Finding Alex - 19. Chapter 19

It was over a week before Sacha left the hospital. In that time, just about everyone he knew visited him; not that there were many outside his family. Especially in the beginning, Adam was there a lot, asking questions of the nurses and doctors until they must have dreaded seeing him, and chivvying Sacha to take his medicine and do whatever he was told. As if Sacha was capable of doing anything else. He’d always been obedient and that didn’t change.

The other person who visited a lot was Nik, and as Sacha grew stronger they talked about all kinds of things. Nik was gentle, patient and very knowledgeable about a lot of things Sacha knew nothing about. He talked about snowy mountains, deserts and far distant lands. He told Sacha about diving in the Great Coral Reef, and jumping out of a plane. He promised to take Sacha skiing, and to help Lacey teach him to swim and ride.

Every word he said, inspired Sacha. He wanted to see all the things Nik had brought to life for him. One of the things he remembered clearly, was how it felt underwater, and the thought of diving deep into clear waters and seeing the brightly coloured fish, really caught his imagination.

Nik had a cabin in the mountains and he’d promised to take Sacha there as soon as he was well enough. Given the choice, Sacha would have gone straight there, but his family insisted on taking him home, and he felt obliged to go with them, especially because the doctor said he could only leave if he went home for Adam to be responsible for him.

It was strange, walking through the front door of that enormous house. He didn’t feel any more at home than he had before, but something was different. Maybe it was him.

The staff met him in the hall and Emma hugged him gently. “You’re skinnier than ever,” she said. “I’m going to have to feed you up.”

At that point, Sacha couldn’t think of eating without feeling nauseous He hadn’t been able to eat much at all, but he was getting better at it. The threat of replacing the feeding tube was enough to make him try really hard, but food was still something he consumed only because he had to.

He bore the embrace with gritted teeth but moved back as quickly as he could. Most of the bandages were off and his skin healing well, but the surgical wound had picked up an infection and was still very sore. The biggest thing that bothered him, however, was how weak he was. The doctors said it would improve with rest, but he was getting restless. His mind wanted to do way more than his body was capable of and it frustrated him no end.

Sacha wasn’t up to climbing the stairs, so the family had converted a downstairs room into a bedroom for him. That frustrated him, too. In the whole of this house, the only place he could even begin to think of as home, was his room upstairs, and he was barred from it by his stupid, weak body. James was right; he was pretty pathetic.

He sighed and tried to smile at everyone, but the journey had tired him more than he was prepared to admit, and he swayed. Both Lacey and his father were immediately at his side. He looked up at Frank and smiled. Sacha was really starting to see Frank as his father. He’d been a rock for him. With a shock, he realised that all of them – Frank, Lacey, James and Adam, were truly beginning to feel like a family. He hadn’t yet got to the place where he could believe he belonged, but at least he believed they truly cared for him now.

James appeared through a door. Sacha had forgotten where it led.

“You’re home?” James cried, clearly excited. “Come see what we’ve done. It’s all ready for you.”

“Can you walk?” Frank asked, concern warming his voice.”

“Of course I can.” Determination took him three steps, but his fickle strength deserted him, and Frank swept him up in his strong arms. Acutely embarrassed, Sacha hid his face in Frank’s shoulder as he carried him swiftly across the hall.

It was the terrace room. Sacha recognised it from the doors onto the terrace, but that was the only recognizable part of it. The doors stood open bringing in the scent of roses and lavender. A new bed stood against one wall, with side tables bearing a whole host of goodies, from fruit to Perrier™, to chocolates. Sacha’s eyes travelled over those quickly, with little interest. On the other side of the room large, comfortable chairs clustered around a low table, also laden with goodies, and another small semi-circle of chairs faced the windows.

“Do you want to lie down?”

“No. I want to sit by the window. It’s such a beautiful day today.”

Frank smiled and carried him to a chair that smelled new. It was large and comfortable, more substantial than the others.

“We got it just for you,” James said excitedly. “You can put your feet right up and then when you want to stand it tilts forward so you don’t have to strain yourself. Do you want me to show you?”

“James,” Frank said, gently chiding, “I think you should give Sacha some space. He can learn how the chair works later, when he’s settled a bit, and I’m sure he can work it out for himself.”

Sacha bit back a groan, when Frank lowered him into the chair. His body still felt as if it had been beaten all over and his ribs sent fiery fingers through him whenever he moved or breathed in a way they didn’t like. Breathing shallowly and trying to lean to the side and take the pressure off the offending body part, he tried to smile.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Would you like some of the pain medication the doctors sent home with you?” Lacey asked. “We have a prescription to fill, and I’ve send Chalmers to do it straight away, but there’s enough here for now.”

Sacha considered. The pain medication made him sleepy and light headed. He hated the feeling of being drugged. On the other hand, the pain was fierce and he was beginning to feel as if he had been kicked repeatedly in the stomach. “Yes please,” he said with a sigh.

Frank smiled at him and patted shoulder while Lacey hurried off to rifle through his bag. “I’ll leave you alone then, shall I? It’s pleasant sitting here in the warm sunshine. I expect you’ll sleep for a while.” Frank moved a small table next to the chair and put a mobile phone, Sacha had been told was his, on it. “We’ll all be here and we’ll check in from time to time. If you feel like company, or if you need anything, just call. I’ve programmed in all our numbers. You just have to tap on our picture.”

Sacha looked up at his father, a big, solid presence in the room and in his life. Although already feeling overwhelmed by the house and the people in it, he recognised true care and concern. “I will.”

“Ah, Dad, I want to stay.” James whined. “I’ll take care of Sacha, I promise. I’ll never, ever be nasty to him again. You can trust me.”

“I know I can, and I know you want to help your brother, but he needs peace and quiet right now, not your incessant chattering.”

“I do not chatter incessantly.” James sounded indignant. Sacha wished he would go away. His strident voice was making his head ache. James being a puppy dog was worse than him being a Rottweiler.

“Be that as it may, Sacha needs peace. If he’s up to it you can have dinner with him tonight.”

Sacha smiled and nodded, but secretly thought he could think of nothing worse than having to cope with food and James at the same time.

Begrudgingly, James accepted his father’s direction and slouched off, grumbling.

“Thank you,” Sacha said to Frank, then realising what he’d said, he hurried on. “Oh, I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s not that I don’t want him here…or that that I’m not grateful.”

“Don’t worry,” Frank said. “I know the score. Taking care of you is as much about making sure you get enough rest and peace from the rest of them as anything else, and I plan to take very good care of you.” Frank crouched down, his eyes misty, and took Sacha’s hand. Sacha smiled to cover the grimace and forced himself not to wince. There was a dressing on the back of his hand where they’d taken the needle out and it hurt as much as anywhere else. God how he’d hated those things. The best thing about being home was that he wasn’t going to have any more needles stuck in him and the IV lines which he despised with a vengeance, had all gone.

“I lost you once,” Frank said, his voice choked, “and I almost lost you a second time. I’m damned if I’m going to lose you again, in any way.”

This time, Sacha’s smile was genuine, his sore hand forgotten. It was his sore heart that bothered him now. He felt something for this big man, with the gentle hands and honest eyes. He’d thought, originally, it had been fear and awe, but that had changed long ago and he didn’t know what he felt now. He didn’t know what he felt about anything, and it hurt deep inside because the confusion and fear was stopping other things coming out. He knew he trusted Frank that he felt safe with him, and that was more than he ever had with anyone before. It seemed to have turned a key in a lock that was rusty and just wouldn’t open all the way.

“Thank you,” he said, not being able to think of any way to express the turmoil inside.

Frank gave him a piercing look, as if he could see right through him and knew what was in his heart without having to be told.

“You’re welcome,” was all he said and Sacha was ridiculously grateful for that. He wasn’t ready to look at those feelings too closely just yet. Frank squeezed his hand, making him bite his lip, then stood up and disappeared. Sacha heard him speaking softly to someone behind him, then the door opened and closed. Even though he knew someone else was in the room, Sacha felt suddenly very alone.

The sunshine was warm on his face and Sacha tried to relax and let it sink in. On the rare occasions in the past when he’d been outside in the sunshine, he had raised his face to the sun, closed his eyes and let the warmth caress him and sink into his bones. He had always felt warmed and cheered and the feeling had been carried with him for hours. Today, he must just have been too cold because it didn’t warm him at all. Strange, because he didn’t really feel cold.

“Sacha?”

Sacha jumped at the soft voice. He must have dozed off for a minute. He blinked at Lacey.

“I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t realise you were asleep. I’ve got your pain medication, but you can’t take it on an empty stomach, so I’ve got you a sandwich.”

“Do I have to? I’m not hungry.”

“You have to eat, honey. If you don’t eat, you won’t get strong and well again. Try just a few bites.”

Sacha sighed and took the sandwich. It looked nice, it smelled nice, but as soon as he put it in his mouth it turned to cardboard. Nevertheless, he forced himself to eat it. Just over half way through, he started to feel nauseous and handed it back to Lacey. “I’m sorry,” he said, anxiously. “I really tried.”

“I know you did, honey,” Lacey said, kissing his head. “I saw you pale on the last bite. Here, take these with a glass of milk. Do you think you can manage that?”

Sacha smiled and nodded. The pills almost choked him, but the milk was cold and soothing and he finished the glass.

“There you go. Milk is good for you. How do you feel about some milk shakes? Maybe we could get you some of those they suggested in the hospital. I could call Chalmers and get him to collect some at the chemist.”

“I…don’t know,” Sacha said doubtfully, remembering the drinks they’d given him at the hospital which had made him sick. “I could try.”

“That’s all I can ask.” Lacey stroked the hair away from his forehead and he closed his eyes. “Are you tired, honey? Do you want to lie down?”

“No, I want to stay in the sun, but I am tired.”

“How about this?” Lacey took what looked like a television remote control from a little pocket in the side of the chair. She pressed a button and the chair slowly tilted backwards, while a footrest he hadn’t really noticed before rose to lift his legs. It was an odd but not unpleasant feeling. “Is that back far enough for you, or do you want to go completely flat?”

“No, this is fine. I can still see the garden.”

“Well, here’s the remote. It goes into this little pocket here.” She guided his hand to feel where the remote was stored. “It’s not difficult to work, you’ll figure it out and it doesn’t move fast, if you make a mistake.”

“Thank you.”

Lacey looked at him, sadly. “All you ever seem to say is ‘I’m sorry’, and ‘thank you’. Aren’t you happy here?”

“I don’t know. I…don’t….” Sacha closed his eyes to try to form the words for what he was feeling, but Lacey seemed to pluck them out of his mind.

“You don’t know how you feel right now, do you?”

Sacha shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“For what? Feeling tired and ill? You’ll get better soon. Then we can really concentrate on making you strong and happy. I warn you; I’m on a mission, and I won’t be satisfied until you’re smiling so much and so often your face hurts.”

“It’s just about the only place it doesn’t hurt.”

Lacey grinned. “That’s about the longest sentence you’ve said today. I’m taking it as a good sign.” She kissed his forehead again. “Rest now. I’ll come see you in a little while. Don’t forget to call if you need anything.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

When Lacey had gone, Sacha stared at the grass and the sky, feeling curiously empty. Surely, he should be feeling something. Happy to be home? Relived to be out of the hospital? Guilty about what had happened? Glad to be alive? Lacey was right. There were so many emotions chasing themselves around inside him, he didn’t have a chance to experience any of them. His head was spinning.

The truth was, if he really thought about it, he wasn’t happy to be home. He was glad to have left the hospital, but was right back where he started, rattling around in this huge house where he didn’t belong, with people he didn’t know. Okay, he knew them better now than he had before and he really did believe they cared for him, but he still didn’t know them, not really. He didn’t fit in with them.

At some point they would all go back to their lives – James to school, Lacey and Luke to their home. Adam and Amy to theirs. What then? What would happen to him then? Would he be left here all alone? Well, there would be Frank, but Frank was often away with his job, sometimes for days at a time.

Ah, now there was an emotion he could understand – fear. The thought of being abandoned here alone scared him. In fact, it terrified the hell out of him. But that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Not today, or tomorrow, or the next day, and that was far enough ahead for now.

Sacha sighed. He was feeling warm now; warm and sleepy. He wished Nik would come to visit. The thought startled him. Why had he thought that? Nik had come to see him every day in the hospital and he’d started to really look forward to the visits. Nik always made him smile. He wondered if Nik would still visit now he was home. The thought that he might not, scared him more than anything. He was thinking of Nik when he fell asleep.

He woke with a shock. Nothing had changed. The sun was still high and warm, the chair was still comfortable and, as far as he knew, he was still alone. But something had changed, something scary. Maybe he’d been having a bad dream that had leaked into wakefulness. Maybe he was still asleep. There was certainly a sense of unreality, but that might have been the drugs.

Had he been dreaming? Was it a bad dream? What was it about? Then he remembered and shivered. He had been dreaming. He’d been dreaming about Nik and it hadn’t been a bad dream; not then, not when it was happening. Now… Sacha shivered and twisted so his ribs hurt and his stomach pulled. He gasped. The pain was fierce, but it drove the thoughts; the remnants of the dream from his mind, and erased its obvious effects on his body.

He had no business having dreams like that. It was blurring lines, and if he wasn’t careful, it would spoil everything. Nik was the closest thing to a friend he had and he wasn’t about to jeopardise that by crossing boundaries that could never be crossed back.

Groaning with pain, Sacha adjusted his position to take the pressure off again. The pain had felt good when he needed it, now, not so good at all. Thankfully the pain quickly dulled to a point where the drugs took over and spun him away into dreamless sleep.