Starcrossed - 20. Chapter 20

I insisted on leaving New York right away. I wanted to be the one to tell Billy’s dad and Ace and Kendra. They shouldn’t hear it from some stranger. They should hear it from me. But, when I found myself on Billy’s doorstep, I couldn’t bring myself to knock or even just ring the doorbell. The moon was the only light and the only sound was the light song of the crickets.

I finally worked up the courage to ring the bell and had to wait a few minutes before he opened the door. He was surprised of course. I stood silently, trying to figure out how to even begin to tell him that his son has died.

“Ryan, what are you doing here? I thought you two left for New York this morning.”

“We did,” I said, sniffling. “Mr. Snow-”

“Please call me Keith.” said Mr. Snow.

“Keith. I can’t believe I’m about to tell you this, but…there was an accident…in New York City.” I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. “Billy…he’s dead.”

Keith Snow stared at me like he’d just seen a ghost. Then, his eyes turned down, ready to cry.

“No, you…this can’t be true.” He shook his head and wiped his tears.

“I was with him,” I said.

“Come in.”

I followed him in and we sat in the living room.

“What happened?” he asked.

I expected him to be more hysterical, but I guess he must be in shock.

“He was playing around in the lobby of the hotel and, and he ran outside. First he was on the sidewalk, and suddenly he was in the street. And before I could do anything…a car hit him.”

He asked me to leave him alone. I didn’t want to, but he was pretty insistent. So, I left. I drove to Kendra’s house. When I got there, Ace’s car was in the driveway. At least I would only have to say this one more time.

I sat in my truck for a while. I thought about going home to rest for a while first. But knew that my mom would insist that I stay and I would never get to tell Ace and Kendra and they would most likely hear from someone else and I couldn’t have that.

* * *

“No, no this can’t be right. No, you’re lying.”

Kendra paced the room, tearing through her hair and tears falling from her face.

“I can’t believe this. It’s…so unexpected.” said Ace, he sat right next to me on Kendra’s bed.

“Why would I lie about this, Kendra? I love Billy.”

“She’s just trying to process this.” said Ace. “Billy was like a brother to us.”

I started crying again, I couldn’t help it.

“I…I can still feel the weight of his head in my palm and, and the warmth of his blood trickling down my arm.” I felt Ace’s arm flat on my back. “I just want him back. I want him home and in my arms. I want to feel the warmth of his body against mine. I just want him back.” I wiped my tears and I got up from Kendra’s bed. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”

I left Kendra’s house and I started to drive around. I wanted to go home, but didn’t want to have to tell one more person about Billy. I drove in circles.

* * *

I walked inside of my house and my mom was surprised to see me to say the least. My dad was home too, which was a surprise. He must’ve gotten the night off.

“Honey, what are you doing home. You’re supposed to be in New York.”

I looked up at her and ran over to me to hold me. It was a good thing, because I didn’t know if I could hold myself up any longer.

“Honey, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“Mom…Billy died.”

I could actually hear my mom go speechless. I could hear her softly gasp and then grip me tighter. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I just had to be alone. I ran to my room and locked my door.

I stood in the middle of my room for a while and then I just lost it. I started to scream and throw things. Glass broke on the wall, shelves broke on my hardwood floor and my room was suddenly a train wreck.

I finally fell to the ground. First I fell to my knees, then my head fell to the ground with my hands over my eyes. Knowing that I was never going to see Billy again is a feeling I can only describe as like my heart and my lungs were being simultaneously pulled through my throat. It was physical pain.

I got up from the floor and got onto my bed. I folded myself into the fetal position and gripping my throw pillow as tight as I could. All night I cried and my tears fell onto that pillow. I woke up to Justin sitting next to my bed. It was the first day of his Christmas break.

“Mom told me what happened. I’m-I’m so sorry.” he said, looking at me sadly. “How are you?”

“How am I? How am I? How can you ask me that? The person I loved the most in this world is dead and you ask how I’m doing?”

“I’m sorry.” said Justin. “It was a stupid question.”

I looked down at my pillow and then back up at Justin.

“Does dad know?” I asked.

“He just knows that a friend of yours died. He doesn’t know anything else.”

“Good, because I can’t handle that right now.”

“Ry, you’re going to have to tell him sooner or later.”

“Not right now, Justin! Can’t I mourn the death of my boyfriend for Christ’s sake?! Just go away!”

Justin got up and slowly left my room, stepping over the shattered pieces of whatnots around the room. Then, my mom came into my room.

“Honey, you have a visitor. He says his name is Ace.”

I got up and told my mom to let him in. Ace walked in and my stresses relieved. It was good to see somebody that understood what I was going through. Ace sat next to me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” I said back.

“So…Mr. Snow has been making the funeral arrangements along with Billy’s aunt Tara. They’re planning to have it this Saturday. Mr. Snow asked me to let you know when I went to see him.”

“Thanks for telling me.”

Ace tightly hugged me. I’ve never hugged Ace before. He had a comforting hug.

“I’ll see you Saturday.” I said.

“Okay, see you Saturday.”

Ace got up and left. I walked him out. Then, I started to walk into the living room. I sat next to my mother and I put my head into her chest. She held me tight like I was still a little boy.

“I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, Ryan. I know you cared a lot about Billy.”

“I loved him, mom.”

He held me up to look at me. I knew exactly what she was thinking.

“I know it sounds silly since we were only together for a few months, but mom, it’s true. I loved him. The way I felt when I was with him was like no other feeling in the world. We just, we just fit together.”

She put my head back into her body. “That sounds like love alright.”

“Mom, I miss him so much.”

“I know, Honey. I know.” she said, patting my back like I was a baby being burped.

* * *

I looked in the mirror, fixing my tie. I wore an all black suit, but my tie was red. Red was Billy’s favorite color. My mom came into my room. I looked over at her and then looked back to my mirror to quickly finish adjusting my tie.

“You look very handsome.” she told me.

I took a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can do this, mom. I don’t wanna say goodbye to Billy.”

“I know it’s difficult, but it’s an important part of the grieving process. You need to do this for yourself.”

“How can I think about myself when all I can think about is Billy; his eyes, his smile.”

“Come on, Ryan. There are people there that expect you to be there.”

I took a deep breath. “You’re right. Let’s go.”

So, we left. My mom, Justin, and even my dad came with me to the funeral. This really isn’t the time that I wanted to come out to my dad, but, it was sort of inevitable. Mr. Snow asked me to give the eulogy. He said he couldn’t handle it and I was the next obvious person. I just didn’t have the strength to say no. So, taking in what I planned to say, my dad was going to find out about me this morning at Billy’s funeral.

The car ride was silent. Even the radio was off which was a first for my family. We always had the radio on. It was a good thing, though. I didn’t want to hear a song that Billy liked or one that reminded me of Billy and just loose it.

When we arrived, the funeral hall was full. The priest got up and said a few words, then opened the floor to me. I slowly got up and took the podium.

“Hello, for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ryan Harding.”

I looked into the crowd and saw friends from school, teachers, people I didn’t know that I assumed was Billy’s family or old friends that I didn’t know. Billy’s dad, Aunt Tara and her family, Ace and Kendra, Mrs. Drake and my family sat in the front row.

“Billy was like no other person I’d ever known before. He was confident and happy with who he was and that light-years away from I could ever be.” I looked down to my tie. “I wore a red tie today because red was his favorite color. I guess that says a lot about him. He was fiery and aggressive, but, but not a bad way of course. And he knew how to be fair even when his own emotions were on the line. Most of all, he knew how to love. I know this because he loved me and, and I loved him so much.”

I looked over to my dad and to say that he looked shocked would be an understatement.

“There are people in here that would be obviously surprised by that, but most of your knew that Billy and I were together and that we loved each other. And I can honestly tell you that I’ve never felt a love like Billy’s before. He loved with his whole heart and nothing else. He was beautiful and he will always be beautiful.”

After the eulogy was the burial. After the first few minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore. I ran out to the curb of the graveyard and sat. I heard soft steps on the grass behind me. The next thing I knew, my dad was sitting next to me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

“I thought, I thought you would be angry.” I answered.

“You could’ve told me. You’re my son. I’ll always love you not matter what.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Keith Snow was my best friend since before I could remember. Then, in high school, I did some, some really horrible things in order gain popularity in my school. I saw how badly what I did to Keith affected him and I vowed never to do that to anyone else, especially not my kids. My kids are allowed to be whoever they want to be. As long as it’s not a bum.”

I never thought I would hear my dad say something like that to me after I came out to him, but he did. He was amazing. He handled it even better than my mom.

“I know it’s hard burying someone that you love. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through right now. But you need get back there. You need to say your goodbyes.”

My dad helped me up and I walked back to the gathering around Billy’s grave. The casket was lowered down. I took a handful of dirt and lightly tossed it onto Billy’s casket. I turned around, Kendra was behind me. Kendra and I hugged tightly and she was the next to toss dirt onto the casket. Billy was gone and he is never coming back.

***Five Years Later***

I knelt down at Billy’s grave. I set down a bouquet of gardenias in front of the stone. Tears came to my eyes. This wasn’t unusual for when I came to visit his grave.

I was home on my Christmas break. I am a graduate student at Northwestern University. It was really hard to move on without Billy, but I managed.

My junior year of college, when I was twenty, I met a wonderful guy. A senior named Evan. I was really upfront with him from the beginning. I told him that it would be hard for me to fall in love with him because I’ll always love Billy. He didn’t really seem to care.

So, I sat at Billy’s grave, remembering my wonderful months with Billy; months that could’ve been years had I been honest with myself a lot earlier in my life. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and saw Even.

He was just a bit taller than me with dark blond hair and olive green eyes. It was important to me that he not remind me of Billy at all. Otherwise I think I would go nuts.

“He must’ve been really great if you still love him to this day.” said Evan.

I got up and I put my arms around Evan’s waist. He held me tight.

“No offense…but he was the greatest.”

“No offense taken.” he said. “I know how first loves are.”

I looked down at Billy’s stone one more time, holding Evan tighter, then I looked up at him.

“Come on. My mom’s waiting for us.” I said.

Evan and I left the graveyard, heading for my mom’s house. I planned on visiting Keith as well, but I didn’t tell Evan that. He had a lot to deal with as it is.

I will never forget my time with Billy. It was the best months of my entire life and I don’t expect that to ever change. Billy was the love of my life and he always will be. Billy forever.

THE END