Starcrossed - 6. Chapter 6

I walked into my room and started to change into some more comfortable clothes. I wanted to start my homework, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about how disappointed my dad sounded when I told him that Ryan wasn’t gay. I think he really wanted us to be together. I felt bad that I couldn’t give that to him.

I did as much homework as I could. I figured I’d just do the rest in the library before school the next day. There wasn’t really that much left and I was super exhausted. I hit the hay, but when I dreamed, I dreamed of Ryan. This is really getting out of hand. I knew I had to do something about it.

So, the next morning, when Ryan wanted to hang out before school started, I had to turn him down. I told him that we should only spend time if absolutely necessary. His reaction made me want to cry. It was a reaction that I didn’t expect.

“What? What are you talking about? I…I thought we were get along okay. Don’t you wanna be friends with me?” His eyes started to gloss over and his brow turned inside in confusion.

“I do…I just can’t.” I said.

“Why not?”

“I can’t go into that right now. I just can’t okay.”

Ryan just stood there, looking at me. It was silent between us for a while. Silence surrounded by the roar of two thousand teenage boys.

“You don’t understand, Billy. You’re…you’re kinda the best friend I’ve ever had. Or…at least the truest best friend I’ve ever had.”

I felt my lip quivering. I could not let him see me cry. I knew that this was for my own good, but was it for Ryan’s good as well. How did HE benefit from my decision? I don’t think he does. If I care about him at all, I’d take back what I just said. But, for my own sanity, I couldn’t. I couldn’t risk falling more and more in love with him every day.

“I’m-I’m sorry, Ryan. I just can’t do this.”

“Why? What did I do wrong?”

Great, now he thinks it’s his fault. Is it just me or does this sound a bit like a break up?

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I did you wrong?”

“How?”

Should I tell him? It might be the only way to actually get out of here.

“I’ve-,” I took a big gulp. “I’ve fallen in love with you, Ryan.”

Ryan stared at me with those blue eyes, glossed over. His eyes turned big and guilty.

“It’s all my fault. I…I’ve been way too forward haven’t I?”

“No, this friendship was doomed from the beginning, before we even though about becoming friends.”

I looked around. People were starting to stare as they walked by. What else should we expect. We’re both on the verge of tears.

“I’ll still tutor you and practice lines with you, but we have to do it here. We can’t go anywhere where we would be alone.” I paused. “I’ve gotta go.”

I left Ryan there to go to the library. I could sense that he didn’t move after that. He just stood there, staring into space.

In the library, I could hardly concentrate on my homework. I eventually got it done, within seconds of the bell. This is probably the worst day of my life.

* * *

“I’m proud of you Billy. That was probably the smartest thing that you could do.” said Kevin, we were at lunch.

“Then why do I feel like shit?”

“Because you fell in love with him. It’s perfectly normal to feel like that.”

“I don’t know, Kev. I just feel empty without him now.”

Kevin rolled his eyes at me. “It’ll pass.”

I think Kevin saw how down I was because he started to try and cheer me up.

“Look, why don’t we go to the mall tonight after rehearsal? We can go spend some money or pig out or something.”

“Thanks, but I don’t really feel like it.”

I left, leaving Kevin by himself. I walked to the courtyard. A few scattered guy were out there, studying.

I sat at a bench and took in one huge waft of the crisp mid-autumn air. I closed my eyes and felt someone sit next to me.

“Kevin, I kind of want to be alone.”

I opened my eyes and saw Ryan sitting next to me.”

“Ryan, please don’t. I told you, I-”

“I don’t care what you told me. I’m totally okay with it.”

“Well, I’m not. I can’t be around you. It takes all of me not to…not to hold you, to kiss you…”

“Look, I’m not saying it doesn’t weird me out a little bit, because it does, but…I’m not ready to loose the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“We’ve only been friends for a week, Ryan. How am I the best friend that you’ve ever had?”

“I don’t know…” He paused to think. “You’re the only one in my life who doesn’t judge me. All my dad cares about is me staying on the baseball team and my mom, all she cares about is my brother and how I can be more like him.”

“What about Tommy?” I asked.

“Tommy…Tommy just liked the girls that flocked to us when I’m with him. Maybe it was a real friendship in the beginning, but it hasn’t been in a really long time.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know that Ryan’s life was full of people like that. I felt really awful for him.

“Billy, I guess you don’t have to be my friend if you don’t want to. It’s your decision and I can’t force you, but I would really like it if you were. You’re my best friend.” He took a deep breath. “I guess I’ll leave you alone to think about it.”

Ryan got up from the bench and left. I hated to see him like that. It made me want to cry. What is up with me and crying nowadays? Ever since I’ve starting being friends I’ve been like Mr. Waterworks.

My first instinct was to go after him, but I knew that I shouldn’t. I went back and forth about it in my head about a thousand times in ten seconds. I finally said ‘fuck it’ and went after him. I started off with a jog.

“Ryan wait!”

I caught up to him and started to walk by his side.

“I’m sorry.” I said. “I just…I don’t want to get hurt. But I don’t want you to get hurt either.”

“I don’t want to pressure you, Billy. It’s your life.”

“You could never pressure me.” I told him with the most sincerity I’ve ever had.

He smiled and my legs started to wobble.

“I’ve gotta go.” I said.

I rushed off and when I looked back, Ryan was throwing his arms up in defeat. And when I looked back to where I was going, I ran straight into Noah Carey. My history teacher’s son.

“Ow!” I said.

Our head’s bumped together.

“Sorry,” he said.

“No, I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking.” I said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…I’m good. I’m, ah…Noah, by the way; Noah Carey. You’re Billy right.”

“Yeah, I’m Billy.” I said.

Noah was super cute. I’d never seen him up close like this before. He had jet black hair just long enough to form a faux hawk on the top of his head. He had emerald green eyes that just pierced right through me and not to mention the softest looking lips that I had ever seen. He smiled at me and I smiled back, a bit shyly. I could tell that I was blushing.

Was I feeling what I think I was feeling? Whatever it was, it was strong. I could feel my heart pumping and my palms sweating.

“Um…you’re…you’re gay right?” asked Noah.

“Y-Yeah…” I said shyly.

“M-me too.” he said nervously. “I-I just came out to my parents last month.”

I smiled, but was shocked on the inside. “How did it go?”

We started to walk together.

“It went okay. My dad didn’t really like the idea of it, but I think he’s getting used to it now. My mom had a tough time too, but nothing really major happened. I think I’m really lucky to have parents like them.”

“Yeah…you are. When my friend Kevin came out, his parents didn’t talk to him for a month.”

“What about you?” asked Noah.

“Well…my dad’s reaction was kind of like your dad’s. He had a hard time, but he eventually got used to it.” I said. “Actually, now he’s a little too used to it for my comfort.”

Noah smiled and put his head down shyly. How did I never notice how cute this boy is? He’s beautiful.

I spent the rest of lunch walking around the campus and talking to Noah. He’s a really cool guy. I could see myself liking him a lot. At least this crush was a lot healthier than my crush on Ryan, in which I don’t think is entirely out of the picture yet. Especially not after what happened at PE that same day.

“So…what’s up with you and Noah Carey?” asked Ryan as we stretched before running.

“What?” I asked.

“I saw you walk out of the courtyard with him.” said Ryan.

We finished stretching and we both started to jog.

“So what if I left the courtyard with him?” I asked.

“Well, rumor has it that…well, that’s he like you.”

“Well, even if I could confirm that I wouldn’t tell you. Noah’s sexuality is his own business.”

“So, are you guys friends now?”

“I don’t know. I guess. He’s pretty cool.” I said, being as vague as I possibly could. The truth was, Noah had asked me out and I said yes.

“Really?”

“Yeah, why?”

“No reason…”

We just kept running side by side in silence. Then, Ryan broke the ice.

“So, I was going to ask you something.”

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I was going to ask you about Kendra. Does, does she have a boyfriend.”

Was he seriously asking me that? How could he ask me that? Ugh!

“Um…no she doesn’t have a boyfriend. She hasn’t had one for a while. Her first boyfriend really hurt her.” I told him, honestly.

“Do-Do you think, if I asked her out…would she go out with me?”

“I-I don’t know. All you could do is ask her.”

Of course, I didn’t want him to ask her. What if she said yes? Would I be able to handle my crush and my best friend going out?

“So, you would be okay if I asked her out?”

“Why are you asking me? You and Kendra can do whatever you want. It’s a free country.”

“Cause if you’re not okay with it, then I won’t ask her.”

“Do what you want, Ryan.”

The coach blew his whistle and we all went back into the locker rooms, only this time, I didn’t walk with Ryan. I could feel him trying to catch up with me, but I just sped up. It’s a good thing his locker was far from mine, on the other side of the locker room. Unfortunately, Tommy’s wasn’t.

“Hey faggot.”

I sighed.

“You need to stay away from Ryan. He’s not interested.”

“Just leave me alone.” I said, taking off my sneakers on the locker room bench.

Tommy loomed over me.

“Not until you leave Ryan alone. He’s not really your friend. He just feels sorry you.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said, getting up and facing him.

“Just stay away from him little Billy, or there’ll be consequences.”

As I tried to walk passed Tommy, he tripped me. I didn’t expect it, so I fell and it my forehead on the bench. He and some of his other no-nothing followers laughed as I rubbed my head in pain.

They left the locker room and I was left to pick myself up. I felt blood almost run into my eye. It wasn’t much. It just trickled. I cleaned it off. It stung a bit, but I’m used to that sting now.

I walked out of the locker room and to the theater. It was time for the first official rehearsal of the play. It would only be a line reading, but it was still rehearsal.

I walked into the theater hoping that no one would notice the big welt on my forehead, but knew it was just wishful thinking. Kevin came rushing to me and so did Ryan.

“What happened?” asked Kevin.

“Nothing.” I said. “It was just an accident.”

“You don’t have accidents.” said Kevin.

“Tell us the truth.” said Ryan.

I sighed. “I ran into Tommy in the locker room earlier.”

I could see Ryan’s face go completely red. His veins popped out of his head and it looked as if steam was going to shoot out of his ears.

“Ryan are you okay?” I asked .

“Yeah, you look like you’re about to explode.” said Kevin.

I could see Ryan’s chest rising and falling quickly.

“No, no, I’m fine. I’m fine.”

I could tell he wasn’t.

“Look, Ryan. It’s not a big deal.” I tried to convince him, but I don’t think it was working.

“Not a big deal?! Billy, look at your head! That asshole is going to see what happens when he messes with you.”

“Ryan, don’t do anything you’ll regret.” I said.

“Trust me. I won’t regret it.”

Mrs. Drake called everyone to start and I could tell Ryan cooled off a bit to start rehearsals. So, we all gathered around in a circle on the stage and started the line reading. It went pretty well. Going over lines with Ryan the night before helped him, because he was way better during the reading. We got through the entire play, and then Mrs. Drake let us go.

I walked out to the bike rack and unlocked my bike. I got on and started to ride towards home. The wind against my head kind of stung a bit. But I just couldn’t wait to get home after the weird day that I’ve had.