Finding Alex - 20. Chapter 20

When Sacha woke, there was someone there. He didn’t know how he knew there was someone there, because he couldn’t see anyone, and couldn’t hear anything. For a moment he froze, then a familiar voice spoke. “Are you awake?”

Relief flooded him, and for a moment he forgot to answer. When he did, his voice was shaky. That was because he was shaky. His insides doing weird flip flops and fluttery dances. It was because he was startled, he said to himself.

Nik moved into his view and sat on one of the nearby chairs. “Typical. I’d only just gone over there to look at the books. I’ve been waiting here for ages and I missed it.”

“Missed what?”

“Seeing you wake up.”

“Why would you want to see that?”

“Because I’m thankful every single time you do.” There was a strange look in Nik’s eyes that did nothing for the fluttering inside, that made Sacha feel weak and scared.

“Why?”

Nik laughed. “Because I thought for a long time, you wouldn’t, and I never want to feel like that again.”

“Oh.”

“You sound surprised.”

“I…am. Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you watch me sleeping? Why do you care if I wake up?”

Nik looked startled. “Why wouldn’t I care? Why wouldn’t anyone who…knows you, care? It’s not as if anyone wants you to die.”

“Oh. No.”

“Besides, I thought we were friends.”

The beam took Sacha by surprise. It washed over his face like golden sunlight and made Nik’s eyes turn glassy.

“Do you have any idea how beautiful your eyes are when you smile like that?”

“I…. I-I….” Sacha had no idea what to say. It was the last thing he’d expected to hear, and it knocked him sideways.

Nik looked horrified. “I’m sorry. I…didn’t mean to say that.”

“You didn’t? You don’t think my eyes are beautiful?” Despite himself, Sacha’s bottom lip trembled. No matter how much of a shock Nik’s words were, they’d still made the butterflies in his stomach do a happy dance.

“Well yes. I mean no. I mean…of course they are. It’s just…. I didn’t mean to say so.”

“You didn’t?” Again, the words were wobbly and Sacha had to bite his lip to stop the quiver.

Nik closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He paused for a moment, then opened his eyes and smiled at Sacha. “You are by far the most beautiful boy I have ever met, with the most beautiful eyes and the most beautiful smile. I just…. I don’t want to confuse you. I don’t want you to think…. We’re just friends, okay?”

Sacha was confused again. He was delighted by the fact that Nik thought he was beautiful. For some reason, it was important, but he didn’t know why Nik thought telling him that would stop them being friends.

“What are you thinking?” Nik asked nervously.

“How do you know I’m thinking anything?”

“It’s written all over your face.”

“It is?” Sacha raised his hands to his face and patted it tentatively.

“You’re not actually wondering if you have something written on your face, are you?”

“Is that wrong?” Sacha asked, letting his hands fall.

Nik grinned and shook his head. “No, not wrong, just uniquely you. I forget how shut away you’ve been. Things I think of as obvious and every-day, are completely new to you. It’s fascinating, and very cute.”

“Cute?” Sacha glanced coyly at Nik through his hair. Lacey laughed when he did that, although something about the way he felt when he did it this time felt different.

Nik didn’t laugh. “Don’t do that, Sacha. Please.”

Sacha winced. “What did I do? I’m sorry.”

Nik let out a deep sigh and ran his hands through his hair. “No, I’m sorry. I’m feeling kind of…jumpy today. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”

“No. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Sacha said desperately. Nik was completely taken aback.

“What’s wrong? What are you sorry for now?”

“Don’t go. Don’t go and not come back. You’re my friend. You’re the only friend I have. I… I…need you.” Sacha bit his lip, his stomach jumping uncomfortably. This was getting too close to the kind of thing that had him so wound up in his dream. If this had been his dream he’d have leaned forward, and so would Nik and…. But that wasn’t going to happen in real life. He didn’t want it to. He knew where that led and he wouldn’t; he couldn’t; not with Nik. Oh hell. That’s what Nik had meant; why Nik told him not to look like that. He’d used those looks before. They’d just never come so naturally before. He swallowed hard and almost jumped out of his skin when Nik gently took his hand.

“I’m not going anywhere, and when I do go I’ll come back. I promise. I just meant that maybe you…I…. It’s all been so…scary. I wasn’t sure you were up to visitors. As for me being your only friend – trust me, that isn’t going to last long. Once you start getting out and meeting people you’ll have more friends than you can count. Everyone’s going to love you.”

“L…love me?” Sacha’s eyes widened. Other than the kind of love he was beginning to learn existed within families, there was only one kind of love Sacha understood. He understood, too, that for everyone to love him; he had to love them. “They…they told me I wouldn’t have to anymore.”

“Told you that you wouldn’t have to what?”

“L…love anyone.”

“Of course you don’t have to love anyone. Love isn’t forced. It’s something…well something that…just happens.”

“But you said…. You said everyone would l…love me, so I’d have to….” Sacha was confused now. Was Nik saying he could chose who to love? But if they were all loving him, how could he not be loving them?

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Sacha rubbed his forehead. “I don’t understand,” he said, sounding almost desperate.

“Neither do I. I don’t see what the issue is. I don’t…. Oh my God.” Nik’s eyes widened and he put a hand over his mouth. Then he took a breath to steady himself. “Sacha, what do you understand by the word love? When I said everyone would love you, what do you think I meant?”

Sacha frowned, thinking hard. What was he expected to say?

“Don’t think about it. Don’t try to work out what you’re supposed to say. Say what you think, what you feel.”

“Love is…. Love is…when you have sex with someone and they don’t hurt you? Or…they don’t hurt you too much. If they do, it’s not love, right?”

Nik looked pale and he chewed his lips. He shook his head silently and sniffed. His eyes were very bright. “That’s not love, Sacha. That not anything like love.”

“It’s not?”

“No.”

“Then what is love?”

“Well, love comes in different forms. Like, the love a mother has for her children, or the love you have for your family.”

“Yes,” Sacha said eagerly. “I was thinking that. I was thinking that a little while ago – that I think I might love them…my family I mean. They make me feel warm and safe. Is that love?”

“No. It’s part of it, but not the whole of it. Love is when you care for someone so much you’d live or die for them.”

Sacha thought carefully again. “Yes, I’d do that. I nearly did.” He grinned but it faded when Nik didn’t smile. “What did I do wrong? What did I say?”

“Nothing. I just…. I can’t bear to think what might have happened.”

“But it didn’t. Tell me more about love. You said there were different kinds. When you said everyone would love me, you didn’t mean have sex with me, did you?”

“No. I think I was wrong when I said there were different kinds of love. I think there’s just one love, that shows itself in different ways.”

“Okay, I understand that.”

“Well, there’s the love of friends. That’s what I was talking about. Friends like to spend time with each other, and think about each other when they aren’t together. They want to make each other happy and see them smile.”

“Like you. I like to see you smile.”

Nik smiled and nodded. “I like to see you smile, too.”

“So…when you say lots of people will love me, you mean people will want to be my friend? To be with me and talk to me and have fun with me?”

“Yes.”

“Not have sex with me?”

“No, definitely not.”

“Oh. Okay. I think I’d like that. But….”

“But what?”

“Who do I have sex with? How do I know when I can and when I can’t?”

“Hell, I’m not made for this kind of conversation. You should ask the psychiatrist.”

“I have. She said I’d know. But how will I know? Will they ask me? Will they make me?”

“No.” Nik took Sacha’s hand and held it tight. “No one will make you, and if they try then more than anything you shouldn’t. It’s you who have to choose. You who want to, not them. Do you understand?”

“No. I still don’t know how to know.”

Nik sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, then he gently tucked a strand of hair behind Sacha’s ear. “One day, you’ll meet someone, and they’ll light you up. I can’t explain any better than that. Whenever they walk into a room, it will suddenly get lighter. Even if you’re not looking at them you’ll know they’re there. When they’re not there you won’t feel complete. Whatever you see; whatever you do, it will seem less when they’re not there, and more when they are. You’ll see beautiful things and think, they’d be so much lovelier if he was here. You’ll see nice things and want to give them to him. You’ll do anything to see him smile and when he cries your world will be full of dark clouds. Something will open up inside you like a flower and you’ll feel fierce and strong, like you can take on the world, if you have to, just for him. You’ll want to protect him from the world, but make the world as proud of him as you are.”

“Wow,” Sacha gasped. That sounds…wonderful.”

“It is. Sometimes it hurts, though. Sometimes, when he’s hurt or sad, or when you can’t be with him, it feels like a lead weight in your heart and everything’s dark.”

“Have you ever found someone like that, Nik? Someone who lights you up?”

Nik smiled at him, with tears spilling out of his eyes. “Once. Yes.”

“What happened to them?”

“A lot. I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

“I know you didn’t. You don’t have it in you to make anyone sad if you can help it. That’s what I like so much about you. You’re sweet and childlike and full of surprises.”

“You like me?”

“Of course I do. You’re my friend, aren’t you?”

“Do you love me?”

“What? I…. What?”

“You said friends love each other. Do you love me?”

The frightened rabbit expression disappeared from Nik’s face and he smiled gently. “Yes, Sacha. As a friend, I love you.”

Something warm and happy seeped into Sacha’s middle and spread out. He couldn’t help smiling. It just happened. “Will you snuggle me?”

“What?” Nik looked scared again. Sacha couldn’t imagine why he kept scaring Nik. He wasn’t trying to.

“You promised when I came home you’d snuggle me – like you did before.”

“Oh. Right. Yes, of course. How does this chair thing work?”

“It has a control thingie. Look.” Sacha located the control and slowly raised the chair, past the sitting position until he was almost standing. He managed to make the rest of the way on his own, with Nik hovering at his elbow.

“Are you supposed to be so weak? In so much pain? Don’t you have pills or something? Hell, Sacha, you’re worse than you were in the hospital.”

“No I’m not. It’s just when I move around. It really hurts and the doctor said my legs would be weak for a while because I was asleep for so long. I have exercises when I’m feeling better. If I work hard I’ll be back to normal in no time.”

Nik smiled and hugged him. It hurt a bit but Sacha didn’t care. All he cared about was that Nik was hugging him, and it felt good.

Gently, Nik swept Sacha off his feet and laid him on the bed. Sacha gazed up at him, a little shocked. “I liked that,” he said. Nik didn’t smile at him as he’d expected. In fact he looked sad. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Nik shook his head, then he smiled and walked around the bed. “Let me get this quilt out from under you so I can put it over us.”

“I’m not cold.”

“You might be. We’re always cold when we’ve been asleep.”

“Is that why I was so cold at the hospital?”

“Maybe, because no one else was, I can assure you. That place was airless.”

“I didn’t like it there.” Sacha curled into Nik’s side, as Nik put his arms around him and eased him closer. “I like it here,” he said.

“Go to sleep,” Nik murmured into the top of his head, and it made Sacha smile.

Sometime later, Sacha woke. It wasn’t dark, but there were lamps lit, making the room feel cosy. The first thing Sacha noticed was that Nik wasn’t lying next to him anymore. “Nik?”

“He had to go, honey.” Lacey rose from one of the chairs by the window. “You’ve been asleep for most of the day. It’s almost eight o’clock.”

“Oh. Why do I still feel tired?”

“Because you’re not well. You’ll feel better tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. Before you know it you’ll be better than ever.”

Sacha smiled and nodded, not convinced. From where he was lying it didn’t feel as if he was ever going to feel better.

“Is he coming back?”

“Who? Nik? Of course he is. He said if you behave yourself and do what you’re told he’ll be by tomorrow with a surprise for you.”

“A surprise? For me? What is it?”

“If I told you what it was, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”

“Oh please, Lacey, please. I never had a surprise before, not a good one, and I really want to know.”

“Good surprises are worth the wait and this one is going to be a good surprise. Now, I know this might well be a silly question, but are you hungry?”

Sacha considered. “No, but if I don’t eat something Nik might be mad and not give me my surprise.”

“He might, although I don’t think Nik would be that mean.”

“But he said I had to be good, and if I don’t eat, that would be bad.”

“Honey, you can’t be anything but good. I’d be very happy if you’d at least try to eat something, though.”

“Okay, I’ll try. I’ll try really hard.”

And he did. He did try. Not that it made much difference. Okay, maybe he ate a little more than he would have otherwise, but nausea defeated him way before the end of the meal.

“Why do I feel like this?” he said irritably, as he pushed the plate away. Lacey had him propped up on pillows, with his dinner on an over bed tray. The movement of pushing it away hurt and he groaned. “Why can’t I eat?”

“You’ve been through a lot, Sacha. You were hurt terribly, my darling. You were very ill for a while. We thought you were going to die, but you pulled through. That took a lot of courage, and a lot of strength. Well, courage is inexhaustible, there’s always plenty of it, and you have it in bucketsful, but strength needs time to build back up. You’re like a car who ran out of petrol. Once we fill you up again you’ll be purring like a kitten.”

“What are you going to fill me up with?”

“Love, honey. Lots and lots of love…and three good meals a day. Emma’s already planned about a month’s worth of small but nutritious titbits to tempt you with.”

“I hope I can eat them.” Sacha frowned, thinking Emma going to all that trouble just for him.

“Now don’t you start worrying about that. Emma loves to cook and she loves to take care of people. She’s in her element, and if you can’t eat what she makes you, she’ll make you something nicer next time.” Lacey, brushed his hair back from his face and smiled down at him. “Don’t expect too much of yourself. You’ll get there. Just take a step at a time, okay?”

“Just a step at a time?”

“Mhm. A Chinese philosopher Lau-Tse once said ‘a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step’. Your first step is to eat what you can of this meal. The next step is sleeping as much and as well as you can tonight. The step after that will be breakfast. Every day there will be lots of little steps and every one will be a triumph. Soon your steps will be exercise and then climbing mountains. But that’s a long way away, honey. For now just focus on the next step.”

“Okay. What’s the next step?”

“Rest. Are you tired?”

“Yes. I’m always tired.”

“Alright. Do you want me to help you get undressed?”

“No, I can manage.”

“I have a surprise for you.”

“More surprises?”

“Yes, and this one you can have right now.” Lacey reached onto a table behind her and produced a pink box which she laid on the bed next to Sacha.

“For me?”

“Yes, All for you. Completely yours. Nik helped me pick it out.”

“Nik did?” Sacha asked curiously.

“Not through choice,” Lacey said, giggling. “I made him.”

“Why?”

“Because he said he’d do anything for you, and I had to test him.”

Curious, Sacha lifted the lid from the box and peeled aside the floating pink tissue. He gasped, then looked up at Lacey. “Mine?”

“All yours.”

With wide eyes, Sacha ran his fingers over soft golden silk. He lifted the delicate fabric from the box and rubbed it against his cheek. Scattered over the champagne coloured material were white flowers, like a cascade of cherry blossoms on intricately woven stems.

“Is it pyjamas?”

“No. We thought the waistband might irritate your stomach. It’s a kaftan, a loose robe that shouldn’t irritate your skin, or anything. Try it on.”

Sacha slipped down from the bed and, after struggling for a little while, allowed Lacey to help him undress. Being naked felt good. He didn’t have the slightest qualm about Lacey seeing his naked body. There had been too many leering strangers to leave him the slightest shred of self-consciousness.

The silk whispered as Lacey lifted it over his head and it fell about him like a cascade of champagne and flower petals. It smelled like flowers, too. When the fabric had settled in place, Sacha ran his hands over his stomach and hips. The cool silk felt good against his hot, inflamed skin. “I love it,” he said, twirling. “It’s so beautiful. Are you sure it’s mine?”

“Absolutely. And there’s more.”

“There is?”

“When he saw that.” Lacey retrieved another box, very similar to the first. “Nik just had to get you this.”

“Nik got it for me?”

Lacey nodded, her eyes shining. “Open it.”

Just as carefully as he had with the first box, Sacha opened the second and peeled back the tissue. He could see the same golden fabric and cherry blossoms, but there was something else. Lifting it out of the box, Sacha shook it out and gasped out loud. “Oh. It’s beautiful.”

“It’s a kimono.”

“What’s that?”

“Basically, it’s a traditional Japanese dress, but there are many kinds, these days. This is more like the traditional style than many, with the embroidery and wide sleeves. There’s a belt but you can leave that off until you’re feeling better.”

Sacha ran the silk through his fingers, and traced the intricate embroidery. Whereas, on the khaftan, the cherry blossom and branches were printed on the material, on the kimono, they were embroidered. The pink and white blossoms fell like rain onto a beautiful geisha, sheltering under a pink umbrella.

“I’ve never seen anything to beautiful in all my life. Nik bought this for me?”

“Yes, he did.”

“Do you think he’ll like it when he sees me wear it? Will he think it makes me look pretty?”

For a moment, Lacey frowned at him, then she smiled and helped him put on the kimono. “How could he possibly think anything different? You look beautiful.”