Finding Alex - 18. Chapter 18

The last thing Sacha wanted to do was open his eyes. His memory of recent events was sketchy, but he knew there were good reasons for not wanting to wake up. He remembered the beating and he remembered James face. He remembered knowing he was about to die and he remembered the gun. There was something about the gun he should remember but there was no point dwelling on that. He didn’t want to think about it, so he didn’t.

Something was different. He was still hurting but not so much, and that awful pain inside, the pain that convinced him so much he was dying, had gone. He was stiff and sore and felt as sick as he ever had, but he wasn’t dying anymore. That in itself was worth celebrating – wasn’t it. He should tell someone. James. He should tell James, because James would worry.

“James.”

There was movement all around him.

“Sacha, baby, are you awake? Can you hear me?”

That didn’t sound like James. It was a woman. A name floated to him. Lacey. “Lacey?”

“Yes, it’s me, honey. Can you open your eyes?”

Of course he could. Well, he was pretty sure he could. Okay, so it wasn’t as easy as he’d thought but he damn well wasn’t going to let a couple of eyelids get in his way.

“Ow.” He closed his eyes again. “Lights.” He’d meant to say. “Ow, the lights are too bright. They hurt my eyes,” but that was all that came out. Fortunately, Lacey understood and he saw, through closed eyelids, the lights go off. He tried again, and this time managed to get his eyes open and focussed on Lacey. He smiled at her.

“Oh, baby.” Lacey took his hand and held it tight. She seemed to be crying. What had he done to make her cry?

“Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“I made you sad.”

“You didn’t make me sad, honey, you made me very happy.”

“I did. How?” It seemed every word Lacey said confused him more.

“I’m just glad you’re feeling better, honey, that’s all.”

“I am?” He didn’t feel better. In fact, he couldn’t remember a time when he felt worse. Wait. Yes he could. He thought he could. “James. Where’s James? Is he—?”

“He’s fine, honey. He’s been here off and on the whole time, but he’s home just now. Would you like me to ask him to come see you? Do you need to see him?”

Sacha thought about it. Did he? Did he want to face James after everything that had happened? It had been his fault, after all; all of it. He shook his head and winced. “Hurts.”

“I know, honey. I expect you hurt all over.”

“Do I?”

“I don’t know. I guess you’re still a little out of it, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess.” It occurred to Sacha that he was definitely out of it. That floating feeling cinched it for him. He always felt like that when he was drugged. Right on the heels of that thought came another. Why was he drugged? The last thing he remembered was being in a room with a mattress. He was beaten and hurt, but not drugged. Had Ryland—

Memory slammed into Sacha like a brick in the guts. He tried to sit up, but pain defeated him and he fell back with a cry.

“Hush, baby. Lie still. You’re not well enough for that yet. You’ve been very sick, honey. You’re getting better but you have to rest.”

“No, I….” He struggled to sit up again, more carefully this time, but he was still laid low by a bright, stabbing pain in his side and stomach. “Why do I hurt so much?” Surprisingly, it wasn’t until then that he noticed a hundred other little pains and noticed his arms and chest were bandaged. They rustled when he moved. There were other things too, tubes and wires and machinery. It suddenly all made sense. “I’m in hospital.”

“Yes, St Mary’s clinic. They’re taking very good care of you.”

“Okay.”

As he came closer and closer to full consciousness, the pain began to bother him more and more. It wasn’t just the pain in his stomach, although that was the worst. The whip wounds were sore and some were itching unbearably. There were bruises too, lots of them; he could tell. Then there were the places the tubes went in. They burned and throbbed and itched. Whatever was going into his body was hurting him. It was just a small hurt, but it bothered him because he didn’t know what it was. He didn’t know why.

“It hurts.”

“I know, baby. It must hurt a lot.”

“No, not a lot, not as much as my belly, but it hurts and I don’t know why and I don’t like it.”

“What are you talking about, honey? What’s bothering you?”

“This.” He held out his arm and Lacey frowned.

“The bandages? Are the rubbing your sores?”

“Yes, but that’s okay. This?” He moved his arm closer. Surely she had to see.

“I don’t know what you’re showing me.”

“That tube thing. It hurts. They all hurt.”

“Oh, well I’m sure it’s okay.” Lacey looked uncomfortable and it made Sacha think there must be something really wrong.

“But it hurts,” he repeated, “and I don’t know why.”

“It has to be there, hun. It’s helping to make you better. You mustn’t take it out.”

“I know that. I know. But why is it hurting. I need to know. It need to know why it’s hurting.”

It wasn’t important, not really, not in the great scheme of things. It was just a little hurt after all. But it was important. It was important because Lacey wasn’t answering him and that scared him.

“Well, hey there. You’re looking better. At least, better than you were the last time I looked in.”

Sacha blinked at the boy who stood in the door, with a big bunch of flowers in his hand. They were purple and white and absolutely beautiful. He frowned. Did he know the boy? They boy seemed to know him. Was he a boy? He looked young but seemed older. Who was he? Oh yes. Right.

“Nik?”

“That’s right. I wasn’t sure if you would remember me. I wasn’t sure you’d remember anything.” He handed the flowers to the nurse who had come in with him. She didn’t look too pleased, but disappeared with them. Sacha got the impression that people tended to do what Nik wanted, even though he didn’t really have to ask. Sacha stored the thought away in the back of his mind, to ask him later.

“Hello.” It was lame, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Hello. How are you doing?”

“It hurts,” Sacha said. He wasn’t sure why, but he had the idea that if anyone would know it would be Nik.

“I bet it does.”

“Sacha’s a bit upset,” Lacey said, frowning. “It seems the IV tubes are sore and he wants to know why?”

Nik shrugged. “Then I’ll find out why. I bet there’s a simple answer.” Nik smiled at Sacha then disappeared. Sacha wasn’t happy about that. He wasn’t sure why but for that brief moment, when Nik was in the room, everything had seemed just a little bit better.

Nik wasn’t gone long. In the meantime, Lacey just sat, picking at the blanket, and Sacha wondered what he’d done to upset her. He didn’t have the strength to ask – no, he didn’t have the strength to handle the answer.

Nik was accompanied by a nurse who bustled over to the bed and did some stuff. Nik frowned at her. “Never mind about all that,” he said. “You can take care of that later. Sacha’s getting stressed out because his IV’s are hurting. Please explain why. Then, you can do what you like.”

The nurse tutted him, but checked the charts. “It’s probably the potassium in the IV fluid, hun. It can burn. I’ll talk to the doctor. You might not need it anymore. Your vitals seem to have settled. Is it very painful? Do you need pain relief?”

“Not for that, no. I just wanted to know why. It’s okay isn’t it? I mean, it’s okay that it hurts.”

“Yes, it’s okay, as long as it doesn’t hurt very much. If it’s just sore, it’s fine.”

“Yes,” Sacha smiled at her. “It’s fine.”

“What about the rest of you?”

“That’s not fine.”

“I’m not surprised. I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake and he’ll want to come take a look. He’ll be able to do some things to help.”

“Okay.” Sacha smiled again and the nurse stroked his hair before leaving.”

“Happy now?” Nik asked and Sacha shook his head.

“Don’t think happy’s the right word.”

“I guess not. You’re better, though. You had us scared for a while.”

“I did? Why?”

Nik looked at Lacey. “Haven’t you told him?”

“I haven’t had a chance. He’s only just woken up.” She sounded cross and snappy. Sacha hated it when she was like that. He always felt like saying sorry.

“Oh. Sorry.” Sacha relaxed. Nik said it for him.

“No, it’s alright, Nik. I’m sorry. I’ve been so strung out…not knowing. It’s just…. I guess the relief was…too much.” To Sacha’s horror, Lacey started to cry, putting her face in her hands. He reached out his hand and winced as the movement pulled on the bandages and the injuries below. Still, he wasn’t going to be defeated by a little pain, and didn’t stop until he touched her hand.

“Don’t cry,” he said and Lacey looked up sharply. She took his hand gently.

“Oh, baby, don’t you worry about me. I’m fine. I’m just so relieved you’re getting better. It’s been hard for us all.”

“Why?”

“Because you’ve been so ill, honey.”

“I have?”

Lacey sniffed, trying to stop the tears. Nik put his arm around her and she turned in to his embrace. Something inside Sacha found he was strangely uncomfortable with that.

“When they first brought you in, you were very sick,” Nik said, a terribly sad look on his face. “You were bleeding internally and no one knew if you were going to be okay. You had to have emergency surgery and you were in a coma for a while. Right up to now, no one could say if you were going to wake up or what you would be like if you did.”

“I…don’t understand.”

“They thought you might have brain damage.”

“Oh. Do I?”

“I think it’s very unlikely,” Nik said with a grin. “If you did, I don’t think you’d be talking to us like this.”

“Oh no. I guess.”

“Lacey’s been at your side the whole time. No one could persuade her to leave, not even to sleep. She’s been sleeping in the chair and she’s exhausted. That’s why she’s crying. It’s not because of you.”

“Oh. Okay. I’m kind of confused. I don’t remember being sick.”

“Of course you don’t. You’ve been asleep the whole time.”

“I have? How did I do that?”

“Trust me; it was easy. But you’re awake now, so everything’s going to be okay.”

“Good.” Nik was smiling at him. A smile really shouldn’t make much difference to the way he felt, should it? It doesn’t have the power to stop pain, especially when it’s from a practical stranger, someone he didn’t know at all. A smile shouldn’t be able to do all that, but it did. Somehow it make everything better. Most of all, it made Sacha believe that everything could be better; that he could be better. He remembered what he’d felt like when Nik lay down beside him and they’d snuggled. It had felt really good.

“Will you snuggle me?”

“What?” Nik looked really startled.

“Snuggle me. Like you did before. It made me feel better. It made me feel good.”

“I don’t think I can. The bed is too small and there’s too much stuff. Tell you what – when you get out of the hospital I’ll snuggle you, okay? I promise.”

“Okay.” Sacha sighed. He was suddenly very tired.

“Are you tired?” Lacey asked, sniffing.

“Mmm.”

“Rest, then. It’s okay. Close your eyes.”

“Will you smooth my hair?”

“Like this?”

Lacey moved closer and started running her fingers through his hair. “Mmm.” He had no energy left to say more, so he let the smile on his face speak for him, at least until he had drifted too far away to maintain it.

He woke when the doctor came. He had no choice. The doctor was nice. He smiled and spoke in a soft voice, said kind words, but he tortured Sacha more thoroughly than Ryland ever had.

Sacha didn’t want to think about how it felt to have the bandages removed, or the dressing over the surgical wound in his stomach. All in all, it was the most unpleasant experience he’d ever had, especially when he saw what was coming out of the drainage tubes. At that point he closed his eyes tightly and refused to open them.

After the torture they gave him drugs that took away the pain, and another chunk of his life, and that was pretty much how his days went for a while – brief periods of lucidity between periods of torture and drugged stupor.

****

In the middle of all that, James came to visit. Sacha was asleep and woke up to see his brother’s anxious face inches away from his own. He started and yelped, which caused James to shoot backwards, fall over the bench and crash to the floor.

The door opened almost instantly and a nurse appeared. “Is everything alright in here?”

“Yes, I…. I’m sorry, I fell over.”

“Be careful,” she said cheerfully. “I don’t want to have to be looking after you as well.”

James looked sheepish as he climbed to his feet and dusted himself off. “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

“You’re supposed to sit on the seat, honey, not try to jump over it.”

“I wasn’t, I….” James’ anxious words petered out as he took in the smile on the nurse’s face.

“You okay, sunshine?” the nurse asked Sacha. He was totally confused about the whole situation, but smiled vaguely at her. It must have satisfied her, because she disappeared and left them alone.

“Are you…? Are you feeling better now?”

“I guess. I’m pretty high most of the time – the pain drugs, you know.”

“Oh. Right. Do you need to rest? I could come back.” He seemed almost eager to leave, which confused Sacha, but he shook his head.

“No. I’m okay. As okay as I ever am, I guess.”

“Oh. Listen, I…. I just…. You saved my life, man. I’ll never forget.”

“It was my fault. I got you into it in the first place.”

“No you didn’t. My own stupidity got me into it. I followed you. I was angry with you. I don’t even know why. I….” James sighed. “I was so wrong about you. I thought….”

“That I was a transsexual midget? Or a femme twink whore? Or just a cowardly bitch?”

“Oh God,” James put his head in his hand. “I said those things, didn’t I? I was an idiot. I’m sorry. You’re not a coward. So are so not a coward. I’ve never met anyone so brave. You saved my life.”

“I….” Suddenly, it all came back to him and a huge shudder shook his body as creeping horror took possession of him. “Oh God. Oh God, James. I killed him, didn’t I? I really killed him.”

James swallowed hard, his eyes wide in a white face. He nodded. “Yes.”

Sacha smiled. “Good. He won’t hurt anyone else, ever.”

“No. Never.”

“What about the other one?”

“He ran away…when I was phoning. When I came back he’d gone and….”

Sacha turned his face away. He knew exactly what James had come back to. It was enough to scar a mind for ever.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“That you had to see it.”

“Don’t be sorry. I was glad. After what that monster did to you…. I was really glad you’d killed him. If it wasn’t for you, I would have.”

“I’m glad you didn’t. It’s not a good feeling, James.”

“I bet it would have been – if you hadn’t almost died right after.”

Sacha smiled wearily. “I doubt it. I’m not sorry I did it, though.”

“No.”

They fell silent. There wasn’t really much else to say.

“I’m glad Dad found you,” James said at last, when Sacha was almost asleep.

“So am I.”

“And I’m really glad you didn’t die.”

“So am I.”

“I thought you were – going to die. The doctors weren’t sure in the beginning. You were right, Ryland broke something inside. They said ruptured but it means the same thing. You had to have an operation and we were told you might not survive it, and then you wouldn’t wake up and they said…all sorts of things. I’m really glad they were wrong.”

Sacha smiled at him and reached for his hand. James looked a little reluctant at first, as if he was afraid that touching him would break him. Then he took his hand and held it as if it was a precious thing.

“So am I,” he said.