Finding Alex - 11. Chapter 11

They stayed in the Jacuzzi until they were turning into prunes. By then, it was almost one o clock and past time for lunch.

“Go dry off and change. I’ll get Emma to set out lunch in the terrace room. It will be more comfortable than the dining room.”

“I’d like that.”

“Meet you there in ten then.”

It was more than ten minutes before Sacha entered the terrace room, freshly showered, with his hair neatly braided, to find it cheerfully lit and warm, with an enormous selection of food set out on the table. Lacey and Frank were already there, talking in low voices. They looked up when he entered.

“How are you doing?” Frank asked, with a fatherly smile. “Lacey was telling me all about your exploration.”

Sacha’s eyes widened. Had she told him about the clothes? Lacey shook her head very slightly and he relaxed. “Do you need anything?” Frank asked as he sat down.

“No thank you. I already have so much.”

“It’s nothing. I’m just glad to have you home.”

“To be honest, it doesn’t really feel much like a home yet.” Sacha felt so brave and bold, but still shook inside at the danger of speaking his mind.

“It’s a little much to take in, isn’t it? It took me a while to start thinking of it as a home, too. You’ll get used to it. Lacey tells me you like the pool, at least.”

“I love the pool, especially the bubbles. Lacey’s going to teach me to swim. She’s going to teach me to ride horses, too, but it’s too wet today.”

“It is that. If you take to riding, you can have your own horse. All the kids have one. They cost me a fortune.”

“We don’t all have our own horses. James has mine and I have to ride Dylan or Shadow.”

“Only because you never liked Fay and James adores her,” Frank said mildly. Lacey humphed.

“What would you like to do this afternoon?” Frank asked.

“I don’t know,” Sacha said, his mouth full of pie. “Maybe I’d like to go to the music room again. I like music.”

“Okay, if that’s what you want. Feel free to try out any of the instruments. If you like any of them we can arrange lessons. All the kids play piano and James plays drums.”

“He’s good, too. He plays in a band when he’s home. I’ve been to see them a couple of times.”

“Really? I didn’t know that.” Frank said, sounding surprised.

Lacey rolled her eyes. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about James. Maybe you should get to know him.”

“Alright, alright.” Frank held up his hand. “I get the message. I’ll talk to James.”

“Be nice.”

Frank shook his head. “Why do our conversations always end up with you having a go at me about James?”

“Because you really need to do something about him before things get completely out of hand.”

“What do you mean?”

“James is angry, Dad. He’s angry at all of us and mostly he’s angry with you and Sacha. You for sending him away and Sacha for being the reason you did.”

“That’s—”

“It’s not nonsense, Dad. Talk to him. No, listen to him, and you’ll see soon enough.”

“Alright. I said I’d talk to him, and I will.”

They glared at each other for a moment, making Sacha feel very uncomfortable. He felt even more uncomfortable when Frank turned on him. “So, Sacha, I understand you haven’t been able to go to school, but have had some tuition at home. I appreciate you don’t want to go to school at the moment but how would you feel about getting some tutors in. maybe work toward examinations in the core subjects?”

Sacha’s heart almost burst through his chest. All he’d really heard was ‘examination’ and ‘core’. He was getting used to examinations but he’d never had his core examined and it didn’t sound very nice at all.

“I…. No, I….” He swallowed hard. “I promised to see the psychiatrist; isn’t that enough? Please, I don’t want to be examined anymore.”

Frank looked taken aback, surprised by his response. Had he done something wrong – again? Maybe he was right in the beginning and they’d just brought him here to do more things to him. No, that was silly – wasn’t it?

“It’s okay, Sacha, I was just making a suggestion. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I just thought—”

“Dad,” Lacey said, watching Sacha carefully. “I think Sacha misunderstood you.”

“What do you mean? What was there to misunderstand?”

“I don’t think Sacha knows what exams are. I think he thought you meant a physical examination.”

Sacha nodded, confused.

“That’s ridiculous. Of course I—”

“It’s not ridiculous,. Dad. Sacha’s not like us. He’s been shut away from the real world for so long there must be a lot of quite basic things he doesn’t understand. Don’t forget he’d forgotten pretty much everything that happened before he was nine and only knows what he was allowed to know since. I’m not surprised he doesn’t know what exams are. It’s not something that would have been explained or talked about. It’s not as if anything in that house was ever going to sit any.”

“Is that true?” Frank asked. His voice sounded sharp and Sacha shrank back.

“I’m sorry,” he said automatically.

“No, Sacha,” Frank said, his voice considerably softer. “You don’t have to apologise. You never have to apologise for things that aren’t your fault. Do you understand?”

“I…think so.”

“If there is every anything you don’t understand or that scares or worried you, never be afraid to ask. I’ll always do my best to answer, okay?”

“Okay,” Sacha whispered, still worried and confused. What was he expected to do? What was he expected to say? When would Frank snap and hurt him?”

“What are you so worried about right now?” Lacey asked. Sacha looked at her. It was easier than looking a Frank.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

Frank and Lacey exchanged looks. “I told you that.” Lacey said. “It’s because we’re family and we love you.”

“I’m your father, Sacha,” Frank said, “and I’m going to take care of you. That’s my job, my purpose.”

“That’s what He said – that he was my father and he’d take care of me, if I was obedient and grateful. He said fathers had to be cruel sometimes to teach us. It’s for our own good. I…I’m trying to be obedient and grateful, but you won’t let me.” Everything – the fear, the pain, the confusion, caught up with Sacha and he wailed. “I don’t know the rules. I don’t know when you’re going to hurt me for breaking them.” He burst into tears and covered his face, rocking, trying to handle the waves of distress that buffered him.

Suddenly, he became aware of arms around and Lacey’s voice speaking calmly in his ear.

“It’s alright, honey. Let it out. Let it all out. I’m here. It’s okay, I’m here.”

Sacha didn’t listen to the words; he just listened to her voice, going on and on like a warm blanket, wrapping him in softness, safety. The talking calmed him until the sobbing turned to hiccupping and, exhausted, he relaxed into Lacey’s arms, feeling empty but calm.

“Are you okay now?” Lacey asked and he nodded, not yet able to speak.

“I’m so sorry,” Frank’s voice said from somewhere close. Sacha raised his head and located him, fearfully. What kind of repercussions would there be for his outburst? When Frank reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, he flinched and Frank snatched his hand away again. “There are rules in this house; rules that all the children have to obey. They’re not harsh rules and they’re mostly about being respectful to each other…and not staying out all night.” He gave Lacey a pointed look and shrugged. “I don’t like swearing and I won’t have rudeness or disrespect to myself or each other. I don't want you wandering around downstairs at night and I don’t want you to leave the house without telling someone or taking someone with you. Do you understand those rules?”

Sacha nodded his head, waiting for the rest.

“That’s all. Follow those rules and you won’t go wrong. If you break the rules there will be consequences, depending on the seriousness of the breach, but I will never, ever hurt you. Do you understand that?”

That was harder. He could understand consequences but he was still suspicious about what they might be, and he had real difficulty believing he wouldn’t get hurt if he was bad. “I…. Maybe.”

“What part don’t you understand?”

“I….” He glanced at Lacey who smiled and nodded.

“It’s okay to tell the truth, to say what you feel; what you don’t understand. We won’t be angry with you.”

“Why? Why won’t you be angry with me? Why won’t you hurt me? That’s what you’re supposed to do.”

“No, Sacha, that isn’t what we’re supposed to do. No one has the right to hurt another person, no matter what. It’s wrong. I understand that’s difficult for you to understand right now. That’s one of the things the psychiatrist will help you with. For now, even though you don’t understand, please try to believe. You won’t be hurt here. You will never be hurt in this house.”

“O…okay. What…what if I’m bad?”

“You’re never going to be bad, Sacha, but if you break rules there will be consequences. I will take away something that’s important to you for a little while, maybe send you to your room for a few hours, or make you work it off.”

“That’s all?”

“If you do something very serious there might be harsher punishments, for example if you break the law I won’t hesitate to have you arrested, but I will always discuss the punishment with you before it’s applied and you will always have opportunity to provide an explanation and ask for a different punishment, if you think it’s particularly harsh for you. That’s the way it is here. That’s the kind of father I am. I truly want to protect you and take care of you, and I will never hurt you.”

“I think Sacha’s had enough for now, Dad. It’s just all too much for you, isn’t it, honey?”

Sacha nodded. Lacey understood. Lacey always understood.

“Would you like to relax in the pool again?”

“Can I go to the music room?”

“Of course. Are you finished here?”

Sacha nodded and Lacey laughed. “I seriously doubt you’ve had enough to eat. We can raid the kitchen later. Come on then. Let’s go.”

Sacha looked at Frank, who gave him a sad smile. “Go on. Go with your sister. You don’t have to ask permission, but you have it anyway. I won’t see you for dinner; I’m working, but Lacey has programmed my number into your phone. Don’t hesitate to call me if you need me.”

“Oh shoot,” Lacey said. “I forgot to give you your phone.”

“Did the police give my phone back?” Sacha perked up. He’d thought the police were going to keep the phone and it made him feel good that he was finally going to get back something that was his. It was just about the only thing in the whole world he owned, at least that he hadn’t been given by Frank and Lacey.

“No, honey. They have to keep your phone, which is why Dad asked me to get you a new one. You’ll like this one. It’s top of the range and you can do all sorts of things with it.”

“What do I want to do with a phone, except phone with it?”

“You can play games, or go on the internet or….”

“I don’t know how to do any of those things and I really don’t want to. I don’t want a new phone. I want my old one. It’s mine. It’s the only thing that is mine.”

“Sacha, you have lots of things now. Anything you want.”

“I want my phone.”

“Lacey, it’s alright,” Frank said, waving Lacey away when she would have spoken again. “I understand Sacha. None of these things feel like yours, do they. All you want is your phone because it’s the only thing you’ve ever had that was really and truly yours.”

“Yes, yes that’s it.”

“I’ll see what I can do to get it back as soon as I can.”

“Thank you.” Sacha beamed, and the smile that shone on Frank’s face made him feel warm inside.

“Okay, come on then. Let’s take a look at the music room and see if we can make a musician out of you.” Lacey put a hand on Sacha’s shoulder and he looked up at her and smiled. Then he glanced at Frank, just to make sure. Frank nodded slightly and Sacha went with Lacey, feeling excited.

The music room smelled of polish, sunlight and music. Sacha had no idea what music smelled like but he was sure it made up part of the peculiar scent of music rooms all over the place.

An enormous grand piano dominated the room and Sacha ran his hands across its polished surface. There had been a piano at home, but it had been a small one, flat against the wall. One of the older boys played it sometimes, but he wasn’t very good and it was always out of tune.

Sacha’s world jerked from under his feet as the realization hit him. That boy would never play a piano again. He was gone. The piano was gone. They were all gone, and it was his fault. Grinding his teeth together, Sacha forced himself not to cry. He looked around the room, trying to find something to take his mind off images of flames.

“Is there anything you want to try?”

Sacha dashed his hand across his nose and shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Come here,” she said and patted the piano stool. She sat down, leaving space for Sacha. He sat down, feeling better for being close to her. Lacey showed him where to put his hands on the keys and showed him how to play a simple tune. “Just keep playing that,” she said, then started to play. IT was immediately clear that she was very good and the melody she played became more and more complex and beautiful, yet still blending perfectly with his.

“I’m doing it,” he cried delightedly. “I’m playing the piano.”

“Yes, you are. You definitely are.”

They played for a while, until Sacha lost his way and send the music into discordancy. “I’m sorry,” he said, snatching his hands away from the keys.

“Don’t worry about it. You did really well.”

“I did?”

“Absolutely. Do you want to try again?”

“I…. No. No thanks.”

“Do you sing?”

“I…sometimes. Why?”

“Because it’s the easiest way you can make music with me. If you can sing and I can play we’ll be making music together.”

“Oh. Yes. That would be good.”

“What songs do you know?”

“I know a lot of Sunday ones. We all used to sing on Sundays. I was special. I sang really hard ones.”

“Did you go to church on Sundays?” Lacey asked, sounding shocked.

“No. We didn’t go anywhere, ever. A man came and talked to us about God and Jesus and how important it is to be obedient and to honour our father. He taught us the songs.”

“Oh my God, was he a priest?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. He never said he was.”

“Thank heaven for that. Okay, let’s not think about it right now. What songs do you know? What’s your favourite?”

“I like all of them. I love to sing.” Sacha thought back and smiled. He was always singing. Somehow it made things seem better for a little while. He never got into trouble when he was singing. The others seemed to like it and they smiled more. Music was magic.

“Think. What one can we play now?”

“There was one I really liked. The others liked me to sing it to them, too. I think it was called Ave Maria?”

“Ave Maria? That’s a hard song to sing.”

“Yes, it is hard, but I can almost always get the high notes.”

“Almost always? With a song like that, almost always is pretty bloody good. Let’s see what you can do, handsome.”

Sacha blushed and turned his head away. He almost didn’t want to sing, to disappoint Lacey, but as soon as the first, familiar notes, floated into the air he was swept away and had no choice. Sacha found it easy to sing. The notes flew from him and lifted his spirit with them. For the time he sang, he was truly happy, truly whole.

Lacey’s hands faltered on the keys of the piano and Sacha stopped singing, feeling insecure and confused.

“Don’t stop.”

“Am…am I doing it right? I’m trying hard.”

“Oh God, yes you’re doing it right. You have a beautiful voice Sacha. Can we start again?”

“Okay.” Glowing with the praise, Sacha took a deep breath and, as Lacey started to play, he let the music out.

When they finished with Ave Maria they moved on to other songs. Lacey taught Sacha new ones, finding he had a true gift for picking up music. He learned one song after another and, once he had it in his head he was note perfect every time, although the words didn’t always come so easily. He was totally unselfconscious in the way he sang. If he didn’t know the words he simply sang the music.

“Have you ever had any voice training, Sacha?” Lacey asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Has anyone shown you how to breathe properly when you sing, where to sing from, how to change the shape of your mouth?”

Sacha laughed. “I can’t change the shape of my mouth. It is what it is. Well, I can move my lips around, so I suppose…. No, no-one’s shown me how to do that.”

“Would you like to have training? To learn how to sing even better? How would you feel about singing in front of people, on a stage?”

“I…don’t know. I guess so. It might be nice.”

“Would you be scared?”

“Of singing? How could I be scared of singing?”

Sacha felt weird. It was the way Lacey looked at him. She had tears in her eyes but she was smiling. He was pretty sure he hadn’t hurt her or upset her so…. “Why are you crying, Lacey?”

She shook her head, smiling. “Because you sing so beautifully. Because your voice is beautiful and so are you.” She sniffed and wiped her nose in her sleeve. “Mostly because I’m a sentimental fool, as James and Adam keep saying and I’m sure Dad thinks but doesn’t say.”

“What does that mean?”

“I guess it means that I love you and I’m so glad we’ve found something you can do so well and that can be a real source of happiness and fulfilment for you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to. Can I hug you?”

“You haven’t asked before. You seem to like to do it a lot.”

Lacey tossed her head and laughed freely. “I love to hug, honey. I especially love to hug you, because you’re so sweet and huggable.”

“I am?” Sacha was surprised. No one had every told him he was huggable before. He wasn’t even sure that huggable was a real word. He didn’t care. He liked the sound of it and, more, he liked the feel of it.