

I noticed a weird chip hanging from his neck.

"What's that?" I asked pointing to it.

He cracked half smile, "This is my 1st-year sobriety chip." He took a deep breath. "That's why I was hoping you were both here."

***

We had dinner at some steakhouse. As I glanced at the menu I realized that there no vegetarian options. And when I asked the waiter and got the "You gotta be crazy" stare.

"Um...no," he answered.

"No tofu?"

"Toe what?" The waiter shifted his eyes.

That pretty much answered the question.

I nodded, "Then I'll have a salad then."

My dad was staring at me confused, "What is that all about?"

"Um...I'm a vegetarian."

He slowly nodded confused, "When did that happen?"

Here we go.

I brushed my hair back, "Since about a year or so ago."

"So how that goin?" he asked as if he didn't know what else to say.

"It's good. It's not usually that this difficult." I smirked.

"Why don't you like meat anymore?"

I rolled my eyes, "One, the horrible slaughter of animals in disgusting factories. Two, it's full of chemicals and fat."

He nodded again, and then change the subject. "So I've been in recovery regularly. Weekly meetings. "

"Good, that's good," Brian replied.

I said nothing.

"When I realized my wife had really left me. I went down a dark path."

I was looking down, squeezing my lemon into my water. I was thinking what would happen if I tried to order wine. Partly out of spite. Partly out of need.

"Then I got too drunk and punched two cops. Went in the slammer."

"Oh wow." Brian grasped like it was such a shock.

I stirred my ice water with my straw.

"But sometimes jail can be the best thing," Dad said, "I couldn't drink anymore and was forced to get sober."

It was good to hear. However, it didn't make up for everything.

"James," Dad called me for the first time.

I looked up slightly but unable to make direct eye contact.

"James, I'm sorry. For everything."

I knew he was sincere, but that didn't mean he was trustworthy.

Dad chuckled, "Wow, my two college boys. So what are my Einsteins planning to do?"

"Well," Brian said, "I'm studying business." He looked over at me. "And James is going to be a writer."

I shot my brother a look. I didn't want dad to know that.

But I was rather surprised to see my dad smiling at me. "Wow a writer, we got ourselves a Shakespeare." He chuckled. "When is that start?"

I stared down at the ice in my water, "It was something I just started doing ever since I was a kid...Donovan really got me into it." I shrugged.

"Wow lookie there. I knew living with that teacher was good for you. I would like to see some of your work sometime."

I put my hand on my forehead, "I don't think it's your kind of thing."

"Oh, but I still want to read some, it's my boy's work." He said.

That actually meant a lot to me. But I didn't show it.

Dad and Brian made small talk until we got our food, which of course caused another oh so great chat with the waiter.

"Ribeye rare. Sirloin medium rare..." then he smirked, "and your salad."

As he left he mumbled under his breath, "Fag."

I quickly looked at my dad. He was looking down cutting his steak. Good thing, he didn't hear it.

"Boy, this is good. James, do you ever miss meat?"

I swallowed a bite of my salad, "No dad I do not miss it, most of that's just fat and heart disease."

He took a few more bites, then he asked the question. The question.

"So you boys got any special lady friends?"

"No." I said trying not to laugh, "I don't have a girlfriend." It was a simple reply, with no need for further questions. That was smart.

Dad turned to Brian, "How about you? You are seeing someone special?"

Brian's answer wasn't as smart and simple. He had Owen. He took a drink then a breath, "I am actually in a relationship."

Dad laughed, "That's great. What's she like?"

"Um..." Brian started, "I'm with someone who makes me laugh, makes my life interesting...very interesting, and...who I know cares very much about me."

Dad nodded, "What's her name?"

Brian mumbled around for a bit then got up, "I gotta go to the bathroom."

I got up too, "Yea, I got to go too."

I went caught up with Brian, he standing at a sink staring into the mirror.

"Do you think now is the time...we come out to him?"

I chuckled, "No, come on let's not waste our time."

"He's our dad and if he's going to be staying around..."

"He's not staying." I cut in, "Trust me. He'll be gone again before we know it."

***

After dinner, we went to Brian's apartment.

"Hey, guys," Owen called out walking into the living room.

"Hey there." Dad waved, "So who are you?"

Brian took a deep breath, "This is Owen, my...roommate. Owen, this is my dad."

Owen stared at him confused for a second but nodded with understanding.

Dad smiled and shook Owen's hand, "Hi there."

"He's in town." Brian cheered as if he were a child on Christmas morning.

"That's great." Owen sweetly said wrapping his arm around Brian's shoulder trying not to be too affectionate.

I couldn't take this shit.

"Hold on, he's not staying." I barked getting up, "He never has and he never will."

"Son..."

I got louder, "This is so like you."

Now I was yelling, "Over and Over again. You seem all nice and good and I think things will be okay. And just when I think we're gonna be happy. You take off again. Hurting everybody in your path. "

Making promises. Never being able to be happy. Taking off. Hurting people. That started to sound familiar. I looked into his eyes.

We had the same blue eyes.

"Oh my god," I screamed. "I'm you."

"What are you talking about?"

I was really yelling now, "I'm talking about the fact that I can't keep a relationship. That I run away and push everything down. That I can never find any inner peace. That I can never just accept being happy. Because of you, I hurt the one man that I love more than anything."

He raised his eyebrow, "I did you just say, man."

I was too angry that I didn't realize that. I didn't fucking care. I was too mad to worry about it.

"Oh, yea that's right," I yelled. "Since you had been so out of touch with my life, you didn't get the memo. I'm gay." I was yelling as loud as I could, "I'm gay. I'm super gay"

Then I saw my dad clutch his chest and collapsed.