Starcrossed - 8. Chapter 8

“Where were you yesterday, Ryan? Your understudy had to say your lines for you in rehearsal.” said Billy.

I looked at him guiltily. I saw the disappointment in his eyes. It was like a dagger in my gut. I couldn’t handle it. I had to tell him the truth, even though I didn’t want to.

“Yeah, I ah…came in the morning, but I left.”

“Why? Was there something wrong?” asked Billy.

His concerned voice made everything worse. Now there was no going back.

“Well, I, I saw you with Noah and I just thought that…you don’t really need me as a friend. So far it’s only gotten you beat up and teased even more than you were before me.”

“Actually, it’s stopped. Because of you no one messes with me anymore.”

“Really?” I asked. Billy bobbed his head, yes. “Well, I don’t know. I just thought that since you had Noah, you didn’t need me as a friend.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that because Noah isn’t my friend anymore.”

“But…but yesterday. I saw you two.”

“He’s my boyfriend now.” said Billy.

“O-Oh, okay…”

I didn’t really know what to say. I guess I was somewhat confused, somewhat surprised. I didn’t really know how to feel.

“You’re okay with that right?” asked Billy. He put his hand on my shoulder.

“Y-Yeah, I mean, of course I’m ok-kay with it. Wh-Why wouldn’t I be ok-kay with it?”

“Because you’re stuttering like a kindergartener.”

“I’m okay. It’s just…I don’t know. I didn’t expect it.”

“I didn’t either. We were just talking and…he just asked me if I would be his boyfriend.” said Billy with a smile. “At first I was really shocked, but it’s been so long since I’ve had a boyfriend that ‘yes’ just came right out of my mouth.”

“Well, you did mean it right? You didn’t say it just because you want a boyfriend.”

“No of course not. Everything just feels right with him. We get each other you know?”

Billy’s face had a glow that I hadn’t seen on him before. He looked completely and utterly happy. I should feel the same way for him, but for some reason I just couldn’t feel happy. I was about to say something, when Noah walked up to Billy and took his hand.

Billy took his attention off of me and turned it onto Noah’s lips. A guy walked by and coughed fags. Normally I would’ve went after that guy and gave him a piece of my mind, but I was so fixated on Noah and Billy that I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything, but breathe.

When they stopped kissed, they put their hands back together and turned to me.

“Hey, Ryan.” said Noah with a smile.

I snapped myself out of my trance and said hello back to him. The situation was so awkward that I just couldn’t handle it.

“I have to go.” I said.

I really wanted to ditch again, but knew that I couldn’t. I would have to go through the rest of the day with the image of Noah and Billy kissing. Then I would have to see him in history and PE.

I wish going through this day was like any other day, but it wasn’t. The entire day, I had this big lump in my throat and my pulse was just a little bit faster than normal. I felt as though I was in a constant state of panic.

This was a totally foreign feeling to me. I had no idea how I was feeling. It was feeling of sadness mixed with anger, betrayal, and even nausea. It was different type of nausea. I didn’t feel like I would actually puke or anything. I just felt sick.

Between math and history, I went to the bathroom to throw some water on my face. It was prep for seeing Billy. Was I ready to face him again? If I wasn’t, I couldn’t let him see me like this. He’ll know something is up and want to know about it. And right now, I don’t even know what’s up. I won’t be able to tell him.

I tried to breathe as naturally as I could, but I just couldn’t. My chest was erratically jumping up and down. My limbs were shaking. My palms were sweating. Two more minutes until I have to face Billy in history. I really could use something to calm my nerves. But what? There was nothing. I had to go into history class, totally vulnerable.

When I walked into class, Billy had his head down. That was a relief. What wasn’t a relief was that he didn’t lift up when he heard me sit down. I gestured to Kevin asking what was wrong, but he wouldn’t say. Then, Kevin pointed to Mr. Carey, who was staring at Billy as if looks could kill. Then I figured that he knew about Billy and Noah.

“What’s wrong, Billy?” I asked, even though I knew. I just couldn’t stand seeing him like that.

“I’ll give you one guess.” he said, with his head still down.

“Look, you’ve gotta face him sometime. You can’t just spend the rest of the semester with your head on your desk.” I said. For some reason, my nerves were gone.

“Ryan’s right, Billy.”

Billy slowly lifted his head and Mr. Carey cleared his throat loudly and looked the other way. Then, the bell rang signaling the beginning of class. This was going to be an interesting class to say the least. I don’t think I’ve ever said that about history.

Mr. Carey began his lesson by handing out a piece of paper with some info about what he was going to talk about in class. He did this before every class. Then, as he lectured, he avoided looking at Billy all together. Billy did the same. Instead Billy looked down. This made him look sad and I didn’t like that.

The end of class finally came. It was like a tension reliever for all three of us who could actually see the tension. We walked out into the hallway. That’s were my day went downhill again. Noah was in the hall waiting for Billy.

“How did it go?” asked Noah.

“I’ve gotta go to English.” I said.

“Okay, bye Ryan.” said Billy.

“See ya.” said Kevin.

Noah was too fixated on Billy to say goodbye. I didn’t want his goodbye anyway. I left and I went to my class. I sat next to my friend, Frank, who was on the baseball team with me. He was maybe another guy that could potentially be the one I can turn too. We never talked much outside of baseball, but I always thought he was a cool guy. He never taunted the outcasts like Tommy did. He just was…himself.

“What’s up Ryan? You look bummed out.” asked Frank.

“I’m cool.” I said. “Just a bit tired.”

I knew he wouldn’t understand. Not many people have a friendship like the one I have with Billy. Even if Frank did, there’s no way I could know that yet. I couldn’t risk him thinking that it was anything more than friendship.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I said.

“Cool”

Crisis averted.

Nothing too out of the ordinary happened in PE. We ran laps as usual. Tommy taunted Billy as usual. Billy and I didn’t talk much. It was mostly running. It was a bit awkward, but no where near as awkward as it could have been.

There was no play rehearsal after school and Billy wasn’t supposed to tutor me that day, so I went home alone. But I still bothered about my strange feelings towards Billy and Noah.

I walked up to my house, unlocked the front door and walked inside. I set my keys in the foyer key bowl and made my way to the living room where I spread out on the couch.

A few minutes later, my mom walked in through the garage. I listened to her walk inside the foyer, hang her keys and then put her purse down. She walked into the living room and then sat next to me.

“Hi, sweetie, how was your day?”

Gosh…there’s so many things that I could say about the day that I had, but really can’t. She wouldn’t understand.

“I guess that means you didn’t have a good day?” she asked. “Tell me about it.”

Great, now for not answering, I’ll have to find away to tell her what happened without actually telling her.

“Mom, have you ever had a really close friend; like a best friend?”

“Sure…what is it, sweetie?”

“Well, a friend of mine, it just doesn’t seem that they need me in their life anymore. They’ve so many other things going for them. It just gets me kinda bummed.”

“Why don’t they have time for you anymore?”

“Well, they got a boyfriend and now…it just doesn’t seem like my friend needs me anymore.”

She didn’t answer and for some reason, I felt compelled to go on.

“Have you ever seen something that just made your stomach cringe, but shouldn’t; normally that is?”

“Um, what do you mean?”

“I mean, like two people kissing.”

“Sounds like jealousy to me. I’ve been there. It’s totally normal.” She paused and patted my shoulder. “Who is this girl anyway. Why are you so. jealous of her boyfriend?”

Jealousy. It couldn’t be jealousy. But, it’s more than what I came up with. I couldn’t stay there. I had to get out of there before she notice all of the things that were going on in my head by the face I had on.

“I’m going to my room.”

I hurriedly got up from the couch and power walked to my room. As soon as I got in, I closed my door and started to pace all over the room. I’ve never paced before, but then again, I’ve never been this much in panic before.

Was I really jealous? But what was I jealous of? Was I jealous of Billy and Noah’s relationship or was I just jealous of Noah? Surely it couldn’t be the latter. I’m not…gay. I’ve never been attracted to guys. I’m not attracted to Billy. I do feel strong feelings about him though. These feelings aren’t feelings that I’ve ever felt about anyone; not even a girl.

Was this the end of my once peaceful existence? Was this the end of me? Now I had to think about my date tomorrow night with Kendra. We were supposed to go to the mall to eat and hang out. We wanted it to be casual. The mall seemed like the perfect place for that.

Would I be able to look at Kendra with a straight face knowing what I do? But what do I know? Am I, in fact, jealous? If I am, what does that mean? Does it mean that I’m gay? Or bi? Is it something that I should talk to Kendra about before things with her get serious? Would she even consider being serious with me with Billy being one of her two best friends? Is this what Billy went through when he realized he was gay? Is this what that even is? I’m so confused.

* * *

I got ready for my date with Kendra despite my little epiphany or rather my mom’s big epiphany the night before. I had to go on the date. But, I wanted to go on the date. Kendra’s really hot. Why wouldn’t I want to go on a date with her?

“Mom, I’m leaving.” I said.

“Why dinner’s almost up?”

“I have a date.” I said.

“Aw, my baby has a date? With who?”

“The girl I told you about last week when Justin was here.” I said. “Her name is Kendra. I met her through Billy.”

“Oh really?”

“She’s been his best friend since like, forever or something like that.” I said.

“Oh, that’s nice. Well, have a good time. Do you need any money?”

“No, it’s just a casual date. We’re just going to the mall to eat.”

“Well, what kind of a date is that?”

“A casual one. We agreed because we knew Billy wouldn’t really like us going out. So we’re trying to keep our dating casual.”

“Oh, okay…”

I could tell that she really didn’t understand. It was okay though. I don’t really understand much of anything lately either. I just left for the mall before I was late because I was explaining everything to my mother.

I met Kendra in front of the mall. She looked really cute. She was wearing a button up, blue sweater with jeans that really showed off her curves. Her hair looked extra red in the sun and her smiled shined even more.

I smiled and I hugged her when I walked up to her. She said hi as I hugged her in her small girly voice. I said hi back.

“How’ve you been?” I asked.

“Good, good. How about you? How’ve you been?”

“I’m okay. Let’s go inside.”

We walked inside and the sounds around us changed from cars to people talking; a lot of people. We walked to the food court and started to look around.

“So what d’ya feel like eating?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Are you in the mood for pizza?”

“Sure, lets go.” I said.

We walked to the pizza stand in the food court. It was called Borelli’s Pizza. I ordered us a couple of slices of pepperoni and some cokes. We sat down and started to eat.

“So, how long have you lived here?” I asked.

“Well, me and my family moved here from Chicago when I was ten. My first day of school, my desk was next to Billy’s. Ace was in the same class too. They were already friends.”

“Wow, so you’ve been friends ever since?”

“Yeah…we’ve had our rough patches as friends, but what friendship doesn’t have rough patches?”

“Yeah, don’t I know about that.” I said, referring to Billy.

“So, how long have you lived here?”

“I moved here just a few years after you.” I answered. “I moved here in the eighth grade. We moved from Springfield.”

“Cool…”

She started to ask me something, but it got swept away. In the distance, I saw Noah and Billy. They were walking towards the food court, holding hands. Noah, being a little shorter than Billy, had his head on Billy’s shoulder.

Seeing this built up a familiar feeling inside of me. First I a little angry. Then, I my stomach started to do summersaults. Maybe it was that jealousy my mom was talking about.

“Ryan?…Ryan?…”

I snapped out of it and turned my attention back to Kendra.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah…” I nodded my head towards the couple.

Kendra looked behind her and then looked back.

“They’re cute together aren’t they?” asked Kendra.

I guess she must’ve seen my face because her attitude changed.

“You know, Ryan…other people might not see it, but I do.”

I turned my attention back onto her again.

“What are you talking about?”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. She put her hand on mine and looked deep into my eyes.

“Ryan, you’re jealous of Noah. It’s as plain as day.”

I took my hand from underneath hers. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Look, it’s not a crime to like another guy and it’s perfectly normal.”

“I’m not jealous of Noah. I just don’t think he’s right for Billy.”

“That’s not what you said a few days ago. A few days ago, you were all for them being friends, but now their not just friends. They’re boyfriends.”

I sighed. Another epiphany. This was really jealous. What do I do now? Maybe I should ask Kendra about it. She seems to understand what I’m going through more than I do.

“Kendra…” I felt my eyes water. “I need your help.”

She sighed and took my hand. “Let’s go. We need to be alone.”

She dragged me out of the food court, out of the mall, and into the parking lot.

“Follow me.” she said. “We’re going to my place.”

“Aren’t your parents there?” I asked.

“No worries. I live with my sister, Irina.”

“Oh, okay.”

I got into my car and started it. I waited for her to show up in my aisle, then I followed her back into town and to her house. She brought me into her home. She dragged me passed her sister and into her room.

“Hey Irina this is Ryan we’ll be in my room bye.” she said faster than I could comprehend. Then we were in her room before I knew it.

I sat down on her bed that was covered with a turquoise bed spread and brown pillows with turquoise polka dots. Her walls were painted brown and were covered with pictures of her, Billy, and Ace. Her room was like a giant collage.

“So tell me what’s going on in your head.” said Kendra.

I laughed nervously. “I don’t think we have enough time left in the day.”

“Just…start at the beginning.”

“Well, I guess it started when I realized that Billy was the only real friend that I have. I really wanted to hold onto that. I was desperate to hold onto it.”

I took a breath. It was nice to get that out of my head.

“Keep going.” she said.

“Well, I just started to feel…different about him. I felt close to him. I felt like I wanted to be close to him. I needed to be close to him. I don’t know. I just, I just didn’t want to fess up to it in my mind.”

“Why don’t you tell him? He likes you too.”

“Not anymore. He’s with Noah now. I should just forget about him and move on.”