The Scarlet F - 13. Chapter 13- Disgusted

I was making out with Brad Pitt. Okay no, it was Diana Rogers. It was that night that her parents weren't home on her couch that she shocked me.

"Let's go upstairs." She whispered.

I didn't like the sound of that. I knew what that meant, but I wasn't sure what say about.

"Why?"

"So we can you know...make love."

I swallowed, "Diana...that doesn't sound like you."

"I know. But I really like you, James."

"Well I like you too, but..."

"Come on, I keep hearing about this “sex” thing. I just want to know what it feels like. Don't you?"

I nodded. She was right. "Making love" felt like a big secret. Adults talked about it as if were murder. Girls talked about it as if that it was juicy gossip. Guys talked about it as if we're to make you man.

I know some of you think that 16 is too young. But in my reality, it wasn't. I would hear guys brag about doing it at school almost every day. Honestly the more I heard the more it sounded like it was less about sleeping with girls and more about impressing guys.

Diana grabbed me by the hand and dragged me up-stairs.

"Wait, we can't," I yelled out as we sat her bed.

"Why?" She examined pulling off her top, "You don't want me?" She pulled her knees to her chest and frowned.

I wanted to do the right thing and be honest with her. She deserved to have her first time with a guy way better than me but…

"It's because I'm flat chested uh?" she started.

"No, no." I reassured her putting my hands on her knees, "Your chest is fine. It's great."

"Is it because I'm fat?"

"No, no. Diana, you're not fat at all."

"Is it because I'm not as pretty as the other girls?"

"No, no. Diana, you're totally beautiful and I would love to do it with you but..."

"But why?"

I wanted her to stop crying, yet give a reasonable excuse.

"Um...it's just that..." Then I had a thought, "I don't have any protection."

She tilted her head, "Oh I thought guys carried around condoms all the time."

"Well, I accidentally left them in my other pants." I nervously laughed.

She nodded, "Okay, then I'll just get one form my brother's room." She got up and left the bedroom.

I started taking deep breaths.

"Oh Shit. What is wrong with me?"

I pushed my hair back. "Okay. Okay. Maybe I can do this. It can't be that hard...and maybe after seeing a girl all naked and stuff I'll...just act cool."

Diana walked back in holding up a square piece of foil with an ugly off-white circle in the middle.

She handed it to me, "Here you go."

"Um... thanks. Do you mind if I go...put it on in the bathroom?"

She nodded, "Okay, I'll be here waiting."

I tried to act my coolest as I walk out. I started freaking out in the bathroom. I had never put a condom on before and wasn't really sure how. First I couldn't open it. I had to bite down and rip it (I think I hurt my teeth). I looked at the small rubber item and thought how in the hell am I going to put my dick in this thing. I kind of stench it out as far as I could. I inhaled and placed my dick in the rubber. I lost my balance and almost fell. I wondered if it was too late to run. I wanted to just go back in time and undo all this. I had calmed myself down by the time I pulled it over...then. Then I let it go.

It snapped.

"Ow," I screamed.

"Are you okay?" Diana called out.

"I'm fine...I'm just getting in the zone."

I looked in the mirror. I took a deep breath. Pushed my hair back. Pulled up my pants. And walk back to the bedroom.

Now if you think I'm about to describe some horror movie scene your wrong. I opened the door to see Diana in her bra and underwear. She was pretty. Honesty, she was. Bright blue eyes. Long wavy blonde hair. A sort of hourglass figure. She nervously shifted positions on her bed. She laid on her stomach and tried to look seductive. Then she shook her head. Then she laid on her back with her legs open. She shook her head again and sat up with her legs crossed. I couldn't see she was having the same feelings I was. Scared. Worried. Unsure. Lost.

I also couldn't help to notice the irony of the color white. White, the color of purity. The color of Dana's under where. The color of her sheets. The color of the condom I was wearing.

"Oh, hi," she said noticing me.

I waved and walked to the bed. "So you already took your clothes off."

"Oh I'm sorry." she squeaked, "Were you supposed to be the one doing that? I'm sorry, I don't know exactly how this works."

"No, no that's fine...should I take mine off now?"

She nodded, "Yea, I think that is what you're supposed to do next."

I sat down on the bed while I pulled off my black shirt. I shut my eyes tight to stop any tears that might come as I pulled my pants and underwear down to the floor.

"So...what's next?"

"Well in the movies, people start with kissing."

I nodded and kissed her. This kiss felt the most awkward. I guess because we both knew what was going to happen. She laid herself down and I got on top of her.

"Do I need to take off my bra too?"

"No, you don't have to."

I helped her slide her panties off, "Okay let's...um do this." I moved down her body.

I think I almost threw up. To me, her vagina looked some hairy monster plant thing.

"Is everything okay?" She asked.

"Yea...I was just admiring you."

I should have stopped right there. That would've been the right choice. But instead, I grabbed my dick and tried to put in it. I shifted it and slid into the opening. I freaked out.

"Oh." Diana squeaked.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked.

"A little, but I’m okay." She replied.

I looked down. It was in. "Okay."

So I started "thrusting" my hips. This didn't feel right. Being on top of her. Being inside her. Looking at her. None of it felt right. There wasn't any heat or anything people said there would be.

I just kept doing it. My mind trying to figure out what to do. What to think. What to touch. I just shut eyes and kept thrusting. Praying, yea praying that I would start to feel something.

It was quiet except for Diana's occasional yelps. It felt like it dragged on for forever. Then thankfully…

"Diana, we're home."

Diana pushed me off, "It's my parents."

"Diana, are you in bed?" a woman's voice called out.

"Get your clothes on now."

I wasn't going to disagree with that. We quickly put our clothes on. I just felt so relieved that it was over.

"Hurry." She sniffed opening her bedroom window.

I started to hear footsteps.

"I'm coming up Angel." a man's voice spoke.

I hopped out that window grabbed the drain pipe slid down. I didn't start breathing again until I was on the grass. I laid there for a minute with my pants unzipped and took off the dry condom. My first thought was to run Matt's house.

***

I walked into his living room to see Matt and Alfreda on the couch with green stuff on their faces painting Alfreda fingernails.

"Come on, Debbie go after him." She screamed at the TV.

"You know David is your soulmate." He cried out too. Matt was a sucker for romantic comedies. So was Alfreda.

"Hey, Mac." I waved.

"Hey Jamie." he cheered.

"Hi, James" Alfreda smiled.

I rolled my eyes, "Hey Alfreda."

I went over and sat on the couch leg next to him, "Hey Mac can we go talk for second...alone?"

He nodded, "Sure let's go to my room."

I started walking up the stairs with him following me. But couldn't help to notice my best friend was walking like a penguin.

"Okay, why are you walking like that?"

"Because my toes aren't dry yet." He replied pointing to his feet.

His toenails with silvery and white. I looked down and chuckled.

***

When we got to his room I laid down on his bed, "You would not believe what happened tonight."

Matt carefully laid down next to me, "Did something happened with Diana?"

We laid next to each other with our shoulders touching staring at the ceiling. I wasn't going to tell him everything, but I had to share something, "Yea ...I slept with her."

"Slept with her? As in?"

"Sex."

He grasped, "Sex? Actual sex"

I nodded.

"Wow." he muttered, "How?"

"What do you mean how?"

"I mean like...I don't know. So...how was it?" I took a breath.

"Can I tell you the truth?"

"Best friends don't lie to each other."

That was the biggest lie of all. How ironic.

"Well, I had to put a condom on."

His mouth dropped, "Wow, I don't even know to put one on."

"I didn't either, but I...um figured it out."

"Does it hurt?"

"Yea."

"Ouch...so...was it like good? The You know what?"

I didn't want to answer that question.

"It...I don't know. It was okay I guess."

"Wow...so what is going to happen to you and Diana?"

"I don't know. I didn't think about that yet."

"Do you love her?"

"No."

I quickly smirked. Matt tried to turn his head.

But he ended up spreading some of that green stuff on my face.

I sat up and wiped it off, "What is this?"

"Avocado, it's not bad but it could use some salt and pepper."

I laughed. That's my Matt.

"I'm serious," he remarked.

He wiped some on his fingers, "Come on, taste it."

"I don't want to." I chuckled.

He kept trying to stick his fingers in my face, "Oh come on."

I kept on laughing and dodging them. He playfully pulled me down on the bed. We just went on horsing around. It was silly, crazy, and it made no sense...and it was perfect.

Then I felt his fingers being shoved into my mouth. My tongue naturally wrapped itself around them. I can't describe it but there was suddenly this taste in my mouth. A breathless feeling in my lungs. A heat source in my stomach. I didn't know why...until I realized it. I realized that I was licking Matt's fingers.

I pulled them out of my mouth and jumped to my feet. "Um...you're right...it could use some salt."

I turned back to look at him. He didn't move at all.

"Um...yea."

"Hey...I've had a busy night, so I'm gotta go," I said opening his window. "Okay."

He nodded getting up from his bed, "I should probably get back to my girlfriend anyway...Good night"

***

On the walk home, it hit me. Those few seconds sucking Matt's fingers make me feel more than that whole night with Diana. I was still processing my first time having sex. I couldn't believe I did that. I begged my body to feel something...but I just felt disgusted.

But I felt disgusted.

Disgusted by her.

Disgusted by myself.

Tears were coming down my cheeks as I walked into my apartment.

"Esposito?" Donovan worried, "You okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I argued running into my room.

I dropped on my bed trying to steady my breath.

"What's wrong?" He sat down next to me.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Donovan put his hand on my shoulder, "Is it about school?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Is about your parents?" I huffed.

"Is it about girls?" I swallowed.

"Okay girls...did something happen with Diana?" My breathing increased.

"Please tell me."

I didn't respond.

He took a breath and moved toward the doorway, "Okay there is something I've been wanting to talk to you about and I think it may be the problem. I haven't asked you this about because I know that coming from me it sounds creepy considering I'm not your parent or anything. Plus it's just hard for guys to talk about...sexuality."

I didn't like where this was going. I rolled over to my back, "I don’t want to talk about it."

"Esposito, are you...do you feel like..."

Then he said it, "Are you gay?"

I never heard that term being used before. Growing up I heard every other slur. Faggot. Girly boy. Pussy. Cocksucker. But never the actual word gay.

Donovan took another breath, "I know that it may be hard to talk about, but..."

"Shut up. I'm not a faggot." I snapped.

Then I saw a face on Donovan that I had never seen on him before. It seemed like a combo of anger, shock, and disgust.

"Hey, that word is used to describe a bundle of sticks, not a person." He started roaring, "That is a horrible, offensive, and wrongly used slur that has put a terrible label on the gay community.”

I swallowed then smirked, "I had sex tonight. With a girl."

"Oh...um...what?"

"I just screwed Diana Rogers. Would a cocksucker do that?"

"Does that remark make you happy? Are you proud of that?"

"Fuck yea."

I bit back. He turned away. "By the way Esposito, your poem won that contest."

He walked out. I heard him clearly. But I chose to ignore him. I couldn't have won. I couldn't give myself that credit. Too I was too disgusted with myself.