Finding Alex - 14. Chapter 14

Nik left Sacha in the bedroom with a promise to ensure everyone had gone. Sacha lay down and waited. When he heard a tap on the door, he assumed it was Nik, and called, “Come in.”

It wasn’t Nik.

Lacey sat on his bed and smiled at him. Her eyes glistened suspiciously bright. “You should have told me,” she said, her voice choked.

“He told me not to,” Sacha answered automatically. He was peaceful, calm, lost in that safe place inside where it really didn’t matter what he said or did, or what anyone else said or did. He’d gone there pretty much as soon as Nik left him alone, sinking easily into that state of blankness he’d been fighting for so hard. He was safe now.

“You don’t have to listen to what he says. You don’t have to listen to anyone. You’ve got to start thinking for yourself.”

“Okay.”

“No. You’re only saying that because I told you to.”

Lacey’s voice was sharp. It was the closest she’d ever come to snapping at him and, on top of everything else that had happened that night, it hurt. But that was okay; it couldn’t reach him in the blank space. He gazed at her without speaking.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. It’s just…. Sacha, you have to learn to stand on your own two feet, to think for yourself. You can’t do things just because you’re told to. You have to snap out of that.”

The words made sense, they really did, they just didn’t matter. So he didn’t respond to them.

“Sacha? Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

“Why aren’t you saying anything? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Again, he didn’t have an answer, and again he didn’t care, so stayed quiet. There was a silence inside his head that made him feel like closing his eyes and sinking into it.

“Sacha?”

He closed his eyes.

“Sacha?” Lacey shook him and he opened his eyes. “Whatever’s going on, stop it. Please.”

“Lacey, I think he’s in shock. Everything caught up with him and it was just too much. It looks like he’s been in hell this last week and he’s numb with it. Call Adam. See what he says. Maybe you need to get his psychiatrist out here.”

Lacey looked at Sacha and Sacha looked at Nik. He was mildly interested in Nik. “Sacha, baby, I’m so sorry,” Lacey said stroking his hair, then, looking worried, she slipped out of the door, leaving him with Nik.

“How are you feeling?” Nik asked, sitting down on the bottom of the bed. Sacha looked at him.

“You’re nice. I like you.”

Nik laughed. “I like you, too. At least, I think so. I don’t really know you, do I? But we can change that. How would you like a friend?”

“A…friend? Me? You?”

“Why not?”

“You’re James’ friend.”

“He likes to think so. Truth is, I keep an eye on him for Lacey. Lacey’s my friend.”

“But…you’re still at school and she…she’s older than you.”

“I’m not at school anymore. Just finished my exams. I’m going to university in the autumn. I’m almost nineteen. Lacey’s only a little over two years older. I used to follow her around a lot when we were children. We even went out for a while.”

“Went out where?”

“I mean she was my girlfriend.”

“James said you’re gay.”

Nik looked shocked. “Did he now?”

“He said you hadn’t admitted to it yet.”

“It gets better and better.” Nik frowned for a moment, then smiled. “Would it make any difference to you if I was?”

“Difference? Why would it make a difference?”

“Some people have a problem with it.”

“Like some people have a problem with the…the…clothes?”

“Yes, like that. My father is an important man. It might harm his business if there’s a scandal and, unfortunately, being gay can still cause a scandal he can do without. One day, when I find the right person, I’ll be open. Then I’ll have a reason to.”

“Lacey says to always be yourself.”

“She’s been telling me that for years.”

“You should listen.”

“So should you.”

Sacha sighed and closed his eyes. He was so tired suddenly.

“Are you tired?”

“Yes.”

“Can you hold on for a little while? Can you stay awake until you’ve spoken to Adam?”

“Why do I have to talk to Adam? Is he angry with me, too?”

“No one’s angry with you Sacha; no one at all.”

“James is.”

“Yeah, he might be, but he doesn’t count; he’s an idiot.”

Sacha felt he should smile but he was too tired; too empty.

“Hang on in there, friend.”

After a silence in which Sacha almost drifted off, he felt a dip in the bed next to him and two arms wrapped around him. Nik carefully drew Sacha closer and positioned his head comfortably in the crook of his arm.

“You smell nice,” Sacha murmured, then fell asleep.

When he woke, it was dark and he was alone. Someone had undressed him and tucked him into bed. He was warm and comfortable and still calm and empty.

“Sacha?” a sleepy voice asked from the other bed. “Are you okay?”

“Lacey?”

“I’m here, honey. It’s alright. Go back to sleep.”

Sacha was utterly confused. The last thing he remembered was lying on the bed, curled into Nik’s side, feeling warm and sleepy. Lacey wasn’t here. Now Lacey was here and Nick wasn’t.”

“Where’s Nik?”

“It’s the middle of the night, honey. He’s gone home.”

“Oh. Okay.” He snuggled down again, then memories hit him and he sat bolt upright. “James.”

“Ssh, it’s alright. James won’t hurt you anymore. He’s in no doubt that what he did was wrong. He’s being punished and he’ll apologise to you tomorrow.”

“No, he’ll be angry. He…he’ll hate me even more. He’ll find ways to hurt me you can’t see.”

“Honey, James isn’t like that. He’s a stupid, arrogant, brat but he had no idea how much he was hurting you and he won’t do it again.”

Sacha thought she was wrong, but had no energy to argue. What would be would be after all. With a sigh, he lay down again and closed his eyes. He jumped when Lacey touched his hair. He opened his eyes and she was sitting on the edge of the bed. She smiled at him and stroked his hair. “Hush now. Go to sleep. You’re going to be okay.”

Sacha nodded and let his eyes close. He was unconvinced but prepared to see how things worked out before he let the panic back. Lacey started to hum softly as she stroked his hair and it was bare moments before he drifted off again.

The next time he woke, it was to bright sunlight. He stretched and yawned. When he looked over to the other bed, it was empty and he felt a little pang of regret. He was feeling a bit wobbly inside and it would have been nice to have Lacey here.

“Hey there, sleepy head.”

Sacha looked up and blinked in the sunshine. Lacey was coming out of the bathroom towelling her hair.

“You’re still here.”

“Of course I am.”

“What about Luke? Luke’s a big boy and he can do without me for one night. How do you feel this morning?”

“I’m….” Sacha thought about it carefully. He still felt empty, but it wasn’t the same. He wasn’t hiding anymore. The big black hole wasn’t there and, although the fluttery fearful feeling was still lurking it wasn’t an overwhelming burden like it had been. All in all, he felt relatively good. “I feel good. It’s warm and comfortable and I’m sleepy.”

“Well, gt your arse out of bed. There’s no time to be sleepy, we’re going out.”

“Out?”

“I’m taking you shopping in the City.”

“In London?” Sacha asked, his eyes wide. He’d never been to London but had heard so much. He was partly excited and partly terrified. “It’s big.”

“Yes, it is; very big, but don’t worry, I know my way around.”

“O…okay. Is it safe?”

“I promise you; yes, it’s safe. I’ll be with you the whole time and Luke will be with us most of the time. He’s meeting us for lunch. James is coming too.”

Sacha froze in the process of getting out of bed. “James? James is coming?”

“Yes. This silliness has to stop. He’s been told in no uncertain terms by Dad that he has to drop the silly vendetta and get to know you properly. He’s not too happy but he’ll be fine. He and Dad had a long talk and I think it cleared the air between them. Dad certainly had his eyes opened to a few things.”

Sacha was horrified. A fist of fear closed around his heart and he scrambled back into bed, pulling the covers up to his chest. “He…he knows?”

An incredibly tender expression crept over Lacey’s face. “Darling, please try to understand, to believe…. Yes, there are people out there who are intolerant and bigoted. Yes, there are people you would be right to hide that side of yourself from. But not your us; not your family. We love you, Sacha, more and more all the time. Dad has dedicated his life to finding you and he’s not going to throw you out because of the way you dress.”

“He…he said he’d hit me…hurt me.”

“And I was there when Dad promised he would never do anything of the sort. Dad is not the sort of person who would raise a hand to any of us. Trust me, we’ve all sorely tempted him at one time or another, none more so than me. I remember a time, when I was a teenager, I stood in front of him and screamed in his face to go ahead and hit me. I only did it because I knew he never would.

“Never doubt that Dad loves you, that he would do anything for you. All he wants is for you to be happy and healthy. That’s all any of us wants. Well, apart from James who wants a good kick in the pants.”

“He does?”

“It’s a figure of speech, honey. No one is going to kick James, although I think Dad came close last night, especially after Adam spoke to him.”

“Adam?”

“Do you remember anything about last night, after James left, when Adam spoke to you?”

“Adam? No. It was Nik. Nik spoke to me. He lay down and hugged me. I felt safe. I fell asleep.”

“Yes, then when I came back with Adam, Nik hugged you some more when you spoke to Adam.”

“I…don’t remember.”

“I’m not surprised. You…weren’t well. You were all over the place. Adam said you’d be okay, that it was reaction to everything that’s happened, that it all caught up with you and threw you for a loop. He promised us you’d be better this morning. I didn’t believe him. That’s why I stayed here. But here you are, all better.”

“I don’t know about that,” Sacha mumbled, “but I’m not…hiding, anymore. I wanted to…just…. I have a place, a safe place, inside my head. When things were…hard; when I was being beaten or….” Sacha faltered and ducked his head. He wasn’t ready to talk about what he’d done with clients; not yet and definitely not to Lacey. “I could hide there, just disconnect, not feel it, not feel anything. I…. Sometimes I haven’t wanted to come back, and last night…. I don’t know what happened, but it was so easy to go there, and so hard to come back.”

“Why did you come back?”

“I…don’t know. You…and Adam, and Nik.... You were so…safe.”

“I’m glad you felt safe with us. I promise you, you are.”

“Thank you.” Lacey reached out to him and he fell into her arms gladly, hugging her tightly.”

“Whoa there, let me breathe,” Lacey said, laughing, and Sacha laughed too. “Right. Go get showered and come down to breakfast.”

Sacha shivered inside. “Come down? Downstairs?”

“You have nothing to fear downstairs, Sacha. This is your house, all of it.”

“I…I know.”

“Okay, I’ll wait for you. Then you can wait in my room for me.”

Sacha warmed up and smiled at her. “Thank you,” he said, then impulsively huggerd her again before skipping off to the shower.

Forty five minutes later, the urge to hold Lacey’s hand was intense as they both walked into the dining room where Adam, Amy and James were already gathered. They had been talking animatedly, but it went quiet when they entered.

“Come sit by me, Sacha,” Amy called. Sacha liked Amy. She was small, gentle and very pretty. After a glance at Lacey, who nodded her head, with a sad expression on her face, Sacha slid into place next to Amy. “How are you feeling this morning? Adam said you weren’t very well last night.”

Sacha shot a glance to Adam, then to James, then back at his plate. “I’m okay,” he mumbled. James looked as if there was a thunder cloud over his head. Sacha wasn’t looking forward to spending the day with him.

“Are you sure?” Adam asked. “No headache or nausea? Dizziness? Shaking? Pins and needles? Pain?”

“Adam,” Lacey complained, “you’ll be turning the boy into a hypochondriac, or scare him to death.”

Adam smiled warmly at Sacha. “It’s only because I care. I can’t have my little brother fading away before my eyes.”

Sacha blushed and dropped his head, not knowing what to say. He smiled to himself.

“You still look very pale. If you have any symptoms at all you come and tell me, okay?”

Sacha nodded.

“He’s always been pale,” Lacey said. “We all are. It’s the colouring.”

“I know,” Amy said. “Adam had such fair skin. He burns way more easily than I do, and look at me.” Amy was golden blonde with a peaches and cream complexion.

Sacha nibbled on some toast, as the conversation ebbed and flowed around him. Occasionally, he was asked a question and he answered as best he could but, otherwise, he didn’t take part in the conversations at all. Whenever he glanced up, James was glaring at him and it wasn’t conducive of a relaxed, happy meal.

“You need to eat more,” Adam said, making Sacha jump. “You’ve hardly touched your breakfast.”

“I…I’m not hungry.”

“You ate like a horse when you first came,” Lacey said, frowning. “What’s changed? You can’t have had a proper meal in days.”

Sacha shrugged. “I’m okay.”

“No,” Adam said firmly, “you’re not okay. You’re a long way from okay. You’re getting there but it’s not going to be easy and you need to be as strong and healthy as you can be. Dealing with psychological injuries is just as hard as dealing with physical ones and it’s exhausting. You have to take care of yourself, and that means eating properly and sleeping properly.”

Sacha cringed at the stern tone in his voice. He dropped his head so low his hair almost fell in his cornflakes. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’ll try.”

“Now look what you’ve done,” Lacey said crossly. “You speak to everyone as if they’re five and not taking their medicine properly. Sacha’s scared of everything, you saw that last night. Don’t make him even more afraid of you.”

“I’m not scared of everything,” Sacha said, glancing up. “I’m not scared of you.”

Lacey smirked. “I rest my case,” she said to Adam.

“I’m sorry, Sacha,” Adam said. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“’Sokay,” Sacha mumbled.

“You’re not scared of me, are you?” Amy asked and Sacha smiled, shaking his head.

“There’s a surprise,” James said sarcastically. “Trust the girls to stick together.”

“James, that’s enough,” Adam snapped. “You’ve caused enough trouble already.”

“Thank you very much. Could someone explain to be exactly how this is supposed to make me like her more?”

“James; stop it. Haven’t you had enough? Dad will ground you for the rest of your life if you carry on.”

“He may as well. My life is over anyway. I’ll never live this down. You can’t imagine how embarrassed I was.”

“What were you embarrassed about? That Nik had to stop one of your stupid, Neanderthal friends from sexually assaulting your brother?”

“He wasn’t sexually assaulting him. He only wanted a kiss, and it’s not as if Sacha isn’t used to it.”

“A kiss?”Lacey said, cocking an eyebrow.

“So, he…um…explored a bit. So what? Sacha’s used to it and he didn’t mind. He wasn’t complaining until Nik scared the crap out of him.”

“Is that true?” Lacey asked. “Did Nik scare you?”

Sacha was caught off guard. What was he supposed to say? The fact was, Nik had scared him initially.

“At first,” he said carefully.

“You were scared stiff when he grabbed you,” James said.

“Yes, but I was more scared of the other boy.”

“Why were you scared of him? He wasn’t going to hurt you.”

“You promised.”

“What?”

“You promised no one would touch me.”

James squirmed, looking uncomfortable. “I didn’t tell him to.”

“You promised.”

“Oh, for God’s sake grow up. You’re so pathetic. You make it too easy. You just do everything you’re asked, with that stupid look on your face and—”

“Stop it, James. If you’d been through what Sacha had you’d have problems too.”

“Yeah right.”

“That’s enough. Go get ready. We’re leaving in half an hour.”

“But I haven’t finished breakfast yet.”

“Take some breakfast biscuits with you or something.”

“This isn’t fair.”

“You make my heart bleed. Go.”

James glared at Sacha, then grabbed some things off the table and stormed out.

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you eating, Sacha,” Adam said, making Sacha start.

“I….”

“Don’t look at me as if I’m going to bite off your head,” Adam said mildly. “Just eat.”

“Okay.” Sacha put some toast on his plate and slowly spread butter and marmalade on them. Then he nibbled at a corner. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to eat, to please Adam. It was just that he really didn’t feel hungry. In fact, the feel of food in his mouth was making him feel sick.

“You’re not fooling me, Sacha,” Adam said, making him jump again. “You’re just moving food around on your plate and spreading things on toast. You’re not eating anything.”

“I’m trying,” Sacha said, begging him silently to understand.

“Not hard enough. Eat this. All of it.” Adam put half a bagel covered with cream cheese, and a large peach, on his plate.

“All of it?”

“Every mouthful, and you’re not leaving the table until it’s gone.”

Sacha quivered inside. He could be sitting here all day.

Pouring a large glass of orange juice, Sacha concentrated hard on forcing food down. By the end his stomach was burning and he felt very uncomfortable.

“Are you alright?” Lacey asked. He nodded. “You don’t look alright. What’s wrong?”

Sacha glanced at Adam and bit his lip. Would Adam be angry with him if he confessed how sick he felt?

“Sacha?” Adam asked, looking at him with those eyes that saw right through him. He shivered under their glare.

“I…I’m alright.”

“Have you eaten too much?”

Sacha gaped at him, as he struggled to comprehend the paradox. “But…but you…you told me I had to eat it all. I….” He glanced around the table and bit his lip. Dropping his eyes, he shook his head. He was never going to get the hang of this. One minute they told him not to obey blindly, and the next they threatened him if he didn’t. One minute they tell him he had to eat it all, and the next they were cross with him because he had. It was all so confusing.

“I wasn’t expecting you to eat until you were sick, Sacha.”

“But…but I…I told you I wasn’t hungry. I told you I was feeling sick and you said I had to sit here until I ate it. So I did. And now you’re cross with me because I did. I can’t…. I don’t….” With a low moan, Sacha took his head in his hands.

“Take it easy.” Adam said. “I’m sorry, Sacha. I’m as guilty as the rest of them in the expectations I have of you. We forget, that’s the thing. We forget you’re not like us, that you haven’t had the same experiences as we have. I’m very good at handing out orders but no one’s tying you to the chair. If I tell you to do something you really can’t do, then stick your ground and tell me, no. Eventually, I’ll get the message.”

Sacha squinted at him doubtfully. Adam smiled, and Sacha mirrored him. “Can I…um…I need—” Clamping his hand over his mouth, Sacha fled the table and deposited his breakfast in the bathroom. His stomach burned from the orange juice and he felt miserable.

“Here.”

Sacha looked up. Adam was holding out a glass of water. Swill out your mouth and spit, then sip it slowly. It will dilute the acid in your stomach that’s causing the burning.”

“Th…thank you.”

“I’m truly sorry. It’s going to take time for us to get to know each other. I get carried away sometimes, believing I know what’s best for people. In case you haven’t noticed, we all tend to speak first and ask questions later.”

“You don’t ask questions a lot.”

“It’s a figure of speech. I want to be your friend. You’re my brother and I truly care for you. Can we go back to the start and try again? I promise I’ll try not to give you orders, especially those you can’t follow. Will you promise to try your best to call me out on any of my orders that are too difficult for you, or you don’t understand, or just don’t agree with?”

“I…I’ll try.”

“That’s all anyone can ask.”