The Scarlet F - 22. Chapter 22- Isn't that what you want?

While Matt laid sleeping on my chest, I thought about sex in another way. The sex was amazing. To feel someone inside of you, to feel connected, to experience mutual pleasure.

I loved Matt more than ever, but...I couldn't stop my mind from wandering. I was a terrible person. I am a terrible person. I must be.

There I am laying next to this wonderful guy in a great college dorm that somehow managed to get and I for some reason I can't feel satisfaction. My mind kept going back and forth. I'm happy. I'm not happy. I banged my head on the pillow.

What is wrong with me? What can't I be fucking fulfilled already?

"Hey, there." I heard Matt laugh smiling up at me, "How are you?"

I wished I could've let him in. I wished I could have talked to him. But I didn't want to ruin moment this over what may be nothing.

"I'm great Mac." I kissed him.

***

I was in student lobby getting a coffee when I noticed a hot blond guy in a purple scarf looking over at me. I nodded acknowledging him.

He walked up to me smiling. "Hey, Elvis."

I laughed. He was referring to my hair, I had it kind of curled up a little in the front with a few free stands. I had to admit it looked it a little Elvis.

I curled my lip and said in a deep voice, "Thank ya, thank ya very much."

He kept giving me this sexy smile. I couldn't help to find myself doing it right back with a smile. I didn't mean to do it...I just did it.

The hot guy laughed, "I'm Cameron."

Then I felt a pair of arms around my waist, "Hey Jamie."

Matt rested his head on my shoulder. He had gotten extra affectionate now that his sex drive had been activated.

I shifted back to the guy, "I'm James and this is my friend Matt."

Matt looked over at me confused, "Friend?"

"Oh." I panicked realizing that I had made a huge mistake. "Boyfriend I meant boyfriend."

Hot guy nodded "Oh so you two are together?"

"Yea." I kept panicking, "Boyfriends."

The hot guy chuckled, "I'll see you two around."

He nicely waved walking away.

Matt had already taken his arms off me, "You called me your friend."

I took a drink of my coffee, "It was just a slip."

He wasn't going to let up. "Was it because you were afraid to say that you were gay?"

I shook my head, "No. This is not a gay thing. I'm over that."

It was true. I wished I had that excuse right now.

"Then what is it?"

I looked at the clock on the wall, "Listen I got to get to a class. Let's not get into this." I kissed him on the cheek, "I love you. It's nothing, but I verbal slip. Please let it go."

Then I walked off hoping to believe in the words I was saying.

***

After we came back from having dinner at the Edwards, I knew Matt would need to "talk". No, nothing dramatic happened. But during dinner, I was very quiet and kept stuffing my mouth. Why was I stuffing my mouth? Okay, I'll admit to you. I'll fucking admit. The whole time was eating with them I had this raging need to run down to the nearest bar or liquor store get a drink.

Come on. I was starting this scary world in college. My passive aggressive boyfriend is mad me and I can't say that did nothing because a part of me thinks that I did. Hot guys are flirting with me, and I kinda want to flirt back, yet I don't want because I love Matt. I've had to spend my life jumping from one problem to another, never being able to happy. Yes, I want a damn drink.

Matt seemed to catch on. "Why can't you just tell me what you're feeling?

He nagged sitting down on our bed.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "We are not even sure how we feel about this relationship."

"We?" He raised his eyebrow. "I'm sure, and I thought you were sure too."

I took a breath this was not going to turn out good, but he deserved to know, "Part of me thinks that I want to be free, but I still very much have feelings for you. And that scares me. I don't know what to do."

"Express that? Then you'll be in love someone that's in love with you. Isn't that what you want?" He pleaded.

I took his hand and stared at him whispering. "You're an amazing guy."

"Isn't that what you want?" He repeated.

"I don't know what I want." I got up and yelled, "I just confused okay. I don't think...I don't think I'm ready for this."

"You're the one that asked to move in together." He yelled, "You're the one that started all this. You slept with me, and now you're the one saying you're not ready."

"I know, you deserve so much better."

He shook his head and bit his lip, "So we are done?"

"Done? Like we're breaking up?"

"Isn't that what you want?" he asked again.

I couldn't answer that. I felt myself shaking, "Are we still best friends?"

He went quiet and took off his glasses. He rubbed his eyes and begin crying.

"Maybe I should stay somewhere else, for at least tonight," I said throwing some of my clothes in a bag.

And I walked out.

I walked out leaving him in tears.

***

"Let's face there is something wrong me," I yelled crying on Shawna's bed clutching my bag.

"Nothing's wrong with you," She sat next to me and consulted. "You're just hurting and when you're ready, you'll meet someone new."

"I don't wanna meet somebody new," I explained. "It's me. I had something great and I blew it."

"James..."

"What if I'm incapable of being in love with anybody?"

There was a knock on her door.

"Shawna, phone for you." A co-ed called out.

"I'll be right back," she reassured me before leaving the dorm.

I opened my bag and pulled out my mom's lipstick.

I kissed the bottle, "I wish I was as strong as you Maria."

Still holding the lipstick, I went the bathroom to wash my face.

"I don't need a drink. I don't need a drink." I kept repeating rocking back and forth.

I heard Shawna walk in and put her arm around me, "That was Alfreda, she's staying at your place tonight with Matt."

"Really?"

"Yea, come on you know that Matt is crying to Alfreda just like you're crying to me."

I hated that I made him cry.

"How is he?" I choked.

"Well, Alfreda said she hopes he'll be okay. She said they're going to eat ice cream, watch movies, and cry it out."

"They would to that." I nodded.

"Yea, that's them. But do you want to know what I think we should do?"

"What?"

"Honey were movers and shakers. I say that you get cleaned up and put on those black pants that make your ass look great. I'm going to put on some makeup and that strapless red dress. There's gotta be a party somewhere around here and we were going to go to it."

She was right. We were more of the party type.

I looked at her in the bathroom mirror, "Yea sure."

***

We were having fun dancing together, when I felt a tap on my shoulder, "Hey Elvis."

I turned to find Cameron behind me, I smiled, "Hey."

"Oh perfect," Shawna cheered. "He's hot."

She shifted her eyes and whispered, "You deserve to relax and if something bad happens, you come and find me okay?"

She gave me a peck on the cheek them smiled at him and walked away.

"Where's your boyfriend?" He sweetly asked.

I took a breath, "We broke up."

"Oh I'm sorry...may I ask why?"

I rolled my eyes, "We just both felt that we should...explore."

That wasn't the truth but I wanted it to be.

He nodded, "So can I get you a beer?"

I know I should have said no. I could've just said no and he would've said okay and we would've moved on. But for me, nothing can be that simple in my life.

"I would love one."

I am my own antagonist.

I've pushed away my own chances of happiness

I must go to my mistress that is my own nature

Alcohol, oh alcohol I call you to make me forget

I call on you that you convince me when I'm happy