Starcrossed - 11. Chapter 11

Kissing Billy was like no experience that I’ve ever had. It was so much more different than kissing a girl. Yeah, girls lips were a lot softer and smaller, but with Billy…it felt right. So, in that moment I felt many feelings. I felt relief. I felt sexy. I felt alive. I didn’t want this to end. But it did, Billy ended it. He pushed me away. I wanted to die. What was I thinking?

“I can’t do this.” said Billy.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“No, I’m sorry.” he said, putting a hand through his hair. “I let this happen.”

“Maybe…do you think I could use your shower?” I asked, not knowing what else to ask.

“Yeah, it’s down that hallway, the next door on the right.” he said. “Um, you wanna borrow some clothes?”

“Thanks.” I said.

He walked to his dresser and got out a bunch of clothes and handed them to me without looking at me. I left and walked into the bathroom. I set the clothes on the counter and looked at myself in the mirror.

I am so stupid! Why would I risk this great friendship I have with Billy to fulfill my own selfish desires? I slowly undressed and I turned on the shower. As the warm water hit my face, I was also hit with reality. I need to stay away from Billy. But haven’t I already came up with this solution? It didn’t work the first time. Why would it work now? Especially now, when he needs me the most. I can’t leave him. I don’t have it in me.

I got out of the shower, and went dried. I went through the clothes that Billy gave me. He even gave me underwear. I admit it was weird to even think of wearing Billy’s underwear, but it’s better than wearing nasty soiled ones. So, I put them on. Then, I put on the pair of jeans that he gave me. Oddly, they fit perfectly. When I picked up his t-shirt, my first instinct was to put it up to my nose. That’s weird, I know, but I just couldn’t help it. It smelled like Billy. I put it on and then walked out of the bathroom.

I walked into Billy’s bedroom and he was changing and in his underwear. I couldn’t look away. I’ve never seen anyone more beautiful in my life. It’s funny how that happens. You think you’ve seen some beautiful people in your life and they’re all one type of person (girls) and the one time I see the most beautiful person ever…it’s not only a guy, but my best friend.

“Do you mind?” he asked after what seemed like forever of me staring.

“Sorry.” I said and closed the door, walking into the kitchen.

The uncooked pancake batter sat on the counter. I decided to cook the pancakes. When Billy came out from his room, his hair was wet and a little messy and he had on this little t-shirt and sweats on with no socks or shoes.

I hate a plate of pancakes ready for him to prepare. He smiled at me and started to butter them. He pours some syrup on them, not too much, but not too little. I actually could’ve prepare them for him, but that would’ve been a little creepy. I just know how he likes his pancakes.

I sat next to him as soon as my pancakes were prepared and we both ate silently. Until I decided to open my big mouth.

“Look, Billy, I’m sorry for kissing you. I know you’re with Noah and…and you’re happy so…it won’t happen again.”

Billy swallowed his pancakes and cleared his throat. “The kiss wasn’t totally your fault, Ryan. I kissed you back. I as much to blame as you are and…I wanted to kiss you too, otherwise I wouldn’t have.”

Hope stirred in me as I got ready for Billy to say he wants to be with me, for him to say he chose me.

“But, that doesn’t mean that…that I want to ruin what I have with Noah.”

“Oh…”

I was crushed, but I wasn’t going to let him see that.

“I’m sorry, Ryan. I can’t, I can’t turn everyone’s lives upside down because of a crush.”

“This isn’t a crush, Billy. The way I feel about you…I can’t explain it…”

I grabbed Billy. I couldn’t control myself any longer. I grabbed his waist, pulled him off of the counter stool and put our lips together. At first he fought it, but after a few seconds, I felt him ease into the kiss and put his hands around my waist.

I found myself pulling his shirt up, and he wasn’t stopping me, in fact, he took my shirt off, or rather his shirt off of me. I moved my kisses too Billy’s neck as he unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans.

What followed is something I wish to keep to myself. Although, I will tell you it was something that I would never in a million years imagine that I would do. I had sex with a guy. But not with just any guy. The guy of my dreams. If I had any doubt of me being gay, or bi, or whatever before, they were instantly gone. I enjoyed being with Billy way too much to be straight.

As we lay on the floor of the kitchen, after our time together, I felt Billy shaking. I put my arm around him. His skin was freezing cold.

“Are you okay?” I asked him.

“No, no I’m not.”

He got up and left me on the floor. I knew that he was regretting what happened and I felt horrible. Billy was miserable and it was all my fault.

“Ryan, I think you’d better leave.” said Billy from his room.

I put on the clothes he leant me and gathered my own and then left. I drove to my house. I felt like I lost my virginity all over again. It was awkward, but exciting at the same time. I drove around for a while, knowing that I couldn’t go home.

I guess it was inevitable that I ended up at the lake. Billy and I had spent so much time there, going over lines and history. Us spending time there is how I wanted to remember us. That’s how I wanted to remember Billy. I wanted to remember him happy and laughing, not miserable like he was last night and this morning.

After sitting there for a few hours, falling in and out of sleep, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I took it out and Kendra’s name graced the screen. I answered the phone.

“Ryan, it’s Kendra. I know what happened and I know he told you to leave, but Billy really needs you right now.” She took a breath. “He just got a call from his aunt. They found his father. He’s in a hospital in Chicago and…he needs to get there. You’re the only one with a car that can even make it there.”

“But…”

“No buts, Ryan. The person you love needs you, so you need to get your ass over here!”

I got up from the cold ground and walked back to my truck. I drove my truck to the gas station to fill up the tank. I then drove back to Billy’s. I felt hesitation and a reluctance to go inside. Could I face Billy after what happened earlier? I had to. He needed me.

I walked to the front door and knocked timidly. Kendra answered the door and pulled me in. Billy stood in the foyer looking guilty.

“What’s wrong?…Besides the obvious of course.” I asked Billy.

“I’m sorry for freaking out about…you know…I was just caught off guard, that’s all.”

“It’s okay…I…I was shocked myself…it, it was my first time.” I said, “Well, with a guy.”

“I’m sorry if I ruined that for you.”

I wanted to laugh, but I knew it was inappropriate. “You couldn’t have ruined even if you tried.”

Billy half smiled.

“But enough about me.” I said. “We need to get you to your dad.”

“Thanks so much. I don’t know how I’ll repay you.”

“You don’t have to.” I answered.

“Let’s go, Kendra.” said Billy.

“I can’t go…I have to work.”

“But…” started Billy.

“No, I’m sorry. You know how important this job is to me. I need to pay my sister rent and if I don’t have a job, than I can’t do that.”

I was a little disappointed she wasn’t coming. It was going to be really awkward.

“Do you think that maybe you should call Noah?” I asked.

“Right…I’ll do that before we leave. I’ll, ah…be right back.”

He left into his room to make the call.

“How are you?” asked Kendra as soon as he was gone.

“I don’t know. The best thing in the world happened to me a few hours ago, but…somehow I feel like complete shit.”

“Look, you should take this road trip as a chance to clear the air with him and find out where you two stand.”

“I don’t know how I’m gonna do that. Billy can barely look at me.”

“That’s because he’s torn.” said Kendra. “He really does love both you and Noah….but don’t tell him I told you that, better yet…we never had this convo.”

I smiled. “Sure.”

Billy came back out of his room. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s go.”

Billy and Kendra hugged once and Billy and I walked out to my truck and started the first road trip that I’ve ever taken without my parents. The music from the radio broke what would’ve been silence between us.

I got sick of the silence between us. I knew we had to talk, so I turned the radio volume down.

“Okay, I’m sick of this. We need to talk.”

“About what?” asked Billy.

“Don’t be like that Billy. You know what.” I said, frustrated.

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Well, we need to or…or this awkward feeling is never going to go away.”

“So…what exactly do you want to talk about?” asked Billy, looking out of the window.

“I just, I wanna know where we stand.”

“We’re friends who…who had sex once. That’s it.”

“Why? Didn’t…didn’t you want to have sex?”

“I don’t know. I used to really like you, Ryan, but…I’m in love with Noah, I really am and…having sex with you just confused me…because I did want it and I…I don’t know how I feel anymore.”

“Well, I can tell you from experience that…once you talk about how you feel, you usually will figure it out.”

“What do you mean?”

I took a breath, preparing myself for the single most vulnerable time in my life so far.

“For the longest time, I carried around confusion about how I felt for you. I kept telling myself that you were just a friend. But, deep down, I knew that you meant way more to me than that. I’ve never felt like this about anyone, Billy.”

I looked over to Billy and he was looking out of the windshield now instead of the window. His eyes were drooping and glossy.

“Look, I’m not trying to make your life more complicated. It’s exactly the opposite. I just want you to choose, because…if you drag it on, it’ll just hurt more for everyone.”

“Pull over.” said Billy, under his breath.

“What?”

“Pull over!”

I pulled to the side of the road and as soon as I put the truck into park, Billy grabbed me and pulled me towards him. Our lips pressed together firmly and everything around us went away.

When the kiss was over, we both sat straight forward in our seats, looking out of the windshield. Silence surrounded us except for the passing cars.

“So, does that mean you choose me?” I asked.

“Ryan…I choose you, but before you get too excited, I have to find a way to tell Noah first.”

“Wait, you’re not going to break up with him?”

“I can’t just break up with him, Ryan.”

“But…don’t you love me?”

“Yeah I love you, but…I love him too. I wanted to break it too him easily.”

I didn’t understand Billy’s decision. How could he be with both Noah and me at the same time. It’s wrong. If he wants to be with Noah, go ahead, no one’s stopping him. But he shouldn’t tell me that he wants to be with me and then tell me that’s he’s not going to break up with Noah. It’s wrong.

* * *

My truck had a classic bench seat. When Billy got sleepy, I figured he would just put his head up against the window and fall asleep, but instead, he scooted over and leaned onto me. I put my arm around him and he rested his head on the side of my chest. Feeling his slow breaths on me sent shivers through my body. Feeling him close to me made my heart thump in my throat.

After an hour of driving, I started to get a little of hungry. I pulled over into the parking lot of the first fast food place I saw. At the sudden brake of the car, Billy rose from his sleep. He looked around and stretched. He’s so unbearably cute.

“Where are we?” asked Billy, rubbing his eyes.

“Ah, about an hour and a half outside of Chicago.” I answered. “I’m starving, so I stopped to get some lunch. Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m starving.”

We walked into a place called Benny’s Burgers and Shakes. It was a little shack, but we didn’t have much money so…it was better than nothing.

“What do you want?” I asked Billy. “I’m buying.”

“I can’t let you do that.” said Billy.

“Come on, just…just let me do it. I want to.” I insisted.

“Grr, you’re so stubborn!” yelled Billy.

“I know and I’m not gonna change anytime soon so you might as well just let me buy you lunch.”

He smiled and kissed me on the cheek. This earned us some stares. I wasn’t used to it. I didn’t feel the same after this. I felt like everyone was watching me; judging me. And when it was my turn to order, I was frozen.

“Hello! Hey kid!”

I turned back to the register and ordered two cheeseburger meals that came with fries and a drink. After I got my receipt, I went to sit down across with Billy.

“What’s the matter?” asked Billy.

“I don’t know.” I said. “After you kissed me earlier, I…I just feel like everyone is staring at us.”

“Yeah, that always happens with your first public kiss. It goes away eventually after you kiss more in public.”

“You wanna help me get there sooner?” I asked with a smirk.

He smirked back an stretched over the table to kiss me on the lips. I looked around and no one was staring anymore. I felt really proud and really relieved that I didn’t have to keep all of the passion that I have for this boy inside of me. The amount in which I care about him and love him baffles me. I just…I’ve never loved anyone like I love Billy. I love Billy.